Ok this is the first journal post of many to come...I have decided to share my journaling with you as a way to let you see how similiar we are.
First I will tell you about myself, then i will let the journaling begin....
Im am a 26 yr old female from Missouri. I have a loving but quiet boyfriend whoi have known and lived by for 21 years. we grew up together. Together we have a beautiful 2 year old adughter. She looks just like me, its pathetic. i look at her and it reminds me of happy childhood memories. Ive had anxiety my whole life when i actually look back, but the panic attacks started when i was 14. just came outof the blue. it scared the poop out of me andi didnt telll anyone. i thought for sure i was dying. well it got worse obviously. my parents had divorced, my mom was getting engaged to a guy who was awful, and we had to move outo f my homei grew up in. that was tramatic...theni started high school which was miserable. i felt alone. i began making friends slowly. stillhad chronic and constant anxiety, but i had a great group of friends who really helped me through. they never even acted like they noticedit. thenwhen i started my junior year, i remember thinkingone day..."wow ihavent had anxietyfor awhile". it was weird. but i wasnt going to complain. surei still had episodesof anxiety. then about 4 months ago my anxiety came back. it was tolerable at first. but i was so dead set on makingit go away quickly...hahah didnt work. i began talking to people aboutit and trying to get advice. then it started to get better. then for some reasonm or another it kinda snuck up onme again. i decided to read lucindas book panic to poweer.. wow, talkabout good....i then started to instantly feel better for a couple weeks. it was so inspirational. then for some reason or another it got worse again...so i decided to order the program...since ordering the program i have gotten much worse...why? Anyway, i decided to go ahead and see my doc who prescribed me paxil...took me 2 weeks and a really bad night to decide to finally take it....things started looking up again from there. i actually started to feel better by the next day. i worked my way thru so much. thats when i joined this group..which has been a life saver. I had a great weekend. even though i was anxious, i played with my daughter, went xmas shopping...made dinner...enjoyed time with my boyfriend...it was great. I actually slept great sunday night. But when i woke up i wasnt particularly anxious and that started to make me anxious becasue i anticipated being anxious..how stupid is that? lol well mOnday came and i went to work, had great day until1 pm...had a panic attack...i calme dmyself thru it and was ok, then they kept coming and it scared me so i left work an hour early. i felt like a failure all night. Once the adrenaline hits me, it lasts for a couple days. I feel so sick. Cant eat or sleep...extremely nausea. so by tuesday i couldnt handleit again and i left once more. called the doc and they got me klonopin. mademe feel drunk but it calmed my nerves. yesterday was my day off and although i felt extremly tired, i managed to get up and play with my daughter, eat breakfast with her andhave a great morning before taking her to school...usually i wake up early and take her asap, so i think thats an improvement. but i went ahead and took half a klonopin yesterday which made me tired, not drunk. just cant seem to muster the energy to do anything. itslikeive slipped into a depression again...can all that happen in one day? its scaring me becasue i want to enjoy life. today i feel better. i woke up dizzy, probably becasue i was tired and just jumped out of bed. it scared me and i started shaking and having a racingpulse. i made myself si down and eat a couple bitesof a candy bar for the sugar, drank a glass of water then i took the klonopin. starting to feel better. i ate a bowl of oatmeal.. i just feel like my nerves are so shot that i wil never be normal again. i am so tired anddont feel liek doing anyting but sleep ehichis not the answer. i feel sick alot to my stomach whenevr i eat. i know its mental but i cant seem to get out of this. Whats so wrong with me? I fee llike i shouldnthave even started taking ny meds. like im doing this to myself for some reason. i dont like feelingthis way i really dont but i dont feel like i have having desire to even be intimate with my boyfriend. im just sooo tired and depressed....
well thats my journal for today. i would really like peole to respond so that maybe they could give me sometips on turning it into positive tomake me feel better...
thaks and love you all,
Crystal

Hello!! Thank you for sharing your story.
Your describing of how it is to feel anxiety and depressed are just the same way I felt. If I just can calm down myself and not let the anxiety get overhelmed and for a little while think about something else then how I feel, the life would be much easier. I'm not so good to express feelings in english because I'm from Sweden and it's a bit difficult to find the right words. I'll wish we soon feel better because we are worth it. Love from Moa!!

Try to exercise walks help me alot. It tends to make me feel better more positive. Then after listen to the relaxation tape, and try to slow down the rest of the day. I hate the meds but sometimes it helps to take them to get thru rough times. Just remeber they are not the cure. Take your time with the program it will help you, but sometmes it takes a while. barryt.

