Are any of you on the forum single parents?
It is a difficult possition for some to be in. For it presents multiple challenges. I have before me a wonderful series of articles on it if you wish for me to share some of the practical information -- please reply.

Victoria

Hi, I am a single mom of 3 boys. I believe that alot of my anxiety stems from the fact that I am so scared what would happen to them, if something happened to me. My main fear is dying. I would really like to exchange info with anyone else who is facing the challenges of parenting alone.

To All Single Parents and Robygirl,
If you are a single parent - I believe you will benefit from the information I'm sharing from a couple of articles for single parents. Robygirl, thank you for replying to this post. Perhaps some of what I will share will be helpful to you. Also, you may get some replies that will also help.

I understand the challenge you have as a single parent of three boys. Although you do not mention their ages, I gather they are young from the context of your reply. That may also account for your fear of dying since you are concerned for their welfare if that would happen. Perhaps your fear is not unusual considering the circumstances, but a little to deep that needs to be addressed so that you can enjoy living with your boys in the moment and for years to come.

Pressures of life are a major factor affecting people's lives, especially single parents. Economic pressures are often present for a single parent especially if the father does not provide any or sufficient support. Today, some single partents and their children may suffer emotional stress, economic need, and social disadvantgages.
Single parenthood is a trend in many lands. In America, some 50 percent of children will live in a single-parent household for some period of their childhood.

Some have always been single parents whereas others due to divorce or widowhood. For the last two, it may take years to adjust and cope with the economic challenges and the responsibility of consoling the children. Roby, your strong concern regarding your dying could stem from your concern regarding how the children would make it economically and emotionally. Who would they live with, would they end up in foster homes, or separated? Might I add on my own, that it is wise to use your fear postively by making a "will" that would stipulate who would look after your children so that could ease your mind now as well as be practical.

Roby, you did not write why you are a single parent. I'm not even asking you because that is your personal business unless you wish to say. However, that too has something to do with your fears and concerns. And it does make a difference because of what might be said to help you. So, I will speak of situations that may or may not apply to you. However, others that read this post may find some help in the comments I'm sharing from the article entitled Single Parents, Multiple Challenges. Although they may not reply to this post, nevertheless, they will see it.

If a single mother never married their child's or childrens father(s)- it could be because they often were very young and inexperienced when they had their first child. Thus, they may not have had an opportunity to complete their formal education. Without adequate job skills, they may find themselves either poor or in low paying jobs. If they do not have the support of relatives, such as their parents [or the father] they have the added responsibility of providing suitable day care for their child or childrren. Also, the single mom may also be struggling with emotional burdens, such as feelings of shame and loneliness. Also, having a child may cause them to feel that it will preclude their finding a suitable mate.

If they are children of a divorced couple they benefit by the contact with both parents under most circumstance, [but not always happening]. "Regular and open communication helps to avoid unnecessary conflict." A successful parent can mold the thinking of the chilren to understand their feelings. (Deuteronomy 6:7) Children have two biological parents. They need to know about both parents and need to feel wanted and not just unfortunate accidents.

Robygirl, it is obvious by your reply that you very much love and want your children although that may or not be the case of the father. However, as the article brought up, speaking respectful of the absent parent and giving answers that the child can grasp agewise, or needs to know, can provide the child loving reassurance.

There are also the religious issues whereby one or both parents will be sharing their religious convictions to the children. In time, the child can make his own decision regarding religion, as did young Timothy who was taught by his mother and grandmother. (2 Timothy 3:14, 15).

The cooperation of the children is essential for a successful family. Their obedience to parental authority shows that they love their parent and respect the added effort that the parent makes to provide a safe and happy household. Communication is very important.

Depending on the ages of the children, their slowly, lovingly and patiently being taught to assume responsibilities will build self-confidence and a sense of self-worth as they master life skills. Roby, knowing your children can handle certain things will begin easing your fear of dying.

Are there any family members or fellow worhipers in your church that may be able to give you and your children loving emotional support and companionship? This is very helpful.

