Hi.
I have been having panic attacks off on on since I was 15 so that would be about 16 years now.It was always about me dying.I was married for 7 years and learned how to control it but when I divorced my wife and got joint custody of my 3 kids (6 months on 6 months off)Now I live alone with my 3 kids the panic attacks came back and what i did before, whatever I did to control them, wasn't working anymore.So I went to see the doctor and he gave me 20mg of prozac and 10 adivan just in case.It's all been working real well for me for the past 3 months until last Sunday.

Now I have to say that my brother has OCD. I don't know what type it is but he washes his hands alot, can't go anywhere without his mother or he thinks he's gonna die.He even showers for almost 1 hr. in almost pure hot water or for however long the the hot water lasts.The water is so hot that the paint has peeled off the ceiling and he only use 1 bar of soap per shower.I can go on but I won't.

Now, my old man had been just diagnosed with OCD.And me not being familler with OCD his big thing was he thought he ran someone down or ran a car off the road and had to go back and check and see if everything was OK.Needless to say when I was with him I did all the driving cause I didn't want to be on a 15 min road trip for 3 hours.

So which leads me to my story...
4 days ago I was lying on the couch watching a WWE pay per view and nursing a hangover.Then out of nowhere this image entered my head of me strangling my youngest daughter.It freaked me out.I felt sick I thought I was going crazy I ran outside to try to collect myself and been thinking of it ever since.What if I do this?and it gets my panic up and then I pop an Adivan to bring me down.Everytime she comes and sits on my lap or goes to give me a kiss I reflect back on that thought and do my best to get her to go play and if I can't I get up and do something.I don't ignore her I still do everything I used to do with her like tickle her and read her stories and such but its very brief now fearing that I will hurt her if I get too close.Especially when I tuck her into bed at night its real quick and I still think what if? What if I went crazy and did this.When I look in the mirror I can almost see my face in the newspaper after the fact and that freaks me out. If the thought would have been with a chainsaw involved it would not probably be so bad since I don't know how to use one.But it was with my hands I had this thought doing it which explains why I don't dare touch her all thought much like before.And I try to rationalize like why her and not my other two kids?Even thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I have eaten 2 jr. burgers in the last 3 days cause I feel so sick I can't eat.I keep thinking about it over and over again..it goes away for a split second and comes back.

I wouldn't hurt a fly. I never even been in a fist fight in my entire life. And in the past it was just panic attacks about me dying.But this is all new too me and right now I'm scared s**tless.I'm even half scared to watch my wrestling programs because it was when I was watching wresting this horrible thought came into my head.I'm sick to my stomach just typing this. I don't wanna tell anybody that will blab back to my ex wife cause shes an idiot and probably find away of taking all the kids away fearing that I would do this horrible act.And to be honest if the shoe was on the other foot I'd probably do the same.

So my question is: Does this sound like OCD or am I nutty as a fruitcake and should be locked up for even thinking something like this.

I even let me other 2 sleep in bed with me now that summer's here and I have no worries about them.

Thanks for reading to all the people that managed to stay awake though the whole post.LOL

Oh and even my cousin was diagnosed with OCD as well.All from my father's side of the family.
Then had another thought just hours ago basically thinking "what if i just do it and get it over with" and then my stomach turns upset and i start to panic and feel terrible and get up and do something else to take my mind offa it.I even went to the length is to telling my thought "Na I rather just get rid of you and get it over with".

If anything you said bothers me it is the fact that you were "nursing a hang-over." Alcohol and emotional disturbances do not walk hand-in-hand. This could be manifesting the issues to be greater than what they are.

You obviously articulated the situation well and understand this thinking is wrong. If you feel overwhelmed speak with a professional, pastor, or friend. I hope this helps.

Steve

yeah but I've been drinking beer since I was 12 and only maybe twice a month.I'm not depressed.I have no emotional scars what so ever.Before Sunday nothing ever worried me except for when is my other panic attack was gonna come.And what is weird is that my yongest was eating a grape today and started to choke on it and i ran like a bat out of hell to see if she was ok. So i thought If i really wanted to harm her, then why did I run to make sure he was Ok? Then thats when it hit me that maybe I have some sort of OCD like my Father, Brother, and cousin.

Well, I'd stop calling yourself a nutty fruitcake for one thing.

I totally agree with Steven Farris about the alcohol.

I don't have OCD, but I do remember even Lucinda talking about her fears of hurting her husband. She also says that it's the people who know they would absolutely not do it that are just obsessing. The Fruitcakes are the ones that don't care about what they're thinking and actually could follow through.

Please take care of yourself, and therefore, your precious children will benefit tremendously!!!

Heather

Yes, I've been there - those scary thoughts that just "pop" into your head. Do you have the program? If so, please listen to tape 10. If not, I would suggest reading some of the other posts on this site - you will see you are not alone. Here is a web site that really helped me. It explains why your mind is doing this. I hope it helps.

http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php

Drunk247,

It's anxiety. I had a thought like that when I was on antidepressants. It never occurred again but I'm obsessed with the fact that I ever had it. You need to let go of the fact that you had this thought and realize that anxiety or medications can cause these thoughts to occur along with alcohol.

I don't believe you would ever hurt your children and I commend you for opening up and putting this in writing. Lucinda's tapes have many examples of these thoughts occurring, even in Session 1 or 2 (I don't remember exactly). You are very brave to have expressed your feelings and you will be alright.

