Hi ive been reading everyones posts. Ive been blessed with scary thinkin for about 5 years now. I went on medication and got better then went off just over a year ago. soon after that i made a big move to a city 4 hours away from my family and friends and then everything started all over again. i was obsessing of hurting myself. I dont want to die but these thoughts are so damn scary. that was last may. lasted for about a month or so then i was fine. about once a month i would have these thoughts really bad and cry all night. then i would be fine till next month. Since last august or so ive had a really bad scary thought and i cant seem to get rid of it. i am too afraid to even post it. i am so terrified it is such a horrible thought and i never ever want to do this. I am at my wits end. I am going back to my doctor. I dont want to go on medication again. These last few weeks have been hell. I cry all the time, am nervous all the time, i dont sleep well, i dont want to be left alone, dont eat any more, and i find that stupid things i did in my past that i did and are stupid or things ive said i obsess about them and make them seem like they were horrible. I am so scared and am pretty much taking a back seat to life. im never happy anymore and i dont like it, im only 23 what is my future going to be like if i dont beat this now? HELP

Survivorfan101

I know exactly what you are going through. I understand the body symptoms, I understand the thoughts, I understand you not wanting to be alone, and I understand you not wanting to eat. I think that obsessive scary thoughts are the worst ever. Its like you have this constant war going on inside your head and only if you could find the answer to your question of "why do I have these thoughts?".. then everything would be ok....I too have the scary thoughts of hurting myself. Everyone says its about control or trying to have control, or to avoid some other feelings...And sometimes that is hard to believe..I know I ask myself, "Oh God, if I have these thoughts-does that mean I really want to die?"...But, like you I really don't want to die...I just graduated with a Master's degree, I have a job, I just started dating this really sweet, totally hot, awesome guy...I want to get married and have children..Why would I want to die???? I think one of the problems that contributes to these thoughts is that I have not found my place in the world yet..I don't feel that completeness within my heart (Like something is missing)--and it scares the hell out of me..I get scared that I will never feel peace within myself, I get scared that one day I will lose it, I get scared that the guy I am dating will not accept me for my imperfections, and I think I am scared to live life...All of these thoughts are so overwhelming...

One thing you have to realize about the body symptoms (This really helped me when I was having body symptoms) is that adrenaline is taking over your body..All of this energy is being released but not going anywhere..It causes the shakiness, dizziness, the overwhelmed feelings..(I am not saying that I still don't get the body symptoms-but they are easier to control when I tell myself this is only adrenaline)...
Survivorfan101, I do know exactly what you are going through, and I know exactly how you feel..I am only 3 years older then you and I too wonder "Oh man, I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life"..But, instead of thinking this way, we should say to ourselves "I am young, and I have a lot of tools infront of me to help me beat this"...Email me if you want to chat...

survivorfan101,

I am posting a wealth of info regarding obsessive scary thoughts, the obsessive part of OCD. I too have suffered from them. Except for the additions of two books I read, this data was compiled by another forum member. I hope it helps you.

"Ok, so, usually what I do is write out a list of the most common things that people with "Pure" obsess ional OCD fear. I think it was sooooo helpful for me when I read them that I post them to just about everyone, because for me it was just such a relief to know that these thoughts were normal among millions of people. So here are the most common thoughts that us folks with "Pure" obsessional OCD have.....

"Religious Obsessions"..
Excessive fear,worry,or preoccupation with:
Having blasphemous thoughts or saying bad things
Fear of being punished for blasphemous thoughts
Concern with religious beliefs
Issues of what�s right and wrong, morality
Dwelling on religious images or thoughts

"Aggressive Obsessions"...
Preoccupation and excessive illogical fear of:
Harming yourself
Harming others
Acting on unwanted impulses--Eg.running someone over, stabbing someone or harming others through your own carelessness
Responsibility for some terrible accident--Eg. causing a car accident, A fire, or allowing burglary
Doing something embarrassing or looking foolish
Violent or horrific images in your mind causing you to think you will do harm to others

"Sexual Obsessions"...
Unwanted, worrisome and intrusive thoughts of:
Sexual thoughts, impulses, or images
Thoughts about molesting your own or other children
Thoughts about being or becoming attracted to the same sex.
Thoughts or images of violent sexual behavior toward others.

