Hi everyone,

Last year I was diagnosed with Obsessional OCD, in particular when it comes to doubting things about my relationship with my husband. Things were going great for a while but now I've been hit with this scary, obsessive thought that I don't love him and don't feel anything for him. We have been married five months and while I dealt with these thoughts throughout our engagement, I thought I had them under control. Sometimes it just feels SO REAL that it scares me. I don't want to feel this way or think this way. My husband is such a wonderful man and every day I thank God I married him. I hate feeling this way. My thoughts are something like:

"you don't love him, just admit it"
"when you look at him you don't feel anything and that means you don't love him"
"you made a big mistake and now you are going to have to get a divorce" etc.

While I do have some anxiety with these thoughts the WORST part is when I don't have anxiety with the thoughts - they just feel so real. I don't understand this as just a week ago I was feeling so wonderful and sure of everything.

It brings me a lot of pain to have these thoughts/feelings. I have heard that your OCD thoughts can mimic feelings even though it's not true. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has gone through this. I am frustrated for feeling this way. I want to be happy in my marriage and will NOT get a divorce because the thought of leaving him makes me want to curl up and die. I just hate that these thoughts are so convincing sometimes.

Dear Want...

Everytime an unpleasant thought comes say, "Thoughts, just thoughts." Thoughts are only believed if the thinker decides they are true. Make sense?

If you truly mean what you say, "curl up and die," without him...Why bother entertaining these thoughts? Carolyn

Hey Wantmyoldself,

i have posted on here about this before as well! one post is under the what if section, labeled "newly married, long story". i have done exactly what you are doing. i also suffer from ocd and i have thought i don't love him many times. how do i know i'll love him forever. i'm so afraid of divorce! i think that's what gets me rolling. i'm realizing the "in love" feeling comes and goes and that it's normal. i also did a post in the general section "advice from married people" goes back to march 25 so you have to search a bit from it but the responses i got from people were amazing! made me feel so much better about things. look at my posts, i hope they help and i'm sure others on here will help you too i'll be thinking about you, i know it's torture to feel the way you are.

boy was I happy to find this posting. I'm so sorry for you, Self. I'm sorry that you're struggling with these thoughts. But congratulations on the marriage! It really is wonderful. I'm not married, but I am dating someone who I have thought I could marry. We have had some really amazing times. But at the same time, it's been very up and down. I love him, I don't love him, et cetera. A lot like the thoughts you have been having, SELF. I know it's not the same since I'm not married and I don't mean to imply that my problem is as bad as yours, but do you guys think that the advice could still apply? It's a very complicated and multi-layered issue that I could go on about for hours (trust me...I have), but I just wanted to know if you thought it was a similar issue. I had similar thoughts in my last relationship but it was a very unhealthy and not very happy one, but when I realized I needed to end it I freaked out and couldn't accept it and do it (several reasons I'm sure-none of them being true love) So, it's become nearly impossible to discern which feelings are which and what I really want. I guess that's what one gets from a lifetime of relationship idealization, ridiculous expectations, and basic dysfuntion. HA! There is more to it but I don't want to go on and on. I would be extremely grateful because, as you said SELF, it's painful. I have you in my toughts and I really hope things improve for you. Best wishes on your wonderful new marriage.

You may be putting too much emphasis on the feelings associated with love. We are bombarded by movies and fairy tales that paint that wonderful feeling we are suppose to have before we love someone. Even if you're not a Bible believer a look at 1 Corinthians chapter 13 speaks of a love we don't see at the movie theatre. Maybe you should question what you expect love to be. If you're looking for feelings to base love upon your level of love will be ever changing. Emotions are fickle, love isn't. Love endures all things it is said, emotions can change by the hour.

That's great advice Larry H. I totally agree. May I suggest a wonderful book called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It has helped open my eyes to the different needs of a woman and a man.

Congratulations on the beginning of a wonderful life with your husband!

Heather

I agree that we are given idealized and fantastical notions of what love should be and feel like. It's not always like that. But if emotions are fickle and love endures, how do we know the relationship between the two? I guess I mean, how do we know and trust love, or anything for that matter, when our emotions change? The whole connection between thoughts, emotions, and what's real is so unclear. And when our emotions are feeling love are we really feeling love? Do you see what I mean? it's confusing and more conducive to not knowing what we really feel and what's really going on. SELF, if I am way off here, let me know, I am just saying one aspect I have been struggling with a lot, and I imagine you may have a similar issue. I hope you are doing well.

Believe me, I would love to throw emotions out of the picture. Because I have OCD, though, everything tends to be based on emotions. Looking at it from a classic OCD suffers, such as a hadwasher, they will wash their hands however many times until it just "feels right." That is how it is with me. I have mental compulsions or testing or seek reassurance until I get the right "feelings" and that tells me that everything is OK.

Logically I know that love is a choice. I am very committed to my marriage and would not leave it unless something absolutely unacceptable happened on his part (like infidelity or abuse, neither of which I think he is capable of, otherwise I wouldn't have married him in the first place). I think I actually have a pretty good cognitive understanding of what love is (which is based on Corinthians). It's that OCD gets the best of me and I think that if I don't "feel" right, it must mean either I don't love my husband or I'm in the wrong marriage. Both of these thoughts cause me unbelievable amounts of anguish, as I do love him very much.

