Social Phobia?? ---- I am constantly concerned about being around people and being embarrassed. Embarrassed meaning, not having people laugh at me or doing something normally embarrassing, but just being asked a question by anybody whether there are three people or fifty people. If I initiate conversation and offer information then I’m totally fine. If others ask me of it I turn red instantly. It’s the part of me that always needs to be in control. If I’m the one in charge and everyone’s looking to me for guidance then I’m fine and can step up and delegate, mediate, and lead. The second that role is switched around and I’m looking to someone else to lead I feel anxiety. I used to have a job presenting and sitting in tons of boardroom meetings. Presenting…of course I was anxious but felt in control so I could get through it. Meetings…I’d turn red instantly and always still be anxious. And that’s my fear…fear creating loads of anticipatory anxiety. I fear that I’ll respond with a beat red face to the most basic “Tell me about this…” questions. Is there anybody who has this happen too?? I know lots of people can relate with the audios when Lucinda and the group discuss stuff like driving, flying, grocery shopping, etc. I relate too in terms of my fear of blushing in those situations...it’s not that others look at me it’s that I turn red when they do…and I never used to be like this. I never used to want the spotlight but when I had it I never cared…now, it devastates me and causes me to hesitate in doing things like grocery shopping because I’m nervous that while I’m standing in line something will trigger me to become overwhelmed and turn beat red…and then of course feel embarrassed!!! This is so defeating because I love being around people and I'm a very social person. I know if you’re not afraid of having episodes then they’re not supposed to come back…I'm working on that part of it...the problem is, I'm in Session 2 and it still freaks me out. Although I've felt large emotional strides using the program's six steps to calm myself down I was wondering if anybody else relates to being embarrassed because of blushing??

Jen

Hi Rockalise,

So sorry for the late response...I'm sitting here beaming with pride for you!!! That's a huge step and to get such wonderful feedback is very reassuring that you can face the fear and do very very well. Thanks for updating me on how your speech went and keep me posted about the next few you have -- it's so encouraging to me as I think out on the seminars I have planned ahead.

I was in Phoenix this week and found myself in a few minor challenges. The good news is that the second I'd feel myself going red during a conversation (or anything else) my mind went instantly to Lucinda's relaxation session and I would begin focusing on my inhaling-2 and exhaling-4 and suddenly before I knew it I had moved on in the conversation and was enjoying my time. It's funny how that little conversation can feel like such a major accomlishment. Little steps for me this week that gave me a bit more confidence that this will get better.

Thanks so much for your post...look forward to hearing from you!

Jen

Hi Jenjo....well an update...i had my first speech in my public speaking class last Thursday. And yes, my cheeks were burning by the time i was done! I thought I had done terrible. But then I got feedback from my instructor and he said i did a really good job! Got 24 out of 25 points and he told me i was poised and spoke with confidence. WOW!!!! I was amazed. But my cheeks were really warm and felt very hot for quite a while after that. So i was uncomfortable thinking everyone was noticing just how red i got. Oh well.....it's over...till the next speech! lol. I hope you are doing well. And yes, trying to get a sunburn to avoid people noticing, i can totally understand & relate you wanting to go that far. Sounds like something i would of thought to do also. The day my teacher announced that our speech was due that next week, i thought about it constantly...how am i going to get thru this. But in the end, I just "felt the fear and did it anyway". I had no choice. I have 3 more to go before the class is over. Whew, what a day to celebrate! Well have a great day! I've got to go work on my lesson 2 workbook. We'll get there!

Hi Rockalise, It's so encouraging to hear that you experience that and have been able to just let them pass. I'm definitely not there yet but I want it so bad that all my focus right now is just that. I'm in Session 3 and have felt a lot better since I began. I still feel the fear lurking all around me when I'm out but I'm confident that one day I'll be able to put all these skills I'm learning through the program together and begin moving on.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. There's nobody in my life that I see it ever happen to so it makes me feel all alone. I'm fair skinned too...you feel like a tomato! A little story of how desperate I've felt before. My husband and I went camping two summers ago and I was determined to get sun-burned because I knew I had our quarterly meetings...where everyone (lots) sit around a huge boardroom table to present...and I felt that if I could get sun-burned enough then it wouldn't look like I was blushing. lol...now that I've actually read it I feel crazy for the lengths I would go to just to avoid the possibility of it happening. Good news -- I can laugh about it!

Thanks for your support and words of encouragement!!

Jen

jenjo - i have dealt with the same problem many times. It's when someone notices me or says something to me unexpected. It can even happen in a grocery store if someone comes up that knows me and says hi. But, like you, if I see them first, i'm a lot better, as it doesn't take me by surprise. I also am fair skinned so when i do blush, boy do i blush! And my mom never helped, she'd always draw more attention to it, and tell everyone while laughing, look how red she gets!". I just wanted to crawl under a rock! I have realized, it's just part of who I am, and being a nursing student and watching others who have to get up and give presentations or have a focus on them, i realize I'm not alone. Knowing your not alone in this problem really helps me. I just try to shake off any incidents that now happen and say to myself "hey it happens"! It's just a part of life. I do admit though, i would only be too happy if i could be one of those persons who it didn't happen to. I have always wondered if it's tied to my self esteem as I know I have not had a positive self esteem for quite some time (but now with this program, i'm ready to change all that!). Just think positive, stick with the program and i think it will become less and less of a problem for you. I've only done session one and I feel like a weight has been lifted, knowing i have support. Hang in there, things will become better.

