Caution very long but really need help! Please I need advice from any blended families out there! I've been married for 5 yrs now and every single day is seriously a struggle to keep this marriage going. I have a 17 yr daughter that has ADHD, my husband had two boys (9,11) that have Aspergers. Our parent styles are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum; he's very lax and rather "reason" with the boys when they do something wrong, I'm very strict and feel that if they did something inappropriate, especially if it was a repeat offense, then some punishment should take place. We've tried marriage counseling but he refuses to go anymore saying that we just can't talk our issues out because I'm too difficult and he claims I "hate" HIS boys. I don't hate his boys but I do "Hate" when they misbehave and he does nothing about it. I have never been a maternal person and my daughter was an "oopps" baby. But, I raised her to the best of my ability and that was mostly while I was single. I do worry about all the kids and always make sure they have food, clothes, toys, dressed warm or cool depending on the weather, make sure they don't injure themselves, buy all their presents and cards, do things for their schools, etc. But, still it's not good enough for my husband because I'm not the "typical" huggy, kissy, talk to my children in the "baby voice" like many other moms. It's just not in my nature.
We just celebrated our 5th anniversary on Nov 19 and things went okay but we only really spent 2 hrs together. Otherwise we don't spend any quality time at all, he's always "busy" doing other things and playing with the boys.I feel very cheated that my husband doesn't want to spend time with me but he says it's because I'm always so angry and he doesn't like the way I am with the boys. I am strict with them but I was like that with my daughter when she was their age except at their age she was much more independent and could feed herself unlike the boys. They have to be told every little step and are completely dependent. I try to tell my husband that as parents, it's our job to make them independent so they can grow and be on their own some day but he doesn't see it like that. I keep telling him that when they do something wrong we need to sit down and discuss the punishment and he deliver it while I stand next to him so they know we are a team because other wise, they just don't listen to me and I'm the one dealing with them the most; I get them ready for school, I'm here when they get home from school and have to do their homework. HE strolls in usually late from work, sits down to dinner and then does his own thing!
Our last big fight, I explained AGAIN that we need to sit down and talk about their punishments but let him deal it out and he agreed but when the youngest almost got suspended from school for throwing things out the bus window at passing cars, my husband, without even talking to me, told the boy he was grounded for the entire week, no tv, no going outside to play with his friends because not only did he throw things out the window but he also did another bad thing at school two days later and was caught lying to us about another incident on Friday. Well, on Tuesday(yesterday) I had the worst headache in the morning and I just wanted to take a nap since the Advil wasn't working. Our room is in the back of the house and my husband KNEW I had a headache and told the boys to go play in the backyard. They were so loud, screaming and yelling that I though my head was going to pop off! My husband came into our bedroom and askes "How's your headache" I got really upset and said "How do you think it is when you let the boys play right outside our bedroom while I have a damn headache and it's early morning still?" So a fight ensued and I couldn't get any quiet in the house since he didn't have the common sense or courtesy to tell them to come in. So I got dressed and left the house for a while but my head still was hurting and now I was really stressed out about the fight so I ended up going home and after he FED these two boys that at their age should know how to at least make themselves a sandwich, took them out to the park. Now, here's were things get ugly; Later, when he was playing with the boys AGAIN, I asked what happened to the younger boys' punishment? And he said "Your way of discipline doesn't work, I don't think WE are going to work, we should talk about seperating, you are too mean to the boys" I was like "Mean? I didn't even have a say in the younger boys punishment, you carried that out all by yourself AND you didn't even follow through with it so what message are you sending him now? That he can be bad at school and lie to our faces and not to worry because Daddy won't punish me for long or NOT at all?" We didn't talk the rest of the evening and I refused to make dinner so he made dinner for him and his boys. Then he offered me some food and I looked at him like he was nuts since earlier he basically was telling me it was over between us so I told him no, I can't eat when I'm upset. He told me that I never want to do anything as a family and I told him that I would if he could find it in his heart to spend a little time with me first, I don't think that's too much to ask.
Our courtship was extremely short! We actually only went on ONE date where it was just me and him; dinner and a movie. After that the kids were always with us
Now, finally, this is were I need help from other "blended families" out there. How do the two of you handle the kids? Who deals out the punishment, if any, and do you talk it through together or does the actual parent of that child deal with that child and the step parent is not involved at all? Our marriage is really teetering on the edge and it's all because of the boys. My husband has this belief of how "family" should be and it's hard to be a "family" when he doesn't spend time with his wife first. In his eyes, it's his job, his college, his boys, sports, then me.
HELP!!!! Oh, and believe me this does NOT help with my anxiety issues at ALL!
Laura

