Hi Everyone. I have a 12 year old son in 6th Grade at a Catholic School. I do lunch room duty a couple of days a week in order to meet my volunteer hours. One of the lunch moms came up to me and told me that my son spends most of his lunch time alone. Being an anxious person, I started to worry about it and found myself pretty much focusing on how the kids treat him at lunch. Today we went for a walk after school and I asked him what he looked for in a friend. He said, "one that isn't my friend out of pity" and he started to choke up. I held back my tears, but I am crying as I type this. I don't know how to help me. Do you change schools? Do I bring this to the teacher's attention, and if I do, what could she do?

Has anybody gone through this? He is my only child and it is breaking my heart to see him go through this. We have enrolled him in Tae Kwon Do to make friends outside of school, but appears the problem with friendships is in school.

Lisa

Hi. I will not start out by saying I can relate b/c my kids are only 2 and 3 but your story got to me. My 3 year old is pretty shy and I see her as an observer in preschool and often not interacting with anyone. It is already hard for me to watch and I feel in my insecure, guilty mom state, that I can see some of my anxiety in her. Is that possible at 3? I don't think so, I just think it's a bi-product of my state and how I view things. I only have two things to share that I intend to work on with her. Not sure that they will help but my analytical side says it probably will. I hope so. One is what Lucinda mentions in Session 3, where I am now: always be hugely supportive and compliment your kids on anything they do. I'm trying to tell her that I am proud of however or whomever she wants to be, an intravert or an extravert. That both types go far and they can do anything they set their minds to. Anything that you think will build his confidence. Practice saying it daily to him. Also, her teacher suggested I get her invloved in as many extracurricular activities as possible (which it sounds like you are) to make her go it alone, make friends and without the help of me. I think if he can make friends outside of school it may help him to make them inside too, no? Let's see what others think but this is what I'm going to try.

I can relate to your problem and my heart goes out to you. I too have an only child, in catholic school, age 13, in 8th grade. My child had issues in the past of not having alot of friends at school. She had friends out of school and was happy out of school. It got so bad that she would get stomachaches and not want to go to school. I did not understand this because she is pretty, athletic, and smart. I'm not saying this because she is my daughter, I have had many people telling me I should put her into modeling. She had the full package so what could be the problem?

Kids can be cruel, and if your child is sensitive he can get hurt easily. We had to work on her self esteem. She could not see the wonderful things about herself. We took her to a professional for counseling because she didn't want to go to school. She had to realize that to have friends, she had to be a friend. She had to approach some kids first.

It is important to get your son involved in activities in school. What are his interests? Have him join something like drama club, sports, chess club, student council, where he can meet kids with similar interests. Where he will feel comfortable talking to other kids, and where these kids can discover what a great person he is.

Now my daughter is a cheerleader, she found her nitch, and has plenty of friends. She has good and bad days, but many more good days.

As far as changing schools, it depends. I know where this has worked and not worked. Is your school so small that his friendships are limited. I friend of mine moved her child because there were only 13 kids in the whole 7th grade. This limited her friendships, you were either in or out. She is much happier in a public school where the group is much larger. I had another friend where changing schools did not work. That is something you will have to decide on your own.

I hope this helped you.

frustratedmom and jam2 -

Thanks so much for all of your kind and helpful words. When I dropped him off at school today, I told him I thought he was the best and I loved him very much. I also told him I knew he was a great problem solver and we would work together to solve his friend problem. Well, he came out of school today, all excited, because he had such a great day. He told me that he approached kids and asked if he could play with them and they said yes. There was even one boy who was still upstairs yelling out the window that he'd see my son tomorrow and told him a joke. The smile on his face was the best.

I used your advice it worked. Again, thank you.

LisaLisa

LisaLisa, I am so happy for your son! It broke my heart to read your story. You gave him just what the doctor ordered...a good dose of self-confidence and good self-esteem. You probably did more for him than you even realized. I went to a Catholic grammar school to and class sizes are small as others have said. If your son has conquered this struggle, he is a very strong boy.

