I hope someone can offer me some ideas. I am divorced with two teenage sons. My oldest son has never been thrilled with the idea of living with me, since I threw my now-ex out in December of 2000. But, my ex was abusive, so the judge put my children with me. Now, my oldest son is 17, has a driver's license and a job. He's dealing with a lot of stress related to school, money, his job, friends and life in general. Lately, anytime something "big" happens that causes him to get upset, he tells me off, says horrible things and runs away. I really think some counseling would help, but when I took him to counseling in the past, he became suicidal. So, I'm not big on that idea. It seems that his biggest problem is trying to figure out to deal with his anger. I have told him that I want him to listen to Lucinda's cassette tape on "Stop Being Angry and Control Your Mood Swings". He said he would, but it's been three weeks and he hasn't done it yet. He's basically a good kid. He does well in school. He's just not happy. Any suggestions?

P.S. Grounding him doesn't work, either. Talking with his Dad to help is out of the question--he just thinks it's funny.

Hello,

Im not a parent but I had alot of misplaced anger as a teen too and my parents worried about me. But I can tell you that alot of times, teenage boys don't know how to deal with anger. I knew I was angry and didnt want to let go of it..and nobody in this world couldve gotten me help because I didnt want to let go of anger.

I can only offer some insight to what you son MIGHT be going through. Its natural for him to be angry like this, but of course him blowing up at you and running away isnt
accomplishing anything for the BOTH of you (i only say this because blow ups frequently happened in my family)


Have you tried asking him to calm down
and to talk about whats bothering him?....
he maybe not talking to you out of resentment.
But that is his problem not yours, he is your
son and i know you are concerned for him as a mother but he has to come to grips with whatever
is bothering him right now. Hope this helps, have a good one

Im sure he has alot of anger about his dad being gone. And sounds like he may have picked up a few of dads bad habits. If he watched him treat you like that for years then unfortunately he is acting out what he learned. It takes two to have a fight. When you see him getting riled up then calmly tell him you can continue the conversation tomorrow and leave the room. Go to the restroom, lock the door, and turn on the fan. Don't get into the argument with him. Don't allow ANYONE to treat you in an unhealthy way. By allowing him to treat you this way you are almost condoning his behaviour. Walk away and don't engage him. We have learned we cannot change another person, nor can we make them listen to self help tapes if they dont want to, but you do have a choice on how you are treated. He is old enough to know better and DO better. I have a twenty year old son who still lives at home so I know how it is to deal with a son. Whenever he has started in a disrespectful tone towards me, I calmly stop him and let him know that he istn going to talk to me like that. I am now dealing with my 15 year old daughter who gets snippity sometimes too. I've told my kids that I would rather they grow up and be a ditch digger who is kind, helpful, and decent than be a rich doctor or lawyer who is a jerk. Anywyas, knowing what to do is not always easy and Im sorry that your ex is no help. Thats unfortunate for the children but you can be a wonderful example to your kids and Im sure you already are. Even if you feel like the bad guy sometimes, they will appreciate it one day. Just let your son know you love him and care about him and you are there whenever he wants to talk.

Hugs, Reena

quote:

Originally posted by drg:
[qb]I hope someone can offer me some ideas. I am divorced with two teenage sons. My oldest son has never been thrilled with the idea of living with me, since I threw my now-ex out in December of 2000. But, my ex was abusive, so the judge put my children with me. Now, my oldest son is 17, has a driver's license and a job. He's dealing with a lot of stress related to school, money, his job, friends and life in general. Lately, anytime something "big" happens that causes him to get upset, he tells me off, says horrible things and runs away. I really think some counseling would help, but when I took him to counseling in the past, he became suicidal. So, I'm not big on that idea. It seems that his biggest problem is trying to figure out to deal with his anger. I have told him that I want him to listen to Lucinda's cassette tape on "Stop Being Angry and Control Your Mood Swings". He said he would, but it's been three weeks and he hasn't done it yet. He's basically a good kid. He does well in school. He's just not happy. Any suggestions?

P.S. Grounding him doesn't work, either. Talking with his Dad to help is out of the question--he just thinks it's funny. [/qb]

Drg,

I can actually feel what you are going through. The others who posted previous to my posts have given you some very good advice.

Usually when a divorce takes place children are always affected. Some psychologists are now saying that it can affect children well in the age of 40's.

A father who laughs or thinks that it is funny does not help either.

Personally, I would try to press him towards his Dad as much as possible. Your son, at this point, needs a heavy hand on him but it will also take a father that cares enough to do so.

Any chance of reconciliation?

NO WAY on the chance of reconciliation!!! After all those years of abuse, health problems, anxiety and unhappiness, there's no chance of going back. My life is so much better now.

My son is doing better. I've stood my ground as a parent, yet tried to be a sympathetic mom. I've helped him every way I can, without letting him "rule".