Hi All!!

Please read this article that I've attached below. I have found this information on the following website: ocdonline.com. Very interesting material!

Lesbians Everywhere: A gay spiker confronts her pure-O theme about getting an answer to her sexual orientation question!

This particular tale of OCD begins with a crush on a boy named Sam.
I was a very happy girl. I was about to graduate at the top of my high school class, spent bags of time with my friends, and was enjoying my crush, of course.
Sam, however, didn't like receiving my attention as much as I liked giving it. About four months after we met, I heard from a mutual friend that Sam was gay.
I was a bit depressed and slightly embarrassed. Sam hadn't turned out to be the love of my young life. Mostly, though, I felt relieved to know his true colors, and hoped that he (and I) would be happy with future boyfriends.
A few days later, I had a full-blown panic attack, feeling the kind of intense anxiety which usually alerts someone to disaster, an emergency or the edge of a cliff.
My body and brain sent signals that I was in dire straits. I was shaking, I could hear my heart beating, and I desperately wanted to hide under the covers and never come out again. One thought possessed me: perhaps my slight discomfort with the Sam fiasco stemmed from homosexual desires of my own.
I found out years later that this very horrible experience marked the beginning of my struggle with a kind of OCD that is sometimes referred to as the "purely obsessional," or pure-O, type of the condition.
Although I couldn't understand why, I worried desperately that I was gay. I had never had sexual feeling for women; even if I had, I thought that such feelings were normal. But denial or acceptance of sexual feelings was not the issue. It was the sense of urgency that accompanied the question, the burning need to know the absolute truth.
I looked at magazines to see if I had a physical reaction to photographs of attractive women. I measured my response to girls I saw in the halls of my high school. I confessed to my dad, then my mom - who were genuinely puzzled, and explained that whatever sexual choices I made were fine, but that they also couldn't understand the overnight shift in my "preferences".
I pored over my past relationships with guys and friendships with girls, looking for any proof. (I suddenly saw lesbians everywhere. I listened to the Indigo Girls, picking apart their lyrics; if I could relate to a love song, it confirmed my new identity; if I couldn�t, I was a closet case. I learned that a favorite author had been gay, and that reading her books in public was considered "a dead giveaway" by some in the gay community. Why did I like her books, my little voice asked, and why so much?) I told my best friend what was going on - or tried anyway - and she suggested I seek counseling.
I did, although I never told my secret in that particular batch of therapy sessions. I felt as though the therapist I had would just pronounce me a closet case and leave me to deal with the anxiety I felt myself. Rationally, I understood that my attraction to men remained; that although I could appreciate the beauty of women, I didn't really want to sleep with them; and that I spent an inordinate amount of time debating whether I was gay. I couldn't understand why the questions I had were accompanied by so much fear. I even knew that the same questions wouldn't have bothered me before OCD.
I thought I couldn't do anything. So I convinced everyone I had just gone through an adolescent phase, stopped therapy and packed my bags for Yale, still terrified.
True to the wax-and-wane, in-and-out pattern that I now know OCD can take, the obsessive sexual thoughts I experienced did actually become dramatically less invasive throughout my first two college years. I met another boy at the end of junior year--we'll call him Alex--who shared my love of stand-up and great restaurants--and fell utterly, totally, drastically in love, as did he.
OCD came back and bit me in the butt about eight months after our graduation. This time, the attack was far worse. I could literally feel my blood coursing through my veins during anxiety attacks. I did the same "checks" with girls in magazines and on the subway that I had done before. Many mornings, I couldn't get out of bed. I thought about how much I loved Alex, and heard an incredibly frightening voice inside me saying that I would have to give him up, tell him the news, and have relationships with women.
I found another psychoanalyst and this time spilled the beans after about seven sessions, although I was very scared of judgement. She said there was nothing I could do, and that my obsessions were largely untreatable. I felt completely lost.
I spent hours checking out websites on depression, gays, depressed gay people, depressed closeted people--everything fueled the fire and the voice that said "this is you, you are gay, you get no boys anymore, you get women, you have to learn to like them because somewhere inside you, you already do--you must, after all, otherwise you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it�"
On a depression site, I saw a link to an OCD site. I thought OCD had something to do with people who washed their hands too much and used Kleenex to open doors, but figured the site was worth a quick look just the same.
I found 20 questions--if you answered yes to the majority you were "unofficially diagnosed" with OCD. I answered yes to eighteen. After surfing more OCD websites and reading some of the good books available about my illness, I learned about the "pure-O" and I thought I fit the description. My heart leapt at the mention of "obsessions of a sexual nature" as a frequent spike for the pure-O.
I also learned that people with OCD fare better with behavioral therapy than psychoanalysis, so I said my goodbyes and enlisted in the help of Dr. Steven Phillipson.
This guy has been my guide and a great support as I still learn to cope with day-to-day life and this condition. One of the most interesting and comforting things I learned is that an astounding number of people with OCD have the same spike that I had--fears of homosexuality--even though it is not always as well-documented as some of the other common spikes. Who knew?
We created a hierarchy of exposure exercises. An easier exposure? Rating women on their looks, sexiness and how much I feel attracted to them. Watching movies with lesbian relationships and sex scenes was tougher. Still harder was actually conjuring up fantasies of sexual acts with women. During exposures, my brain pestered me with questions and "what ifs" that I had to ignore. But they habituated my brain to my "gay" thoughts and gradually extinguished them-almost 100 percent.
I even "outed" myself to Alex. He was astounded, but proud of me, and went to talk with Steve, to better understand what I was dealing with.
I may have to take on another OCD bully later, but I'll be better equipped knowing how to use exposures. They'll help me face spikes till I don't even notice them anymore. I hope that the other gay spikers out there--I know you are there--step up to the plate and try behavioral therapy. In this PC era, it's tough to tell a therapist you are possessed by gay thoughts, though you're not actually gay-- and hope to be taken seriously. But the results of good therapy are really worthwhile. It will help you experience far better things in life than invasive, anxiety-producing obsessions.
I wish you the best in your attempts to manage and deal with OCD.

