Hi everyone-

This post is partly about anxiety and partly just about normal child related worries....

My husband and I have been talking about having a second child. We have a two year old boy, who is wonderful. I REALLY want to have another baby, but am so terrified of it.

I have pretty bad anxiety (but it's been allot better since starting Zoloft a month ago). I am scared about not being able to handle the extra stress and work of another child. My husband is concerened that my anxiety may get worse. I had post partum depression after our son was born and hubby remembers it very well

I have so many questions. Can someone with anxiety mother two children? Does the first child's life get worse after a new baby comes along? How on earth do you get a shower, breastfeed - leave the house - with two young kids? Will I be bale to love another baby as much as my first?

I hear so many negative things about the birth of a second child - like that the parents never have time for eachother and that the marraige often fails. That life is twice as stressful with two. That's it's almost impossible to get out of the house or go anywhere with two.

I really don't want my son to grow up as an only child. And as scared as hubby and I get about having another - we both really want to. I am just so terrified!

I know this is along post, with allot of questions. Any thoughts on this would be so appreciated. Thank you!!

-Cheyenne

Cheyenne,

I can't tell you what life with two is like because I have an only child, but I CAN tell you that I regret having only one. My son is six now and begs for siblings and it breaks my heart. My reasons for not having more were the same as the fears you expressed. I just wasn't sure I could handle it with an anxiety disorder. Now that I have recovered, I wish I had just gone ahead and done it. Quite honestly, I hear more parents of onlies say they wish they'd had another than those who are content with one. And I have never heard anyone with two or more say they wished they'd stopped at one. Once you have that second child, you won't be able to imagine life without him or her, just like with your first. Still... you have to do what is right for you and then make the best of it. There are pros and cons for every type of family unit, and you have to focus on making whatever yours is the best it can be.

Do you have the MWC program? It might be a good idea to get through that first and at least get your anxiety under control before trying to get pregnant... it will make the whole process more enjoyable and give you confidence.

Good luck with your decision!

Jen

Cheyenne~

Your topic of having a second (or in my case another) child is really on my heart!

I have three children all of which I had while being an anxious mom, which I still am.

To answer your questions; Yes you can be a mother to two and have anxiety. Your first born child's life will not get worse only enriched by the blessing of a sibiling! As far as showering and being able to accomplish the tasks of the day it will take time to adjust but it does regardless of the number of children you have. You would loved #2 with all your heart...trust me! They will be as wonderful as can be. And your longing and questioning about having another is proof that your heart has a void.

I agree with Jen in saying finish the program really go through it. I need to do that before I become pregnant again. I would love to have #4! My heart aches to have another it bothers me through out my day! I had my first 3 So young that it will be a huge adjustment my oldest is 14!

The negative things you hear about a second child basically breaking up a marriage is just not true nor fair to the child! The marriage was the issue and not the baby!

You can do this follow your heart, breathe, think positive, and soon enough you'll be baby dancing!

Take Care

Julie

I really agree with Julie too on this.. I am a mom of 3 kids. I have had anxiety for quite sometime now and believe me it is tough but being a mom is tough wheather you have one or more than one child. All 3 of my kids are great kids and they love each other a lot. They fight a lot like all siblings do at some point, but when it comes down to it, they are all there for each other no matter what.
I whole heartedly feel that you will be able to be a mom to more than one child. You will be fine.. There are a lot of women out there who deal with anxiety every day and have many children. It is hard, but you will learn to adjust to it. When i had my second child, i was so worried about being able to be a mom to 2 kids.. But you know what? It almost seems to just come naturally to us moms that we can adjust and do it with no problem.. I think you will be just fine.
Good luck and god bless you..

