I have a problem and I don't know how to handle it. My 19 year old daughter is living at home, professes to be a christian (which I am also), but is hanging out with people who drink, smoke, and do drugs. She sees no problem with this, tries to tell me she doesn't drink and gets very defensive if I bring it up. I have been told that she is drinking heavy, by people I trust. She has been spending more nights at friends houses than she spends at home. She is not working and gets all her money, gas, personal items from her dad and I. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I don't want to push her completely away, we have always been really close. I feel very close to losing it, and that scares me. I have a really hard time with confrontation. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated

Well I have no expert parenting advice since my son is only 16 months old and I am 24 but I am closer to your daughter’s age and I have done what she is doing so I will try to give you advice on what helped me by my family. I was doing the same thing at that age and my family being there was huge for me. Let her know she can always talk to you. At that age I think most teens go through this (whether there parents are aware or not) If she grew up in a Christian home as did I, she will know what she is doing is wrong for some reason at that age we tend to not care as much. Try to talk to her about it. If you come at her very confrontational it will push her away. Try to set up a mother/daughter time to relax and hang out. Then you can talk to her a little. Let her know you are aware of her behavior and what she is doing. Talk to her about the dangers of some of the things she is doing and that you are only concerned not mad. Tell her you love her and that you are always there if she wants to talk. When you push something it tends to only push someone away if you can talk to her as a loving mom and friend it may help. I really hope this helped you. I am no expert just wanted to let you know what helped me out of that rebellious period. Knowing I had a family who loved me and my religious background was a huge help. My mom left me when I was 10 so my older sister was who was really there for me during that period. Good Luck and stay strong. She really does need you even though she has a hard way of showing it. God Bless!!!

Thank you so much for your advice and words or encouragement. I've so wanted to hear from someone closer to her age. I went through the same thing at her age and so I try to remember back to remember what would have helped me. It's just so scary sitting back watching her go through this and feeling helpless. Thank you again

Hi Momgoncrazy,

I know that you love your daughter. It is probably very tough on you as you have to come to terms with a child that is now an adult. I think that all we can do as loving parents is to have faith and trust that we did a good job in raising our children, and understand that when the reach certain ages they want to test boundaries.

It is hard for us to sit, as we may think, idly by, and watch them make mistakes with their lives and you want them to avoid the mistakes you may have made with your own life. I know it was tough for me. If you try to smother them with love or concern you will be met with rebellion, that is in many cases, I don't know about yours.

They are trying to define themselves, and they have to make their choices, and that is what is so hard for the loving parents. We have to bite our tongues, and pray to God that He will protect them and keep them safe. If or when they fall, we just have to be their to let them know we love them no matter what.

Trust in the upbringing and background you tried to instill in her, and let God take charge, and just be ready to pick up any pieces that may coming a knocking.

You probably know this mantra: Let go and let God. This is a prime one for parents with adult children. Believe me, this is just the beginning, wait till they get married, before it is over with, you might not have any tongue left. Cast your worries and concerns onto the cross of Jesus.

I tell you like Jesus said to Peter when Peter was asked 3 times, Do you love me? Peter, said Lord you know I love you, but what about him (referring to John the beloved). Jesus told him (Peter) in so many words: Don't worry about him; you, follow me. Keep your eyes on Jesus and leave it to Him. Your yoke will be so much easier.

Hey Mom...
Nothing is harder than being a parent. I have 2 grown children 20 and 25. One did go out, didn't drink and always took care of her friends.... the other... well, he was a drinker, never admitted it to his father or I, and we almost lost him to suicide! Sorry to put a bad light on the issue, but it is real with kids.
One suggestion, DON'T LET HER STAY WITH FRIENDS. That is a way to check on her status when she comes home. I am sure you have a curfew. Don't be too critcal on a little extra time, but occasionally, wait up and talk with her.
We raised our kids in a Christian home too. In fact, no alcohol. Peer pressure is tough. And, for girls I do think it is worse.
My son is fine now. he is still finding himself, but I wouldn't go back to 20 for all the tea in China!!
Blessings to you. And warm thoughts.

Is it possible to put some collateral damage on her financial resources to see if it sways her direction any? A moratorium so to speak? I am a firm believer of supporting your children both financially and emotionally but I also believe it is a two way street and needs to be earned even at age 19.

Hi all,

I am just laughing and enjoying all the homespun counsel that there is here.

I love Juls line:

quote:

I wouldn't go back to 20 for all the tea in China!!

I am rolling on the floor, because I know and remember the grief and pain of our kids testing our boundaries.

I swear, you have to have the patience of Job, just getting from day to day. I raised my kids just as I had mentioned in my earlier post, and thank God, they are all right.

Oh yeah, they made some really big mistakes, but they are older and hopefully wiser, as they suffered through the consequences of their youthful, let's just call them indiscretions.

