Hello:

I was posting my concerns with my lack of assertiveness and my personal life in different topic areas. Than decided to post here too. I needed to express my self and also maybe get some tips in this area.

I�m here because a lot of my assertive issues have to do with my children especially my 15 year-old son. I think maybe I could even be more assertive with my 3 and half year-old daughter?

It gets to be tricky when you have been manuliapted by others in the past.

EXAMPLE: My ex husband and now by your own kid.

When I try to tell my son no I stutter as I try to apply my assertiveness!

Even though it's not easy I�m applying more assertive behavior!

I guess I need to stop giving him the reasons why I�m saying no.

Sometimes I say no because he has not done his chores, or we are low on money, or we just bought whatever etc. We need to wait tell this weekend etc

Or I don�t feel good; I have P.M.S. I�m tired etc. this really makes thing worse...

This is wrong for my kids to deal with my weakness. Both my kinds suffer because I�m not there in the way I {should} BE� Or not?

I have to and I want to change how I handle things especially when I might not feel good!

Good bye and take care

Hi Frosty,
I also have a 15 year old son and sometimes I feel like I am not assertive enough with him as well. You are right when you said you don't always have to give reasons why you say no to him. Sometimes I just say, "because I said no and thats it!" I feel that we as parents don't always have to explain every decision that we make. Also I wouldn't worry about your stuttering, I'm sure the message still gets across. As to your feeling guilty about not being
"there" in the way you "should" be. I use to think way also but I have gotten so much better at not putting myself down like that anymore. I just tell myself that I am the best mother that I can be at this point in my life. And thats all I can do. My children know I love them as I am sure that yours do as well. So stop beating yourself up for the fact that you are not the "perfect mother" because there is no such thing.
Hope this helps,
Kimberlee

kimberlee,

Thanks for the support and positive reminders for not putting my self down etc. You really did help me! It's nice to have someone who can relate, and who can offer good suggestions, and no put downs. It's a wild ride having a teen son and a 31/2 year-old daughter who is already a handful. I can't wait till shes is a teen LOL.

Well like always it's so late and I'm tired. So take care and best to all

I know this is an old thread but I,m am dealing with this issue now. Ihave two sons ages 5 nad 6 and I am their door mat and this is becoming a real problem, My children have no structure,meaning no consistant bed time,or regular daily routines and asking them to do anything is a battle (that I almost always lose ).I ll ask them to do something as simple as put a wrapper in the gargage and after ten times of telling them still find it on the floor,needless to say my house looks like a garbage can .They started school last week and I fear their lack of structure will rear its ugly head at school,in fact I think it already has my 5yr olds teacher made a comment to me on the second day about his inability to follow instructions .If I dont learn how to get a handle on this I fear my children will have a lot of problems in school. I feel like a failure as a mom, and feel that I have neglected to teach them basic skills necessary for the to thrive,emtionally and physically.Sometimes I feel like they would be better off in someone elses care, After all how can you teach your child to pick up after himself,brush his teeth or go to bed ontime when you cant get yourself to do these things.

I don't have a 15 year old but I do have a 13 year old and I've been 15 myself before so I feel I am able to comment here regarding your situation.

Being assertive is necessary when standing up for decisions that are made. No means "NO".
Unlike other opinions here... I believe it's good to give reasons why you are saying "NO". The entire time I have been raising my 3 children I have always given them reasons for "NO". They are less likely to battle me when I give them a reason. When I grew up as a child, my own parents would tell me "NO" and when I asked "Why?" they would say "Because we said NO". This created in me such rebellion, anger and resentment because since they couldn't give me a good, logical reason, I felt like they just wanted to control my life and purposely make me miserable. Had they give me a good explanation I would have understood why they made that choice for me even if I didn't like it.

My son gets disappointed when I say "NO" to something he really wants but when I tell him why he doesn't fight me about it. I watch him pout a little while and remind myself that I don't have to feel guilty and "no means no".