Hi cheyenne:

I completely know how you feel. I have a five year old son and am dying to try to get pregnant with another child. However, my anxiety is very bad, even with going through the program. I still avoid a lot of situations (agoraphobic) or have a lot of discomfort/anxiety doing it. I was on paxil in the past and did very well. I weaned off a year ago in the hopes of trying to conceive but the anxiety has been so bad that my husband and I haven't even tried. Can I ask you...do you plan on staying on the zoloft while pregnant?? Do you have anxiety when going to the doctor?? I would love to keep in touch with you as I have talked to Julie quite often about the subject. I think we need to be eachother's support system since we all wish for the same thing. I think that somehow we will find the strength to do this even with the anxiety .

Donna

HI Cheyenne, I'm struggling with this myself for a couple of years actually. I have two and the anxiety didn't start until after i had my 2nd. You will love your 2nd just as much as your 1st believe me, you couldn't imagine what it is like before you have him/her! You adjust with the 2nd, to me it wasn't much different than having the one, just more juggling i guess. I'm still anxious and am on zoloft as well. My docs have assured me that it is the safest for pregnancy but i still get anxiety. I worry so much about being pregnant and not being able to handle it. I have wanted another child for so long and i probably would have a alot more if it wasn't for this anxiety. I don't have any answers for you but hopefully we can get through this together.
Carol

Thank you to everyone who replied to my post - I appreciate all your thoughts and advice so much.

I am pretty sure that we will have a second child - I just keep chickening out when it comes down to it. I really feel that I will regret not having another down the road, if we don't. Guess I just need to take the leap. It just feels like such a big leap!! But i do feel encouraged by the things you all wrote - thanks again.

I really appreciate the support here. I do know some women who ahve more than one child - but none of them have anxiety - and don't understand the whole new dimension and list of struggles that it adds to the mix!

I hope you all have a good Friday and a good day with your little ones. Take care and thanks again!

-Chyenne

Chyenne,

You said you have a two year old. You also said you keep chickening out when it comes down to having another child....

Here is my question to you, that you don't have to give me the answer, but maybe just think about it...

What if you wait a couple more years? I have a very good friend who has a 6 year old, and she just had another baby, and that works just fine. There is no rule that the children have to be a certain age apart, is there? To have an older sibling like this is very beneficial for everyone...the older sibling can take better care of themselves, and they are also more able to help you take care of baby. No more questions about how to take a shower...

I have a four year old. I would love to have more children, but I am waiting to see how life goes and how I feel. It is true, what everyone has said. Once you have your child there, you cannot and don't want to imagine life without them. You will adjust and do everything you need to do. But there is no reason to rush into it, to have it happen by a certain time. Look back at your life. I bet a LOT has happened, just in one year. So who knows how you will feel in a couple of years? You may be over your anxiety, ready to take it on, instead of going into it with trepidation and fear.

I think you should listen to your self. Your soul. If you are feeling like it is not yet the right time, don't rush it. You have time. You have plenty of time.

All the Best,
Rebecca

Becca:

Do you mind if I ask how old you are? See, I have a five and half year old and I'm 33 soon to be 34. I feel like my time is running out as far as this anxiety goes. All the what if's keep playing...what if I wait another year or two and then can't get pregnant...or what if I wait a couple more years and I STILL have anxiety...or what if I wait and then I get sick or something happens...How do we stop worrying about all the what if's... I keep thinking if I don't move on it soon, I will never have another one. YET, it is so hard to even think about conceiving when your feeling hopeless and caught up in this horrible anxiety. See, I purchased the program and did the entire thing..(you would never guess, huh?) But for some reason I can't seem to let go of the anxiety or I'm still afraid of it!! IT sucks.. I know it definitely has to do with my inner diaglogue but I don't believe the positive things I say to myself. HOWEVER, hearing you talk about doing things when the time is right sounds comforting and reassuring to all of us. Thanks.

Donna

Donna,

Yes, you may ask me my age...I will be 34 in August. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you feel like time is running out. Sometimes that is the focal point of my anxiety...and it's a horrible feeling. I went through a period where I thought that I just HAD to get pregnant again, because Marisa (my daughter) is going to be 2, and by the time I have the baby, she'll be 3, and she has to be this many years apart or else...and also I wonder about my body and what it is capable of. How long do I have? Since I didn't recieve a copy of my body's owner's manual at birth, I don't have the answer! lol

I guess after a lot of journaling, thinking, dreaming, etc., I came to this conclusion: my daughter came to me in a perfect way at the perfect time. She wasn't planned. In fact, I thought I was incapable of even having children, so imagine my surprise when I was pregnant.

