Hi Everyone,
I'm new to the message boards - although not new to anxiety/panic attacks at all. I apologize if this is long, but I want to give some background on myself. I'm 53 years old and have experienced anxiety off and on since I was a teen. I first went through the program way back in the 80s with Lucinda's first tapes and had great success with them and would sometimes go for years with NO anxiety problems at all. Recently (since February) I started having a lot of anxiety, scary thoughts and panic attacks. I'm seeing a therapist and listening to the Midwest Center tapes once again. I have a lot going on in my life - and have had for a while, including the possibility of moving to another state, financial problems, etc. But, I've never before experienced such scary thoughts or feared losing my mind. Usually my scary thoughts are centered on health issues. But now I'll have thoughts like "what if I hurt someone?" "What if I hurt one of my cats?" I KNOW I'd never do something like that - especially hurt my cats. I love animals and my pets are like my babies! But these thoughts cause me to panic and I can't seem to get a handle on it - even though I've listened to tape 10 over and over. Morning seems to be my really bad time. I obsess over things in the news - like the recent school shooting and think "what makes a person like that?" What if I snapped and did something like that? Then, this morning I woke up and felt kind of nervous (morning seems to be my bad time) and all of a sudden the name Charles Ng popped in my mind. Then I realized that's the name of a serial killer in California from years ago! I freaked out! It sent me into a total panic attack and I had to go over to my sister's house. I kept thinking "why did that name pop into my head?" There must be something horribly, horribly wrong with me! I don't know if it's because I was thinking of that school shooting in Virginia or what...but it just totally sent me into one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had! I don't want to think these thoughts anymore - I don't want to think about serial killers, or horrible things...I know I'm doing it to myself...but this is so hard. I even told my sister and she made it seem like no big deal...which did help, but I'm still afraid I'm going to keep thinking things like this and never feel normal again. Please...has anyone ever had a spontaneous thought or phrase or name like that just pop into your mind for no reason? Thanks so much for any help or reassurance that I'm not losing my mind! Also...I'm a writer and I work at home and I know I spend too much time alone with way too much time to think!!

Cindy, hi my name is Diane i have scary thoughts and feel anxious about them, they started 6months ago after battling panic attacks
I was put on 4 medicines to take and one night i snapped and wished my kids dead and wanted to harm them and myself until this day i still have those scary thougts and what if i really do act on them i love my kids to death and cherish them forever but i do spend to much time focusing on them. It might not have nothing to do with my kids but still obsess over them. I pray everyday that this thought will go away but it don't cause i focus on it eventually it will go when i move on. And i feel like i won't get better but my faith says different are u on meds let me know Diane

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This message has been edited. Last edited by: Angie S.,

Thanks for answering so quickly, Diane and Angie! It's nice to know we're not alone in this and hopefully we can help each other. Yes, I've read lots of the other posts on here about scary thoughts and it has helped. I guess this morning when that name just "popped" into my head for no reason, it freaked me out so much, it caused me to panic. I really believe once we have one of these thoughts, it's SO scary to us, we just can't shake it - I remember someone saying on this board that those thoughts "stick" in our minds because they scare us so much. Yes, I am on medication - just started on Paxil a couple of weeks ago and also Xanax (which helps, because as soon as the anxiety quiets down, I can think more rationally about these thoughts.) Angie, I've thought about what you said about writers - like Steven King or Dean Koontz...they have to think some really scary, weird stuff but it doesn't mean they're crazy! Diane, you wont hurt your kids - just like I would never hurt my cats. We love them and have to remember to think "thoughts, it's just thoughts - it's just my anxiety." Thank you again for writing and you're both in my thoughts.
Cindy

Yep I went through the same exact thing....This anxiety thing is crazy, before going through it myself, I never thought something like this existed. from the tapes Iv'e learned that the thoughts are a mask for something else. Try and find what that thing is and deal with it. I'm in the same boat as you. If you do pray....It's eventually going to get better.

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This message has been edited. Last edited by: Angie S.,

I know exactly how you feel and where you are coming from. Around Christmas I was so bad that I didn't stop shaking for days. My fiance' and I went home to PA for Christmas and the scary thoughts got so bad that I had to sleep with my mom and the whole night was a complete obsession. I had horrible thoughts about hurting my mom (who is my best friend too.) The thoughts scared me right out of bed so I went to lay beside my dog on the floor and I thought what if I take a pillow and sufficate her with it. I wanted to run from myself the whole time I was supposed to be enjoying time with my family for Christmas. On the way home we stopped in Savannah, GA and stayed at an old Bed and breakfast. My first thought when seeing the place was that it looked like something straight out of an old horror movie instead of seeing it as a cute little old place with lots of history. I tried to have a good time there since we were celebrating our engagement but the whole trip was one big obsession about hurting my fiancee'
Here's a funny story, my therapist told me to tell the thoughts, "silly though, try telling me that in French" so I did that and my mind ended up pulling out the only thing that I knew in French and hadn't said since I was a kid, par le vu france' or however it is spelled. So yes, our minds have a way of pulling things out of thin air and we wonder where in the hell did that come from! We just can't let it scare us because the more power and meaning we give to the thoughts the stronger they become. I've also found it helpful to tell whoever I'm having the scary thought about, what the thought is. Right now I've got the thoughts under control with the help of Acupuncture and kava kava (a natural relaxant). You should also pick up a book called the Imp of the Mind. It really puts things into perspective. We'll get through this even if we were cursed with the "anxiety gene!"