"Miscellaneous Obsessions"...
Urge to know or remember certain things
Fear of saying something wrong
Worrying about making mistakes
Fear of using certain colors for superstitious reasons
Excessive superstitious fears with rigid adherence to them
Excessive concern with lucky and unlucky numbers"

...Whew, and those are just a few of them! The great news, No one has ever acted on a scary thought/image/impulse. These are just fears from a disorder because our brains tend to work in overtime. What was described in one book I read is that our brains just try to push out too much information at once. Here's a really cool analogy that I read. Think of our brains as having 2 doors, one that allows thoughts in, and one that allows thoughts out. For the average person, a thought comes in one door and just as quickly goes out the other door. For someone with OCD, the thoughts all try to come in one door at the same time and push out the other door at the same time. So all these thoughts get jumbled up in our minds. Making it A LOT harder to recognize that these are normal thoughts. Instead these thoughts float around in our mind forcing us to think "Why in the world did I think that? What�s wrong with me? Am I really gonna act on that?". Where someone without OCD would just sort of let the thought roll off their shoulders and move onto another thought.

Now for things to help overcome these fears... First another analogy that I read though...lol I love these things, they help OCD make soooo much more sense. Ok so this analogy goes...OCD is like trying to get into a swimming pool. At first you get in and the water seems really cold. But you don�t get out of the pool, because eventually you adjust to the water. Your body temp doesn�t change and the water around you doesn�t change, its how your MIND interprets the surroundings. So with OCD, getting rid of that scary thought is like trying to get adjust to the water. The next step is to allow your MIND and the way you think to adjust to the scary thoughts, so that they don�t freak you out anymore. Then, once you do that, the thoughts will become less frequent. Now in order to get over these fears, you have to stop fearing them. And just a note, if you stop fearing them, that DOESNT mean you will act on them (more posted on that below), it just means you will be able to understand and cope with your fears much easier. So if you get a thought, you wont think "Oh no! I don�t want to do that, I cant think this, I cant, I have to try to think of something else!" Instead you will eventually think "Ok, whatever, its a part of my OCD, thoughts aren�t reality and im not gonna let this bother me, la de da, move on to something else".

I think im gonna start another paragraph for things that help, since that analogy went on so long. Here are some of the things I have read. Now keep in mind, some of these may seem frightening to do at first because, well, your trying to face these fears and learn that they cant harm you. But don�t worry, the more you practice them, the easier it becomes.

1. Writing down the fear over and over and over again. Each time you get a scary thought write it in a notebook. Write until your hands become so totally sore that your sick of writing and you don�t even want to look at the thought anymore. This will help to expose the thought and help you to realize how silly it really is. It will also help you to "see" the thought and think "Hey, that�s not me! I would NEVER do something like that, its just part of my OCD".

2. Make a cassette tape of all your scary thoughts and listen to them for at least 30 - 45 minutes a day. This is the one that freaked me out at first, cause its like "What? I have to listen to myself SAY that?" But, once you get used to hearing it, its just like writing it down. It helps you to separate your normal thoughts from your OCD thoughts. And the more you listen to it, the more you will see how silly it sounds out loud and realize that it sounds just as silly in your mind.

3. Writing the scary thoughts out like a book. What you do with this is take your scary thought and write it out in total detail, as much as you can. Then when you get the scary thought, read that paper over and over again. The key to getting rid of ocd is really accepting these thoughts as just OCD and not being scared of them. So facing these fears by writing them out or listening to them, may seem weird and scary at first, but like I said, the more you can realize these thoughts are part of a disorder that CANT harm you, the less frequently you will have the thoughts.

4. Get your mind focused. This is for when the scary thoughts seem to be overpowering and you want to calm down some before you write them out or stop them before they become too scary. What you do is pick 1 basic object and then 1 basic color, so for example a green mitten. Then close your eyes and visualize this green mitten. Notice everything about it. The size, the shape, the color, every detail about it. This works with both parts of your brain so that you don�t have any "Extra room" for the scary thoughts to come in.

5. Calming down from a scary thought. All sorts of relaxation tapes out there can help to put your mind at ease and help relax your body. If you don�t have a relaxation tape or they make you feel uncomfortable, try using a classical music cd or a nature sound cd. Then with your eyes closed, count from 20 to 1 backwards. With each inhale say the number and with each exhale say Relaaaaax as slowly as you can. I really find this one helpful at night time when I start getting the "images" before falling asleep.