Hi! Thank you for sharing what you are going through! You are not alone in what you are feeling. I know the decision to take medication is difficult, but it can help, and there is no shame in taking a brave step in helping yourself live a better life. However, it's important to realize that it takes a long time for medication, or any therapy for that matter, to start making a difference. I was on Paxil for a number of year and it did help, but you have to be patient. It takes several weeks for it to start to take affect, so keep heart! It's also very important not to skip doses and also to take the dose that your doctor recommends. Keep up the good work with the program! I'm also working through the 3rd week of the program. I've found Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life" particularly inspiring for working on positive, healing self-talk. My thoughts and prayers are with you. We can all do this! Love to you all!

I agree with Majp that meds take a time to work, maybe you should have given Paxil more time to work. I have taken wellbutrin for several years, but then I got stressed and my meds specialist added another med. It has come to my realization that the meds are a part of the solution but I realized I'm not a lab rat, I have the power to change myself. I come from a long line of negative thinkers, and of course I didn't think I was one. Normal family conversations were complaining and criticizing others and overall negativity. The program especially week 3 have made me realize what a negative thinker I was and how much of an overreactor I am. I am not saying to not use meds , just give them a shot. Can I tell you about my week? Monday I started with the thoughts about how unfairly we were treated with the judging at last weeks dog trial. I was blaming my trainer and ready to take it out on him,(he did nothing wrong). Then i remembered this weeks lesson and successfully applied that to my thinking. I was upset at not winning because I am always trying to impress someone else. By not winning I was worried about what Others would say and think. I realized if the dog won I would be happy, if they lost I would be unhappy. When I wrote that I had a "voila" moment, boy is that a stupid and tortured way to live. I decided to rethink my weekend. The weather was nice most of the time. I bought a beautiful new big black horse (very exciting). the dogs ran great and I was very proud of them. The judges missed seeing a major mistake when I ran my dog. My dog did a great job for me and I did happen to get a lot of compliments on her. Lesson 3 has been a great help. I also went on a very stressful trip to NYC. I was going to a meeting in NYC with a friend. She was driving to the train station. She didn't realized that there was no way to park overnight at the train station. (I started to get angry inside) we had to find another train station with overnight parking. when I tried to give her directions she did not want to listen. I kept my mouth shut , normally I might have yelled at her. We got to the city and she said we would stay at an unfurnished loft her family owned. I got on my computer and tried to pay for a hotel room with my AMEX points. They said I could. I made a hotel reservation. the points never got transferred in time so I ended up with a $400 hotel bill and the points were permanently removed from my AMEX account. It could have ruined my trip, but it didn't. We had a nice room and were in a fun area of the city and met a lot of nice people. I used all I had learned from session 1,2,3. I behaved a million percent better than I would have before. I decided to use up my AMEX points and cancel the card. I don't feel like arguing with them anymore. I realized my Mastercard can do what they do. I don't mean this to be a commercial. If I sit back and observe my actions, I am proud of how well I did but I can act in a more positive manner in the future.
What's my point? Say nice things to yourself. You left 1 hour before the end of the work day. You stayed most of the work day. That was an accomplishment. You are so lucky you have a beautiful baby that looks like you. When my sister was dying I felt guilty if I was not depressed and worrying. I know she would not have wanted that. I was in such a bad habit of constant worry and anxiety that I felt really guilty about being happy. Please start saying some nice things to yourself and count your blessings. Its great you had the courage to start this program and ask for help.

Hello! My name is Tania I am 27 and I am from California. Thank you for sharing you story. I find so many similarities in your condition and mine. I too am on Paxil. I actually was on it for a year and a half. It got me through a tough time and really helped me. When I wanted to get off of it I bought this program. I successfully got off the medication but I stopped the program after session 4. My anxiety came back now that my husband and I are loosing our condo. SO I am back on Paxil and I started the program all over. This time I am going to give it 100% because I believe in it. Today i went out and bought that little notebook to write down all of my negative thoughts. I truly believe that I am the reason for my anxiety. I am the one who thinks and thinks and thinks about everything bad that has happened or could happen. It starts the minute I wake up. I have really been working on the positive self talk and using the relaxation cd three times a day. Although the positive self talk is very difficult for me. I feel so silly praising myself. One thing that has really helped me is keeping busy. I do whatever I can to just keep myself from thinking. I remember when my anxiety first showed up how i didn't want to go anywhere, see anyone, talk to anyone. I was so afraid. That's when I new I had to get help. So I went on the meds and it gave me the confidence i needed to get out again. Even though it was very very hard. I don't ever want to experience that again which is why I push myself to do things. And strangely enough I always feel better after doing the smallest of things. I really hope my experiences have helped you in some way. If nothing else just knowing that there is someone else who is going through exactly what you are going through. And don't feel bad about the difficulty of intimacy. I too have trouble with that. But I know it is the anxiety that is trying to hold me back. And once I recover things will go back to normal. Please feel free to contact me and keep me posted on you progress. We'll get through this together.