It's been a long time since I've posted but I REALLY need some help here. My daughter just finished grade school and will be moving on to middle school next fall. I am so over protective of her that I won't even let her go to the play ground which is only half a block a way from my house. There have been school feild trips she hasn't gone on because I couldn't handle the fact that she would be so far a way from home even though it was with her class. If she goes out side I have to get up every 10 seconds just to see where she is and if I don't see her right away I start to panic. I understand that people need to keep an eye out for their kids but I don't even like it when she goes out in the yard, and just the thought of her going to an amusement park, even with my fiance', imeadiately sends me into nasty physical symptoms. I'm so terrified that I'm going to turn my head away from her for a second and she'll dissapear and I'll never see her again. I know this is irrational and I also assume I'm not the first person to experience something like this but I don't know what to do about it. I have been able to figure out a way to handle (to a point) every anxiety trigger I have except this one. When I start to think about this it sends me into the worst physical symptoms that I get and there isn't much I can do to calm them down. She is almost 13 years old and she needs some independance to help her develop but I can't seem to give it to her. I want her to be happy and independant and have fun but I'm so overwhelmed and I am so distraught by this I don't know what to do about it, please help.

Hi Mellie,

Why don't you call the Midwest Center and see if they can help you? Sorry, that's my best advice. I know there is hope for you. They can probably help you, if no one else posts before then. Welcome, and let us know how you are doing.

Thanks for the reply Don. I do have the program and I can't afford the coaching so I don't know what else they can do. I guess I'm hoping someone here who might have gone through simular could give me some advice.

Hi again Mellie,

What I meant was that they have a counseling line which was $1.99 a minute or $1.50 a minute on credit card and they could probably help you with suggestions or refer you to someone who could. They don't allow you to stay on very long, so it probably wouldn't cost you more than $7.50 to $15. Also, if you email them, I guess it would be free. Carolyn@stresscenter.com, Tammy@stresscenter.com or info@stresscenter.com.

Mellie,

I guess all I can suggest is that you use your six steps when your dd goes out to play or goes somewhere with someone else. I wouldnt let my kid go to a park either. I dont care how close it is to the house. Take baby steps with this like you would anything else. HOw about letting her go with an adult to a quick mart for a candy bar or soemthing easy. IT shouldnt take too long and you can practice using POSITIVE self talk while she's gone. YOu are going to have to have practice sessions for yourself. Do the same thing when she goes out in the yard to play. Make yourself sit for 5 minutes at a time before you go check on her. And when you see she's fine tell yourself that she is just fine and is smart and knows how to be careful.

I know it isnt easy at all. My son graduates this week. My first to graduate and I tell ya, letting go is reaaaally hard. I've had to calm myself down a hundred times! But you can do it. Baby steps and positive self talk is very important.

And where have you been?!?

Reena

Hi Reena,
I understand how you are feeling. It's very hard to watch our kids grow up and become independent.
I have a plaque hanging up in my bedroom that I found at a second hand store. It's old and kind of ugly looking, but what it says sums up my desire as a parent. It says, "A father is neither an anchor to hold us back nor a sail to take us there, but always a guiding light whose love shows us the way."
When I was a child, I felt smothered and over protected. Not only was I not encouraged to be myself and express feelings, but I was not encouraged to go out and explore things. By the time I was a teen, I was often scared to do things.
When I got married, I made up my mind that if there was one thing I wanted for my kids, it was that they would learn to love themselves and be happy with who they were. Thats all I wanted. For them to know that they were loved just the way they were, that they didn't have to perform, that they could be self confident.
Part of the process of bringing this about is to let them go out on thier own. They need to first of all feel loved and connected, then they can go out and explore. But we need to allow them to explore. Sometimes that can be very painful and scary for us, but it is necc. for thier healthy developement.
My 12 yr. old son just spent the weekend with a friend and his father. They drove three hrs. away to a race track. This is healthy. My son needs to do these things to gain confidence in himself, in another adult, and in the fact that he will be home when its over. This means I also have to trust the father.
My sixteen yr. old daughter just got her license in January. Last week she drove to the beach with a few friends. It's about an hour drive. I was concerned, but I knew that it was something normal for her to want to do. She had a cell phone, and I called her once in awhile, and she called me. I prayed for her, and just let it go.
My twenty yr. old had a boyfriend living about four hrs. away. On occasion, she would drive her car up there to see him. I was concerned, but I know that I can't stop her from doing these adult things.
The bottom line is that I think it is very important to allow our kids to grow up and take risks. Otherwise, we stunt thier growth emotionally and socially. I saw a program a few months ago about phobias. There was a young woman with a toddler. She was a nervous wreck because she obsessed about germs everywhere. Germs on the carpet, outside, on the couch. She had to constantly watch where the child went, constantly clean his hands, etc. They showed a therapist going to her house for exposure therapy. The therapist asked her to allow the child to crawl on the floor. It was so hard for her, but she put him down. She was actually crying because it hurt her so bad to imagine the germs attacking the child. But it became easier and easier.
Im not saying that you are that extreme, but perhaps you can withstand your discomfort while making decisions to allow your child to go out and explore some things. The independence will be very helpful for her.