Single parents often mistakenly drawn into thinking that they should become buddies or chums with their children. Yes, a close relationship is necessary, but the child is not emotionally mature enough to be the parent's confidant or peer. They need a parent. [This is not saying this is your problem at all. Just writing this for others that may find it helpful.]

Roby, you are blessed as are other parents because "childrern are a blessing and a gift from the Lord." They are precious in God's eyes. You need to take care of yourself because you are precious and important. [You are doing well by coming to this forum because it provides mutual help for anxiety. Do you have the Midwest Attacking Anxiety and Depression study Course? It may provide help especially regarding the fear of dying because it might be an obsessive negative thought. I'm sorry for your discomfort.] A single parent needs to look after their own spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. "Sucessful single parents maintain a positive outlook toward parenting and life in general." They try to see the positive aspects in stressful situations. [I know, it's not easy at times.]

What also may help you deel with your fear of dying is examining your scriptural understanding of death which would help take the fear out of it. [If you would like help with this, I will reply in the spirituality folder on this forum.] I'm not in a similar situation as you, but have helped single parents and have read much on it. I have the oppposite reason of fear of death which I have under control. I fear that my husband will die and leave me alone for different reasons. What helps me is making this a matter of prayer and of course reading my Bible.

By fullly relying on God and being convinced that he will provide help - you will be able to cope with the demands of single parenthood and the fear of dying. I wish you the Best for you and your family.

Victoria

Articles based on the Awake! October 8, 2002

Victoria,
I am no longer a single parent, but I spent a lot of time raising two kids by myself.
I had them at the ages of 15 and 17 and was Divorced at 18 so to say the least it was not easy. I didn't have a good support system and next to no one to talk about it with.
I just wanted to say from someone who has been there, I appreciate what you are doing.

Michele

Thank You Michele,
I'm sorry that you've gone through such difficulty but happy for you now. You are fortunate to have someone there with and for you.
Victoria

I JUST JOINED THE FORUM TODAY. I AM A SINGLE MOTHER OF 2 AND SOME OF MY ANXIETY DOES STEM FROM ALL THE PRESSURE. ITS NICE TO KNOW I AM NOT ALONE.

MARNIE

Welcome Aboard Marnie,
Yes, a single parent can have pressure from persons that don't understand. You may have to play the roll of both parents, provider, nurse, housekeeper, cook, teacher. It's a big job that produces many emotions and sometimes leaves one with little time for themselves.

"For Everything there is an appointed time. . . a time for birth. . .a time to heal. . .a time to build. . . a time to weep and a time to laugh. . .Everything is made pretty in its time. . .rejoice and do good during [your]life.
King Solomon

Wishing you well,
Victoria

I�m a single mom of an eight year old boy. My ex is in the late stages of alcoholism. I have lived in terror of what would happen to my precious boy if I died and he wound up in the home of his alcoholic dad. I have been facing major health problems in recent years so this was not an irrational thought. Recently I had to face surgery and did something huge to help my anxiety. I found an attorney who would do a will and Advance Directive for me (designate someone to make medical decisions for me if I ever become unable) on a payment plan. Even though my ex shares custody, I stated whom I would want as guardian for my son and that my ex�s alcoholism made him unsafe as a parent. While my ex could contest this in court, at least my wishes are stated in a legal document. I had put it all off for so long because I did not have the money but felt I could not go through with the surgery unless I knew my son would be taken care of and would not end up in his father�s care. Another thing that held me back for so long was trying to find the perfect person as guardian. When I had to select someone, I came to realize that no one is �perfect� but the person I selected was the best choice possible.

Getting this done is a huge relief and an additional benefit is that, as hard as it is to talk about these things, my son knows there is a plan should it be needed. He was five when my ex and I split (and is now 8). When he was five, I dashed outside in a thunderstorm to close the car windows (stupid, I know). My son later told me that he was sure I would be �shocked and die� and that he was so scared of living alone because he knew cooking was dangerous for kids and was really scared about how he would do it. Because he had seen the Home Alone movies at daycare, he got the idea of a kid living in a house alone. Oh, how my heart broke when I heard what he was thinking. I was so grateful he could express it to me. The hard thing is that I could not say at that time that I expect to live a long, long life but that if I did die, so and so would take care of you because I had not made those arrangements. My son knew that it was unsafe to be with his dad. Now, when my son expresses such a fear I can remind him that there is a plan in place for him to be taken care of should that happen.

