Does anyone else feel anxious when they get home from work? All day at work I can be fine, not even anticipating anything. Once I get home to my family I feel anxious, and the thoughts start in like, what are you doing here, this isn't for you, he's ruining you.

I love him very much and dont want to think this way.

Somedays it seems like it's only getting worse. He wanted to go out of town this weekend and I just couldn't becuase I was affraid of panicking, and him not being able to calm me down because it was him I was panicking over.

We have a substantial relationship, I would say we were great friends. But I go back and forth playing tug of war with myself over why I feel this way and what will happen if I don't do something about it... like get out of the relationship, and at the same time I can't understand or justify leaving we have built a great life together.

Am I just being anxious over the future of us and the what if's?

I feel like I am losing it sometimes, because I actually feel scared of my fiance, whats my deal?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: there-is-light,

I think that is just an obsessive thought, like many of us have - they just differ from person to person.
From what the Imp of the Mind says our brains pick the strangest or scariest thought we could think of and it sticks like glue.
You know you love him... Let that thought be there any float right past it.
If there is something else there that you need to address in your relationship, find a solution and go with it. JMO.

I think your right, but still it is hard to ignore the thoughts when it is so possible that it could be true. We are not perfect together we have are stuggles as anyone else does. I think that's what gets me started, I think things between us should be "PERFECT" like the movies, and when it's not, when we argue or he does something I may not like/agree with, I wonder if staying together is the right thing to do. It kind of makes just loving eachother not enough to keep us together. I know I love him, and I know we are friends, we love to do everything together, so much, that it almost becomes annoying, but when the thoughts come up that he is the reason for my anxiety I feel like my only option is to leave him, but as I said in my early post, that doesn't seem like a smart decision. I don't want to leave out of fear and I don't want to stay out of fear.

I want to be strong and independent, how do I get that being in a relationship with someone I may emotionally depend on a little to much? Another reason to leave.

I will say all I can think about, without even trying, is all the negative of our relationship. Even when I look at the future, my stomache drops like being on a roller coaster. All of my friends think Im crazy for feeling this way, they can see what a great guy/relationship I have. I wish I could too!


"Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got till it's gone."

Wow. I am having the same problem. I wrote yesterday about this subject (you can read about it on one of my postings). I also have those butterflies and anxiety when i even think about my relationship. He is wonderful though but he's not perfect and neither am I. There are things that he needs to work on like his control issues and always wanting to touch and kiss me. My anxiety started as soon as we moved in together. I do have past relationship issues though that i am working out with my therapist. I'm not going to let him go until I am positive about what it is that is causing my anxiety. I think you should try to examine why he makes you anxious. Is it from a past relationship, is it something specific that he does and can you talk to him about it.
Are you engaged? Are you interested in someone else? Ask yourself those questions. Maybe you can come up with an answer.
I know it't tough. Having anxiety is the worst thing I have ever been through.
Do you ever get moments of happiness when you are with him? like when you're not anxious?

Never make a decision based on emotion. Emotions come and go and change like the wind. I get a feeling that your ego thinking mind is having a great time at your expense. You don't have to leave your relationship for anxiety to go away. It doesn't sound like an abusive relationship so leaving does not need to be immediate. Allow yourself to be more observing of what is going on in the relationship. Write down what you see that you do not like about it. Also write down what you do like about it. I don't know that your relationship is the problem. I think your mind is creating something that isn't there. This is so common with anxiety and OCD.

I'm not a therapist but I do recommend you step back and observe for awhile to see what is really going on. A therapist may be just the one to help you sort things out and put it into prospective.

My best to you.

I agree with everyone else...I'm not sure your relationship is the problem. It sounds like you mind is playing tricks on you. I've gone/am going through the same thing with my relationship.
Just, while you're observing, please note that the "perfect" relationships on tv and in movies DON'T exist. EVERYONE has problems! Everyone argues, everyone doesn't always see eye-to-eye. That's part of it, you know? A relationship is taking two people with two points-of-view and bringing them together. Please don't think everything should always be sunshine and flowers between you two, because it's not going to be. BUT those rough times can also bring you two closer together...you just have to be able to communicate with each other.
Also, ask yourself if breaking up with him would solve the issue? That's why I never acted on thinking of breaking up with my guy. Because I knew that breaking up wouldn't solve anything...I would continue being anxious and depressed without him...probably even more so. You have to see what it is about the relationship that's making you anxious and think of if it's just something between you and him, or if it's something that would happen whoever you're with? If it's something that would come up in any relationship, then I don't think it's your current relationship that's the issue.
As Boon said, don't make decisions based on emotion. I know that's difficult sometimes, but try to really think about it and think about what you KNOW to be TRUE!
Hope this helps, and good luck to you guys!

If you are asking if I get anxious when I get home, yes. I think it has to do with the fact that this is where a lot of my anxiety starts from. Our home has been very busy and have been the type that thought I had to be the caretaker and provider to so many. My problems started after I took care of my father-in-law 24/7 day and night for a year after his stroke. So actually I think some of it is that I feel and had felt trapped for quite some time.

I feel better for a while and then when I get over stressed with company or anyother busy, it seems to come back to me. I can say it is getting less and less thank God!

So I am glad you guys always have great input. I am feeling better, but It is hard work to stay positive. I find it hard to just live without thinking, if that makes any sense. I seen my therapist today and afterwards, I realized that I may be secretly fighting to get better. I think I am affraid to be "better". That would mean actually living, nothing to fall back on, that may even mean change.... finding out that my way of life now really may not be my way of life without panic. Being better would mean change, I don't know what to do with change or freedom. What if getting better meant leaving my fiance? I would almost have to say I would choose anxiety over facing that.