Ok, so those were the ways to work with OCD. The next thing is, "What if it keeps scaring me even after I do all these?" Well, first, it will definitely take a while to overcome the fears. But, these thoughts cant scare you if your NOT afraid of them. Try to look at them like a bully, or that kid that picked on everyone in school. If you fear that kid, then its going to come back everyday and try to scare you. If you DONT fear him, they have no reason to bother you, because you know how to stick up for yourself. The same goes with OCD, if that thought comes along, don�t let it scare you, if you cant get the thought out of your head, that�s OK! Just allow it to be there, but "Stand up" to it. Try thinking "Hey, you can be here for as long as you want, but I�m not gonna let ya get to me!" Then work with some of those skills or try doing something to occupy your time until the fear gets sick of being there and "Goes out the other door" (like in that analogy).

Ok, lets see, what other info do I have....here are some links that help out with OCD/Scary thoughts...

http://www.anxieties.com/5OCD/obsessive-compulsive_whatodo.htm (I looove this site, very helpful)
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/ocd/sandra/index.html
http://www.ocdonline.com/index.htm
http://www.1-obsessive-compulsive-disorder.com/what-is-ocd.html
http://www.no-panic.co.uk/menu.htm

Also, you may want to try some of these sites to get your mind of scary thoughts, their just relaxation links...
http://www.unwind.com/relaxation
http://www.learningmeditation.com/room.htm (This site is really neat)
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Aegean/3831/Relax.htm#Relax

Here are some helpful books on OCD as well...

"The OCD Workbook" By: Bruce M. Hyman (I LOVE this book!)

"Stop Obsessing" By: Reid Wilson & Edna B. Foa

�Brain Lock� by Jeffrey Schwartz

�Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts� by Lee Baer.

"Obsessive compulsive Disorders" By: Steven Levenkron

"Don't Panic" By: Reid Wilson....

....Now about the fear of getting comfortable with the thoughts. It's sort of like "Ok, if I get used to this thought and it doesn�t scare me, what makes me any different from a murderer, crazy or suicidal person who doesn�t fear these thoughts?"

It's kind of like a weird paradox type thing. how can I explain this...OK, so you get the scary thoughts of wanting to die/harming someone/harming yourself/suicide and so on, but then lets say, you do learn to overcome the fear and it doesn�t scare you anymore. What happens is, each time that thought comes into your mind, you will be able to realize that its a part of your OCD. What I did when I got anxious about not fearing the thoughts again is think "Ok, I DID fear these thoughts once, people who truly want to act on something like this, wouldn�t fear them, and would get comfort out of these thoughts" Now, you don�t get comforted thinking about the thoughts once you've overcome them, you just sort of realize and accept that lots of folks have these thoughts. I guess what I mean is you can separate the differences. For example: you will learn to understand that people without OCD have these thoughts and just let them roll of their backs, cause they know its just a thought. People with OCD tend to get freaked out about them until they can learn to understand them and people that ACTUALLY want to act on these thoughts feel comforted and at ease with the thoughts. Did that make sense? In other words, your normal, you wont get comfortable with the thought, you will just realize/accept that its ONLY a thought. I think understanding that its just an OCD thought and being comforted by the thought are two totally different things. Understanding that you wont harm yourself and that the thought means nothing, is just, well, what a "NON-OCD" person goes through and what we're working on getting to. Being comforted by the thought means you enjoy it, you like it, you want to do it, you know you will and your planning on acting on it. Which is faaaaar different than just being able to understand and cope with the thought.

Accepting: What we are trying to do, so that those scary thoughts won't be scary anymore. They will just be another thought quickly passing through our minds, Accept and move on. Know that they are only a thought and that they just can't harm us(or anybody else).

Comforting: What a REAL "crazy" person would feel. Therefore the thoughts would never have been scary to them in the first place and they would be trying to figure out a way to truly make these thoughts come true.

As far as writing it down and being scared at first, that�s totally normal. Just keep reminding yourself that your working to get better. Your simply learning to overcome the thought, be less afraid of it.

Now, will ya have scary thoughts once ya learn how to deal with OCD?, sure will, only they wont scare you anymore. They will be just another thought that will pass through your mind as quickly as any other thought.

I hope this helps.

God bless.

thanks for responding. i can handle the thoughts of hurting myself it is just the ones of others. especially children. I love kids but i dont think i will have any of my own because this is genetic i dont think it is fair to make someone else live like this. I am starting back on medication after about a year and a half of being off. Anything in the media that is bad really bugs me and scares me and makes me think i want to do it but i dont. My worst fear is the whole "michael Jackson" stuff. OMG it is so terrifying. I dont want to do that let alone think about it. I am so scared.