Contrary to what's been said here... I believe children need answers and shouldn't be left to ASSUME reasons. How will they know the truth unless we tell them?

Just my thoughts....

Hello: This post might get sloppy, it's 2:05 A.M.

I have been through such A bad couple of months. Tonight my son got in very late. I tryed to talk to him and aas it is a part of who I am I explain and It makes him made.... He hats it.....

I want to reach his heart. It is really scary because I feel he is cold and doe's not have many feelings for others....

I pray I'm wrong and he turns around. I need a break. Tonight another mother told me it looks like God had abanded me... I truly belive in God and I have to stop myself often from feeling unworthy of Gods help. I'm just not doing as good as I could be people sorry!!!!! So much happened tonight what a mess people are sometimes..... I feel bad and normal and good compaired to these poor messed up souls I delt with tonight..

I am praying for GOds help for them and explcially my children.. I want to be better for them.. I want to belive and see my son be a Good person. I must go and try to rest so I can take care of my little girl she is young and I love both my kids I must be strong for her I hatr it when she gets hurt by my son and my parenting issues with him

Plese If you pray please pray for us.

People...........................
The program does help but it needs to be worked and used I must mke time for it again anf pray to be able to use it anf not torn away for it by these outside forces

frosty
i too feel what you feel.i have a 21 year old boy and a 10 year old boy.i am very sick and it is chronic.i am always sick i am always tired. i thank God for the short moments when i find relief.I thank him for the moments when my kids and i get together and share calm moments and smiles. I am so happy when my eldest son comes for a visit and he looks great. the last time i saw my eldest son (just a few days ago) he arrived with a black eye, and an angry face.bearing a birthday gift belated for me.and an exgirlfriend whom he drove across the states to go retrieve since she had left him back in july.ok? just yesterday i had to send a police officer out to go pickup my 10 year old boy up at my home because just 5 minutes after his father had dropped him off at my boyfriends home (where i was visiting my boyfriend). My boyfriend and exhusband and i were working on my exhusbands car in the backyard for only say what 3 minutes if that? my boy took off on his bike without a word. kids are a handful of stress and love and anxiety all wrapped up into one package.but they all have a special gift and just make us await for the right day when they decide to unwrap that and let us see what it is.the gift God placed deep within them.some just take longer to let that out.
sometimes my eldest only shows it in sneak previews then he hides it away again. be patient with them and be patient with yourself it is all you can do.best wishes good luck.
gentle hugs

Frosty,

I am sorry for what you are going through with your son. It must be very difficult to go through all those feelings because you simply cannot control the choices your son makes for himself.

You must remember that God is a perfect parent and His children still make mistakes !! God's children are not always the perfect reflection of His parenting skills and neither are ours! Imagine how much you can relate to our Heavenly Father and what He feels when His children do not obey or lack in love and truth? The Lord can easily understand your pain!

There has to be a time when you hand over your son ( emotionally, spiritually) to the Lord. God has a perfect plan for His life and only God knows what that is. What if this rocky road your son is traveling is what will bring him back into relationship with God and bring understanding and maturity? Ultimately this is God's plan ! God knows that we all stray at times and our human side gets in the way of what we should be doing or should be thinking but we must remember that ALL things work together for good in the end !! Romans 8:28 That means that God will ultimately bring good out of what your son is going through but everything works in God's timing, not ours!

God doesn't EVER abandon his children! There may be times when we feel God isn't there but we know that's not the truth because His Word says so! His Word says that He is with us until the end of the world !! And that nothing can separate us from the love of God !! READ ROMANS CHAPTER 8 and make a choice to believe those promises of God...those promises are for YOU and your own children!!!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you today that God will protect your son and teach him lessons of life and also for you that you will be comforted by His peace, love, grace and especially be reminded of his everlasting promises!

I know that someday I will have my own situations to deal with when it comes to my own children and I am already relying on the fact that God's grace will carry me through and give me the strength to endure!

