Hi there fellow parents~ I just wanted to get some advice on how to be more assertive with your children. How do I get them to listen to me? I know that I'm NOT assertive enough with them. I have two boys who are 5 and 3 and they are really starting to have control over me. I usually give in and give them their way because I don't want the conflict and I DO want to please them. I love them so much that it even hurts me to see them disappointed or unhappy. But, this has turned against me. In the supermarket they run around or at the park, they throw fits, and they just don't listen when I tell them to stop or tell them it's time to go. I'm very soft with them because I'm too worried to be stern with them in public because I constantly worry what others will think. I want to be the perfect loving mother but I know that no one is perfect. Do I have too high of standards for myself? What can I do before having to call SuperNanny? I'm open for suggestions. I don't like spanking, besides they would just laugh at me cuz I would never spank them very hard, and time outs I've tried but starting them now is hard. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

In the Attacking Anxiety workbook at the top of Lesson 3 you'll find a quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ph.D.
"You'll see it - When you believe it."
You have to KNOW that you are the parent and it is your task to keep them safe, healthy and strong. When you KNOW IT so will they.

Funny you should mention the supernanny! I love her methods of discipline...no yelling. My stepdaughter was brought up with the understanding that in order to get respect, one must give respect. We never talked down to her, we gave her clear explainations why something "was", (age appropriate of course) We always go down to her eye level, spoke calmly. We gave her clear outline of what is expected and what was acceptable. Running around in the restuarant was NOT acceptable, throwing a tantrum in the store for a toy also was NOT acceptable, and if that happened, we would just go home...no excuses and We would not go out to dinner, I (we) would not take her to the store, my husband or I would go alone. The first thing I learned was that I could not be her best friend, there was no respect in that, she would view us on her level, like her school peers. We would listen to her no matter what she said, we allowed her to get her feelings out, without NO yelling, screaming, slamming doors, pouting...none of it. Her mom also did a great job of raising her as well. We all are very fortunate.

I would recommend getting Jo's book...I did. We are working on adopting an older child, so I will need all the help I can get. Her book is AWESOME!!! Also, I have ssen this with my nephews...children like to spend time with their parents, quality time. They thrive on the attention. The boys always acted up for their parents and stated that we were nuts for wanting to take them for the weekend...she was wrong. ALl those kids wanted was quality one on one time, attention, someone to listen to them, talk to them and not yell, not ignore them. I am not implying anything, but I have notice with the boys and on the show that kids thrive when they are given "special" time.

My GF also employed a technique. Her 5 year old daughter started to act up in the grocery store. She told her to that her behavior was not appropriate and that if it continued, they would go home...her daughter called her bluff, my GF left her groceries in the cart, walked out, took her daughter home and went back to the grocery store. Her cart was still there, so she just continued. Her daughter now knows that mom means business and does not tempt fate anymore. I hope this helps.

schnauzermom~ thanks for your input. Yes, supernanny has some great techniques for discipline and I've been trying some of them out. My mother-in-law said the same thing about the store....if they start to act up, just leave the store. What I have to practice is sticking with the threats. If I tell them we will leave when they act up, then I have to follow through and do it. Then they will know I'm serious.
As for special time, I stay at home with them all day and we do lots of fun things together. But, I'm sure that can be just routine for them by now. So, should I set special time aside for each of them to get alone time with me? And you are right, I mustn't always try to be their best friend......even my husband tells me that. I can already tell that this program could really help me be more assertive...isn't there a whole chapter on it? I can already tell my attitude and assertiveness is getting better. I'm on week 4. Well, thanks for the input and I might just have to go look for the book. Do you remember the name of it? Thanks.
JEN

Jen,

Yes, children can view the normal day to day things as regular. What I did was tell my step daughter if she was good today, that tomorrow we would go to the "special" pirate park, just something that we did not do too often, like very other week, IF she was good. Cause really, if she cannot behave and act appropriatley in regular situations, she could not handle special places. So it was something she looked forward to as well as valued. I also employed a little "star" sheet for good behavior, like making her bed, bringing her laundry down, just little things...it taught her responsibility as well of consequences of not doing something.Enough stars earned her, within reason a real special thing, like the arcade, mini golf, small petting zoo. The special one on one time is so valued. My step-daughter is 19 now, and she recently told me it was the special times that we had, the one on one quiet time, the "special" outings like boating, staying at my sister's vaca trailer in the summer, coloring, making cookies..that time was really special to her as her mom never did that. So quality time is valued highly, even now as well according to her. It show the child that they are very important, special enough that mom and dad took time out, special time to do something special. The local library always had something on the weekend, reading time, presenters, we spent time there as well. There are free zoo's, we just packed a lunch. I also noticed that she functioned better on a schedule, one that she also had some say in. We would ask her what would she like to do, see or we would give her 2-3 choices, it gave her a feeling that she had a choice and a bit of control.

Yes special time for each child...give them a choice of a couple things, let them choose and go with it. It give you cotrol over the actual activities, but the child can ultimatley choose what they would like to do. Even if it is for an hour or two, the time means so much to them.

Yeah, that I WILL LEAVE THE STORE thing does work. The time outs do work, it is just frustating in the begining cause they do NOT want to sit in one place. Just keep with it, it can really work your nerves, but better to nip it in the bud now when they are young than struggle later as my aunt now is doing with my very bossy, tantrum ridden, controling 12 year old going on 30! The kid gave me her Christmas list...OMG! An ATV, IPOD Nano, laptop...she is already planning on a car too, a BMW! Good luck, her parents don't even have one! Nip it now, my aunt is miserable and is at her wits end!

Yes, the chapter on assertiveness will help, but you need to say what you mean and really mean what you say and stick with it. No wavering, no breaking down...it is what it is and that is it! Be firm, not afraid. Sure the kids may be angry cause they are not getting what they want at the moment, but Mom, YOU do know best.

I will get off my soapbox. Oh yeah, the book..."Supernanny" How to get the Best from Your Children, by Jo Frost. The publisher is Hyperion. You probably can get a copy through amazon.com, maybe even used...cheaper . You can do it. Be strong, you are the parent. Hope you enjoy the book. (your library may even have it) Warm wishes, LizB