Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and have found so much comfort in what everyone has to say. I want to describe what I am going through and would love to know if anyone else can relate or PLEASE give advise.

Two months ago everything was perfect to me. I live in Boston but came home because I got very sick. My mom took care of me like a child again and I missed my boyfriend (who is also my best friend) so much and couldn't wait to get back to him Sunday night.

Well that week I suffered my first TERRIBLE anxiety attack. It started as I lay awake in bed with my boyfriend with a pit in my stomach. Next day I was convulsing throwing up heart pounding ugh it was horrible for an entire week. This had never happened to me before and I was trying to figure everything out and pinned it on my boyfriend because he is always the one to make me feel better and for some reason I wanted him around but felt even more anxious going to see him! I think it was because I wanted so badly every time for him to make it back to normal.

That was two months ago and I went through a stage of depersonalization and now I have VERY scary thoughts of not loving my boyfriend. They are all consuming I wake thinking of it and my heart starts pounding. I feel like rather then living in the moment with him I'm looking from the inside out its crazy. I get nervous I won't miss him or that I will break his heart or just that I am out of love with him. ITS THE SCARIEST THING TO ME!! I do have a lot of other things going on like my dad has lung cancer and is going through treatment and my best friend suddenly told me that she is moving away when we were just signing a lease for an apartment and I am starting a new job in June, which is something that usually would really make me nervous. Also before this was happening I found out my boyfriend would be living away from mr for 8 months and I was very sad about that even though I knew I would see him often, I was still very upset about it. Now, none of these things even bother me it is like I don't care, I;m just so scared to lose feelings for my boyfriend because I know he is my soul mate and no one has ever made me happier then him.

I know I just wrote a lot but this is so frightening to me and I just want to feel like myself again and I don't want these thoughts and the scary feelings that maybe they are true to haunt me anymore. Any advice please!?!?

Well, first of all it sounds like you have a lot of intense things going on in your life and it is understandable that you have been having anxiety. I actually have kind of been worrying about the same thing with my boyfriend lately, whom i love very much. my anxiety and sadness have been interfering with our reltionship, and i think its making me question my relationship with him. wow, i know exactly what you feel like. i think maybe we become so anxious and get in these states of mind because of everything going on in our lives that it affects our most personal relationship first. when we are already in a panicky state of mind, our brain automatically questions first the most important aspect of our lives. maybe you feel like you stopped caring about all of those things in your life because you were getting so anxious your brain seemed to 'shut off' to them, as a coping mechanism. perhaps a few sessions with a counselor to discuss your relationship and get someone elses perspective might help? also, have you tried any medication to take the edge off the anxiety?

Alexandraf
I am in the EXACT same position with my boyfriend. He and I started dating around the time I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I know I am supposed to be with him, but for one thing I am on zoloft which kills my sex drive and makes me feel emotionally unconnected with him. I tried switching medications many times for this but I respond the best to zoloft. He is great, not mean, and he really tries to help me with my anxiety. He is my rock, but I feel like im falling out of love with him. It SCARES ME TO DEATH. because I am ruing the best thing in my life.
I recently went on a trip for a week without him and I could not handle it. I was throwing up stomach ache the whole time. It killed me he wasnt there. Thank GOD someone knows how I feel I thought it was just me

kinda odd to see you folks discussing this . my girl freind of 4.5 yrs broke up with me 6 months ago be cause of her anxiety and scarry thoughts it was strange to watch the girl who oviously loved me break up with me i was angry but not as much now

It is very relieving to hear other people experience this, only knowing that we are not alone. Yes I am currently on Xanax but still have these awful thoughts that get my panicky. I read that when you have anxiety your mind creates the scariest thoughts about the people we love the most and the thing we are scared of most. Which is our beloved partners and losing them! Before this terrible attack, I never had a doubt in my mind. I truly believed and saw what people meant by falling in love with your best friend and just "knowing" they are the one for you. Thats how i always felt!! I think our bodies are too afraid to deal with those other anxieties in our life, that it takes it out on the person closest to us, the one we know will always be there. I feel like I can barely live in the moment with him sometimes like I am watching it happen and anticipating how I will/should feel, rather then feeling it. It just keeps the cycle going and I dont know how to break it. The only time I feel better now is when I am talking to him on the phone nothing is crossing my mind (as I said he will be living away from me for now another 7 months). Its so hard to seperate these thoughts from the truth because sometimes they feel so real....


Sorry I know I am rambling on but this is all I think about and I don't feel like I can control it!

