I'm am ready to pull out all of my hair! I can't seem to get through to my toddler. What do I do when he throuws a fit? It's the only time I have a trouble with anxiety anymore. I can literally feel my blood boiling. Any advice?

Hi, first time on here for me but felt I needed to reply. First, try to remember, you are the one with the power. You have control. Take a breath,,then quickly quiet and reassure yourself. His tantrum is not an indictment of you as a mom. It doesn't reflect on you. It is the only way he knows how to express outrage or unwillingness. Teach him now to use his words. Teach him by example to calm himself. Taking him immediately out of the situation can be a big help. Even if you are in the super market and you ahve a full basket! (also destresses you from any looks you might get from unsympathetic onlookers) Simply scoop him up and leave the area and then speak with him calmly. Reassure him witih loving words of understanding and explain what must happen. The more angry and upset you become, the more upset he will be. Show him how to handle these feelings. You are his role model. You can do this. You are his loving mother and you are responsible for teaching him how to use healthy coping skills. (as you are learning them for yourself) I remember very well that in my own children, if there was a tantrum it almost ALWAYS coincided with a snack or mealtime or a naptime. Ask yourself if his outbursts coincide with important routines in his schedule. I'll be willing to bet that his body needs something or he is tired or perhaps just Over-stimulated by the surroundings. Kids can get overloaded very quickly and lose their stability. Iwish you the best. You can do this. He is depending on you to show him the way. He needs to have your guidance so that he can feel safe in this world. Believe me, he knows that he has no power and therefore you need to help him by showing him he is safe and listened to and protected,,even from his own temper. You are the parent. You have control. Just guide him. I used a wonderful book that I found back then called Who's the Boss?..The 60 Second Scolding. I can;t remember the author but it was a huge help. You have to do it exactly the way it is taught in the book. Exactly. Good luck. let us know how you do. Phoebe

3 children later......let him have the tantrum! I know it sounds crazy, but it really works. The more attention you pat to it, the more often they will come. It is a coping mechanism for a child to throw a fit. It gives them control.....anxiety problem in the making. Good luck, just go about your business and let your child figure out a new way to deal with whatever is bugging him or her.

All of the suggestions are great!! Sometimes when my children had tantrums I would sing to them. My voice is sketchy and I can't carry a tune, but it seemed to help

I agree with all of these. I have had to leave a full cart at the store to take my little one home screaming. I ignore the tantrums at home and leave the room, when she follows I go to another room. I tried time-out, but found that it became a game because I had to hold her there, so instead I began to put myself into time-out. This really throws her because when Mommy is in tim-out you can not talk to her, or play with her, or sit with her. So she will ususally sit quietly at my feet and wait for "my" time-out to end...unbeknownst to her, she is the one getting a time-out, lol.

you guys have been so helpful and encouraging. thank you so much. i have noticed that his tantrums come on more often when he needs something...just like you said, Pheobe! so my husband has been trying to be more aware, you know?
i'm off to buy that book!
quick question though...you do get through it, and want more kids right? we have a 2 year old and a 6 month old, and we would like more. a part of me is saying, "you can't handle the two you have, why do you want more?" but then i realized today, after hearing session 3 that i'm just having negative thoughts. that those thoughts are untrue. so i just need a little more reasurance!
thank you, you guys are awesome!

Have to agree with Girlynae - let him have the tantrum. 4 children later for me, now all adults, one close enough.
I used to pick up the tantrum child, place him/her into his/her bedroom and say - "go for it, but I'm not going to stand around and listen to it"
Didn't take long for each of them to realize that the tantrum was getting them nowhere.
Children need boundaries and need to know that a temper tantrum is not going to stop the world around them and anger cannot be used as a control mechanism.
Take care and hugs to you.

I'm so glad this topic was posted! I have two yr old twins(boy/girl) and they are entering the tantrum stage. It has been very hard on my husband and I and being first time parents we aren't exactly sure how to handle things at times. I find the biggest thing that is difficult is when kids get clingy and won't let go of you. Any advcie? I feel so horrible just letting them scream and hold onto me. It breaks my heart, but i know it's something they need to learn-detachment at times. It's even more harder while dealing with anxiety issues. Thx for any advice.

I have twins too. (boys) They are nine now and doing very well.
The clingy thing is usually because they are TIRED. Unfortunately it can often coincide with when YOU are tired too! However, try letting them cling while you all have a nice lie down. Go to their room or to your bed and pull the shades. Make it conditional on them, being quiet. You can get this across by telling them you have to be calm and shushy and if they get too jabbery, say, we will have to put ou in your beds if you can;t be quiet. (then, if they can't stay quiet, follow through!) The worse thing you can do is teach them now that you dont mean what you say! You will pay dearly for that ,,like right away! Put on some soft music or environmental sounds tapes or something and get them all calmed down. Sometimes, by refusing to speak, they get the idea. When they are feleing better, say things like, oh, we feel soooo much better now dont we. See, quiet time helps us all feel better and ahppy. (this helps them learn coping strategies of their own for later!
If the clingy things is happening when you leave them at day-care or something.. I would have to advise that you go as quickly as possible. Do not stand around and prolong it at all. Just set them where they need to be and say confidently, "bye bye sweeties. See you soon!" and GO. You are not showing them a confident Mom if you stay and look all anguished. It will help in future if you talk to them on the way in the car and tell them what will haooen and that you know they will have a wonderful day and that YOu know the people there care for them. Tell them about what YOu know what You think. It has a Big influence on them. They learn to trust you.
Having said all that, when my little daughter started crying EVERY morning when I put her in the car, (and sometimes when I put her coat on!) I wondered what was up. I spent some time with the day care provider and talked with her about the day Lily spent and found out she was punishing the kids! They were 18 months old! She was scolding and putting them in another room alone for "time outs". That was the end of her! We changed day care immediately and Lily was fine after that. So,, I hope this helps and that you are able to figure out the best way to help your twins become more confident and to learn to trust you. Work the program. Build your confidence in yourselves too and the children will sense it. The program works! Encpouraging you, Phoebe

quote:

Originally posted by JHx4:
you guys have been so helpful and encouraging. thank you so much. i have noticed that his tantrums come on more often when he needs something...just like you said, Pheobe! so my husband has been trying to be more aware, you know?
i'm off to buy that book!
quick question though...you do get through it, and want more kids right? we have a 2 year old and a 6 month old, and we would like more. a part of me is saying, "you can't handle the two you have, why do you want more?" but then i realized today, after hearing session 3 that i'm just having negative thoughts. that those thoughts are untrue. so i just need a little more reasurance!
thank you, you guys are awesome!

Take your time. Let everybody get used ot each other and settle in as a bigger family. Learn your way around your developing children a bit more before you add to the clan. As they get older, they need very different things from you both...give yourself a chance to get in the groove. You'll be fine. Just focus on what you have right in front of you for now.
The program will help you in all this. Follow the action steps. The behavior changing techniques really do work! All the best, Phoebe

I have the tantru champ! He is not quite two and can throw a fit that will beat all. But it is the only way now that he knows how to express himself. It can be hard because he doesn't always have words to use so when I can't figure out what he wants then distraction works wonders. If you can get their minds on something different it is great- they have such a short attention span anyway -especially when you are at the store with that full cart! I just have to remember that he is not being spiteful or malicious or purposefully trying to drive me crazy. But the calmer you can keep your voice now, the less you will have to raise it later on in life.