Add that to the belief that I hold that children pick their parents. I imagine them up in the clouds, staring down at us, and pointing, saying, "this one...I want this one, right there, right now!" How else can one explain why some people try and try and try and cannot have children, and others try everything in their power to prevent it, and get pregnant anyways? (My best friend got pregnant when she was on the birth control shot. It's supposed to be fool-proof. Another friend of mine got pregnant after having her tubes tied.) My point is, I believe that we actually have NO power over this decision. We can influence it a bit, but the reality is it is out of our hands. Something bigger is at work here. Call it God, Destiny, The Universe, whatever, but it is much bigger than us, and knows exactly what we need, and when we need it.

I bet Frankie is an absolute doll. I bet that he came to you in a perfect way. I bet you wouldn't trade him for the world. You have a good track record already then. Why worry about what's next? It will come. It will be.

As far as worrying about your anxiety...people worry about MANY things when talking about having children. Some have a monetary goal, like, "we have to have xxx amount of dollars before we can have a baby". Some have an age limit. But the reality is, it is not truly our decision. And no matter how it works out, it works out. It's the same with anxiety, I think. You will make it through. You already are making it through. You have a wonderful child and you are making it.

I dunno, I had to shift my attitude to this because it brought me comfort and kept me from going crazy. Somehow I like to think that it's not all up to me. It takes the pressure off. I can't mess this up, you see. Also, I like to believe that life unfolds in the best way possible. I like where I am now, and everything that has happened in my life has brought me to this moment, and when I think of that then I realize that it must continue on like this. Things won't stay the same, but they will always bring me to my next moment that I can cherish.

Blah, blah blah!

Ask me a question...oh dear.

Love from one bad a*** 33 year old mom to another,
Rebecca

Rebecca:

You have a wonderful attitude! Thank you so much for replying to my post. I am so blessed to have my son, he is the best thing that ever happened to me, truly. I mean he can be a wild man and drive me nuts but he definitely is the love of my life. I put way too much pressure on myself because I would like him to have another sibling and it really boils down to feeling like some kind of failure because of the anxiety and how it basically cripples my life in a big way. I'm so scared of everything. Lately I feel so uncomfortable even riding in the car with my mom in case I have a panic attack. The big thing is definitely the way I talk to myself because hearing everyone on these boards..their attitudes are so much better than mine!! I am so negative, it isn't even funny. AND I'm always thinking poor me, poor me...I have a racing heart, and I'll probably never have another child because I'm too f**ked up,etc, etc. I really need to change my inner dialogue but it's SO HARD. I'm glad we chatted and I liked your long email..lol..I like the way you think of things..I know that basically everything is in God's hands. My friend's son who is only 9 years old is dying from a brain tumor after a year of radiation, chemotherapy...and it's so sad. I just keep finding these things so depressing and I'm so scared something will happen to my son and yet I want another child. It's these crazy fears that I really need to try to control. Do you experience the same things with your anxiety???

Well, I've chatted long enough...please keep in touch...

Love the other bad a** mom..lol

Donna

Rebecca~

Great point about not needing to rush. I myself will have a great age gap(almost like two families) when we decide to have more.

You are so right about there not being a rule I needed to read that! As an anxious person I am always placing rules and expectations on myself that just don't need to be!

Thank you for posting!

Julie

Julie,
I'm glad you were able to grab something from my long, long rhetoric (!) and find something useful. I used to have this idea of ages and stuff, and when I let go of it, I felt much better. Where do we come up with our rules, anyways?

