I have a thought about....hurting people..but thats not all. Im scared that I might actually enjoy these thoughts. I dont know what is wrong with me. Im dying on the inside. I feel like a bad person that I even have this thought. Can anybody relate. Whenever I get a scary thought about hurting people..something goes off in my mind that says.."I love it"...or.."I really do like these thoughts."

Sometimes I cant stand to look in the mirror. I feel like ive shamed my family as well. And thats the last thing I would want. I want to be a good son, but I feel like im horrible and cold on the inside. My life is wasting away..and it breaks my families heart to see their son suffering and ruining his life. I feel like I dont even have a heart to break anymore. I tried crying..but nothing comes out. I cant focus on school and im failing out of college.

for a long time I used to have the same scary thought that you have. I think perhaps they are so scary, that you may feel that you like it while in truth you are terrified of them...I still dont like knives on the counter, but I think it will get better.One time, my brother was bothering me and I had a blade on my hands, I was fixing some clothes, and he got me so angry I went after him with it...didn't hurt him but scared him enough for him never to do it again and since then he would tell everyone not to mess with me, even though it was kind of funny I still don't like him saying that I could loose it like that...ah brothers! About the shame that you have is just normal. I felt the same way, my parents, a christian family believe in healing and here I am with "phobias and panic attacks" . They were mortified. I would be all panicky in the back of the car, and my father would be saying why can you control yourself, or talking to my mom, like I wasn't there...saying they were tired of this...like they were the one having the panic? I did also had to drop out of my 2nd year of college...and it was ok,...with the years I went back, slowly I took some classes, and more classes...don't get discourage, I know how you're feeling..I'll pray for you..you'll be a stronger person some day and so will I..

Yeah me too. After hearing parts of Lucinda's story on the tapes and coaching videos I think its all part of the same anxiety mess just trying to find another way to churn you up. I've stalled out on lesson 8 so I don't have much progress to share in this area. However, when I have the thoughts I try NOT to make a huge deal out of them. I can obsess about anything negative and virtually nothing positive. Some of my college years were miserable with anxiety, panic, and insomnia. I could not accept anything less than an A. I was a wreck.

I do know one thing. If my thoughts are angry revenge types they cause a biochemical rush of adrenaline. I've simply gotten addicted to this natural rush. It's "normal" for me now.

You are in my thoughts,

brian