Keep giving him the confidence and positive solutions. You should be so proud, both of your son and yourself. You have proved to him that he can come to you for advice and that is so important for a child. He's on his way!

Your story really made me sad. I am so sorry that you are growing through this. But look at the bright side. Your son seems like such a bright sweet young man and not a bully or mean kid. My son is only 15 months so I cant give the best advice except my sympathy. I went through this with my neice though and she still has issues with friends. She is 12 and has a hard time making friends. We tell her all the time what a great girl she is and how fun she is to be with. I just want her to grow and have confidence and know that it is great to have friends but she is okay if someone doesnt care to talk to her. And it is them not her. She was bullied really bad in elementry and it makes me (grown women) want to go battle a 7 yr old. LOL
I hope it gets better!!!

Glowbug57 and Naustin - Thanks so much for your kind responses. Yeah, it is hard to watch someone you love go through a tough time. Today was much better getting him off to school because he had a good day yesterday and I think the fact that his winter break starts today didn't hurt either. LOL.

I can definitely relate, Naustin, to wanting to fight his battles for him. Today going to school he told me that everything happens for a reason and he is just learning from this experience. I am so proud of him. I know he'll find his way and be okay, it's just as his mom, I want to fix it for him.

Thanks everyone.

LisaLisa

Lisa,
I could have written your first letter. I have cried so many times for my daughter who is also 12 and has no friends at school. She is bright and has a great personality and I can't for the life of me figure out why the other kids can't see it. And I like you sat back and watched her one day at school(I was chaperoning a field trip). When we first got there and there were not many kids she was smiling and happy and the more kids that came the more she just slid away and basically blended in with the wood work.
I have gone over everything about how to be a good friend and she says that she is always there when others have problems, but no one seems to care if she has one. I am going to the library tomorrow to see if I can find a book on how to instill self esteem in a child. I already tell her all the things that I have read on here to try and it is not working. I will say though that when it comes to school work she is very confident. It is just the friend thing that she has no confidence.
One example of something that happened to her at school: She was sitting on a bench at recess speaking with another girl when Taylor walked up and told her that Abbey said that she didn't deserve to have friends and that she should be sitting by herself. I asked her what she did and she said that she just said ok and continued talking to the girl. Then Tori came up and said Abbey said that you need to go cry by yourself, just go away from here and cry. She wasn't crying when Tori said this to her. She again said ok and continued talking to the girl. Abbey sent another girl to restate the same things the first two said. By this time my daughter was about ready to cry, then the bell rang to go in. They pushed her to the back of the line and then got in a huddle and started talking about her....you know just loud enough that she would hear them. She never cried and I was really proud of her for that. I just can't understand how some ppl can be so mean. It broke my heart for her. This is just one example, there are many just like this if not worse. It is like they can't stand it for her to be happy.
And like the Naustin said there are many times I would like to go and fight her battles for her....wow, I said that really nice, because nice is not what I feel when I think of them. Any way I hope that everything goes well for your son and if things turn around for him you will have to let me know just what he did to get there. Thanks for letting me vent.

Izzi

Izzi - I have to tell you that yesterday was rough again. I did lunchroom duty because I had the day off from work. The winds were too bad so the kids had to stay in for lunch. The 6th grade, my son's grade, was able to go run around in the gym. He went to join a group of boys playing basketball and they told him "you're not playing". He went to another group of kids, same thing. He ended up sitting on the bleachers by himself. One of the other moms went up to a child who told him he could not play and explained to him that exclusion was a form of bullying in our school, which would result in a detention. He, of course, denied everything, but ended up hanging with my son. My son seemed okay with it - this boy used to be a good friends with my son. Like you, I cannot figure out what is going on. I wish these kids could see what a nice boy my son is. He never has anything bad to say to anyone - maybe he is too nice.