Donna,
Thanks for thinking I have a wonderful attitude. But that doesn't come easy sometimes, or I wouldn't be here! And boy, can I relate when you say he drives you nuts and is the love of your life...I think it's the age, the non-stop energy, the "look at me, look at me!!" OHHH! Is it exhausting sometimes! *smile*

The thing that has helped me the most in easing my panic attacks, and this may sound weird, is letting them come. That's right. Encouraging them. I've noticed that nobody else can tell if I am having one or not, unless I tell them. Nobody can feel or know what is going on inside my head. Just me. And I also know that a panic attack cannot kill me. The worst thing it can do to me is make me horribly uncomfortable, depressed and annoyed. But I can survive that. I can get through it. How long have you been afraid? How long have you known this crippling fear? Are you still among us? You are already surviving this. It hasn't stopped you yet. And it's been a long time. (I don't care, 5 minutes in this state is an eternity!) So already you KNOW deep inside you, YOU ARE STRONG. You cannot deny this. You are a strong, wonderful woman. Look at your son. Look at what you have created. You are so powerful. Just let yourself accept this. It is your truth. All the rest is a lie. It's not real. You will see this if you can let your fear be with you. Try to feel every aspect of it. TRY. Notice every detail. It can't hurt you. The irony is, when you do this, it disappears. Honestly. You can't have panic attacks when you are not afraid.

As far as all of the scary thoughts and what if's out there, two things have helped me through these (because YES, I get them, ALOT!) The first is recognizing what I don't have any control over. If my daughter is in a car accident, gets cancer, some aweful nasty thing happens, or if I die and my hubby is out of town and she is all alone and nobody knows to help her...these are some of my less lovely thoughts. But I have to realize that if these things are going to happen, there is no way for me to stop them. There is nothing I can do. I have a choice here. I can sit and think about them and worry about them and get all worked up...and they will either happen or they won't happen. My worrying won't stop them. But chances are, these things won't happen anyways. So there...I've wasted time and energy worrying when I could have been thinking of a fun activity for us, watching a movie, cleaning the house, or countless other things.

The second thing that helps me is that I have found someone that I see REALLY makes things happen in his life. He seems unstoppable. This person happens to be my hubby, but anyone that you really admire and respect will work here. My man can do anything, darned if he can't. It's amazing watching him in action. So...what I do is I take the worries that I have and run them by him. For example, I told him I thought his sister didn't like me. I told him how that made me feel. He then tells me his take, his perspective on these issues. Like in the case of his sis, he says, "well, if she's mad at you for xxx reason, YOU know that's not true, so really it's her problem. And if she doesn't like you for it, she is lacking information and doesn't know you, and all of this is HER problem, not yours. Maybe someday she will see the truth, but it's not really your thing." Ok, this is a bad example...When I tell him that sometimes I am afraid he will be in a plane crash, and I worry that he won't return to me, he says that he thinks that from time to time too, but he just looks at the thought and then pushes it away. He just starts thinking about something else. To him, thinking about this FEELS bad, so why would he continue?

My point is, if you can find someone that you respect and admire and can occassionally run your thoughts by them and get their reactions...it may be a big help. Sometimes they can tell you a new way to think about something, and sometimes they agree with you and tell you they think about that too, which then you feel relieved because you are not crazy, what you are thinking is normal.

The last thing that I have been toying with is I write in my journal some positive what if's. I figure since I am so darned good at what iffing, I should see if I can come up with some happy ones for a change. I have had alot of fun with this, and sometimes it just puts the brakes on the ol' yucky stuff and cheers me up. What if my daughter becomes a famous actress? What if we win the lottery? What if my hubby breaks in to the music industry? What if I feel great tomorrow? What if I become a successful novelist? ... You get the point. I actually imagine these things as fully and with as many details as possible, and write it all down. It starts a beautiful snowball that I like. It gives me GOOD feelings instead of bad. It's silly, I know...what are my chances of winning the lottery? But really, what are the chances of my daughter having cancer suddenly...they are equally unlikely. So when I feel my crazy thoughts coming on, I try to replace them with my good crazy thoughts. Crazy, eh?