I do agree that alcohol should be minimized. Why is your screen name drunk247 if you only drink twice a month? Alcohol is a great crutch for anxiety. I actually though about drinking at work to ease the anxiety but realized this was a path to no where.

You love your children or you wouldn't worry about losing custody to your ex. The brain is a very delicate thing. Love yourself, exercise, and eat right. Listen to the tapes and heal yourself. You will be alright. Remember, Lucinda has said this is a side affect of anxiety and it can be cured!

Take care and love yourself.

Lisa

Hi there .. I have to tell you that its just being anxious .. this is very common in many cases .. you wouldnt believe how many ppl have these thoughts and know they wouldnt EVER do anything like that but yes I agree I have been there and I know I would never do it at all .... as for questioning yourself to be a fruitcake or going crazy .. believe this ... those who actually ask themselfs are they going crazy etc then your not its when you stop questioning yourself and acting apon it ..
and for the drinking I dont think it has much to do with it but it may I drink myself but not often and it dosent affect the way I do things and would never have thoughts like that .. sopunds llike you have been threw a tought time and ur right why would you run to help her from chocking on a grape if you wanted or thought you was going to harm her ... you have no reason to be scared and I believe what your doing is dwelling on the thought that scared you and you are just stressing so much that your ending up in panic again .. when things like that happen the thoughts again just say to yourself ''' im in control and would never do that so just stop thinking that ;; and just leave it at that know that you may have thoughts but will NEVER act on them ... I have had panic attacks for 12 yrs myself uggg they are very scary and I havent learned all I need to but I know how you feel ..I have a daughter myself and its not easy and stress dont help..
Just remember this you willbe fine and you woulnt ever harm anyone or anything you said that yourself ... so dont keep questioning yourself you will be fine hun ... take care if you need me my info is in my profile ..
take care hugzzz
Christina

oh and by the way it isnt OCD hun its just anxiety / panic and stress .. OCD is totally diffrent ..

drunk247:
I think you hit the nail on the head. Stop watching wrestling.

quote:

I'm even half scared to watch my wrestling programs because it was when I was watching wresting this horrible thought came into my head.

This of course will not solve your anxiety issues altogether, but it will help you to get past this most recent "what if" fear about your daughter. I've stopped watching the news because that's where I was getting a lot of my crazy "What ifs". It's definitely helping.

I also agree about laying off the alcohol. Anxiety and downers like alcohol are not a good combination. Emotional scars or not.

It just sounds like you need to stop drinking. At least give it a try. If that is too difficult, get some help.

My screen name is Drunk247 cause I saw a dude on TV in a crowd holding A sign up that said it and thought it was funny. It was that or Big Bad Booty Daddy.lol.Anyways I'm feeling a little better last 2 days even though I had the flu on top of this one thought.Yeah I go out with the boys on a Friday night every 2 weeks cause my kids go to their mothers house and gives me the chance to relax and have some fun with my friends which I never had much of a chance these past 10 years to do due to the fact my wife was very controlling and I did nothing about it cause I didn't want to hurt my kids.Now I got a situation I'm happy with. All I need is to go and have some beer with the boys,jam a little and forget everything and have a good time.I will never quit drinking cause I don't have a drinking problem. I quit smoking 3 years ago cause I was addicted to cigarettes. I quit doing drugs when I was 14 years old cause I was getting addicted to them as well.So all I got left for bad habits are drinking, jamming, and hitting on the ladies every now and then.

But hey, Thanks for all the support its been very much appreciated and god bless.I gotta run cause theres nothing like going to an 80's metal festival when your down in the dumps.The music will hopefully take it all away.
CHEERS!

It's apart of anxiety. It's interesting hearing others have these thoughts for the first time. And I know how alarming it can feel. I had those sort of thoughts when I was younger but once I found out it was only anxiety, I couldn't care less the odd times they pop up. It's your mind trying to distract you. I often find I start having obsessive scary thoughts when I'm stressed or there's a lot of things going on in my life that I'm having a difficult time handling. Now it's a sort of affirmation that something is going on in my life that I need to take a closer look at.
But I also know how difficult it is to rationalize that it's only anxiety when you're dealing with those thoughts.
But please, let me assure you I know I'd be 100% correct in stating that your thoughts are from anxiety and nothing else.

quote:

and I believe what your doing is dwelling on the thought that scared you and you are just stressing so much that your ending up in panic again

That's exactly what I'm doing.

Burke,
With anxiety , comes scary thoughts. I think we have all experienced that. First of all, i wont call you drunk247 because it labels you.
Second, I have a son also, fixin to turn 37. He never had a drinking problem either. From the time he was 19yrs old, he only drank on weekends to. He has custody of his son. But, between 19yrs old and today, he not only drank on weekends but also was addicted to prescription drugs.
An Alcholic isnt just a person who has to drink daily, there are several kinds of alcoholics. There's the weekend alcoholic, the binge alcoholic, the Just two small drinks a night alcoholic.
If you have anxiety or depression, you are defeating the purpose of getting better by drinking.
I understand, this is probably none of my business,, but your on the forum and talking about it.
I hope you get help, cause for your kids sake and YOURS, you need to overcome anxiety and maybe even alcohol..... take care Nelly

I understand this so well. This is a form of OCD called Obsessive thoughts. I had the same fear about my son whom is 8 and I will tell you that the tapes have helped tremoundsly. I am finishing up a book called the "Imp of the Mind" I highly recommend this. It puts all this into perspective. I still have my days you know and that is okay, I know these are just thoughts. Private message me if you need any support