I don't think your rambling at all. Your right, maybe we should just appreciate everyday, and take it one day at a time. Its hard for us when all we think about is the future, and over think our relationships. For me the question is "Am I TRULY happy being in this relationship" and right now i really cannot answer that question

OH wow I seriously thought i was the only one feeling this way... I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years already and we have gone thru hell and back, what i mean about that is we gone thru so much problems and just break ups but we forgave each other. {For Example me yelling at his mom, his drug adiction,asumeing he's cheating,and trust problems}
3 years ago my boyfriend was addicted to drugs and it took me about a year and a half to figure it out, i had my suspisions but then didnt accept it. Since 2005 he has been drug free. The past 3 years has been amazing, i am so greatful to have him in my life. 6 years ago when we first met i already knew it was love at first sight and he was going to be my soul mate. The reason why i stuck with him about his drug addiction is because i had this strong belief and faith that he would change on his time... and thanks to god he has.We have two kids with each other, a 5 year old and 2 year. I started feeling these yucky feelings of anxiety in June 2007, and between Noevember 2007 and February of this year i have been feeling so weird about my relationship with my boyfriend and i had thought just like you. It was so crazy... But then all of a sudden i realized maybe i was feeling anxious around him was cuz i was fearing that i dont love him and want to be with him but then i do. And 3 weeks ago we kind of got in this big fight and i kicked him out of my house and he just actualy left and i finely finely realized i was crazy and i miss him so much and i felt so bad. So then i called him and wanted him back... LoL.. but yah i blame this anxiety...I still sometimes feel nervous around my boyfriend and i always wonder why?... the questions that pop into my head is "do i love him?" why do i feel like this just around him?"...and i even tell him the honest truth about me feeling like that, and he already knows its my anxiety so he understands i guess. But its so stupid our anixiety is trying to come between us and our loved one.


I hope this helped....

You actually helped me too... u gave me a peace of mind that im not going crazy and its not our boyfriends who are the problem, it's just the anxiety. and reasuring me that im not alone... Thank you


Thank you all...

Shelly9
You are completely right! Its the fear of not loving someone and wanting out. Constantly questioning our relationship. And like you, we have been through a lot together. Sometimes I feel I push him away because I feel emotionally I am hurting him by telling him I love him and not knowing if I still mean it. I guess my question is What do we do. This fear haunts me everyday because I do not know what to do

Hello - I know how you feel as well. I have never experienced anxiety before in my life - even after people passing away and everything else. I grieved normally. Well a couple months ago I switched my birth control to generic, which had higher estrogen. I had no problems with hormones previously, so I figured why not? Well all of a sudden I started getting horrible anxiety and depression, feelings and experiences I had never had. I went to the doctor several times and they pinpointed that my hormones were all off whack from the new pill. They put me on my old pill and things immediately started to get better. Unfortunately, a kind of generalized anxiety stuck with me as a result. My backbone has always been my fiancee Steve. We fell in love in such a wonderful wsy, bought and fixed up a house together, have two wonderful dogs and just a great life in general. We are engaged to be married in October and i'm so excited. Unfortunately, because of the anxiety, i'm stuck with the same fear you are. The "What-ifs" and "How do I know.." It just kills me. What I wouldn't give to have these kinds of thoughts erased from my mind. I know they are not real, they are simply thoughts, and my fiancee has been unbelieveable in supporting me in this tough time. I think I am past stages of panicking from these thoughts, because when I feel like my normal self, I am excitedly in love as always. Now I am just trying to control the thoughts and try to replace them with positive ones. I have the program at home, but I have not started it yet. I don't have anxiety in any other part of my life but that one, but to me that is the scariest thing that could happen, so it would make sense that it would be my anxiety trigger. Let me know how you are doing and how you recover and I will do the same. I refuse to let anxiety take ahold of my life and ruin my beautiful life and relationships.

Hey alexandra i can totally relate to u but in a different way my scary thought was that i was gay and it scared me so much!It made me so tired after it scared me i could barley function and i could barley make it home after work!Because i was soo tired from having those thoughts!Well u know what it never happened i never kissed a guy IT NEVER HAPENED!! thoughts only thoughts! Well u are using these scary thought to distract yourself from something you dont wanna deal with in your life.And ask yourself would this really happen and ask your boyfriend for further insight and is this thought rational remember these are just thoughts!

I am new to this forum and have found so much comfort in what everyone has to say. I want to describe what I am going through and would love to know if anyone else can relate or PLEASE give advise.

Two months ago everything was perfect to me. I live in Boston but came home because I got very sick. My mom took care of me like a child again and I missed my boyfriend (who is also my best friend) so much and couldn't wait to get back to him Sunday night.

Well that week I suffered my first TERRIBLE anxiety attack. It started as I lay awake in bed with my boyfriend with a pit in my stomach. Next day I was convulsing throwing up heart pounding ugh it was horrible for an entire week. This had never happened to me before and I was trying to figure everything out and pinned it on my boyfriend because he is always the one to make me feel better and for some reason I wanted him around but felt even more anxious going to see him! I think it was because I wanted so badly every time for him to make it back to normal.