I don't know if anyone has had scary thoughts about harming a loved one but it's the same premise. You don't want the thoughts, they cause a lot of mental torment and pain, but you can't get rid of them. It's almost like you're in a fog, then the fog will lift and you can see clearly again. Can anyone relate?

How do they diagnose people with ocd? Is by what you tell the doctor is can they run some kind of test? And what kind of meds do they give and do they work?

I know exactly where you're coming from. I suffer the same anguish. I have OCD also, not the handwashing, but repetitive thoughts, etc. and am on Celexa for that. Because I feel so empty and flat, it scares me that I may not love him and that is pure torment because he is such a gift from God and we have been truly happy. I did have an attraction to someone else, not an affair, that got a little out of hand a couple of times and once I started thinking about all of it, it was all I could think about and I was asking myself over and over, how could I love him and something like that happen? I have been in torment so long with this guilt, regret & condemnation that I could even feel an attraction to someone else, but it has been doubly hard for me. I keep thinking if I can just feel this overwhelming sense of love for him I will be okay. He is the greatest husband in the world. I'm so glad there's someone else on this website that I can relate to. Please write back.

i know what you mean about the attraction to somebody else and being stuck on it. i saw a guy at the gym one day and was like wow! and then i was like oh my god! how can i be so attracted to another-i'm ocd as well and so the thought just stuck with me. i felt awful and all i did was see him from afar! the thing is, just bc we're married doesn't mean we're not still going to be really attracted to other people. we're human and being married doesn't make us not see anyone else. i got off of that obsession quickly-i went home and got on the computer and researched being married and attracted to other men, is this ok? YES! as long as you don't act on it! so that subsided my obsession and guilt for that topic anyway.

I would have to disagree that it's okay to be attracted to other men if you're married. You might find other men "attractive," meaning nice looking, that's just how people are created, but to be "attracted" to another when you're married is borderline being unfaithful in your mind. Yes, we do see attractive people, it's just what we do after we think about their attractiveness...

I'm glad you are sharing your feelings with us WANTMYOLDSELF.

God Bless,
Heather

Often obsessive thoughts are a distraction for something that's *really* bothering you inside that you feel out of control of. The fact thta your conflicted about having doubts about your husband tells me that there is something (probably more benign) that's bothering you.

I can't stress how wonderful a therapist is when it comes to exploring these reasons. You can do it on your own, but having an objective cognitive behavioral therapist there is a godsend.

It's good to look at them as "simply thoughts"...because they aren't real, but to remove the obsession, you must discover what is really bothering you.

I know right now hearing that must be so frustrating because in your mind you feel that everything is perfect except for your OCD tendency. It could be that your insecurities about losing your husband are causing you to obsess about your feelings.

heatherbythesea,

i was attracted but i was also in full ocd mode. everything at that time was jumping out of me-intrusive terrible thoughts about harming myself, others and i was out of control. everything i saw on tv i was able to put myself there and think i was capable. so when i saw this attractive person i was like, he's attractive. oh my god! is this bad i thought another was attractive? normally i would just be like he's attractive and move on. but then i spiralled out of control...was obsessed with it and felt awful. i didn't even get a real great look but i got that pang and felt awful, was this ok? yes. i wasn't so attracted more than i was to my husband. all i was saying is that we can get stuck on stuff and this was something i was stuck on. not even so much being attracted to him after that fact but stuck on the thought of being attracted to someone else. make sense? can anyone else relate? i don't need to start obsessing over this (again) since you said it wasn't ok...and odds are i can spiral in bc i'm influenced so easily.

I agree that SOME obsessive/scary thoughts are a distraction. For instance, when I start to worry about my health it's usually because I'm really stressed out about other areas of my life like work, grad school, etc.

However, I don't think OCD is like that. OCD is intrusive, unwanted thoughts that infiltrate your mind no matter what. And OCD is there all the time. Even when I am not panicking and feeling pretty good, I still get intrusive thoughts that pop up out of nowhere, I can just dismiss them more easily. There is a fine line between an anxiety sufferer with obsessive thinking, and someone with OCD. I would love to be an anxiety sufferer with obsessive thinking. That would be a welcome relief, actually. OCD comes from a problem with the way the mind handles messages about fear and doubt. This problem probably has to do with the chemicals that carry messages to nerve cells in the brain. If the flow of these chemicals gets "blocked," or if there is not enough of them, messages about doubts and worry seem to get "stuck." This leaves a person with a feeling that something's not right and creates lots of false thoughts.

On the contrary, nothing in my life is perfect and I deal with stress and imperfection just like everoyne else. My OCD though, tends to attack the thing that is most important to me, and that is my husband. I have seen it happen to mothers who suddenly become afraid they don't love their kids, or people who struggle with suddenly getting intrusive, awful thoughts about not loving God and thinking blasphemous things. These are the things that are most important to them. Why OCD picks on a certain thing, I don't know. I just know it is hell.

OCD people cannot deal with shades of gray. Everything needs to be black and white to me, right or wrong. Either I have the right feelings, or I don't. This just doesn't happen with my husband. I get upset if my routine changes and it makes me feel "not right." Honestly, I am not speaking lightly when I say these thoughts torture me and torment me. I don't want to have them, I am committed to and love my husband very much. If I could explain it, it's like having someone else inside of your brain, causing you to think these really awful thoughts. When in your rational mind, you can't ever figure out why you felt that way in the first place. But when your are in the cycle, all you want to do is escape your torturous thoughts.