xoxo

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This message has been edited. Last edited by: Angie S.,

Thanks, everyone for your responses. I can't tell you how much it helps to know I'm not the only one going through this! Angie, yes, I want to reassure you that I understood what you meant about the writers. Please don't worry about how you said it...I knew you meant they aren't crazy and neither am I. It's just thoughts. And Dixie1980x, I liked the story about saying the thought in French! This has been one of my worst episodes ever but it feels good to share and hopefully help someone else going through the same thing. Angie, I hope you feel better soon, too.
Cindy

Hi there,
Well, I am not new to scary thoughts. I have had some pretty scary thoughts since Feb of this year. They have changed for me. At first it was about hurting my husband and my son. Now, it's about hurting myself. Mind you, I KNOW that I wouldn't hurt myself - EVER!
It looms over me. I know it's just an off shoot of anxiety. Mine pops up when I am under stress, so I know what it is. I am learning to say - you know what - that's totally not the real me - that's anxiety talkin'. I did read Hope and Help for your Nerves and the Imp of the Mind. Don't "push" them away. Hard to do when you are thinking of stabbing someone or yourself. Just float past it. You know it's not you. Your mind created the biggest thing you were afraid of. Like all the other symptoms, they are harmless - simply because you fear them. No need to fear them. You know who you are and that you won't do anything like that - these thoughts hang around because we are so frightened of them, me included. Some days are better than others. Tell your mind, go ahead play your tricks - I know what you are and I give you no power.
We're going to be ok...

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This message has been edited. Last edited by: Angie S.,

Cindy,

Yes, those wonderful "come out of nowhere" instant thoughts - designed to scare the peejeebers out of us. No warning. I know about these.

You will need to start questioning these thoughts. Not for long periods of time but in the moment. Do I really believe I'd do something like that? Do I really believe I'm that kind of person? Start to let go of your beliefs. You don't really believe them but you are reacting to them like you believe them. Practice underreacting to your thoughts. Remember this is a process, Cindy, so it will take time, but reassure that little girl in you that you are working on your healing and it's important to be patient. Don't feel patient? Fine, that's OK. Just notice how you feel and allow the feelings their passage.

When you feel scared (and you will for awhile) put your arms around yourself. I used a doll to represent my inner child and held her a lot. It was very helpful. Allow the scared feelings. "I can see why I'm scared. Look at what I just said to myself." That's acceptance and understanding, Cindy.

Write down soothing phrases that you can keep with you for comfort. Practice your breath and keeping it slow. Deep will come later, just keep it slow and natural when you are upset.

Right now you are keeping the thoughts coming back because of your resistance to them. I know it's hard not to fight these scary thoughts but you must work at "allowing" them to come and go. I promise they will leave more quickly. Come back less and less and with less intensity and eventually will not come back for long, long periods of time and when they do they will have little or no impact on you because you know they are ridiculous.

You are either avoiding something or it has just become a bad habit. No problem. It will get better. Accept that you may very well deal with anxiety your whole life but it gets so easy and you have less episodes when you "allow". In other words, don't look at eliminating this condition. Look at moving through it instead. One way is resistance and the other way is acceptance. You get to where you want to be with acceptance.

My very best to you.

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This message has been edited. Last edited by: Angie S.,

Angie, I'm so glad you feel better already and yes, so do I! Boon, thank you so, so much for your thoughtful reply. I've been reading these boards for a while but was afraid to write about my own scary thoughts, but now that I have - it makes them seem much less scary! I will try all of your suggestions and continue listening to the tapes. I think it is happening because I am both avoiding something in my life AND it's become a bad habit. I do have a lot going on right now...contemplating a lot of changes in my life, etc. You're all great and thanks again so much.
Cindy

Hi Cindy, I'm new to the program and learning as I go along, but I did want to let you know I can relate to what you are experiencing. My anxiety reared its ugly head in my childhood/teens and I remember having these very disturbing thoughts about harming my parents or my dogs. I thought I was going to lose control and this terrified me. Here I am though 30 years down the road and I've never harmed anyone, heck I have trouble killing an insect I've come to realize it's just another "expression" of anxiety. We're not crazy, I learned in psychology classes it's the individuals who think crazy and feel they are perfectly normal who are deranged. We who suffer from anxiety find many ways to torture ourselves and this form of ruminating on the grotesque is one of them. I don't suffer from the bad thoughts as much as I once did, but when they do come up I immediately remind myself it's just anxiety, I'm not crazy and I'm totally incapable of doing physical harm to anyone. Distraction helps, if you see a frightening scene in your head change it to something completely silly, everyone starts dancing etc. I know this sounds weird but it does work sometimes,and it grounds you in the reality that these are only thoughts in your head stemming from anxiety. Hope that helps a little Cindy. Remember you are not alone.