Hello Laura,
I don't have the experience of a blended family or children with extra needs so I don't know how much help I will be.
I read that you were going to marriage counseling which is positive. I would suggest that you keep going even if your husband is unwilling. You could really use the support- now more than ever.
It sounds to me like you are a great parent and have the children's best interest in mind. Continuing with counseling will also give you the support you need in this area too.
I will keep your family in my prayers.
Stacy D

wowee what a tough situation! I come from a broken background and have had to do the blended thing before- it is extremely hard as a child in this situation however after 5 years there should be some foundation of respect. I agree with the second posting - you should continue counselling without your husband- plus do not forget that the boys are at an age where they will be testing their limits- your husband should support you more no doubt however I certainly understand his independence (typical man) perhaps getting an appropriate book for him to read on being a step parent or in a blended family role may help- also instead of fighting him all the time maybe agreeing to disagree would be a better easier way for you- (in your head anyway) if you try and listen to how he wants you to behave and trying it to see his reaction may help also- sometimes you have to give to get- also working on some basic household rules will help and no one will be singled out- a bristol board of chores where EVERYONE including Dad has a job- your daughter and the boys and you too- speak to your husband about a date night- even if it something he likes more than you start spending time just you two- you have to be one person before you can be two leading a family- explain to him that you two are the glue that holds everything together, allows stability and separating rather than working through it could be much more hard on all the children and you two-

Also the boys are young they wont be this way for very long 14-16 boys tend to straighten up and as a rule boys are much more immature and take longer to develop than girls- I would try and be more of what your husband wants and lay off the boys a bit- in the end they are his kids and he must be responsible for his actions too- again agree to disagree and give to receive-

I totally get how you have needs and feelings too and making a couple little steps (such as even one night alone a month to start and a chore board) will eventually add up to a mile- neither of your can expect to be exactly what the other wants but working little by little will certainly help- every one of your reactions spurs his reactions and vice versa perhaps thinking about how you could approach things differently may change the chain of reactions - for ex. my husband had this thing about not hearing me till I yell then he'd get upset as I attacked him- I explained I will try and write a list of 'honey do list' and star the importance- he has three chances to hear me before im allowed to yell and its working! he listens before I snap- changed the approach and the result was different- something to think about!

I hate to say this also but try and respect you husbands dedication to his children and protection- he obviously cares a lot about family (including you..)!- you two have your whole life to spend together after the children are grown- you may be on the backburner for now..

I hope this helps in anyway-- it is tough but starting over is even tougher- just keep your head up and believing in what you want- make small goals and take small steps- goodluck~!

I have been with my husband for nearly five years, and he has two kids(7&9). I can totally sympathize with you. For most of our relationship I raised the kids by myself most of the time because of his work schedule, so I had to do all the discipline myself whether I liked it or not. I don't have any children of my own, so all of my experience came from my psychology backround in college, books and common sense. I am pretty strict, but reasonable. I expect them to do their best in all areas of their lives, but I am here for them to talk to, and explain all punishments to them. My husband and I make the rules for the house together, the only problem with that is that I always uphold the rules except in extreme cases in which I explain to the kids why this time is different. My husband however changes the rules whenever he doesnt feel like dealing with it, or if he doesnt want them to miss out on some activity. My step-daughter is an angel, but my step-son has severe behavioral problems, and has had them since I met him. He is always in trouble and throws out of control fits at home. It has not gotten any better, only worse.

