Hi all i'm going through a divorce right now partly because of mt depression, well a lot because of. How ever i'm not all at fault here my soon to be ex was cheating on me. I still love her but she wont try to fix tings and i can't live with another person in my marriage. I tried everything encluding trying to ckech out of this world 4 times been in the hospital twice and i still can't seem to get past her. As i said i still love her but i know that it is over and there will never be her and me again. How ever we have 4 wonderful children that are cought in the middle of all this and i want to be strong for them and try ro show them that there mom is not all bad. I don't talk dab about her around them and i even try not to talk dab about her MOST of the time. But i can't see her or talk to her without getting more depressed or have anx way over my head. I need to be calm around her for we have the kids to still raise for they are 4 yrs-12 yrs old. Anybody have any thoughts. I at my last straw so to speak and i don't want to go down the road i tried before, It's not a pretty one. My kids are what got me out of the hospital both times and i want to be around for them. I also need to be able to help them when they need my help. They are the only thing that keeps me going. Any input would be helpful. Thanks so much. Big hugs to all.

hang on to the thought that your kids need you!
Been through 2 divorces - third marriage is the best. We've been married 18+ years now. He married me and four kids two sets of outlaws and the rest of my whole crazy family. We made it through the teens lay-offs and losing parents. THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU TOO!
a) you are letting yourself seek help.
b) you know the kids need you - stick around for them.
c) you are not alone.
d) never diss the ex when the kids can hear you.
e) pray - yes God is for real - and He told us to bring our problems to Him, and let Him handle those problems that we cannot.

It's natural for emotions to tug at us this way when we are losing someone we love very much. This person means the world to us and we are losing them. My situation was a lot different than yours, but at times I feared I had lost the love of my son, which I did to some degree, but not totally. I had given myself to his well being beyond what most Dad's do, I think, because I didn't want him to have to go through the emotional pain I did. In this process I became dependent on his love for me to feel okay about myself. When I thought I had lost it I thought my world was coming to an end.

Journaling my negative thoughts and fears was step one for me. What I realized in the process was that my self esteem and self worth were tied to what my son thought of me and how much he loved me. The journaling helped me see this. I knew this was unhealthy dependency. If I wanted to be okay for him and myself I had to break this dependency. I worked at accepting the fact he may not love me anymore, but that didn't mean my life was over. I am a seperate individual capable of living my life in peace and contentment whether he chose to love me or not and I would confront the negative thinking with truth like this each time the thoughts came up by journaling and writing down the negative, but then replacing it with the truth. I also worked at forgiving myself for failing him and forgiving him for not loving me anymore. Over time my emotions healed.

The skills all came from the program,, but some knowledge about dependency had come from another book. Hopefully as you work the program, journal your thoughts, and seek to find distortions in your thinking you will find that you are telling yourself lies (such as I can't live without her). When you believe these are lies, then you can find new thoughts to replace the old ones and that should help a lot. It will take time, but you will come out stronger and feel a lot better.

As hard as it is to accept sometimes, it's not what happends to us which causes us emotional problems, but how we perceive what happens to us. It is our thinking, the perception of the event, not the actual event. We have to think about the event which has taken place in order for it to hurt us. Thinking creates emotions. When we learn to change what we are thinking we begin to heal.

I understand the hurt. I hope this gives some comfort in knowing you don't have to suffer forever. Wishing you much success with the program, delmar. Counseling also might be something to consider, someone to help you work through this if it gets too hard.

Delmar, three years ago I went through a very hostile divorce. I devorced him. I still care about him but no longer love him.He had many women, was addicted to porno and is an alcoholic.I too have four children. My children are adults now. We have a disabled son who lives with me. He lost his parental rights. I still try and make some kind of relationship for our son. Children will always love both parents. I never bad mouth his father. my son cares about him and that is something I have to deal with. If there were no children involved it is easier to move on.I have tried to keep a positive relationship with him for my son's sake. He blames me for the divorce because I filed the papers. I had no choice. It made me very depressed to do this. If we did not have a diabled son I probably would have stayed. My son could not survive in this very dysfunctional situation. In our long marriage I never cheated on him. I worked hard and basically raised the children alone. Did I deserve this? no. I realize life is not always fair. My love for him died some time ago but I will always care about him Having children together puts a life long bond between two people. I wish he would finally step to the plate for our son's sake. This is an unrealistic expectation. Our son needs surgery and I have been contacting him to be there for Bob. It would mean so much to him. His anger will not let it happen and it started to drag me down again. Time does help. Be there for your children They will always love you and you want to be a good father. I still hope there is a partner out there who will love us and give me what I never had. I was used all my life with him and need to get out of the "victim" role. I always wanted to grow old with this man. I believed I could make a difference. Today I face reality . I am working on my depression and hope for a good future for us.
If you need to talk I would be glad to correspond with you. God Bless,Natalie

Thanks all it is so nice to have so many sides of the coin with each new side is so much wisdom. I see i have lots of work to do and more time must need to pass. Natalie41 i would like to correspond with you. My email is delmarllc@gmail.net i also use google talk for im's but i can set up any of the more comen ones as well. Thanks again all.

delmar,
i went through a divorce like yours a few years ago..and it does take a toll on you if you let it. what you need to do is get on with your life like i did mine. you need that in order to get rid of all the anxiety and panic.after i got the divorce and moved away.i felt so much better...we had children but they are grown but they knew she ran around as well. she had done that for many years. i was married for over 30 yrs. tried to hang in there. it was no use..
you can do it if you want to..love can be replaced with like or a friend...change your way of thinking. i know you kids love you and they will see that as they grow older. if you have any questions feel free to write and i will help you..
you are to good a person to just quit. you have come to far to turn bak..hang in there and tell yourself you are somebody going somewhere with your life..she did so why can't you. she was the one that was cheating not you. so do not take the blame for something she did..thanks
doninva23605@yahoo.com

Hey thanks D, what you said makes a hole lot of sence. I just have to quit beatting myself up for this so i can go on like you said.

I know what you mean. the only reason I'm fighting so hard to beat this anxiety is for little boy.

Delmar,
It sounds like your are getting yourself back on track with all of this. I'm sorry for your pain. Life has a way of working out for the best. I know you can't imagine this is for the best, but it is if your wife is cheating on you and will not stop you should of left.

Pray for guidance and help God will see you through this horrible time.

I hope also you are going to a therapist for help dealing with all of these factors.

All my best to you, and I will be praying for you.

I just wanted to write and say thanks to all of you who have posted and who have offered your support and help. I have just turned the corner and it feels great. I will still have an ex and i'll always have a past of depression partly due to this part of life. With that being said i have decieded that i'm tired of living that way so i turned up the volume of life and now i'm rocking on of corse it's to my own beat but i will no longer be a slave to this a let my ex/ past control my life agian. Somedat there might be someone new for me but until that time life is to awesome to just sit and watch it go past. So jump in and have fun with it all cuz life is always full of up's and downs. Peace and calm and the will to rock on to all of you. Del

Nice attitude delmar. Just keep you head up. Just remember *one door closes a better one opens* I hope life goes well from now on. God Bless