writerwoman,

my husband (seperated for 4 years, but not divorced yet - a whole other issue of mine that i am sure causes me anxiety) is also an alcohlic. i too wonder what would happen to my three precious boys (9, 7 & 1 - don't even ask-one night of weakness, but he is a miracle) if they were left with their dad. he loves them, but he is a mess and there is no way he could care for them. i know that what you did is exactly what i need to do. reading your post really got to me and hopefully i will get the courage and money to do something soon. good luck to you and your son and hope you feel better.

Hi Robygirl,

You can do it. You will find a way. I wish you strength, courage, and perseverance.

I am learning to do everything in baby steps and wow, by taking a little bit at a time, things get done. I started by asking trusted people whom they would recommend for a lawyer to do my will who would do a good job and not take me to the cleaners. Got a list. Called each one and got prices. Decided on one and, gulp, called, explained my circumstances and asked if he would accept a payment plan. Had the first meeting. Had panic attack over the enormity of the decisions. Made one decision at a time. Went back for next appointment. Babystepping got me through it. For years I said I have no money to get a will done and let that stop me but I think another part of it is that it means facing all the possibilities that the will is there for. See, I even have to write euphemisms for it. Contemplating your own death when you are a parent, and most especially as a single parent is so enormous, there are no words for it.

What an enormous journey it is to find peace despite the alcoholic in our lives. My ex continues to create chaos because his life as an active alcoholic can be nothing but � but I continue to take steps to make a life apart for my son and myself that is peaceful and stable while finding ways for my son to spend time with his dad in a way that is safe. It�s a huge task, and I have to remain always strong against the insanity of my ex�s thinking � so skewed.

Perhaps I am overstepping my bounds in saying please think about getting that divorce. I waited quite a while after the separation, feeling like I did not have the money, then my ex pulled a few stunts including getting the car insurance bill sent to him because he had an OUI and was trying to hide it from me and stealing my son�s savings bonds. I knew I had to find a way and cashed in my tiny 401K, my only financial safety net, to pay the lawyer. Getting that divorce was the best thing I ever did. It included an order that prevents my ex from driving my son in any vehicle, from picking him up at school or daycare, etc. We needed these safeties in place and it gave me fewer things to lay awake at night agonizing over. We can�t protect our children from the awful losses an alcoholic parent brings to their lives, but there are so many other ways we can protect their safety. The court really supported me in this. Also, it was huge for me emotionally. It helped me accept that my life with this person was over (we were married 20 years) and to understand that making a good life for myself and my son was up to me. It also helped me come to the realization that I have to develop a new career for myself. Due to the economic downturns of the last several years, my career (in tech training) crashed and burned. It took me a long time to understand that making a good life for my son is completely up to me, that my ex is not there for him other than to be an occasional playmate. While I have had my ex�s wages to get the child support that he only paid when he felt like it, that child support will only be coming in while he is working. He�s had several disability leaves due to �falling down the stairs at work.� The divorce helped me get clear that it is all up to me. Any illusions I had of this man being any kid of parent were just that.

I am rooting for you and am so glad to know there�s someone out there who knows what it is like to cope with someone with the disease of alcoholism and to share custody of your child(ren) with that person. It is a very hard road. Take good care of yourself.

WriterWoman,

Thanks so much for your reply. Last night my 2 older boys (9 and 7) went to their dads (I don't drop the baby off with him - he smokes and the baby has asthma) and I could tell he had been drinking (not drunk, but I can tell if he has even had one or two beers). He lies about it and then I am stuck staying there with them because I don't trust his judgement and I am afraid he would drive them somewhere (he has had 2 dwi's). It is just so hard to understand why he won't stop his destructive behavior (I don't know why I can't accept this - I actually know quite a bit about alcoholism). It is nice to know that someone understands how hard it is to know that our child(ren) have to deal with this. Thanks for your reply and I hope you will continue to check the boards. It would be great if someone who understands could be here while I start the process or divorce.