I don't know that I can offer you any encouraging advice other than to make sure you take care of yourself. Continue going to counselling on your own, even if your husband wont attend with you. And, if he can't respect your opinions when you are helping him with the parenting, maybe he should be doing it all himself. He may need to adjust his schedule so he can do all the parenting of his boys, or pay for childcare. There is no reason for him to be openly disrespecting you.

Kelly

Hi Laura,
When I first was reading your post and I saw you mentioned Aspergers I thought maybe I could help. My son has Aspergers. From what you've written here I don't think you know what you're dealing with in the way of the disorder. You seem a little in over your head so to speak. My suggestion would be to get yourself some books or other material on Aspergers and educate yourself. Of course you and your husband's parenting styles are on opposite sides on the spectrum! It takes a completely different set of rules and a completely different way of delivering them when you're working with these kids. You and your husband need to work many things out but a good place to start would be with you becoming a little more familiar with the disorder and what your stepchildren may or may not be capable of in the present and future. Knowledge is power.

Hi Laura!

I agree with Craw completely. My brother's 33 yr. old son has Aspergers. It is a whole different world. My brother still has to look after him. And tell him what to do as he goes along. He is high functioning but it is still
completely different. He is 33 and can not hold the simpliest of jobs. Because each step of the way he must be told. And no supervisor can take on this responcibility. My brother tried. He had many jobs to begin with and got fired from everyone of them. He couldn't do it.
My brother is 75 years and he is tireless and
patient. He learned a lot along the way.

Yes, I agree with Craw. You have to educate yourself about the disease.
If you just can't handle it, You might want to get out now.
It is for the long haul.
Wishing you the best!!!
God bless!
MaryJane

I appreciate the feedback I've gotten so far, As for the Aspergers I HAVE read several books and even go to a support group. My punishments are as severe as my husband tries to make it out to be, I just think that if they are a "repeat offender" to something they know they aren't supposed to do then talk is cheap and it's time to take away a toy or privilege. It's not like I've EVER told my husband to beat them because I don't believe that's the way but even though they have Asperger's they are very smart and they KNOW Daddy won't punish them therefore they continue with the bad behavior. For example; the 9 year old has a bad habit at school to not follow directions and bother others, he also has an assignment planner he's supposed to bring home every day. My husband has never disciplined him on the bad behaviors at school and as for the planner the teacher tried to help by making a checklist for him at the end of the day to remember what he's supposed to bring home. The checklist is laminated and printed on neon PINK paper. Still he forgets to bring home the planner because he's such in a rush to get out of school and thinks he's better than the other kids (he's been known to actually say that to the others and to us!) So, at this point I DO Think my husband should take some action because "talking" is NOT working. Yes, he does need to find other means of care for them if I'm not allowed to say anything when they do bad behaviors or disrespect me at home because they know they can get away with it thanks to "Daddy's let's have a talk" approach. Children need structure. I have a 17 yr old with ADHD and I've learned before there were books out, how to handle her and found a routine with structure and ground rules really helped. Now she is an independent person but still needs the occasional "push". I'm just worried that if things continue as they are and he just "talks" to them when they are out of line then when they get older they are going to be out of control as teenagers. The older boy already exhibits violent tendencies. I had to get rid of my dog because she was absolutely terrified of the boys because they would torment her behind my back and she was too timid to fight back.
I don't really see how just me going to marriage counseling is going to help when I think my husband in the primary problem. I think the only thing that will salvage this marriage is if I can get a good paying job, make some friends around here and stay away from him and "his boys" as much as possible. He said a hurtful thing to me last night because on Halloween the older boy did a Walk-A-Thon and it was ME not my husband that went out there and cheered him on the whole hour in the heat( we're in Florida and it was a whopping 87 degrees that day) since the boy does have aspergers he doesn't feel things like normal people do so he will eat foods that are too hot or put the water on in the shower on too hot or not know when he is hungry, so I not only went out there to support him but to also make sure he didn't get heat exhaustion. I had to make him take off his costume at one point because he was sweating so profusely. But, yet, my husband never sees the good I do for "his boys" only what he wants to see AND he told me I only went out there because I felt guilty for being so mean to the boy all the time! That really hurt my feelings!