Chris TT
I am so happy for you and your efforts to get help and answers to the obsessive thoughts. I know you struggled very painfully through a time.
Congratulations! Ron

Hi All....
Just wanted to check in and see how everyone is feeling? Any breaking news for anyone?

Best Wishes!!

Thank you Ron.Its been a long journey and ive really come out a much better person both mentally and spirtually having had to deal with this condition.I highly recommend a book to everyone .It is a must read for anyone that wants true piece of mind.it is called the power of now by Tolle.Its worth every penny probably one of the most powerful books i have ever had the pleasure to read.God Bless

Hi All,

Has anyone who has dealt with scary thoughts of this nature gotten over them? Do these thoughts ever feel so real that you get overcome with fear and confusion? I try to ignore these thoughts as they don't fit who I am or what I want out of life, but sometimes they come on so strong, I don't even know who I am anymore. Any info would be great!

Thanks all!!

Ms. Anxiety - I can so relate to what you are saying. I feel like I have the exact same thoughts that you do. It is comforting to know that I am not alone with this. It is very scary and I constantly feel upset (its more my stomach that is always upset then anything. My meds take care of the other symptoms). I found a good counselor so that has helped me but the thoughts are still there. I find it hard to just "float" through them because I dont want the thoughts at all. And then I have what if thoughts...what if this isnt anxiety and that is really happening to me...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!Then that scares me more.

I think that realizing that these scary thoughts are a symptom is what we got to do. Not questioning, but accepting them as a symptom and not going beyond that. Just see it as a thought. I am struggling to do that but I think that that will help to get us through it.

Hi,

Yes, I'm in agreement that they are just thoughts. But it's so damn hard to stop them from being there! Everytime I try not to think about it, I feel like I am putting it away b/c I don't want to acknowledge a certain part of me! Like I am ignoring a very important issue. Then the thoughts get worse. I just want to be the fun, happy, even anxiety-ridden person I was before!

I also constantly tell myself, "wait this cannot be anxiety - it's going on too long, it feels too real!" But when I do snap out of the thoughts, for a few moments, I feel like the old me. I've been anxious before and never wondered these thoughts!" I've obsessed over my health before, my physical appearance, any kind of work I produce. So I guess it wouldn't be surprising that I would obsess over this aspect of myself. I just want this to be a really bad long dream!

Hope321 - What kind of medication are you taking? I have just been given Lexapro, an anti-depressant that also treats anxiety. Through the program, I've learned the proper techniques to keep my own anxiety and panic attacks under control. But I'm having a hard time controlling my thoughts still!

