Hi,

Throughout the tapes, Lucinda keeps on stressing on how important your loved ones should try to understand and support you. There's a tape especially for your family members and also a couple of sheets in the workbook they are suppose to read. But what if I am living under an environment where my parents just aren't give me the help and support that I need?

My mother suffers from chronic depression and my father is the sole provider of our family. He is under a lot of stress from work and financially supporting our family. I am currently going to college full-time while suffering from severe Anxiety/Depression for as long as I can remember.

My parents used to be really concerned whenever I have a massive panic attack or am so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. I've had to medically withdrawl from college twice after 2 nervous breakdowns. But after years of getting better and then getting worse again, they just kind of became immune to my problems. They stopped just 'trying to be there for me when I need them' and gradually became really angry and belligerant whenever I would relapse into a panic attack. I feel as if they stopped caring and that they are sick of me as their child. My dad yells at me and threatens to disown me everytime I fail to do something to meet his expectation while my mother either ignores me or critizes something about me, usually my weight (I am 5'5 and weight 128lb).

I tried giving them the materials from the program but nothing's changed. The environment at home is so hostile towards me that I really feel it's best for me just to move out. The problem is that I have no money (It takes all the energy I have just to make it through a day of school that it is impossible for me to get a job). My dad only agreed to pay my tuition if I live at home and commute. I am on my dad's insurance and that's the only way I can afford to see my therapists and get medications. So basically, I have to stay with them for financial reasons but their hostility towards me isn't helping me getting better. If anything, my parents' hostility towards me are usually the triggers to my relapses.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?

hmmm, i used to have this prob, too. my parents never even looked into any help for me at all. i didn't know i was anxiety ridden and depressed until i was out of the house and took the time to investigate it. they'd just get really mad at me for avoiding school and not finishing things, not being able to get out of bed in the morning and catch the school bus. it was MISERABLE and i still deal w/bad feelings toward myself because of that. they made me feel like a total loser - like i was just really lazy and stupid. once i moved out of the house i did much better. i went to college and did very well, then went to law school. they never thought they'd see that happen. i am not lazy, but i do suffer from depression and panic disorder. i am actually quite a perfectionist and very critical of myself, but have the personality of an overachiever much more than an underachiever. but of course my parents never would have figured that out.

i don't know how old you are - but can you think of moving out? do you have other family around that would be okay w/you staying w/them for awhile? maybe if you got yourself out of the negative situation you would find yourself really flourishing. that's sort of what happened to me.

now i'm married and having issues w/my husband, and i'm back into the depression/anxiety cycle. not to blame this on others, but it is odd that this problem seems to be so situation specific...???

Sasha,

I don't want to place any direct blame on parents, BUT the environment in which we grow up has so much to do with how we handle stress. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who enabled him tremendously. He was the focus of the whole family.

People really don't understand anxiety disorder unless they have experienced it. It is the lack of understanding that makes them so hostile. They just want you to pull yourself together and get on with life, right? Believe me I know.

I really think that getting out of the house is your #1 priority. You can't recover in that environment. Can you maybe get a small apartment and have a roommate who can share rent with you? Maybe in order to do this you could go to school part-time and have a part-time job? You may need 2 roommates in order to afford this. Just some ideas. Give yourself more credit for handling things, you are accomplishing a lot by going to college and handling anxiety at the same time. Remember, just float through it! It can't hurt you. Don't let anyone or anything rob you from enjoying your youth!!

Kathy

You are in a tough situation. Someone in our family is going through something similar and just made the decision to move out on her own.

First, you need to decide what your priorities are. Is it going to school? Is it being healthy and safe?

With regards to school, while it would be nice to have someone pay the tuition, you have to be sure it is worth the trade off. You can get a student loan based on your income after being out of your parents house for a year. Before that, it is based on theirs. You work for a year, and then apply for the loans and go back to school. Chances are, based on your income, you would end up getting a Pell Grant which you do not have to pay back. You could also work somewhere that has tuition reimbursement.

For whatever reason, it sounds like your parents have checked out. They have agreed to pay for college tuition if you stay home and commute, but you have to decide if the home life is even conducive to you being successful in college. It won't do you much good to go and have it paid for if you can't make it work because of the mental and emotional side of the equation.

As far as health insurance goes...your covered as long as you are a student, period. Being a studen with your parents paying for your college isn't a stipulation. Furthermore, you can find a job that has insurance benefits. You may have to wait 90 days to get them, but you can get them.

Something else to try -- check your university employment office for job postings. If you can get permanent, full-time employment at a college or university, sometimes they'll cover your tuition (sometimes called a Regents' Scholarship). This isn't a student job, it's a regular job, but you make money and have benefits (including insurance) just like you would at a regular job, plus one of the benefits is that they pay your tuition. The other bonus is, it's on-campus, so you're still in the college environment (lower stress than elsewhere).

My mom did her adult-ed degree this way when she went back to school -- she got a clerk job at the law library, and she not only got her classes paid for, but they let her rearrange her working hours based on her class schedule. Something to look into!

I have had to do most everything on my own since I was 15 yrs old so let me give you some ideas that you can try . I agree that getting out is your #1 priority. Your family sounds like they are just going to sink your self esteem further and further. that won't help you learn to speak positively to yourself.
First...In every city or town there is a mental health clinic that is on a sliding fee scale. All you have to do is find the nearest one to you. they will have therapists and doctors. They also have the ability to provide what they call"state drugs" which means they dramatically reducd the price and charge you according to your income. Then, if you can, get a job. This would help you with your panic a lot because it will force you to focus on somehting outside yourself. I have had to withdraw and drop from school before. It took 15 yrs..but I managed to get 2 mA's .. You can do it ..just keep going. paying for school is no big deal. Just apply for grants. Get the FAFSA form online and apply for the Pell grants and anything else you qualify for. My daughter has a roomate and is making doing all that on her own. (You can save money living in dorms or get a roomate..either way works.) I did that and got thorugh school. for now..just get out of the house..then pick school up next semester. If i was you I would GET OuT. I had to when I was a kid..it was best for my survival. If you think you can be ok there that is different. But only you can decide that. If not..it is totally possible to leave using resources like the onces I talked about above. Most of all...hang on to god..he will make sure you are always ok!
God Bless
Nanapup

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Nanapup,

Sasha,

My heart goes out to you. I have a father who has for most of my life been "sole provider" and my mother struggled w/ mild biopolar. My father has critized me in the past and still does but I am learning to ignore it. I know how it feels when it feels like when it seems your family has given up on you. HOnestly, I feel that they haven't given up on you. It's that they probably feel so powerless in how to help you. However, the things your father say are NOT about you, it is the pain that he is dealing with same with your mother. I know this is a very difficult thing to think about when you are in the moment of their "attacks". But there is a plus to all this. You are actively seeking help [the program]. With time, you will learn to react different. Give yourself praise for returning to school, seeking help...girl you are on your way . Like some of the others have said, there is a way to be able to pay for school without your family's help. I pray for you and your family. Keep the faith and God bless.