Thanks again

robygirl

Hi Robygirl,

Just a short post to say good for you for having the courage to stay at your ex�s to protect your children�s safety. I know how hard that is when the person lies and my ex is an expert at making me feel like I�m the one with the problem � being too controlling, etc. I do plan to keep participating in the forum. I have not even gotten my hands on the tape program or one of Lucinda�s books yet and the forum is helping me make so many positive changes! I will write in more detail but wanted to applaud your courage for the steps you are taking. I am glad to know you are out there and understand what I am going through coping with an alcoholic ex. People who do not have an alcoholic in their lives, no matter how kind they are, simply do not understand what we go through. Take care. I�ll write more when I can.

Dear Marnie,
Although I previously replied, nevertheless I've been thinking about you and would like to hear how you are doing.

I can understand the pressure of being a single parent of two. It is indeed a challenge but you will find your success rewarding although you are being both father and mother.

Although I'm not a single parent, I have been told by friends that are one of the secrets to their success. They read portions of the Bible (Bible Stories and principles) to their children at least once a week and use this as quality time for the child to open up regarding problems at school or otherwise. Thus, the single parent is not really alone in their parenting.

I send you my best regards and wish you well. I'm here for you for encouragment.

Victoria

Dear Writerwoman,

I read concerning your situation as a single parent and your helpful reply to Robygirl.

I have nothing but commendation for your facing your fears and making the best of a situation. You did well by obtaining a Will to protect your son in the event of your death - altough death is not a pleasant thought. Not that you would be suffering because until a resurrection there is no pain in death. But for the living child to loose a parent it would be difficult. I lost my father when I was 23 which is not a small child. However, I missed him and would think of him often. He was a wonderful parent.

Living with an alcoholic must have been very difficult! It's an addiction that enslaves the person who has to be willing themselves to break it. And this addiction does hurt the family beyound words. My husband understands that because his father was an alcoholic whom his mother separated from when he was approx. 23 years old. He never really knew him since he was rarely around. However, he was never violent toward his mom or him which may be the reason she stuck it out. Thus, my husband was determined that when he marries there would be no divorse and that his children would have an active father. So, when he married me he was the opposite of his father and a very involved and loving father. He also became a minister.

This can encourage you and robygirl because children of alcoholic parents still can turn out well and adjust noting picking up the addiction.

Wishing Well,
Victoria

Greetings Robygirl,

You are going thru such a difficult time. I can certainly understand you concern for your children. Also, I am sorry to hear that the baby has asthma.

Please read my reply to writerwoman because it may have some helpful if not encouraging things for you in it.

You wrote writerwoman that you did not know why your husband does not quit this alcoholic addiction although you understand alcholism.

As my husband explained to me regarding his own father, he had to first admit that he has a problem. And sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they realize they have it. Because sometimes you can tell them and show them but they have to acknowledge it first to begin baby steps to recovery. That is why some attend AA meetings. That's when they publically admit it. They also are told to lean on a higher source - God - rather than themselves. However, the choice of religion or belief is left up to them.

Alcohol dependence can be destructive as you well know. This person called Ricardo became an alcoholic 20 years ago and explained what this type of addiction means: "From the time you wake up, your body cries for alcohol --to calm your nerves, to forget your problems, or just to give you suffcient self-confidence to cope with life. You become obsessed with getting a drink, and yet you try to convince yourself and others around you that your behavior is normal."

The reason your husband just doesn't change is because an addictive substance enslaves people. About ten years ago Ricardo realized that alcohol was controlling his life. He then recocognized that it was undermining his marriage, his job, and his family and that it would never solve his problems. He learned that it can even produce poverty. (Pr. 23:20, 21)

What helped him was that he wanted to have a good relationship with God and thus prayed imploring divine help to enable him to be honest with himself. Today he feels liberated from this addiction - a least in a relative sense. But he understands that it is a daily battle. Sadly, not all alcoholics are willing to fight and succeed in this battle. However, his story can be encouraging. I just read his interesting story this morning in the Awake magazine.

I wish you and your children well. Let me know how you are doing.

Sincerely,
Victoria