Hey again Laura,
OK, yes, I can totally see this as an anxiety producing situation for you. You are expecting way too much from these boys and the fact that you're not getting what you want can be very anxiety producing! You gave me a few classic situations involving the 9 yr old (which is the same age as my son) such as not following directions, bothering others, and forgetting his assignment planner. Are these the things you plan to punish him for? If so, you want to punish him for being autistic. My son does not follow directions well, is a real cut up in the classroom, and never remembers to bring all his homework assignments home. But I talk w/his teacher and we both agree he needs assistance in those areas. It's just that the classrooms are tragically short of help and someone isn't always there with him to spell these things out for him - and yes, he needs them spelled out day after day, even tho he has a neon orange colored checklist. However, we all know he is never to blame for these things because it's part of the disorder, not deliberate disobedience. This is exactly what I meant by you needing to become more familiar with the disorder. You will have to redefine your expectations or you'll go bonkers! Something like 90+% of these folks are not capable of living independently ~ EVER. You've got 2 Aspergers kids so I can see where it's double difficult for you. You need help with the care of them. I would take them in a nano second if I could. I think these kids are so very special. Look to your support group and the Autism Society of Florida. Here's a link for the Autism Society of Florida. Good luck to you. You've got your hands full and I won't deny it's A LOT of work.

Craw, I wish I could write like you!!! I have a friend with an Autistic son. He is 23. She has been caring for him all these years. It is hard work but she loves him so much.
These children are so special. My nephew is!
Thank you for pointing these things out.
MaryJane

Kel- I would like to thank you for understanding my frustration as a step-parent.
Craw- You don't seem to understand that I HAVE read up on Aspbergers HELL, I'm the one who kept telling my husband,THEIR Father that there is something not right with them. He isn't fully accepting the fact that his boys aren't normal and believes they will live productive lives, get married, have kids and take care of US when we are too old to take care of ourselves. He's the one that needs to educate himself! Remember, this are NOT my children, I'm just the step-mom that gets treated more like the babysitter and I'm trying to deal with them the best I can and I DO believe they can be taught to be more independent, for I HAVE done a lot of teaching them myselves but it's hard to keep it going when he ruins everything by kissing their little butts and doing things for them that they should at least be capable of doing for themselves. They do not have severe aspergers the younger one is very mild and has a little more ADHD in him it's the older one that is always in a "Fog" but still at their age they should be able to get themselves a bowl of cereal for pete's sake. Like I said they aren't that severe. It's just that everyone always treats them with "kit's gloves" so they have learned to be dependent on others. Hey, if you want them and think you could do a better job then I have for the last five years GOOD LUCK! They aren't "angels" especially, the older one;he is very quiet and had violent tendencies. I've seen how he's purposely hurt his brother without any provoking and ENJOYED every minute of hurting him! He destroys things in the house and his clothes. Like I said, I had to get rid of MY dog because of him. Now she is permanently scarred and afraid of children. I have to constantly keep on eye on our two cats. I don't hate these boys but I try the best I can to raise them like they were my own. There are some people in this world that just aren't maternal!!! I love my husband very much and it's that love that keeps me trying very hard to keep this marriage going. But before you bad mouth me, let me point out that when they are sick I'm the one that takes care of them, when they get hurt at school and need to be rushed to the ER the school calls ME not their father! I constantly make sure they are safe and well fed.
I don't need any more EDUCATION about their condition; I need advice about how to talk to an almost "Dead beat Dad" that doesn't want to DEAL with their condition!

