Hello everyone. I was wondering if I could get a little advice from parents out there who may have gone thru something similiar. This problem has been a major source of my depression and anxiety. I hope I can explain this without being too lengthy.
I have 3 children 19, 18 and 15. The 19 and 15 year old are girls. My 19 year old went out with a boy for a long period of time. They were young, but very serious and committed. Unfortunatley, he kind of did a 180 and my daughter was extremely crushed. That was a year ago and she is still not gotten over it. About half way thru that relationship, my 15 year old started seeing the brother - 4 years older than her!! At first I let it go because I was so sure it wouldn't last more than a month or 2 and that she needed to get it out of her system and move on. I never saw or felt any connection between them. That was over a year ago.
My husband and I put many restrictions on the relationship. I never approved, but it all got more complicated when my oldest and the brother broke up. It wasn't a nice break up - he was very cruel - so this made it more difficult for me to accept the brother. When this boy turned 19 I was just sick about it. He isn't a bad kid, but was quite controlling - with a smile on his face. I'm telling you, this guy could be a politician. He can sway and charm anyone. I didn't trust him and felt my daugther, being so young, was being controlled but because it was in such a sutble way, it was hard to explain to her. It caused so much tension in the family and my hsuband and I were constantly sick with worry.
Anyway, a few days ago there was a huge blow out. This boy came over to confront my husband and I, spinning his tale that he had followed all the rules and that he could hardly spend time with my daughter. I tried to explain as best I could that it wasn't because we hated him, it was because the age difference was too much. If he truly cared for her - come back when she is 18. He is leaving for college in the fall and it wasn't fair that a 15 year old was expected to wait 3 years for him to come back. It was an awful confrontation. He was bold and arrogant and my husband looked like he was going to strangle the kid. My daughter left in tears. Later that day he broke up with her stating that he didn't want to be the cause of our family fighting and that I was too intefering and controlling. All the blame was placed on my shoulders. Now, my daugther hates me. She won't look at me, talk to me - nothing. She is okay with my husband but this guy has convinced her this is all my fault. I can't reach her at all. Right now she truly hates me and this causes more anxiety. What if she rebels - what if he comes and takes her and convinces her that it is her and him against the world and they take off - what if, what if.
How do I make her understand this was for her own good. How do I make her see that she was being controlled and manipulated? I'm not sure how to handle this. I would like to try and wait to see if her disposition changes, but those looks of pure hate break my heart.
Anyone out there have any advice. I know the 'what ifs' are a huge topic in this program and I am trying to control this but this is my baby and our once strong and close relationship is all but destroyed.

Oh my goodness, where to begin and have you take comfort??? Let me try and please have patience with me as I go along.
First of all, Huge hugs to you!!!!!!!!
My daughter (my youngest)is now in college, and we went through a similar situation (without the age difference issue, but the boy was not a "prize catch" to say the least) when she was 15 years old. Not fun, and wow did she throw those glares at me and hid out in her room a lot for a while. It's a painful, growing experience.
Second, No, she doesn't hate you, she hates the situation.
She might think at this time that she hates you.
After all, she's in her most dramatic and insecure phase of the whole dating game. Unfortunately she feels the need to blame someone for her boyfriend breaking up with her and you are the closest target.
Not only the closest target but probably the one person in the family that your daughter can get to overreact because you have such a close relationship and you're a sensitive person. She can push your buttons, and get you upset and feeling guilty, and that allows her to believe, for now, that it's all your fault. She's hurt, embarrassed, angry (at the boy also, but to admit that would be too much for her right now) and is in the mind frame of "misery loves company".
It's going to be tough, but stop allowing her to push your buttons. As you show your strength, she'll back down.
Third, your relationship is not all but destroyed, just on hold for a while in the communication department.
Give it some time as hard as that is to do. Let your hubby know you could use a little extra support right now.
Let her know every day that you love her even if she doesn't want to listen. Quick comment from the heart.
DON'T let yourself be manipulated into a "no you don't" conversation!!!
Bite your tongue - sorry but this does help - when any negative comments come to mind about this boy.
Let her know that you're there for her, in a gentle way and then drop it. Don't elaborate. Don't "get into it".
We moms can worry like there's no tomorrow !!! Ouch.
Anyway, she loves you. She'll be back in mind and heart. Right now she can't accept that her boyfriend bailed out(thank God) and used you as his excuse.
How many guys that are going off to college actually stick with a high school age girlfriend?? Especially one that young. The odds are against that happening, big time. I wonder - did he create the confrontation to give himself an easy out? If he was bold and arrogant and complaining that he didn't have enough time with your daughter - hmmmm - that doesn't make for a good combination to get the parents to agree to more time. My opinion, just makes sense doesn't it?
Finally, this happened and it's OK and it's normal and it will pass. It hurts, it stinks but it WILL pass.