Yesterday, driving home from school, my son broke down and cried. He said he is so lonely at school. He said the kids all talk to him during the school day and at the lunch table, but when it is time to play, they ignore him. We are on our winter break from school so he has about a week or so away from the kids at school. He asked if he could leave this school. I contacted another catholic school in our area and they are going to set up a day for him to spend at the school after the break. If he is comfortable, we'll move him there.

Good luck to you on your daughter. I really hope things work out for our kids. Maybe we could PM and brainstorm.

LisaLisa

Lisa,
Oh, how I hate it for your son. My daughter has asked so many times to switch schools, but I always wondered if that would help. What if she had the same problems at a different school? Would that hurt her more? To think that it was her and not the other kids. I just never knew what to do and still don't. Next year she will be going to a Junior High where all the elementary schools consolidate. I am praying that this will help. If not then we can transfer her to the catholic school in our area, because I can't go through this another 6 years. Sometimes I think I hurt more than she does.
But in the long run, I always tell her that things will get better for her. The same thing happened to my older daughter, she is 24 now, and it really didn't turn around until she was in college, although high school was better. She has so many friends and they are good true friends. So my younger daughter can see that there is hope in the future, but that certainly doesn't help with the present.
Also, my daughter was seeing the counselor at school, who was trying to help her see all her good attributes and boost her confidence.
I am wondering is your son really smart? My daughter is and I was wondering if that may have something to do with it. Also, she is not athletic at all.
If you come up with a solution please keep me posted....You and your son will be in my prayers.
Izzi

I remember when I was in catholic grade school back in the 60s...I was so lonely and so fearful all the time there. My sisters and I begged my mother to take us out and let us go to public school. She finally relented and I attended 6th grade at the local elementary school. No one knew me. I was the new girl and the kids were great! I was free at last. It felt like I had gone from a dark winter into a warm summer day. That was a year to remember. It was golden every day. I do believe we can start over. I was still shy after that year, but I never felt such a dark loneliness at school again. Good luck to your son.

Children often need to learn skills. Playing is a skill as much as it is entertainment. With your son's teacher's assistance, select two or three children. Call their parents. Invite them over for playdates at your house. Serve pizza and juice. Provide table games they can all play at the same time. If your child still has trouble learning the skills of socializing and play, ask your teacher to schedule an appointment with the school's occupational therapist. The therapist will observe and evaluate your child, and can then help him learn these skills. Whatever you do, don't wait too long. Children don't benefit by having their handicaps ignored. Inability to socialize and play will handicap the child later in life. I wish you and your child the best.

Thanks for all the great advice. I have scheduled my son to spend the day at two catholic schools in the area and the public school system, too. My fear is the same as Izzi, will it be more of the same.

I know that part of his problem is that his three close friends at school have left - two because they moved out of state and the third, because his mother has decided to homeschool, we have attempted to get them together (they also moved about 30 miles away)but have been unsuccessful so far.

He got together with one of his friends from Tae Kwon Do this weekend - they had lunch and hung out. He found out the boy lives just two blocks away and if my son decides to go the public school, it will be the same school this friend attends.

We are keeping our options open and trying to give my son some control in the decisions, too. Now that he has connected with a boy in the neighborhood, his spirits seem to be up.

I am so glad I have this site to work out this problem. Your support has been wonderful. Thank you.

Lisa

Hi!!! I can relate to you too!!!!

First of all I have to confess my English is not perfect, so please excuse any errors expressing myself.

