During my depression, I became VERY distant form my family. I would spend days on end in my room, in my bed, alone. I became detached form my husband and kids. My children were 5,7,and 10 at the time that I was suffering through the worst period of my ordeal.
After a long road, I'm starting to feel better and I'm getting back to this new "normal". But I realize now that my now 11 year old has suffered and she's pretty angry with me.
I told her to clean her room yesterday before she could go outside. She told me that she had finished. I checked her room and it was still a mess. I took her to the room and showed her what I wanted done. She got so angry that she raised her hand to hit me. I proceeded to spank her. After I was through, she dialed 911. The police came to my house and filled out a report. I was so hurt about this that I haven't spoken to her since.
I love my kids, in fact, part of the reason I was able to pull myself out of this sadness and hopelessness was because I wanted to be there for my kids. They gave me the reason to fight back. Especially my daughter.
I said all of that to say that I realize that I'm terribly disconnected from my kids. I still feel a slight awkwardness when talking to them. I don't really play with them. I talk to them, I hug and kiss them daily. I tell them that I love them and that I'm proud of them daily. I try to make it a point to praise their accomplishments. But I'm also the diciplinarian. My husband is very passive when it comes to diciplining the children. So that job is mostly mine. How can I dicipline and teach them right from wrong and have fun with them too?

luvintee,

I am so sorry you had to go through that. I cannot even imagine what you are going through.

Although I am NOT defending your children, I am only trying to find reason in a child's mind. They may have felt Mom disconnected from them and life. Dad was left to do whatever he did, and sounds like that did not include responsibility and discipline in the children's daily rountines. Now, Mom is feeling better and taking control back, the kids will not be receptive of that now, at least not immediately.

The kids may have some resentment that you were not there for them when they may have needed you. Now understand, that is NOT your fault. You did not have any control, no one did. You were depressed and needed some time to heal. Children may not see ot understand that, they are children. Children see themselves are being taken care of by there parent(s) and when that does not happen, they feel let down, confused..they just do not understand. The list of their problems are what game to play after school, what to wear to school, not real life serious, issues that effect the entire family.

Sounds like your husband and you really need to talk and get on the same page. One parent cannot be pitted against the other, you both cannot have different rules, or dad be laxadaisy ... it just does not work.

Maybe plan to do something "special" with each child, like movie night with one, let them chose an age appropriate movie and make it a date night. Your daughter, make a date for a shopping night or go and get you hair cut together, nails done, go out to dinner. Re-form your relationship with your children, show them that each are special and it will show you care...even a walk in the park, picinc, zoo, museum, baking, coloring. Whatever you do, does not need to be expensive, just as long as you spend one on one quality time with each...then maybe to a family thing, EVERYONE at least once every week or two. The kids need to see that mom really is ok and that she is here to stay and be a part of their lives. I have found with my nephews that IF we gave them attention, talked, listened and spent time with them, they were overall WONDERFUL children that do not act up or out, they are very respectful, listened to us and were fun to have around. We used to play legos, take the kids on e special shopping trip, they got to pick out school clothes and supplies(their parents do not have the money to buy them new clothes or school supplies)I remember, the boys did not have decent winter coats, their coats were tattered, ripped, stained, so we took the boys shopping for winter gear...coats, boots, hats, gloves, scarfs. Those boys were so happy, they felt so very special and were very, very thankful that we even spent the time to take them, think of them and buy the things they really needed. Sure, hubby and I ended up forgoing lattes, dinners out or things for us, but it was ALL worth it. Those boys, now young men are SO very kind and respectful to us, more so than there own parents that constantly yell at the boys. They never spent time, took the time out of their busy schedules to spend with the boys. Even taking the boys fishing, they were SO happy and said Dad never takes us fishing! Just a little time, listening and the kids have a great deal of respect for us. You will get back there, be patient and remember this too will be baby steps. Your kids still LOVE their mom, they may be confused. Talk to them , age appropriatley. Warm wishes, LizB

I am so sorry that you had to go thru that. At that age, especially girls, they need so much attention whether it is positive or negative. Although, I was spanked as a kid and it worked,
but now, things have changed and it is considered bad and it isn't as affective.
You should make a date night with each kid, maybe a movie or pizza night and show them, you are not the bad guy. Just keep reinforcing your love and support for them. Talk with your daughter about WHY she did that. Stay positive and stay firm, it will all come into place, it takes time to people to adapt to change.

Thank you both! I was overlooking the obvious. Before I was ill, we did do something like that. We would go out to dinner and I would buy her a little treat. But after I started to withdraw from life I wan't able to take her to those places.
Also because my sister is now suffering from depression and has been hospitalized, I have her daughter. She is 13 and this situation is new in our house. My niece came to stay with us last week and I've been involved in enrolling her into school and getting her all of the services that she needs. I think that may have something to do with it as well.
I tried to prepare my family for the change but I guess it wasn't enough.
My daughter did apologize last night for her actions. I apologized as well. I try not to hit my kids at all. I do yell sometimes though.
I think that we are giong to be alright. We will move on and I will try to reassure her that no matter what, I will be there for her.