I am on Lexapro as well. It has helped me a lot with the physical symptoms but I still have the aweful thoughts that I cant get out of my head. I know it is so hard to stop thinking and scaring yourself. (I feel like all your posts I am writing- so weird).

I have had anxiety before as well over something different- I had anticipatory anxiety for months about sleeping, was only getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I would rather be back with that anxiety than have these scary thoughts any day.

We will get through this. Stay strong. You know deep down that it is all just lies and it is only in your head- its only thoughts.

Has your counselor shared anymore good advice? I am starting on with a new counselor.

Hi,

My therapist has said that she has dealt with many patients with OCD (some the pure obsessional kind) and these type of thoughts are typical of the condition. Just as some will have obsessive blasphemous thoughts, some may have obsessive thoughts over cleanliness/germs, some will obsess over sexual thoughts and sexual identity questioning. Her comments always help and I will always start to feel good, but as soon as I am alone and not distracted, the thoughts come back.

I had read some old posts on this board from 2003, where Carolyn Dickman, the Carolyn from this program made a few comments on this topic. She said that she has heard this "What if.." thought many times. She said that it is a scary obsessive thought just like any other. She said by us keeping this thought there, we keep ourselves from moving forward with ridding ourselves of the anxiety.

This is something else my therapist had told me. She said that after having this thought over and over so many times, I have learned it inside out. I know how to use it to scare myself. I had asked her why I can't substitute other thoughts for it when I try, such as scary thoughts of harming others. I've tried to use those thoughts as a replacement just to get away from these other sexual thoughts, but I've found that those thoughts made me more scared. The therapist's reply to this was that I possibly could be keeping the sexual thoughts around b/c they are a safer substitute.

I'd like to share an excerpt from an amazing book called, "Your Best Life Now," by Joel Osteen (p.102):

"Many don't realize it, but we can choose our thoughts. Nobody can make us think about something. You decide what you will entertain in your mind. Simply because the enemy plants a negative, discouraging thought in your brain does not mean you have to 'water' it, nurture it, coddle it, and help it to grow...

...You can choose to cast it down and dismiss it from your mind. Granted your mind is similar to a giant computer in that your brain stores every thought you've ever had. That's encouraging when you are trying to find your car keys, but it's not such good news when you consider the amount of smut, foul language, ungodly concepts, and other negative input with which we are inundated everyday of our lives...

...Nevertheless, simply because a destructive thought is stored in your mental computer does not mean you have to pull it up and run it on the main screen of your mind."

I hope this helps! Be well.

Wow, I was just here to post on the same topic. I am 22 years old. I am not in a relationship, nor have I ever been in one. But in the last 2 weeks, I've been constantly worrying - what if I am with a person and I love her and I still am not sure. I don't want her to hate me. But mine goes even further - what if I am with her and then I want to be with someone else. I also worry about my sexual orientation becoming different. I think I am bisexual - and I worry that I might want to be with someone of the same gender. What would my wife/significant other think? Will she hate me?
I have no intentions in the present of pursuing a relationship with someone of the same sex but what if this changes? And, here are, of course, the whole coming out questions. I don't think I could live the gay lifestyle happily. My family and religion would have problems accepting it. My family and friends love me, but they would not be thrilled about my identity, although they could come to terms with it. But I do want to be with a woman eventually. So many thoughts, and I have so little control over them. I feel like these are going to drive me nuts. Can someone please please help me? I've been pretty relieved by reading these posts. But any specific encouragement to my specific case? What do you think I should do? Did your thoughts on this subject go away? Are any of you happy in your relationships even though you may have had homoerotic thoughts/emotions/dreams? I am so worried...
But I do like women too. I just am very afraid.
Please help. And please be gentle.
Thanks.

Please give a gentle response. I am obsessing enough

Thank you chris tt! I had heard this all before from my therapist but hearing it from someone who has actually gone thru it make me feel so much better. I know that these are just thoughts and the more power you give them the more they will eat away at any happiness you have left. One thing that you said and my therapist said that really helps me is, people who really do the things we fear are not afraid of doing them! They do not feel afraid, they do not feel ashamed, they will just do them! They don't sit in fear thinking about it, they act!