I have a 17 years old son struggling with "social anxiety" since he was 10 years old. I tend to think that he probably had some hereditary pre-disposition to this condition. I strongly recommend that you look into the symptoms of this debilitating condition because all the details you shared about your son, are very familiar to the ones my son has. Get detailed info in the Internet so you start discarding posibilities and start seeking help. I consider myself a "mother warrior" and this means that I will fight and look for help and answers for my son's social anxiety, up until I depleate all resources.
I have tried everything..... and one of the most frustrating challenges I encountered was finding a good psychologist that could give a good Cognotive Behavior Therapy. Not everybody understands and knows how to help this children.
My son is extremely intelligent, very naive and has low self-esteem. He was bullied a lot when he was younger. Now, he is coping with most of the situations, he has few friends that happen to be very similar to him. It has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Eventhough he is much better than years ago, I have to be sincere and tell you that it brakes my heart when I go to a school's acitivity and he is ignored by most of his classmates or act as if he was invisible.
But...reality is that he is making baby steps forward and this is the most important thing. I have been very opened with him about his condition but at the same time making him understand that what he has, is like having any other medical condition such as diabetis or asthma... We talk about his feelings and I listen. Sometimesw I give him tips but most times giving the solution is NOT what he wants. They usualy know what they should do but are TERRIFIED to take action.
I do highly recommend changing school but only if you prepare him for all the things that he has work on. He has to be brave and get supervised therapy at the same time. He has to show that he is totaly determined to use this opportunity to have a fresh start in a new environment with new people. In all this process your son has to be the one that wants to change.
I also recommend that you enroll him in some kind of activities that he interests in and that involves younger children. (one to three years). They usually look up to older ones and this works for their advantage. Be sure that non of his classmates are there (they have a predetermined image of your son and could be counter-productive to have them around). In general my son does not like sports but I enrolled him with a personal trainer in a gymn and it worked out. You can try Fencing classes, a Chess club or getting him involved in a church or community service activities. Getting a fresh start in other areas of his life is VERY important.
If you want more ideas or you just want to exchange experiences with me I am more than willing to help.

I'm new here and man can I relate to all of these posts about kids and school!!! I'm here to support my 17 year old son, who was diagnosed with Post Traumatic stress disorder, depression and Gen/social anxiety.