God bless Frosty! Don't listen to those distracting lies! That's EXACTLY what they are...LIES! Instead CHOOSE this day what thoughts you will serve!! ( josh 24:15) Make a conscious choice to serve the thoughts and Words of God!!!

Sunset34 & esstac and troysmom

Thanks for all the posts.

I believe we parent especially mothers with stress and anxiety-depression needs to vent and support each other.

I believe we all have the desire to be better and be the best parents we can be.

Most important of all I wish my children a healthy life with the knowledge to control and manage anxiety-stress-depression in their lives.

I do believe I can pass this anxiety on to them and I want them to have the back up that I did not have.

I will build my tools to manage my life and I will pray very hard that God will walk with me through this.... I THINK THE JURNEY MIGHT GET MORE BUMMPIE I pray it will smooth out from now on.....

Thanks again for the prayers and support

Frosty;
i believe you have already found the courage to see that no matter how hard things get in the parenting role you have you will know what you need to do and where to turn for guidance.your main guidance will surely come from God and your secondary guidance from within and hopefully us other mothers and partners in stress management lifers here. together we can always come up with ways of coping . But always remember that you have strength within yourself and someone looking over you that will help guide you on your path.
Things always have a way of working out.And your family will be fine.entrust them into the hands of God like others have advised. speak honestly with them and let them know how much you care and love them always even when you don't always understand or condone their actions. give them your wisdom and some advice but don't always expect them to heed it right away.sometimes it takes awhile to sink in but it stays in their minds for a lifetime.they don't always brush a mothers words away as easily as they try to pretend they do. good luck and God bless.
and in case anyone is wondering, my days and my times with my little one are by no way grand but they are showing improvement and to me that is a good thing and a good sign .afterall, some miracles don't happen overnight.the miracle of his survival after birth did though as he had to have open heart surgery @ 5 days old.and trust me it was then that i learned the faith in God and trust in God is the only way to empower your life and find the right path to become all you can be and all the person and parent you can ever be.It also tought me how much a person can endure in their weakest and most fearful moments and when you find that you do have strength within yourself to overcome panic attacks,anxiety and depression and stress without even knowing your doing it because motivation adrenaline and worry for someone else takes over ...that, my friends,afterall,in my opinion, describes the true spirit of being a mom..lol....(that was my sad attempt at a little early morning humour)

troysmom (Thanks)

Very nice reply. I don't have much time. I have so much to do tonight. I'am still trying to work things out and at the same time letting go and letting GOD> It is not easy for me.

I dream and pray for a day to come when things are a little bit brighter. I must get my act together for that to happen, I must be at least happy with myself. I think most of the time I can have a good mind set. I just have to overcome one of my biggest issues and that is coping with bad health and getting as healthy as I can..

I know for sure the people on this website are some of the biggest supporters one can have.

So on a good note.
{heres to digging in and pushing forward)

I am new and don't know if I qualify to even post, but I'd like to mention that I agree that older children should be given reasons for some decisions that you make. (It always made me feel that my parents had at least considered my feelings.)
On the other hand you don't have to REASON with them. Whether they accept the reason you said no or not, it is still you decision. You should never feel guilty for trying to keep your children healthy and safe, and I'm sure when you say no those are always you intentions.
Also, remember, teen years are hard. There is so much going on in you mind and body. The hormones alone can make you miserable. Psychological "growing pains" I guess. He may be a little rebellious, angry, mopey, or any combination of happy or scary emotions all at once. He's just learning how to sort these things out and who he really is.... Conflict with parents is almost impossible to avoid.
You are doing your best, it's not like they come with guidebooks.
I have faith that you want to do well, keep your head up.

The teen years are the hardest as I remember and I am 52 with not the best memory;-) Give yourself a break and a pat on the back! Do what you can and let the rest go. Time heals all so take some for your self - free of worry even if it's just 10 or 15 minutes a day. Find something good about your son &/or the situation there is always some light. I have a 12 years old and a handi-cap Mom(78)who I care for, at times she is going on 3 or 4;-D
Best of luck and brightest of blessings~ Kro