Dear Survivorfan101,

Hey, me like others on this forum have been where you are. I've had the same thoughts as you and am proving once again that all symptoms can be eliminated. Nothing wrong with medication. I was on zoloft until I strengthend my cognitions, thoughts, beliefs. (Would you get a root canal without novacane?) Don't view med's as any type of failure..They are their to assist you. All your grief lies in the belief of your scary thoughts..I recall following up a scary thought with questions/statements like oh no!..not again..why do I have to have these thoughts..In fact this past fall/winter when I lapsed I began asking bad questions and making bad statemnts..all this ultimately does is create more anxiety and depression.. As others can attest to you'll never act on these thoughts...the sheer fact that these thoughts make you uncomfortable is evidence of that. It's our second guessing and what if-ing that creates more anxiety and scary thoughts. When you practice writing the truth your brain picks up this new habit and thoughts become very very insignificant and are eliminated..like any other symptom of anxiety. I and many others are living proof of this...Everybody with anxiety is a little obsessive. We are also very sensitive to. This is not a bad trait however, your just using you sensitivity to work against you. Practice countering all scary thoughts with the truth.This takes committment, hard work and sustained effort, however the results are priceless....Next time you have a scary thought..take out your little spiral notebook and follow up with the truth...keep doing over and over and over...You will overcome..in the end the only thing we have to loose is anxiety.............

Refuse to Quit...The secret of champions is their refusal to quit trying. Futility is a mere feeling...conquer it and keep heading toward your goals. Create small success when the large ones seem impossible. Even skyscrapers and built a brick at a time.....

P.S. I am a huge survivor fan, who do you think will win the All-Star?

P.S.S. E-mail me anytime for any questions/support.

Michael

Thanks for your response. I am scared to death. I dont ever want to act on my thoughts but my meds are going to take 2 to 3 weeks to work. I am so scared that they wont work. and already I missed work today. I am not sleeping at night and i am not eating. I am getting scared. I am so worried that these pills wont work because i cant live like this. I dont want to die. I just want to get better. I am shaking all the time and have to be moving all the time i cant seem to relax. I am so scared for myself. I cant stop crying. I am so frusterated what if these thoughts never go away then what? Right now i see no light. HELP

Hey Survivorfan..

I started celexa a month ago, and was in the exact same place where you were. You are right the next few days will be tough, but as time goes on the meds will start working and you will be working on all the other behaviors to free yourself. i am in no way magically recovered but I do feel better. Just know that I haave been where you are now and it does get better

Hi survivorfan101,
I know what you're going thru is so so scary. I've been there a million times. Just try to remember that we do NOT act upon our scary thoughts!!! And tell yourself thats its ok to get back on meds for a while until this passes. And it will pass!!!! It sounds like you've made some pretty big, anxiety producing changes in your life. Allow yourself to feel anxious, anybody would!! It feels horrible I know, every minute seems like an eternity until the meds kick in, but they will. You WILL stop having these thoughts, its not always going to be like this. There is hope, you WILL get better. Keep saying that to yourself. And if you're a spiritual person, PRAY!!! I know it can be so incredibly discouraging every time we take steps back. Have you tried to peel the layers back and looked at whats really bothering you? Remember our obsessive scary thoughts distact us from whats really the problem. Can you figure out what that is? I know when I go thru really obsessive times, I write about whats bothering me and try to come up with solutions, if there are any. I try to take a pro active approach. Don't let it beat you down, YOU ARE IN CONTROL!!!!!!! We are always in control of our thoughts!! Dont give them any power!!! But always remember, say this to yourself all the time. YOU WILL GET BETTER!!!! KEEP TRYING!!!! I hope this helps. And know that you are NOT ALONE!!!!

quote:

"If you're going through hell....keep going." Winston Churchill

I just wanted to offer my help in anyway possible. I am going thru the same feelings that you are and would love to chat online or even talk on the phone if you would like. I get so lonely at times I can't stand it. Talking with someone who's "been there" seems to help me the most. If you want to talk, My Name is Jim and you are welcome to call my cell phone anytime day or night.