I think if there's one piece of info /advice i could give it would be to take what is happening to your kids in school very seriously. I think admin. and people in general take the easiest way out of situations that have to do with Kids being mean to other kids. I can't tell you how many times I've been told comment like " kids will be kids" or" well it's sort of a boys right of passage to be mean to other boys" or" It's something they need to learn to work out themselves" or " What did your Son do to make that boy hit him?" and the list goes on and on. I am very Pro- Teacher/Admin, I've always taught my kids to respect authority, look at things from a teachers point of view..etc. But there came a time when I realized that it wasn't just the kids he needed to stand up to, it was the Admin/teachers as well! I think the final strw for me and my husband, was after an incident in a classroom where he was putting text books back on a shelf for his group. He had 5-6 books and needed to set them down on a girls desk , to get them all facing the same way, in order to put them back on the shelf. He asked if he could use the corner of her desk, she yelled " No! it's MY desk" so, he said " it's the schools desk and it will only take me 10 seconds to straighten them on the edge of your desk" and proceeded to set them down and ,straighten them , then slide them on the shelf, which was right next to her desk. She proceeded to yell then slap him in the face with her open palm, HARD. the teacher witnessed it , shaked her head at them, and proceeded to ingnore the situation. I heard the story when he got home, and saw the remains of the girls hand imprinted on his face. Of course the school was called immediately. I went in the next day to the Principles office where she proceeded to tell me that if the young women said NO he couldn't used the edge of her desk that he shouldn't have and the girls reaction was a direct result of HIS actions. I listened as she basically lectured me. I then asked if I could rest my purse on the corner of her desk . she replied " of course" I asked " why did you say yes? She replied that it was the curteous thing to say as I needed a place to put my purse. I then asked if the young lady who said NO to my son's request wasn't then being discourteous, as he simply needed a place to rest 6 text books in order to complete the task the Teacher had asigned him to do? I then went on to make the analogy that this entire situation had made me very angry....and asked if it was OK and permissable for me to reach across the desk and slap her in the face? If it would simply be ignored and dissmissed because I'm an angry mom? I explained that I certainly was NOT going to do that, because I learned at a very early age that physical violence was not tolerated in our society and in fact, was grounds for Police and Legal action, as it was called Assault. I then explained that if my son was ever ASSAULTED again, my husband and I would indeed involve the Police immediatley, and would press charges against the child and the school. That was in middle school. Inncidences continued to happen....mostly verbal bullying. My son BEGGED me to home school him for 8th grade. I did, and he did very well academically but missed the chance to be around kids and make friends. He started in 9th grade, high school, in hopes that things would be different. They were for about 6 mths. then it began again. the bullying was now at a High school level and more intense and threatening. Long story short, we had dr's notes saying what his diagnosed issues were and how to best deal with it while he was at school. In the meetings, everyone agreed enthusiastically to all the reccomendations and had a "Plan" for him to have a "safeplace" at school when he had anxiety attacks, which was to go to the Counselor or Social workers Office and sit, do his breathing..etc...until it subsided. That worked for about a week, until the Admin. began pushing him to "go to class...you'll be fine" or " Just toughen up and take control of your fears". it only served to make things SO much worse because now he not only feared the bullying, but he also feared the fact that he did NOT have a safe place . in which to ride out his attacks! He began missing tons of school, and of course , the threats of getting the Truency Courts involved. we finally decided the best thing to do would be to withdraw him , so we did. that was in march of his sophomore year, 2008. He decided over the summer that he did not want to Home school, he wanted to GO to a school and have as normal an education as he could. After much searching and interviewing, we found a charter School about 10 miles away and in another district, that we all felt very positive about. He started in aug. of 2008. One thing I was very blunt about in our interview with the dean of Students and Principle about was that our Son was an exemplary student since Kindergarten,as well as very intelligent, he wasn't coming as a problem child looking for a school to deal with his dicipline issues, he had none, and all his school records could prove that. He was coming as a young man who was the victim of bullying/harrassment that indeed CAUSED his emotional issues, and I needed to have their solemn word that they understood his needs and that THEY were serious about providing those needs to him for the entire time he attended that school, not just on paper or in his 501 plan, but day to day, class by class. I'm extstatic to say it has been a wonderful year in the new school!! He has still had MANY issues related to his Anxiety,depression and PTSD, BUT we have had NO pressure from the school. In fact, they have bent over backwards to accomadate,support and encourage him. He got emails from teachers and classmates on a regular basis when he was home for weeks on end, Teachers modified assignments and let him complete work at home and email/fax it back to them. He found he really DOES have a "safe place" when he's at school and has attacks. It's truely an answer to MUCH prayer.

In hind sight, I wish we would have not been so willing to go along with all the excuses and Admin. babble we got for years, when the bullying began in 5th grade. His diagnosis from 2 different Dr's ( Psychiatrists) is that it is directly from bullying/harrassment he's endured since he was 9-10 in school. Actually, it was a series of comments my son made to me that really made me stop and look at it in a different light. He's asked " so, I have to change who i am, and what i believe and become a bully and hit people and be mean in order to go to school and get an education?" " Don't grown ups have rights to protect them at thier jobs against people at work who harrass them everyday?" " wouldn't a grown up who hit another grown up be arrested?" see, he saw the way we conducted ourselves as Adults, and expected our kids to learn and abide by, but at school, those same standards didn't apply!!

Bullying/harrassment and assault are distructive behaviors, at any age. I am now dealing with the results, and it is nothing compared to what our son is dealing with in his own mind and heart. He didn't create or want any of these problems. I pray that this course can help him become the person God intended him to be and fight through all the low self esteem, depression and anxiety, so he can live a happy prosperous life. I also pray that I learn ways to cope and help him move through this ordeal. I'm still learning about all these issues and how they effect him.
This forum looks like it will be a place I'll frequent a lot for support and insight. I hope I'll be able to contribute as well.
thanks for letting me vent.....sometimes I think that's the best therapy ever!!

Justa Mom