God bless and keep us posted.
Had to edit this post, just realized you're new to program. Anyway, the program will shed a lot more light for you on how to deal with this.

I am a mother of six. I just want to say what an awesome response Cindy Lou! May I add that your daughter needs to see you (needsolace) and your husband backing eachother up. Being a team.

Bravo for you sticking up for your daughter and reaching out for help.

And yes! This program will help tremendously. The skills that you are learning will benefit the whole family.

God Bless,
Heather

Amen Heather, about the two of them backing each other up - so important!!!
Needsolace, Sorry, I'm a bit long winded today, but your situation really touched my heart.
Forgot to mention that as you grow stronger, more self confident and learn more healthy coping skills, your daughter will learn by example.
That is one of the greatest gifts she will receive by you working on and completing the program.
My daughter has commented on how my new skills have helped her (after she "got used to the new me") and my son wrote me a beautiful letter about how my efforts have helped him.
There is light at the end of the tunnel and all the work does reap many rewards, emotionally and physically.
God bless. Seek the positives, they are there!

Needsolace-
Hey there. I am not a mom, but I am a daughter.

When I was 16, my relationship with my mother took a turn for the worse. I am not saying this to scare you- I learned a lot from that situation- as in what not to do. I can tell you what hurt me, and how it's affected me into my adult life.

The situation was not the same as yours, but does share some components. Big life change (we were moving), boyfriend, and being 16.

Changes at this age are TERRIFYING. I believe that as a defense mechanism, we may latch on to things in order to feel that we have an effect on something. In my case, I decided to get a boyfriend.

At this point, my mother chose to take the confrontation route, to make it known in no unclear terms that she was having none of my attitude and actions. What I can tell you is that it got very, very ugly. Her attitude of her vs. me affects me to this day. She said things such as "you can't go against me. You aren't strong enough." and "I know you are sleeping with him." (which I wasn't).

I am not a mind reader, so I cannot tell you if this was just her reaction at feeling overwhelmed herself and frightened with the changes that she perceived in me. What I can tell you is that it tore me up in pieces emotionally. When I really needed a female role model and someone to rely on, I got accusations and challenge. As a terrified teenager, I needed to be shown unconditional love, to be shown that it was going to be okay. Unfortunately, her approach only terrified me all the more and made me feel more alone and scared than I already did. I really did feel I was going through this on my own, and that I could not count on the one that was supposed to be there the most for me. I am able to see this as one of the defiining moments that put me on the road to anxiety and depression.

There is more to this story, of course. Our history is different from yours and your daughter's and there is much more on my mother not mentioned here.

I can only talk from my experience as the daughter in the story. Your daughter needs a friend now more than ever. She needs you to be strong enough to look beyond her looks of pure hatred. Be kind to her, don't let her push your buttons (she's trying to get a response as a way to feel she can control SOMETHING- anything). Be patient through all that, the pain she feels is temporary (but don't tell her that- she really does feel it will never go away). If you can allow yourself to be quietly supportive and empathetic to her, it WILL win the day. This is where unconditional love needs to be shown more than ever in her life. Remember that she really is very, very afraid. Your steadfastness in love, patience, lack of reaction to her prods for getting a rise out of you, and instead just projecting your love to her, and giving it to her when she finally comes around for it will do SO much for her.

Give her time, it will be weeks, maybe a couple of months- DON'T GIVE UP. When she comes out of it, she'll come out stronger knowing that she was able to overcome, and she'll know that one of her strongest friends and allies for life is her MOM. There is no price to put on such a wondrous thing. I know I would give anything for that.

I am 34 now. I know the move was one of the best decisions my parents could have made for all of us. It most likely saved our lives. But I am still fighting the scars from those confrontations that took place half a lifetime ago.

Needsolace- you can do this. You can do it one step at a time. It's okay to feel shredded inside when you see your daughter like this- it's only natural. Like talking yourself through an anxiety or depression episode, take it one step at a time, breathe through it, float through it. It WILL pass. Take note of any lack of venom thrown in your direction and CELEBRATE it. Every small step is toward healing. It WILL pass.

God Bless you for protecting your daughter. The situation has hurt her, but you can, and you will help her get back up and be stronger for it.

She's blessed to have you as her mom. Believe that, take strength from it, and this will pass.

God Bless,
Lorena

One more thought: remember that your daughter is going through some anxiety herself with all of this. Try to remind yourself, especially when she's particularly nasty, that it's really the anxiety talking for her. It's really not her. When you view it like that, perhaps it's a bit easier to not take it so personally?

Take care, and all the best to you, Strong Mom.

Hugs,
Lorena

I have to say, when I got this program and read in the book that there was this site, I thought briefly about joining in, but also thought to myself I could do without. What amazing support and encouragement you all have given me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was second guessing myself and thinking that maybe my daughter was right and I was this interferring, controlling mother. I kept telling myself I was doing the right thing, but my doubts...
God Bless you all and thank you again for these wonderful words. I feel renewed strength.