Look at me go!! I can do this now because Marisa is visiting her bio father, because otherwise she would be interrupting me and pulling on me and saying, "LOOK AT ME!!!!!" How nice it is to be able to complete a thought!!

Have a great Sunday!
xo
Rebecca

Thanks again for your post Becca. I actually printed it out so I can read it when I'm feeling down and anxious...which is a lot. My email is campedy@aol.com if you'd ever like to chat..it would be great. It's just very hard dealing with the "real" stuff too. Like my friend's son's illness. Anytime we even have to talk about it, I can feel so dizzy and like my throat is closing. I know it's just anxiety from hearing about how absolutely painful this is and thinking about this poor kid suffering...it gets me crazy. But, I have to be strong for her in someway and also TRY NOT to think about it too much b/c it does become to upsetting and I start to worry about losing people in my family. It's best to say...I'm not going to worry about that now... I'm here in the present with my family and very blessed. That's what I have to concentrate on b/c all any of us really have is the present moment which is always the hardest to just "stay in"...

I actually just walked the dog around the block and I started to feel anxious...I could feel my heart racing (it just tends to do that probably from all this stored STress..lol) and I said to myself NO...do not be tricked by this..it's only fear and anxiety...keep going and you'll be fine..go through the discomfort, it will pass) and thank God it did. I sometimes run home b/c I'm afraid. BUT, I know that's the wrong move.

You know what really gets me though, I had some really bad panic attacks...one time my hands curled up from hyperventilating...Nothing happend, I didn't collapse or anything and once I calmed down, they relaxed. (The dr said that will happen if you are breathing too rapidly) NOw I also know how to calm my breathing so I need to remember that. But, that's what makes me nervous..those bad ones. Another time my heart was racing so bad..it felt like I was going to go into atrial fibrillation (which happened to me once b/f when I wasn't having anxiety...it kind of just happened for a reason we don't know)...ANYWWAY, it's these fears I have to come to pass. LIKE YOU SAID..I"M STILL HERE among the living as everybody else is who had panic attacks. That's what I have to keep reminding myself instead of saying ...the next one is going to be horrible.

ONE last thing, I set an appointment with the ob/gyn to discuss having another child...and also to discuss the possibility of taking meds during the pregnancy in case I should conceive when I'm ready. (I just want to be prepared) Hopefully, she won't find that to be too stupid. BUT, I'm nervous already..I hate doctor's offices and I hate waiting in the room for them to come in... all the anxious symptoms will be there..heart, breathing, etc. ANy pointers or words of encouragement?

Thanks so much...take care, have a wonderful Sunday as well!!!

Love,
Donna

Donna,

I have a girlfriend that was on antidepressants during her pregnancy. Her son is now 3, and while he is quite intelligent and very sweet, he exhibits signs of autism. There is no evidence that this was due to the meds she was on, but unfortunately it is something she will always wonder and think about. So I think that is something to keep in mind. Every baby born can have complications, even if you have the best diet, the best exercise and sleep and take the best care of yourself. So imagine if you were taking a med, something happens, and then you forever are left with questions as to whether you are the cause of it or not. It's an ugly situation.

Are you on meds now? Have you explored alternative therapies/nutritional healing? There could be some very basic deficiencies in your diet which cause you to magnify these bad feelings of anxiety. It is possible that with correction, some symptoms can be decreased, made more managable, and even disappear.

There are two books that I recommend for this. One is "The Mood Cure", by Julia Ross, MD. The book begins with a little self-assessment test that you take, and your answers guide you to the sections of the book that you need to look at. She explains everything very clearly and her recommendations helped me out of a deep, dark hole. The other book is great for everything, it's called "Prescription for Nutritional Healing" by Dr Balch. This book lists everyday, common illnesses and diseases (and anxiety is in there, as well as depression)and gives you information about it as well as recommendations for possible vitamin/mineral etc. deficiencies and herbs and other possible healing methods.

By following the advice in these two books, as well as doing my program, I have really found a peaceful, happy place.

What does your hubby think of having a baby now?

xo
Rebecca