Well, this is tough to post. But it, I think, is at the heart of a lot of my anxiety issue. I feel like my dd deserves such a better life...somedays all I can do is sit on the couch for fear of anxiety. I feel myself kind of "avoiding" her...I am wondering if this stems from my fear of being inadequate? I am the type that finds it extremely hard to just sit down and play with her or do things constructive with her. This I am thinking leads to a lot of guilt which just continues to feed the cycle.
Lately I feel like all we do is run to the dr for me to be checked out for my latest health isse or anxiety problem...
I am going to start setting small goals of constructive things I can do in small bits with her throughout the day.
I'm just wondering if any Moms can relate and how you overcame those issues of guilt and finding it hard to be a Mom? I also fear that she has seen so much of my anxiety that those will be her memories (she is 3 1/2).
TIA!

I empathize with you soooo much. I think with her only being 31/2 you are okay, but will want to be careful of what she sees and hears.

I have two daughters aged 3 and 9. I feel like a horrible mother because I have the same issues you do, and now my 9 year old comes to me at least once a week with "scary thoughts". Last night she asked me if her heart would stop when she was sleeping, or if her breathing would stop and if so, does dying hurt, and what if she dies before me, etc. It makes me so sad and I feel so horrible because she clearly gets this from me and more specifically, it is likely from hearing me fret about whatever my illness of the week is.

I asked her last night to give me her scary thoughts to hold, and the poor thing wrote them all down and ended the letter with "in case I die before you always remember me and I love you, Mommy". I cried for hours after she went to bed.

It is horrible for children to go through this, but things that help are things I got from the Program, "taking" her thoughts from her, having her turn her "what-ifs" into good what-ifs, and even throwing the scary thoughts out the front door. I'm going to have her pediatrician reassure her at her next physical as well. Unfortunately, my mother passed away too young, and my daughter was really close to her and is painfully aware that my grandmother outlived my mother, so my daughter fears dying young. At 9 years old that makes me heart-sick.

Please share any tips you have, too, and remember that we are not bad mothers, we are good mothers with a bad condition. And we love our children and are trying to make their lives easier than ours.

Tara

I love it that you are making goals...be sure to Write them down. (proven that this leads to successful completion) Remember our expectations of ourselves is extremely High...you are probably doing better than you think.

Also, I think you will find that the bottom line is just plain Fear of having uncomfortable feelings. ? So --- this is a Great op for you to practice what soothes those feelings and manages them...don't smack me

Just Do it.

After I recovered I apologized to my children for all my temper tantrums, the missed events, the slamming doors and crying... (it is still a regret) My oldest daughter tilted her head to one side and said, "But Mom, you forget, we got to see you get better." Ahhh-that helped. Carolyn

P.S. So, remember you are teaching her coping skills too.

THANK YOU, Carolyn--that is really inspiring. I remember you talking on the tapes about how your kids ended up being just fine...

Tara

Oh boy can I relate. My children (1 of my own & 3 step that live with us) are ALL teenagers. They are always on the go & often ask "when can we all go out to dinner together" or "when can we go back to the lake" etc. That is where big part of my guilt stems from...that & the fact I'm always saying no to my husband when he wants to go out to dinner..etc. I force myself sometimes, but had a couple times I had to leave & go to the car which embarrassed me more & made me feel like I was ruining their time. I am working through this myself right now. I know I should do as Carolyn says & just DO IT. But it's so hard for me when the body symptoms are sooooooo intense. DaughterofSarah...maybe you could start slowly and just get some little games or something that she could sit by you on the couch & you could do together at first.
Then take a little bigger step & do a short activity outside & gradually lengthen the time & activities. Heck..I'm no pro..here..just thought "baby steps" will seem easier to handle for you. I feel compassion for you because I know your struggle. Maybe we can take baby steps together. Have a Blessed day.

Oh..Btrfly..I forgot to say.. Good for you! You are using what you are learning & I'm sure that is going to be very beneficial to your children. My son is anxious too...a "hand-me-down" that I didn't really want to pass on. At least now we can pass on what we learn to them as well.

I certainly understand and know well the heart ache involved with having this condition and raising children. I guess the beautiful part of them being exposed to it is that the are also exposed to the healing process. My kids are 5, 4 & 1 and I have them do my relaxation cd with me (of course, not the 1 yr old). I'm of the opinion that anyone can benefit from a good set of healthy coping skills and especially me and my children.
Hats off to all of us. We are not bad parents, we are good parents. A bad mother wouldn't even care about how her child is affected. And a bad mother certainly wouldn't share the skills she's learning with her children. Kudoos to you!! You are a GREAT mother, because you are doing the best you can with what you have and you are getting more and more each day!!