Hope you feel better soon
Jim
315-573-4066

I am so, so, so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am now 29. I've had this for as long as I remember. As you know it comes and goes. If it helps the last time I took Meds it only took 3 days to start helping. I had been off of them for about a year prior. Currently I am not taking any and I know how hard it is. You are not crazy, you feel way too much remorse, and fear to be crazy. You will not do whatever it is that you are so afraid of. I have been going through something similar for about the same amount of time, sense July. I used to think that I would never have kids because of all the things mentioned in other post. Well, sure enough I got pregnant. My son is now 7 months old. I stopped meds due to the pregnancy. Started again during the pregnancy then stopped again because I was so afraid of what it might due to the baby. He is fine. I, on the other hand am terrified by scary thoughts of hurting him, whether intentionally or by accident. I was barely eating and I am only starting to get a handle on that now. I am almost 30 pounds less than my pre-pregnant weight. The point is... I am still here, he is still fine. I am starting to feel better. And somehow, someway, when it really matters, we all keep going. I believe in this program, and I will recover, so will you!

gmarieg whew another woman going thru this. I dont know where they come from I am so scared that i am going to crack and actually do this. I hope to god i will never crack and lose control but i distance myself from children because of this. i have a 2 year old nephew i never see anymore. I am so sure that i dont want to do this but why do i think this? and then I think well if you think it u must want to do it and i dont. that would be the most horrible thing in the world. went back to dr. today and she gave me pills to calm me and help me sleep. i actually slept all day today. but i missed work. hopefully i can go tomorrow. I still dont want to be left alone in fear i may do something stupid. which i dont want to do anything stupid. tonight is better than this morning thank god. Thanks to you and the rest of you who responded

Hey survivorfan101,

I used to take xanax as needed until the zoloft kicked in. The bottom line is the belief in these thoughts (any irrational thought) is the source of your problems. Do not avoid anything. These are wonderful practice opportunities to strengthen your skills. Just by reading your posts I can see how you are bombarding yourself with false questions/statements which untimately creates more anxiety. Your brain knows you won't act on these thoughts so it reacts with anxiety. This will be the end result every time..Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. God did not create you pathological or sociopath. If you were these thoughts would be comforting and you certainly would not be pleaing for help on stresscenter.com..God created you a sensitive, good, loving person. Who is going to strengthen her skills and ultimately be a stronger person than you ever imagined. This condition is curable..I and many others including Lucinda Bassett can attest to this. I met Lucinda personally and we both discussed this particular symptom of anxiety. We can sit here and ruminate over how bad we feel or each and every time challenge our scary thoughts. There is no "it"..there is no "they" just scary thoughts. Everyone has them however, we were born more sensitive than most..big deal...we obsessed and thought ourselves into a bad habit. We have the tools however, to establish new habits thus re-programming our brain. You can do it..Take it one day at a time. Remember, you are not alone...There was a time I gave my scary thoughts "air time and power" and experienced the same type of anxiety you have. Not eating, sleeping, ect..I found the MWC and an excellent therapist and recovered. So will you. This condition is curable/eliminatable. This is your God given right....Go after it............

Michael you make me feel a bit better. and i know that they are only thoughts but they are so strong and sometimes make my self believe i want to do it. I really know i dont thou. they are so overpowering and then i think of the concequences and that scares me even more. more than the thought i think. im having a better today but when does it stop????? RIght now i feel like this is going to go on forever. HOw can i live like this forever?

Dear Survivorfan101,

Remeber there is no "it" or "they" just scary thoughts. When we give our scary thoughts air time, power, and follow up with bad questions/statements then we give our thoughts alot of creativity and imagination. We are just using our skills in the wrong way. Listen, if had the most wacked out thoughts of hurting myself, loved ones, ect..So have plenty on this forum...Again,you'll never act on these thoughts and your brain knows this so it reacts with anxiety. YOu stated when does "it" stop. Again, a very irrational statement (but understandable because I made the exact same one when I was in your shoes). Their is no "it" "they" just scary thoughts. I recommend medication, the MWC tapes, and a good coginitive behavioral therapist. See if their is a MWC affiliate in your area. We have to work to change. I felt the same way when I was in your shoes. I thought I would feel like that forever and I also asked how I could live like this. The MWC gave me hope and showed me the way to recover completely. YOu won't feel like this forever...your actually in a learning process now. Challenge your thoughts, stay busy, and write, write, write...their is truly magic in writing...
p.s. Are you seeing a therapist or working on tapes? God Bless you....

i am trying to go to see a therapist but im afraid there are no professionals that i know of in my area. i am in canada. I just went back on meds. i am doing a bit better but stupid shit still bothers me also. like somethings i did last year or something that is stupid and point less and dont bother me but i start obssessing about it. i am just starting the tapes agian. i work weird hours and long hours so it is extra hard to keep up with them. I just got Lucindas books so i am going to read them. this totally sucks. i cant wait for it to go away although right now it never seems like it will.