I started this program in February. I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was in my early teens. I'm a Christian and I struggle with taking my medication. I'm 32 years old now and I had to move back home after being on my own for about 10 years on and off. I work a high stress job, with children at a non-profit agency. I attend counseling and have a psychiatrist who manages my medication. I'm struggling now with my future. My parents are getting older and I'm scared about my future alone. I don't want to be this way anymore and I get angry which makes me anxious and depressed. I know that I'm capable of being an independent person, but it scares to think of me being alone. I think of having a relationship with a Christian woman and that scares me, yet it scares me to be alone. I'm stuck is anyone out there who can give me some insight. Thanks

Hi TTOC, I am a bit older than you at age 50, but I can relate to the fear of being alone. My father died when I was 21 and my mother died two years ago. I have two older brothers who don't speak to one another (but I keep in touch with both but see them rarely). I am happily married but we have had our struggles with my stepdaughter who is currently disabled from a bone marrow transplant for leukemia when she was 19. She is now 23 and was 8 when her leukemia began. Now, having said all that, even though I am married, when my mother died, I lost all sense of being connected to a family. All of my aunts and uncles are gone too. I am fearful of something happening to my husband and think of what I'd do often. The past two years since my mom died combined with my stepdaughters issues have been very emotionally intense with alot of anxiety, depression and grief & anger. My brother who is single and lives in Maryland is a master at creating a social life. His advice to me was to build a life outside of my marriage so I will have a support system. With my stepdaughters issues for the last 15 years, my husband and I have been very insular with not much of a social life. The goal for building a life outside the marriage is to develope meaningful friendships where we can be mutually supportive. It isn't easy. I am not particularly religious, but your Christian fellowship is a fantastic opportunity to meet like-minded people. As anxiety sufferers, I think we have a tendency to hole-up and be and feel alone. It takes energy to get out there and time and hard work to build friendships. I started by simply making a list of all the women I knew (none that I really knew well) that I liked and would be interested in pursuing friendships with. I basically used creating a book club as the impetus to get us all together. I got 18 who were interested, and a year later 6 who remained. What I found is that all us us felt isolted from friendships with so much focus on work, families (children & aging parents) and we were all eager to put the effort into getting together. The friendships are still developing, but it is a start! I am still afraid to be alone and wonder what would happen---who would take care of me if I got sick or as I grow old. But I try not to go there too often because it makes me desparate and keeps me from moving forward. I urge you to just sit down and make a list of things you enjoy, where you might be able to find places to do these activities, and even a list of people and just begin calling. Hey, I met my husband on a blind date and I was the one who called him! You can do it! And, by the way, my wise brother recently got married to a woman he met through on-line dating! I won't pretend its easy. It's really life altering when you become your aging parents "parent" and somewhere along the line you began comforting and taking care of them instead of the other way around. It's life's way of preparing us for their inevitable departure. Hang in there -- positive self-talk and don't give up when your efforts don't always pay off. You can do it!!

Hey ya ttoc, I'm so glad you logged back in. I was hoping very much to hear from you again. I could really relate with your expeirence at Youth Camp. We with anxiety tend to put unrealistic expectations of ourselves. I do it to myself, I set the bar way to high, then miss the mark I set for myself. And then of course feelings of failure will always be there because there is no human way to reach the expectations I have for myself. Session four in this program is where I'm at now. And that is what session four is all about. Our unrealistic "shoulds". (expectations) It's going to take alot of work for me to lower the expectations, but I'm learning how to. As a christian it's a fine line for me between expecting Big Things coming from God and lowering the expectations of myself.
When you think about your weekend at youth camp try and talk to yourself gently. Just going is reason for giving yourself a pat on the back. And if your like me it took alot of courage to go and be participating in any form there around lots of people. So tell your self that your doing great by just going , and your courageous for going knowing the pain of anxiety and depression.
And an encouraging thought that I use in prayer is. Thank you Lord that you deal with me not according to my sinfulness, or according to my good works, But that you deal with me according to your will. amen.
Look forward to chatting with you somemore, maybe this evening I'll have time and send you a private message and we can email each other back and forth.
God bless and daily prayers for all of us.

Hey Beckman,

It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this battle. Thanks for the good advice. It's been a real struggle this past week. This past weekend I went to a youth group retreat with my church youth group. It was a good retreat, but during the main speaker messages I was feeling like a complete failure in my own relationship with Christ. I was anxious, but the depression was keeping me from really enjoying the weekend. When I got home I had a panic attack. It was the first one in a long time. It scared the me, but I worked through it. Praise the Lord. I just get really disappointed when I struggle like this. I look at everyone and see them as a stronger Christian than I am. It just really gets me down. I struggle with the belief that my struggles with anxiety and deppression are bigger than God. I definitely see that we do have alot in common. I hope that we can continue to communicate. I hope your appointment went well. Talk to you soon.

In Christ, ttocS

Hi ttoc,
I can really relate, I mean almost exactly everything you said applys to my life as well.
I'm 34 years old and have been living with my parents again for about 8 months now. I am also a christian. I also have been on my own (off and on) for 10 years or so. I have expeirenced and am expeirecing the same feelings of worrying about my folks getting older. The fear of being alone when they are gone. What It comes down to for me, is that losing my folks, or taking a chance on a good christian relationship threatens my security. Here is a paragraph in my 12 by 12 step book.

"Nor is the quest for security always expressed in terms of money. How frequently we see a frightened human being determined to depend completely upon a stronger person for guidance and protection. This weak one, failing to meet life's responsibilities with his own resources, never grows up. Disillusionment and helplessness are his lot. In time all his protectors either flee or die, and he is once more left alone and afraid."

That paragraph hit me hard as I could identify immensly with it. I have to go now, late for my counsilor appointment. Wow do we have alot in common. I beleive this program is a great start in overcoming fears, One thing I'm doing that is helping is using some thought conditioners from the bible, for my positive thought replacers. A good one for fear is
"God has not given me a spirit of fear, BUT of POWER, LOVE, and a Sound Mind." i've been saying this every day, sometimes 40 or 50 times a day. And I'm going to keep saying it till it sinks to the subconsious and becomes my new reality. I do have to go. look forward to logging with you though. please do answer back, would love to chat with you somemore.