Well, my daughter spoke to me yesterday. I guess that is a start. When is the session on 'what ifs' because I'm really bad at that. As soon as she told me she liked my hair, I started thinking - 'she is too happy, what if they are back together?' Craziness!! I'll keep you posted and once again, thank you for all your support and advice.

needsolace
im sorry your going through this. My daughter went through the same thing at 15. We didnt like the guy at all. She was told she couldnt see him anymore, and she protested, but said okay.
Several weeks later my husband and i drove by the school, only to see her outside hugging and kissing this boy.
My husband stopped the truck, got out and went over told her to get in her car, and get home, and we drove behind her all the way home.
We then confronted her, and although she put up a protest, my HUSBAND made it clear, he would set outside that school everyday and follow her home, to make sure she didnt see this kid.
She then promised she would see him again. But for several days after that, my husband would hide in the truck where he could them but she couldnt see her daddy. And sure enough they werent seeing each other.
So, if she is talking to you again, thats wonderful. But be cautious!!
Girls this age "think" they are in love, when usually its thier first relationship and dont know what love really is.
She will come around, she will realize you were looking out for her best interest. It may just take awhile. You and your husband are right, this boy is WAY to old and experienced for your daughter.. Take care Nelly

Thank you Nelly. I am being cautious. My son also attends that high school so he is keeping his eye on his sister. I don't trust this boy and will be keeping tabs.
When did your daughter realize this was for the best? Did she rebel after? Just wondering what her reaction was to all this in the weeks and months following.
Thanks for your words and warnings.

I have a 16 yr old daughter and I love her so much and she feels Ismother her after her brothers accident. I had to learn to let go and not be so scared for her but it is hard. She's not a big communicator but I tell her everyday I love her and kiss her at least once. I have had to learn alot about letting go. She is planning a foreign exchange program in the fall and will be gone for a semester. I just have to trust that God will take care of her and her host family. I tried to control my older kids more rigidly and they just rebelled and even though they understand why I realize where I had made mistakes as well as them. WE are close and sometimes still have talks about those days but less nad less as time goes by. There glad I was strict now but then they hated me. I have learned to let my youngest grow and make more decisions than I let the older ones make. She is more responsible and still has limits on curfew. I think we all do the best we can and pray for them everyday they walk out the door.

I am going through a similar problem with my 16 yr old. I think I would have had a nervous breakdown by now if I diddn't have my tapes. Somehow when she screams and yells I remain calm, knowing this is coming from a young girl who believes she is in love. The boy is 18, a high school drop out said he was getting his Ged and didn't. We thought we had broken them up last January but my daughter is relentless and has kept it going through aim, myspace & facebook.Today I blocked all thse programs but I don't want to isolate her from her friends.We have tried to get through to her she needs to live a highschool life and other boys at school aren't going to ask her out as long as they think she has a boyfriend. Everytime she is in an extra good mood and I think we are past this its usually because she has had some sort of contact with him. Any suggestions would be appreciated

Needsolace
Once she realized her "Daddy" was involved,, she knew she better NOT sneak around... Whatever i said, went in one ear and out the other, but she knew better with her daddy.
She sulked awhile,, that didnt last long either cause her daddy told her if she wanted to sulk, she could be grounded the rest of the year, lol,,,, Nelly

JENA* I was once in your daughters situation. I know how she feels. I'm not sticking up for her I just know what she is going through. Maybe she is in love maybe she isnt...i dont know... But when i was 14 yes i know that is very young i met my husband. My husband was 17. I'm not even kidding it was love at first site. Well my parents did EVERYTHING in there power to keep me away from him. They literely grounded me for a year. I couldnt even go out of the yard. I'm not going to go into detail about everything but i'm telling you it was awful couple years of my life.(which i believe caused a lot of my depression and anxiety.) He got put in jail twice because of me, my dad went after he several times, and if we did see eachother we had to sneak. Alls we wanted to do was see eachother. Well now everything is better. I will be 21 in July and he turned 24 in Dec. We are married and have 3 beautiful children. Like i said i dont know the whole situation...and i relize you just want what is best for your daughter. I relize that is what my parents wanted for me. My advice is dont let it get bad. Meaning try to keep peace. You daughter doesnt want to see you hurt. It killed me inside knowing my parents were hurting becasue they didnt think i understood. I know it is hard right now. But if they are ment to be it will be. If not then it wont. You could always do what my parents did to me. They ended up after 2 years letting me see him BUT...My parents had to be around us everywhere we went. I couldnt leave with him anywhere by myself. Like i said i understood where they were coming from. I dont really know what to say...i no both of you guyss pain and i hate it for the both of you. I been there done that and i wouldnt put the pain and heart ache on anyone.