daughterofsarah,
your not a bad mom, none of us are. I understand the guilt you feel. its just plain hard to be a mom with or without anxiety.
there are no handbooks, and you do the best you can. My anxiety didnt start till my kids were 5 and 6 yrs old. But when it did,, it came with a "Bang".
Ill spare you the details, but till my kids graduated from high school, i was pretty much housebound. I missed all their little programs, the awards ceremony from school. My husband did all that stuff for me. If id known back then what i know now,, whoa nelly, things would have been different.
But things were the way they were. I was the best mom i could be, under the circmstances i was in. I cant take back any of the years i lost, so im pushing on with the years i have left, making the MOST of every moment, with my kids and grandkids.
You can overcome this, do all you can do now, dont miss the school functions, or awards, go to the PTA meetings at your childs school. Shes 3 and 1/2 but whether you "feel"like it or not, play tea party with her, or let her help you make cookies. It will help distract your mind, and give you quality , fun, cherished moments with your daughter.
Goals are awesome, start small, work your way up. Take time to be good to yourself to, and stop the GUILT in its tracks!!!
We may never know the why of this disorder, but we can Know the How to get past it.. Take care Nelly

bad mom yep..I know the feeling..anorexic daughter..When I talked to my daughter, who is going to school in the fall, the youngest, about how bad I felt that Iwas not home when she got home from school she said..well mom, we kind of liked when you weren't home..when you came in we had to do stuff....hmm NOt really what you want to hear..but not the oh if you would only have been here and not neglected me, that I was thinking either..Anyway, it is kind of a trip being a mom either way, sick, well there will be things you wish you had done differently..you only get now so don't lose it worrying about what you could or should have done!!

Gosh, are we in the same boat or what??? I also have a lot of guilt about my anxiety and panic attacks and doctors visits and how it will affect my 5 year old and 3 year old! Lately I've tried to hide it because my daughter really picks up on it. My mother is a very nervous person and over reactor as the program says and I know I got it from her. I dont' want my daughter or my son to pick up this obsessive worry like i have. That's a great idea to share elements of the program with them like positive what if's. I'm just so glad I got this program - I'm just in week 2, but I have met a lot of people that are going through what I've been through and it is comforting to know I'm not alone.

hey to whom ever wrought .
i can understand the feeling of that my daughter is 1 /12 an most of are outings are to the doc.. all the time i feel i shouldnt be taking her its to the point she loves going to see all the people there she knows it all to well. an just the other day i was crying about it to my boyfriend an he understands but know i take her out all the time now that i got a bit better cause before mommy never went out at all. so i can understand.

The guilt ends now!! You are follwing the program and that's all that matters. You are getting better now. I personally erased ALL incidents of guilt. My kids (now age 7 1/2 and 5) know all to well "mommy has to go to the doctor again". Worst case scenerio was when they accompanied me for cancer treatments 3 times a week for 6 months. Can you actually beleive, I had a real medidcal problem (I am a hypocondriac). 80 percent of all other doctor visits were unnecesary. VERY IMPORTANT...I overcame those issues of guilt when I told myself, "At least my kids have a mother and I am alive"!!!! Just continue to work on the positive aspects of your life and everything will work out. Mental note: I started with baby steps...went to the park for 10 minutes, went home, went back for 20 minutes, went home, etc.

[quote from Carolyn] "Also, I think you will find that the bottom line is just plain Fear of having uncomfortable feelings. ? So --- this is a Great op for you to practice what soothes those feelings and manages them..."

This is huge!! This perfectly describes me right now. I fear yucky feelings and blow them into more than they are. They're probably SO normal. Like worried about being a good mom...those of us who care and try our best are great moms, but we question it because we feel funny. It'll get easier. The key is to keep trying our best and that may mean baby steps. I just found out I'm pregnant and the changes are pretty scary, but again, it's the fear of change and yucky feelings that get to me. But, it'll get easier.
I don't recall who started this post, but I bet you're a great mom and love your kids with all your heart. Keep it up. God didn't promise an easy life, but He certainly promises to give us the strength to get through and enjoy His blessings.

Have any of you considered, or had your kids see a therapist?

I'm trying really hard with Jordan, my 9 year old, to dissuade her worries, but they are beginning to approach the level of mine (hypochondriac and fear of death). Last night she asked me what if her scary thoughts never go away and she grows up and kills herself because she is tired of them? That terrified me. I do NOT want my kids to live the way that I do, and am not sure what to do...will having her talk to someone make her feel like something is wrong with her, and if not, at what point do you know they need more help than just "Mom reassurance?"

Btrfly..no I have not. But I do keep a close eye on the situation & have told him that if he ever feels too overwhelmed & would like to talk to someone other than myself to please tell me & I will take him for counseling. His father has depression & I have the anxiety. So I know he is predisposed to both. He is older though..17 now. I guess I started approaching him with this around age 14 when he would have episodes of crying & such. He would always get better in a couple of days. He has better coping skills than me! He says "mom..let's not talk about it..if I get my mind off of it & just go do things it usually gets better" I think I add to the worry sometimes by asking him. I can't remember how old your children are...now that I'm in this reply box..but therapy is certainly an option if you feel it is getting way out of hand. Maybe ask them if they are old enough if they would like to talk to someone other than you. I don't know if you are a christian..so if not..I don't want to offend you..but if you are..pray for them. I do a lot of that. Especially when I see them going through a rough patch. I have compassion for you today!