They all soon grow up, God willing, and you will be blessed with the gift of reconciliation, and the good that brings with it to your heart. It is truly an awesome experience. I think 1 cup of tea from china, is all you will need.

It's all about love and growing in it

I too have a 19 year old daughter. She is just now finishing up her first year in college but during Xmas break she asked to bring her boyfriend home to visit. I said ok and he stayed with us for a couple of days until she had to return to school. She had met him while attending a college friend's parents' home for a party back in Nov. and I thought that he was just the new romantic interest since she had just finally gotten over the separation with her high school sweetheart of over 2 years once he entered the Marines. Three weeks later she returned with him and he asked me if he could married her. I thought he was talking about sometime in the future once he was licensed as a mechanic and she had her college degree and a job. However, that is not what their plans were. Up until 2 weeks ago, the wedding date was set for this Dec. but I and other family members confronted them and tried to point out the reasons as to why it would be better for them to wait at least a year or more before marrying. The biggest concern was their lack of financial preparation with starting their lives together. I was just told by my daughter two days ago that she is married to this guy and the wedding occurred the evening of her 19th birthday. I wasn't at the ceremony nor even invited and the week before she had called me saying that she needed her birth certificate and social security card because of the school was saying that she and another female student had similar names and information and the documents were needed for confirmation of her identity. I realize now that she told me a big fat lie in order to get those documents in order to obtain her marriage license. I feel so betrayed by her and am reliving a lot of the emotions that I experienced 5 years ago when I discovered the lies told to me by my husband who I divorced once everything came to light and our home had been foreclosed without my knowledge. Her husband, my son-in-law, is really an unknown to me and I feel that he has been manipulating her to where she is willing to give up her own family. I feel that I have lost her and I don't know what to do. I am angry, upset, and very, very hurt. She is my baby and I have had a really hard time with being alone without my kids living at home. Now she has gone and done this. In some ways she is very much like her father and her actions lately seem to confirm this. I fear that for my own piece of mind that I am going to have to cut her out of my life just like I did her father because the pain was too much. I am in counseling right now but my employer only allows 6 free visits before fees must be paid. I have been taking antidepressants for nearly 5 years now and was hoping to be able to finally do away with needing them in order to function. I am praying that by using the program and making use of the peer support group that I will finally be able to change who I am and improve my life.

I know this is an old thread - but wanted to add that this program will help with saying no and doing things you just don't want to do.

You can tell the 19 year old that you will help her out up to a certain date to help get her on her feet, and that she must find a job to help her pay her share of rent or utilities. If you don't want to take money from her, put her money in an account to give to her later (maybe when she goes out on her own or gets married, etc.) that way she is learning to hold her own, also you are learning not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of. This lies on you more than her since it's your home and your money. Remember, she's an adult now.

Also remember, the more you baby her the worse she is for it, you will actually be doing her a favor by giving her wings, assuming she is physcially able to work that is.

Everyone's comments are wonderful. But I had a little different experience with my children. I admit they were a little older than 19 at the time. I love my children dearly and when they were going through these times I had many teary, sleepless nights. However, I always had standards and rules for my home.

They had to work and contribute a few dollars to the house. This worked for a couple of years and when they were about 20, I just told them it was time for them to be on their own. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I found that I would have died from worry, while they are out having a good time.

My children are now 33 and 26 and recently they both thanked me for making them grow up. We are all very close; we see each other a couple of times a week and we try to do something together at least on the weekend. I can finally say my children are my friends.