I have a cousin who is autistic, and come from a blended family..First of all Laura I give you credit because you do have your handsful and I agree with alot of what you said about parenting. You and your husband have to be a team, and kids will notice that opening and take advantage of that gap. I do believe that when it comes to children with autism that you do have to be very consistent with them, and from what I read I see that you are trying to do that but your husband is on a different playing field than you are. I don't agree with Craw that you should give up on your marriage, and that you are not that special person who can raise autistic children..no one has the right to tell you that especially when they are not in your shoes!!! You could of jumped ship from this relationship long time ago but you are still there so I give you credit for that. I think that you are doing a wonderful job with the resources that you have and that you are right about you and your husband needing to be on the same page about raising these children. Keep your head up Laura I believe you are doing the best you can

Also Craw you mentioned all the qualities it takes in a person to raise an autistic child...we are not given a handbook on raising children...the doctor tells us congrats and puts them in our arms and we take them home...and then after you bring them home it's like oky...you learn. And then later to find out your child is autistic you have to relearn how to care for your child again and their new needs. Then you add a blended family and there is even more to learn...I want whatever handbook you got craw because they sure were not handing them out when I had my boys!!!

Nah, it's a holiday. Wink You will neither get what I want to give you, nor will you get what you deserve. Not from me. Karma baby. (Quote)

Laura was just coming on here venting about her life and asking for advice and then that is what you tell her? Remind me the next time im upset and in need to not go spilling off at the mouth!

Laura,
For me, this conversation is between you and I because we share something. The Aspergers child. You got 2. Do you think I don't know what you're going thru? Let's take the dog and cat situation. I also had to get rid of my dog. Her name was Ginger and she was really great with me and my husband. Not so great with my kid. She was a 90 lb. rottweiler that wanted to kill my son. I cried when we let her go and I still miss her. We have 2 great cats. I didn't get these cats until my son was a little older so it was easier for me to break him in to them. Yes! He was abusive at the beginning. He isn't now. Just lucky on my part I got them later when he was older. ALL the things you describe I go thru as well. I have a different attitude about it so I coast thru it a little differently than you. All I can tell you is I love my son, as difficult as it seems at times to bring him up. These are not your kids, they're step children. That's why it's harder for you. You didn't choose or give birth to this. If it was 5 years ago that you got married, I wonder whether both of these kids had a diagnosis of Aspergers and you knew what you were getting yourself into at the time. It's a lot of hard work that people without the Aspergers child can never begin to imagine. Take care of yourself.

Laura,
I would like to add to this conversation a little insight into which I believe Craw may be referring to, that being "Angels". It's easy to understand how their behavior may not seem "angel like" but they are just that. These children, are the ones who bring you light, bring you Truth to your existences in ways that you are not aware of. These "angels" come with a purpose. They have a understanding beyond ours and know truths much deeper then we understand. As a result of this, these children are being taught against their inherent abilities to behave in ways that are foreign to them. They are resisting these untruths and many of them are rebelling. They are seen as problems in families as they fight the untruths that are given to them. It is hard for them to see or interpret the logic or that which you consider important within your structuring, as these children do not recognize structure, which you perceive as normal.

These children are being misunderstood, and even considered abnormal in their behaviors. It is not so. They come remembering that which you have forgotten. They have no patience for everyday smallness as it exists in your reality. To these young kids, reality is a much larger and more important picture. These children are sensitive to the feelings, the essences of others. They are able to see what is truth within and around all things, and these children are not accepting of untruths in their realities. Their sensitivity, spiritual gifts, and warrior energy in actuality is a gift to YOU!

Autistic childern are called AWE-tistic! These children are worthy of awe, not labels of dysfunction. If we shame the children with labels, or dominate them into submission, we will have undermined a heaven-sent gift.

I realize you have educated yourself on Autism, but maybe not from the perseptive that I am coming from. In short, these boys are a blessing that I believe Craw understands. It would be very easy for myself or others reading to think, well.. WHY would a woman of little maternal connections to childern get into a situation such as this? Or better yet, agree with you that Dad is in fact deadbeat. IMO, a Dad who was not, would of NEVER chosen a wife who didn't connect with his childern. Neither one matters at this point. They are yours so long as you are his. Work together and try to find a level of understanding with these "angels" and I think you will all come out the otherside of this better parents.