That was two months ago and I went through a stage of depersonalization and now I have VERY scary thoughts of not loving my boyfriend. They are all consuming I wake thinking of it and my heart starts pounding. I feel like rather then living in the moment with him I'm looking from the inside out its crazy. I get nervous I won't miss him or that I will break his heart or just that I am out of love with him. ITS THE SCARIEST THING TO ME!! I do have a lot of other things going on like my dad has lung cancer and is going through treatment and my best friend suddenly told me that she is moving away when we were just signing a lease for an apartment and I am starting a new job in June, which is something that usually would really make me nervous. Also before this was happening I found out my boyfriend would be living away from mr for 8 months and I was very sad about that even though I knew I would see him often, I was still very upset about it. Now, none of these things even bother me it is like I don't care, I;m just so scared to lose feelings for my boyfriend because I know he is my soul mate and no one has ever made me happier then him.

I know I just wrote a lot but this is so frightening to me and I just want to feel like myself again and I don't want these thoughts and the scary feelings that maybe they are true to haunt me anymore. Any advice please!?!?[/QUOTE]

I can completely relate to all this boyfriend love stuff. I've been with a guy for about a year and a half, and everything was PERFECT for the first year or so. I mean PERFECT. So perfect, I moved away from my family and friends to be with him. But then, of course, my anxiety came back. Then my mom became severely ill, and has since passed away. It's been about a month since she passed. I have the weirdest feelings toward my boyfriend, like our connection has been cut off. And I feel like if none of this craziness would have happened in my life, we would still be just as good as we were before it all happened. And now I just feel like we are about to fall apart. I just don't feel like I can be a girlfriend at this point in my life. But then I'm afraid if I end the relationship to focus on getting myself better with the anxiety and grieving, I will have messed up what could have been a wonderful relationship. SO I completely know what all of you are talking about with this love thing. I'm right in the middle of it myself.

I've been on this forum before, and am trying to go through the program "right" this time...it's my second time around. But the first time, I don't think I put as much into it as I could have.

So...those of you who are questioning your feelings for someone out of anxiety, I know exactly what you mean!

Im going thru this again right now and i have no idea how to control it... im like going crazy right now... everytime i try to change my negative thought into a positive i dont seem to be able to believe it. I seriously dont know how to deal with it. My thoughts that run in my head is, "do i love him" "do i want to be with him" "what if he's cheating on me" "why am i feeling axious only around him" and so on... then i keep wondering why am i thinking this. So like i mentioned i try to change my negative thought to positive. For example i tell myself... well when we fought two months ago and the relationship did end why didnt i keep it that way... why did i beg him back into my life and want him so bad.

Oh and now i even have thoughts like im only with him because of the kids and all... gosh its so hard for me right now... i could hardly look at him right now.... theres times when i am with him i just want to be in his arms and cuddle and there are times when my mind starts raceing and i just want to be miles and miles away from him...
I am seriously so confused...

Well this is an interesting topic to say the least. Being afraid of not loving the person you love. Let me just encourage you all that everyone, even people without the anxiety rollercoaster sometimes don't FEEL like they are in love with their spouse. If you are with someone long enough, you can pretty much expect this. There is nothing wrong with that. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision. When I was really bad with agoraphobia and panic disorder I was in a relationship with a guy for about a year and a half. We were off and on. He was a great guy, but I was never in love with him. He was a good friend, and I was so screwed up with the anxiety that I NEEDED him. Sometimes I even thought that I loved him, mostly when the anxiety was so bad and I appreciated his help because he got me and was my safe person. First you should ask yourself if you are only with this person because you are scared to be alone. IF THE ONLY TIME you have feelings for them is when the anxiety is really bad and they help relieve it, perhaps you are just holding on to something comfortable as a crutch. You should also ask yourself what it is you love about this person, WHY do you love them? Do you love them even when you don't need them? Well, if you do then that is a positive. This anxiety issue is all due to the the thoughts in our heads, that produce feelings. You can feel a million different ways about the same situation in one week. Feelings are not reality...we especially should know this all too well. Perhaps to ease some of the anxiety is to talk to someone you trust that has been married many years...I'm sure they will reassure you that you don't always feel IN LOVE. That is an unrealistic expectation and unrealistic expectations can cause a marriage/relationship to fail. You don't have to worry about falling out of love with someone. If you can fall in love with someone once, you can do it again. I think you will fall in and out of love over the years, but will only enjoy the experience of TRUE love and that relationship if you DECIDE to love the person. The way you fall in love is to just focus on all the great things about them. Write these things down if you have to. Tell them out load all these great things and how much you appreciate them to reinforce this. Purposely take time every day to think of all these special things, and intimate moments with them. Feelings will follow whatever you decide to think about and focus on...they eventually fall in line. Again, true love is a decision...otherwise you don't love a person at all...you are just following whatever fleating emotion you are feeling at the time. There is nothing to be worried about.

FrancesL:
That is a very good post; a very accurate explanation about loving.
I hope it helps Shelly9.

I could not have put those truths into those helpful words. You did a very good job of it.
Mary Jane

FrancesL and Cornflower


Thank you for your reply. it really helps reknowing someone out there understands. FrancesL your post is so wonderful im pretty sure your right. I wrote down so much reason i love my fiance and my thoughts were just thoughts. It must had been just my anxiety... Thanxs again for your help...