I felt I needed to see if I'm crazy by asking another parents point of view. I've been married twice and my previous husband, which I had a son with, did alot of bad things during our marriage and I'm not able to get over the bitterness I have towards him for it. He cheated on me while I was pregnant in 1995. After I had my son I broke out with a STD, and later found out it was herpes, which could only be caught sexually. I had never been with anyone else but my husband ever and he also denied everything. In 1998 after his attration to a MUCH younger female I decided on a divorce and he told he did cheat on me back then. Anyway, I went through a lot mentally through them years and now I hold a grudge towards him for it. I think such bad things towards him and now I'm starting to notice I tend to compare my son to him. I pick out things that are so much alike in them both and it really bothers me so much. It's like my son is a clone of his father. Everything down to his facial expections and the way he talks, walks, acts, sits, stares, whatever it is it's just like him. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I feel I have such anger towards his father that I'm just afraid he will turn out like him. His dad is very disturbed mentally, I beleive he's bipolar because of his mood swings and personality changes so often. Anyway, am I the only parent that feels this way sometimes or is there someone out there that can relate. Don't get me wrong I love my son more than anything. He's my only child and am not able to have anymore due to a hysterectomy beyond my control. I want the best for him but sometimes feel due to my feelings I have sometimes I may be actually causing what I'm not wanting to happen. I worry a lot about my son growing up with problems like his father. It really scares me to think about it. I'm trying to let the past go but it really did a lot of damage to me mentally when it comes to men and trust.

Anutherday,

You're not crazy unless I am too. My problem is mostly with my step-sons and my husband. My husband is what I consider 'emotionally abusive' to me and our kids. Of course I am VERY sensitive, so everything he does feels like an attack on me and our kids.

He and his two older boys - both young, married men now - are very chauvanistic and emotionally torturous beings. I hate that they've taken on their father's 'traits' in this way. I saw it coming for years, but no matter what I did to curb the tendency to act that way, they still turned out like him. For me, telling them they were acting like their father just made them happy because they knew it bothered me. They enjoyed making me miserable and continuted to do the things I hated even more!

Now, OUR boys sometimes act like their father. Luckily I AM able to curb their actions. All I do is say "OK, Herman" when the boys are acting up and they HATE that because it makes them realize that they are acting just like their dad and they hate those things about him. For me, this has worked well.

If you have the resources, maybe you can get yourself and your son into some kind of counseling. Finding out early IF there is a problem like bipolar disorder, can help your son to NOT become so much like his father. I know you don't know for sure that dad is bipolar, and you probably never will, but knowing if your son is can help you both. It's worth a shot...

So, be happy to know you're not alone in your feelings. Good luck to you and your son for happy, peaceful lives.

Dear Anutherday:
Do you have OCD? It sounds like this worrying about your son being like his father is obsessive. I do understand. I am getting a divorce and I have 3 step children and we have one little boy together. I don't want my son to follow in his father's footsteps. So, I feel the best thing I can do is to keep trying to instill good values in my son and be a good role model. Good luck and keep your chin up!!!
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