HI, I just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents. I have 6 children (2 are adopted and had a lot of problems)- only 2 of which are out of the house. I don't know much, but my son went through some similar things. I think what really got him out of it was our relationship. I think it is so important to build the relationship with each of my children, so that they really care about how I'll feel about things and they value my opinion and advice. When they are older, viewing my job as changed has helped me. I am no longer using the same parenting on a child who is an adult (or about to be one) as I did when they were little. I try to get them to see the situation they face and decide what they want for their lives. Are the people they are with the ones that they want to be like? Do they want to promote the life-style that their friends are promoting? If you ask these questions, don't freak if the answer is yes. These questions are building a dialog with your child where you value their opinions. Maybe then asking what things they like about the life-style, friends, etc, but then don't find fault with their answers. After you have proven that you respect their ideas, then they will see you as someone that they can trust. Someone who has wisdom beyond what they have. My son talks to me about all kinds of things. He asks my opinion on many things and he usually follows my advice. He tells his friends how we talk, and I have had a few of them call me to "talk". I am not a liberal parent and I would have never taken this approach with my children when they are younger, but at some point we have to let them go and hopefully we've already taught them how to think on their own, but if we haven't then there's still time. One thing that I think might be an area to consider is the money thing. My children are all required to get a job as soon as they turn 16 (if they want to drive, have a phone, etc), and to pay their own car insurance, gas, entertainment (unless it is a family activity) and cell phone bills. I think builds character and a level of responsibility that prepares them for life. I would really consider cutting down on or eliminating your daughter's reliance on your financial help. Maybe setting up jobs she can do for you to earn money, might be a way to ease her out of this, but if she had to work maybe she wouldn't have time and ability to hang out and party. I have never agreed with idle hands, and it might be worth thinking about. To the lady with the daughter who got married without her knowledge. I would just hate to see your relationship ruined. In my opinion, which may not be worth much, the relationship with your daughter is worth accepting her choices even if you don't agree. If you forgive her for her lies and try to build up the trust that seems to be missing, you may find a wonderful relationship begins to bloom. We all make mistakes, even big ones. If this marriage is a mistake, she will need you to be there for her. If it is a success then she will want to share the joy of it with you. You can rejoice with her. Life is short and the only real thing that means anything is the relationships that we have with others (I include my God in that, but even if you don't, I think it still applies). The relationships are our real legacy. Your relationship with your daughter is more important than being justified for the wrong she did to you. What wouldn't you do for her? If you answer is that you would do anything for her, then forgive her and be her biggest supporter. She is of an age now when you can be her friend. What an honor it is to have a child who is an adult! Like I said earlier, I know nothing, but I wish you all well and happy relationships.

My 17 year old, 19 year old, and 22 year old are the reason I got the program. I am so going crazy with worry over these girls. I am so hurt that all of them have rejected the values they were raised with. I barely know them anymore. the 22 and 19 yr. old are out of the home, but still pretty dependent on us to help with some of their finances. Seems like each week i get hit with some other crises with one of them. It is maddening! I recently found out my 22 yr. old is pregnant. We have been supportive, showing her love, but my expectations are still let down because I do not see the emotional growth from her one would expect to see. I have cried so many nights, I have been praying for these girls also. I have tried to wait them out, hoping they will find themselves soon. For my oldest daughter, she didnt find herself soon enough. Now of course, I worry about all the others even more. I reaallly know how you feel right now. I wish there was a magic answer. But they are people, making decisions about their lives and it is so out of our hands. May God have mercy. God bless you. Do not lose faith in our God. For He loves our daughters as much as he ever loved us. Keep praying.

Hi, I can so relate to all of you. I had six children. Only three of them really are living the values that I taught them. I guess growing up in this old world is hard for them. You hope and pray what you want for them will stick. Unfortunately they have their own lives and all you can do is pray for them and hope they will someday have the strength to turn around. They all seem to be happy with the lives that they have chosen...that's what is so scary to me. They all know how I feel and they show respect to me. In the end I believe all you can do is try your hardest to teach them right from wrong and then they have to make their own choices. I have suffered so much guilt. What did I do wrong, what could I have done differently..on and on. I have had to stop beating up on myself and just realize that they must use their own free agency and grow the way they choose. But I do pray ALOT.

hi, my name is stephanie you shuold not feel that way like you want to lose it stay strong how much does your daughter drink and does your daughtur do drugs and does she smoke,tell her she needs to stay home and not go out with people who drink and do drugs and smoke, i would tell her if she does not stay home you are going to tell her father not to give her any thing any more, all you can do is stay strong for your self and do not let your daughter get the best of you.

have a strong mind
from,stephanie

This sounds waaaaay too familiar! I have a 19-year-old who was raised in a structured home with good values. When she turned 18, she went nuts on me. She not only would not follow rules, but would actually scream at me if I asked her to pick up her shoes. She was "running the roads" with a really motley crew, and doing absolutely nothing of any value with her life. Her behavior was creating a toxic atmosphere in our household, and it was affecting not only my husband and I, but also our younger child, profoundly. I finally told my daughter she could follow a few simple rules, or she could go. She went. I cannot tell you how difficult it was to watch her leave with one of my least-favorite of her friends. (The same friend died in a drunk driving accident this year.) My daughter bounced around a lot, and is still bouncing around, but a year later, she has a job and has bought my old car from me. She is beginning to realize that with no financial help from her family, it's a hard, cold world out there, and that making it means working hard and playing a lot less. She is experiencing big-girl problems now, like where to live, how to pay her insurance, and how to get her boss to give her a day off so she can go to the doctor. You can't legally make a 19-year-old do anything, so your choices are limited. My daughter knows, as I remind her often, that should she decide to start school, we will pay for it as long as she maintains at least a part-time job. She also knows that we will help her out if she has health problems. Other than that, she's on her own. If she's going to buy speakers for her car before an inspection sticker, quasi-live with a boy who has no job, not attend church, participate in nothing worthwhile, and not go to school - well - the rest is in her lap. We won't support that lifestyle. It's really hard to let her fall on her face, but that seems to be a better method of teaching than anything else I ever tried!