SRC -- Thank you for your words of encouragement,

I now realize I'm reached by my environment, but to the point that I am constantly so aware of my surroundings...who's around, what they're feeling, are they watching or in approval of me??? and so on. I've never thought of it as any bit of a blessing because I feel that every time I blush, and I mean like a tomato, that others are instantly judging me..."ooh, she must have really low self-esteem...why is she always embarrassed...I can't say anything to her anymore!!" But you're right. If I start acknowledging it as more positive it wouldn't happen as much. It's just so unbearable to me when it happens...I truly believe I self-sabbotage every situation. I can literally talk myself into a bad blush.

Your words are very encouraging!! I've never looked at it that way before...Thank you, and hopefully through this program we can begin to not think about controlling so much!

Jen

Mark (in SD),

Thanks for challenging me to Toastmasters...I needed that. I hope to be in a place where later in the program I can join and challenge myself...and not totally freak out. It's encouraging to hear how it's helped you.

One of my goals now?? Hopefully!!!!

Jen

Hey Jenjo, I admire your ability to blush. I would love experience the fluster of a blustering blush again. I think I am beyond blushing myself. But I believe a blush acknowledges many things; It means you are being reached by your enviornment, that you perceive whatever stimulated the blush and that unconcious reaction is underlaying with a kind of innocence and vulnerability. I, personally hope this program allows me to give up the pretense of CONTROL, I can't even control my own body sometimes, but nothing as flattering as a blush! Maybe you could re-frame it into a mixed blessing, then you might not feel you needed to CONTROL it. Just a thought from across the table, src

Hey Jenjo/Beckman;

You sure do sound a lot like me, Beckman! I, too, am in constant need of approval from others. I was doing great until a couple of years ago when my bosses took a bunch of work away from me without explanation. I was devestated! My negative self-talk told me that I had lost their approval. It was such a big blow. In reality, they felt I was being overworked and were trying to help out -- but they never bothered to tell me that until months later when I brought it up during my review. Even though I now know the real story and this happened a couple of years ago, I still feel like I'll never recover that lost self-confidence I fashioned in my own mind.

Which brings me to your comments Jenjo. I've found Toastmasters to be a huge self-confidence builder. Everyone is so supportive. For me it's been so much more than just giving presentations. It's given me the opportunity to try my hand at leadership, to learn how to evaluate others in a positive way, to speak up, to write plays, to practice giving toasts, to plan big events, and to be a positive force in helping others to improve themselves. I can't say enough about it! I hope I don't sound like a salesperson. It's just been such a positive force in my life that I can't help but want to encourage others to give it a try. I hope you do give it another try.

M

Thanks for your response Beckman -- It's amazing how I can't break out of that either. I need to be reinforced that what I've done was good and let others build my self-confidence. The confidence I know I have, or --wait-- used to have, feels paralyzed when I'm in intimidating situations...hmmm, lack of confidence then! Really tough to admit, being a perfectionist I'm very particular and hate the thought of not being able to carry myself and be okay with me regardless of others...way too much focus on what others think of me!!

Thanks for sharing your story...I know what you're feeling!!

Jen

I can relate farely well also jenjo. I once was in an occupation that I took to like nothing ever before. Within 1 year i had surpassed everyone in promotions and responsibilites. I had no problem taking the helm and leading my crew. And they all worked under my lead gladly. I had earned all their respect and they harbored no ill feelings about me running the show. I have never before had that expierence and never after that time. I felt confidence, humbleness, and worthiness that I have never imagined possible. I left the job for a year or so and then went back to it. The bosses remembered me and put me at the helm again. And i was still extremely compitent with my work. But i fell to peices. A break down so to speak within 8 months. Because I didnt have the support of the people i was working with(it was almost a whole new crew). The lesson for me in that was, I realize that without a 100% approval of all my coworkers and bosses i was devasted. I am dependent upon approval from others constantly. No real self esteem or worthiness was in me. It was only because i was doing well and everyone respected and liked it. As soon as I ran into conflict, i crumbled, and withered something feirce. The harder i would try to get approval the more respect i lost from others, and the more fear grew. the cycled continued till i had to leave. Anyway, I hope now with the help of this program I can stat to build true self worht and confindence, that belongs to me and not controlled by anyone but me. God bless and prayers for you daily.

Hi Mark...
Thanks for responding. It’s nice knowing you’re not totally alone, when daily you feel like you are. I’ve actually thought about Toastmasters, but quickly wrote it off…mostly because I was always in those scenarios anyways. Questions and presentations was a part of daily life so I thought ‘why pay and put myself through more of it if I’m doing similar things to it right now.’ Not sure, I’ll consider it again…maybe once I’m through more of the program and I reach that point of “challenging myself.” Until then, the idea freaks me out. It’s great hearing that it’s helped you so much and I admire the fact that you could step out and challenge yourself with it – it’s very encouraging!!!

Much appreciated,

Jen

Hi Jen;

I can relaet somewhat. I've always had a fear of speaking up; whether in large groups or small groups. And, yes, I have found myself blushing when someone's asked me a question. I stutter and stammer and can't think of how to respond. The funny thing is that I'm colorblind so I can't tell that I've turned red -- but I can feel the anxiety coursing through my body and people have told me I turned red.

The good news is that I've overcome much of this -- certainly not all of it -- through Toastmasters where I get the opportunity to practice answering questions each week. The longer I've been in Toastmasters the more relaxed I've become. Toastmasters has helped me lots of other ways, too.

Anyway, I do know how you feel. You're not alone.

Mark