I know.... I know.....

Anyone else care to jump in?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: there-is-light,

oh my God! This is incredibly hard to deal with. I know. I've gone through it with more than one boyfriend, however this time I really want to fight it and get through it because I think he and the possible future we could have is worth it. It's difficult because I get so confused. I went through this with my last boyfriend but the relationship wasn't a good or healthy one. Now that I have been going through it again, I can't get out of the cycle of OCD analysis. It's hell. You are NOT alone, LIGHT. Not at all. I keep wondering, if I'm having the same problems how do I know it's different this time? Was my last bf the one for me? (even though that really a ridiculous thought). It's made things very difficult, and, well, I could go one forever but I won't. HOw do we know? How do we know what is what? what's anxiety versus what's just not right, how do we know who is right for us under all this emotional and mental distortion? How do we trust feelings of love when it comes with all of this doubt and confusion? yea, I understand, Light. Hang in there. Any advice is helpful. Don't give up, girl. The answers will come. We both have to believe that.

quote:

That would mean actually living, nothing to fall back on, that may even mean change.... finding out that my way of life now really may not be my way of life without panic. Being better would mean change, I don't know what to do with change or freedom. What if getting better meant leaving my fiance? I would almost have to say I would choose anxiety over facing that.

I am so amazed that someone else wrote this. These are my thoughts on paper. I am newly married, and I feel great at work and on the drive home I'm thinking, this is going to be a great evening with my husband. Then I get home, and he gets home, and I start doubting myself. Should I be cleaning now, should I be cooking, should we be in the bedroom, is he happy with me? Why does he keep making that annoying sound? I hate it! I just want to go be by myself. But....I think I need to quietly and mindfully just watch things and stop "trying" to be whatever it is I think I need to be. At least thats what I'm going to try today.
That would be freedom. But I wonder too if I let myself be free, will I want to hang out with him anymore? And what are our roles if I'm not anxious and hes not caretaker???


hang in there. we are all learning.

Thanks IGDewers and Sarah. I appriciate what you two said. Since I last posted I have given this some more thought and came to notice that is more of a feeling that comes over me than a thought. Like... My insides know Im not where I want to be and my inner voice is producing all of this anxious activity to get my to notice and listen, and make a change. But my heart loves him and is scared to take the chance of loosing out on him if I leave. Leaving doesn't make sense, I would be crazy.

Do any of you experience this inner feeling that I am talking about? It's that feeling that comes from your gut, and the thought of what are you still doing here hits me like bricks. And then I wonder what am I still doing here, why am I here. Why am I even questioning myself... and so on.

I know I have already asked pretty much the same thing, but being that it comes from what seems to be a gut feeling I worry that maybe i am ignoring my intuition.

Thinking about leaving makes me want to cry, for tons of reasons. And staying makes me feel like I will never get better only worse. Is it the same for you guys?

On top of that, what if my love for him/this relationship isn't real, like it isn't as strong as I make it out to be, maybe I would really be happier on my own and I am to scared to see that, so I convince myself that my love is this almighty great thing. Maybe it is just pretend. Maybe it is nothing at all.......

Im just soul searching here guys, this is like my diary.

Also, maybe it is the thought that brings on the gut wrenching feeling like I just bunjee jumped. I don't know which comes first.

Relationships-why do they have to be so darn difficult for us? In my current situation-engaged for going on 6yrs-I have yo-yo'd back and forth so many times. During my times of serious doubt and depression I have thought "Why am I with this man?". At that time I realized how depressed I was and decided to ride out the storm, make no rash decisions and revisit that question when I felt more in control. I know in my heart that I love him dearly. Just sometimes my head gets in the way and the "what if's" take over. In my situation I think my low self-esteem has been a great motivator for the indecisiveness. I am beginning to realize the big picture here though. I see it as a journey of self realization. I made a list of the positives and negatives of our relationship. To my surprise and relief the positives far exceeded the negatives. I've realized that in my case the negativity has more to do with my stinking thinking. I've put him through so much with my junk over the years that I am surprised he has stuck around. He is a good man and I am grateful. I know you will make the right decision in your relationship as well. Just give yourself time-emotions are so fleeting. I've read a lot of great advice here. Counseling can work wonders too. You have to do what is right for you. I wish you the best-I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and experiences with you. Keep your chin up!

Thanks Jennifer, I to have been w/ my man for a long while - 5 years, I appriciate what you said. I don't plan to make any hastey decisions. I am seeing a therapist and she was conteracting everything I said so i know that this is pretty much just me.... some of it anyway.

quote:

Being better would mean change, I don't know what to do with change or freedom. What if getting better meant leaving my fiance? I would almost have to say I would choose anxiety over facing that.

You seem to be seeking answers from everyone. Emotional dependecy seeks to depend upon the opinion of others, external sources, to make the self feel secure and okay. This never works. Knowing who you are as a person and having healthy self esteem generated internally is what works. You say, "What if getting better meant leaving my fiance? I would almost have to say I would choose anxiety over facing that." Oh boy, been there, done that. Eventually, if this relationship is not what you really want, the pain from staying in it out of fear will override anything else. Your self will cry out to be free and who it was created to be. That will out weigh anything else. You may not realize it, but what you have said is very unhealthy for you.