Hi, I'm Karin, I'm a newbie here and I really could use some advice/support.

I'm struggling with a new marriage and trying to figure out how to fit into my new husband's life/expectations. I have two sons from my first marriage, they are 8 and 4. They both have special needs - my 8 yr old is mildly autistic, and my 4 yr old has ADHD ODD. My new husband has two sons also, a 15 yr old and a 5 yr old. It's been difficult trying to patch a family together and make things work so that all the kids feel equal. It was fine at first, but now most of the time it doesn't work.

Increasingly, my husband is showing a great deal of dislike for my kids. He says they are rude, ill-mannered and misbehave. This is not true at all, in fact, my kid's teachers and friends all comment on what nice kids they are, and what a pleasure they are to have around. They do have special needs, and can be trying at times, but I think generally they are good boys. I think my husband is frustrated at having to share his 5 yr old with his ex-wife, and is projecting it onto me and my boys - as if we are partially responsible. It's just a messed up situation all around. My kids' dad doesn't even visit them, he is mentally ill, and I guess it's better to not have him around anyway.

I've struggled with depression for 8 years now, and am on disability for it. My new husband knew this going into our relationship, and used to be supportive and caring. Lately, however, all he can do is find fault with everything that I and my kids do. He objected to me giving my kids inexpensive T shirts yesterday, "because it's too close to Christmas". (They are Christmas shirts.) I've tried to make our home warm and welcoming, baking cookies and decorating for the holidays, but he doesn't seem to want me to do this....almost seems like he resents it, and resents the holidays. I am so baffled by what's going on, I don't know which end is up.

Last night he flipped out on my kids at the dinnertable, and we ended up having a huge screaming match. He made me feel like everything I do is wrong, and I get the impression that if it's not how he'd do something he doesn't like it, yet he keeps saying we are supposed to be partners. I am alone most of the time, he works 12 hour days, and has other activities (soccer and music gigs) four nights a week, leaving me alone with the kids and the house. I feel ignored, shoved aside, and very unloved.

If I knew there was someone who would love my children and take care of them, I probably would drive off a bridge. But I can't, because there's no one to take care of them or love them. I'd go to the hospital, but once again, there would be no one to take care of my kids, and it would be viewed as a bad, selfish decision on my part. My therapist quit practicing in August, and I haven't found another one yet, so I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do.

Christmas is just a few days away, and honestly, I don't want to even acknowledge it. What for? I know I will put on my game face and pretend for my kids sake, but my heart is crying and broken. I had such high hopes for this marriage, for a new life and secure home for me and my boys. But my husband has turned into someone I don't even reconize anymore....a stranger who is constantly telling me that I suck. I don't know if he's hating Christmas this year because it's the first year he doesn't have his son with him (his 15 yr old is going to his mom's too, so my husband won't have either of his kids this year for the holidays). But it doesn't give him the right to take it out on me and my kids, and to make Christmas horrible for us, and treat us like we are leftovers. I don't even want to be here for Christmas. Why bother?

I don't know what to do. Sorry for such a long and rambling first post...I know I have a messed up life.... I've tried putting it back together, but the superglue just doesn't seem to work.

Karin

Dear Karin,

I am sorry you are going through much emotional pain right now. To me, it seems your husband is under stress and lashing out at the family. Have you tried to have a heart-to-heart with him? It is very hard to blend families. Everyone is carrying around their own hurts and disappointments. Tell your husband you love him and want so much to have a happy family and you think you both might need some skills to do that because blending families is not an easy task. There are two really good books out, Relationship Rescue and Family Strategies (I think that's the name) by Dr. Phil. Maybe you and your husband could set aside a time at night (20 minutes or so) to read one of these books. And after reading for that night you can discuss your concerns and dreams for the family. This might be a nice neutral way to discuss things and you both can talk about your dreams and wishes for you and your family and how you would like things to run. Your husband may be experiencing stress and frustration and not know how to voice it other than lashing out when irritated. These books can help greatly with communication.

It sounds like you are trying very hard to set up a nice life for your family. You are doing a wonderful thing for you boys, keeping up the holiday spirit and giving them much love. Are you doing Lucinda's program? The skills in the program will greatly help you manage your feelings and outlook on life. It is so important we take care of ourselves, it sounds to me like you are doing an excellent job of taking care of the children, I hope you are taking care of you too. Fill your mind with loving statements and reward yourself for all that you have accomplished. You are a strong, determined lady Karin. I see it in your post. Your loving spirit shines through. I know you want the best for your family and yourself. Communication will get you there. I hope the best for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Best wishes,

Karin,

First off, I am sorry you are having so many difficulties in your marriage and that you're in the state of mind you're currently in. I'm obviously not a therapist but I think the first thing you should do is open the lines of communication between you and your husband. As Hope4Peace said, I think you need to have a heart to heart converstation with him also. Tell him how his actions or inactions are making you feel. Tell him that his avoidance or attitude toward your children is hurting the both of you emotionally. Broken bones cannot heal until they are mended properly. If you cannot speak to your husband about your feelings then you need more options for support. You need more contact with others who have the same situation you are going through. Please keep searching for a new therapist that can get you through this rough spot. And, also understand that is what is going on right now...a rough spot. Taking your own life to escape your situation is not responsible to your children so that thought should not cross your mind anymore. I wish I could offer more advice but understand that everyone who reads your post here can empathize with you and relate in some manner. Please keep your chin up and press on with working things out.

This is the way I see it. You can try the communications thing, (I have a suspicion you have already done this, though), or you can keep putting up with this and end up in worse shape than you already are. My opinion is to not stay with someone who does not truely love and respect both you and your precious children. It sounds like a loosing battle to me. It seems as though he is jealous of your children. If he is showing a great deal of dislike for your children like you stated, I would get away from him, so your children will not end up hurt and confused. It just sounds like he is being a real jerk for whatever reason, and there is no excuse for it. Life is too short to put up with garbage like this.

Hi,

I agree, communication is very important. However, it would be just as great, if not better, to find someone to talk to outside of your family unit. You mentioned that your therapist stopped practicing a few months ago. Maybe there are other avenues - a local pastor, a counselor through the YWCA (they usually provide therapy for women and/or family members in difficult family situations) or maybe even a referral through the United Way. I am sure there are resources out there that could help you, possibly on sliding scale. You also mentioned you were on "disability" - I assume that means through your employer? If so, is there an Employee Assistance Program that your emplyer offers as a benefit? That might be an avenue to seek help from a therapist at no cost (I believe they give you a certain # of visits for free). In any event, some one on one time for you seems like a good idea. It might help you to get a clearer picture of what's going on and, by extension, some tips/tools to help yourself as well as your family situation. An impartial third party is oftentimes a good resource.