Hey, I just realized that my last post was directed to Mellie, not Reena! Sorry!!!

I can really relate to this thread because I have intense fear about my son�s safety because my ex, who was living a secret life of alcoholism during the last several years of our marriage, put him in jeopardy on many occasions by driving drunk with him --- and I did not know because I believed my ex to have been in a state of sobriety for years. He has given our son double doses of iron supplement as a baby and generally neglected him like leaving him in a sopping diaper for hours while I was out doing errands. I never got comfortable with others caring for my son because of this.

My son was recently matched with a big brother through big brothers big sisters, a very kindly middle aged man, and things have been going great but my son came home from their outing on Sunday and said his �big� had left him in McDonald�s at the mall for 15 minutes while he went to see if the arcade was open. The arcade was their reason for going to this mall that my son had never been to and is not in the safest city in our state. After talking with the BBBS caseworker, I gently addressed this with the �big� and he said it was for 2 minutes. I expressed my concerns and he seemed fine with that but now I am really anxious wondering what else he might do that he thinks is OK but that I would not feel comfortable with. I nearly drowned as a child and have a terrible fear of the water. I am making sure my son is learning how to swim but keep flashing on his big wanting to take him swimming and not supervising him properly. Of course I know I can always nix a plan but the fear is there.

The case worker said that I need to allow my son to take appropriate risks so he develops self confidence and good decision making. She was making this comment in general. She did agree that a child should not be left alone in a mall for any amount of time. I do give my son a lot of independence, OK, maybe not a lot but some as I feel is age appropriate (he�s 8) but I really need to hear others� input on this issue. We have an indoor roller rink nearby and have been to a few events there. My son has the full protective gear for rollerblading which I insist he wears outside when he rollerblades on the pavement.. I noticed that not a single child at the indoor rink was wearing ANY gear while rollerblading, not even a helmet. At one point a handful of kids had a pileup, all falling in a heap. My son was embarrassed that I made him wear his gear but I feel they make that stuff for a reason. There�s not a big difference between taking a hard fall on a hardwood floor vs. cement. Would others respond please and tell me how you feel/would feel about this for your 8 year old. As I have learned for myself the hard way, injuries can have lifelong repercussions. I had a knee injury as a child that is a chronic problem and prevents me from dong certain things. My son is a gifted dancer and I would be horrified if I went along with the status quo even though I felt it was unsafe and he had some injury that could have been prevented. All the kids were asking my son why he was wearing gear and he was embarrassed.

writer....theres a fine line between doing whats best for your son and making him feel like a "dork" in front of his friends. I would encourage you to help him to fit in as much as poss. Maybe he shouldnt be hanging with those kids if thier parents dont care about thier safety, but on the other hand, you should be careful to not expose your son to moments where he stands out like this.
I think it is so important for kids to feel like they are part of the group. You have to be watchful of an eight year old....he's still too young to be venturing out too far on his own, but give him little bits of freedom, as much as he can handle within the guidelines of safety.
Ask him what he thinks about this subject. Be honest with him and tell him how you want to protect him. Let him tell you how he feels about it. Try to learn what other parents of eight yr. olds are allowing thier kids to do. Use your best judgment as to whether this is okay for your son.
Don't baby him. Be his friend. Treat him like a little person, not a little child. He'll notice the difference.
Later....

I have to say I thought the same thing when we went to a roller rink a few years back. There is nothing like feeling the cool air hit ya in the face and thru your hair when you are skating in a rink. I did not make my kids wear gear in there. Outside, they do. Im more afraid of a car hitting them and the concrete really doesnt bounce like wood floors. I do agree with NOT making your son look too out of place. How about just having him wear his helmet and not the rest of the gear? I would not care to have my 8 year old left in a mall for any amount of time. Period. That is unacceptable, whether for 2 minutes or 15. Hope it all works out.

Reena