Thanks so much from the honesty of this forum. I just want to add my name to the list of us who are plagued by these strange, obsessive, scary thoughts. They started when I went through the program for the first time and literally prevented me from functioning. I was already having tremendous anxiety, but what I could do I couldn't even do once these thoughts started...they were THAT arresting and disturbing to me. I could barely even LISTEN to the skills the program was trying to teach me because I was so CONSTANTLY ruminating over this thought.

I am a woman and have ALWAYS been very attracted to men and all of the sudden I had these crazy thoughts. In hindsight, I know it was to distract me from difficult decisions I needed to fact with regard to the relationship I was then in. All of the sudden I couldn't think about those issues because I was having these totally horrible thoughts that made me incapapble of dealing with anything real. So the obsessive thought lesson in the program took a while to settle in with me: at first the thoughts were too much that reason couldn't override them. But finally it made sense and it stuck. Reason and trust and knowing myself were the answers.

But reading your other experiences just helps me reinforce what I've learned from my own. Thanks so much...

I am so glad that I found this post. I have been suffering from anxiety most of my life. It manifested itself pretty significantly in my early twenties around my health. For a period of 3 years I was convinced I was dying of some terrible disease. I was able to deal with those, and it is now back with disturbing thoughts. This post helped me a ton, I felt like I was the only one who was struggling with this. I am thinking of going back on medication for my anxiety. I went off because I felt like I could deal with it myself, but I don't think that I can. I have felt just awful having disturbing thoughts, but it helps to know that they are most likely a manisfestation of my anxiety. Some days I just feel like I can't deal with this another day.

Wow!! I have never told anyone about my disturbing, horrible thoughts. Ever!! I have kept them secret because I was scared that they were not normal or okay. I thought that it meant I had the potential to be a bad, nasty person. I have spent days and days stressing over the idea that I could be one of those bad people who hurt others. Then one day, I decided that I would not let these thoughts have power over me anymore and let myself become one of those bad people and that I had to find a way to stop my wondering mind and put them into check.

Please note, I have not talked to a therapist or anyone else about how to handle this. I came up with this bizzare idea and maybe, just maybe it could help someone else.

I wrote my thoughts down, on a piece of paper. Every little detail and then I destroyed the paper. As I destroyed it I told myself that these thoughts were no longer allowed to enter my brain and that they would be gone forever. That was over six months ago and tonight (reading all of this) is the first time that I have thought about them since. I really hope that this helps somebody out there.

Also, I read that many people are afraid of what their family might think of them because they hold certain ideas such as "sexual preferrences". I have a story that I want to share with all of you that hopefully will give you the power and confidence to be you -- no matter what.

My father is against inter-racial relationships -- and inter-racial children are definitly out of the question. The rest of my family has the same opinion. Well, after my divorce, I had a nervous breakdown and my life completely fell apart because I felt like a failure and a loser. Then, a man (from a different country) came into my life and lifted my spirit in every possible way, he gave me new life. My father had no opinion -- he wouldn't even talk to me about it. Finally, five years later I decided to marry this man and on my wedding day my father was the only person in my family to show up.

About 30 minutes before the ceremony began, he came to my dressing room and he grabbed my face, looked me straight in eye and asked, "Do you know why I am here today?" I told him, "No!" He said, "It is because I never thought that it could be possible for anyone to love you more than I do and he does." Now, my father wants his grandbabies.

The point to my story is, that family will always love you. Sometimes it is difficult for them to see past their own thoughts/beliefs but they will support you, they will be there at some point. If there is anything that I have learned it is that the hardest step in anything in this life is for us to have acceptance of ourselves before anyone else can.

I wish everybody the best of luck!!

This has been very encouraging for me to read all of your posts. Thank you. I know how draining and annoying these thoughts are. I do agree with an approach that someone else brought up. One day while obessessing I was gay, I just said, ok, fine you are. And I smiled and went on with my day. I'm not gay, but just saying that seemed to shut it up. We are not our thoughts, we are who is witnessing our thoughts. I do think that in us, our stress just manifests itself into scarey thoughts to elude us from what's really bothering us. And since much in this world is out of our control, well, it would stand to reason why we obsess often. I think our brain thinks it is doing us a favor. So now, when I start getting these thoughts, I try to think of what's really bothering me, and deal with it. The thoughts usually disappear after that. I hope this helps someone else. I'll pray for all of you to have peace of mind.
Amber