Hi, folks. I'm getting ready for week 5 of the program, but want to throw this one out there for all of you, because I really could use some help with it. My son is a freshman at an out-of-state school, majoring in engineering and SEEMS to be doing fine, just kinda down sometimes, and I know that the classes are HARD. My problem is a comment my ex-husband made about a month after my son had started college last fall. You need to understand, too, that I live with my ex because he totally fell apart when I left him 2 yrs. ago and it upset my 2 kids and elderly mother (she ended up in the hospital) so much that I moved back home, even after the divorce. I left because he was acting crazy and terrorizing the kids (thought he was superman--could build an entire house by himself-- and blowing up over little things, too) while on an RX pain pill--this had gone on over a ten year period, off and on, and I didn't know about it until right before I moved out. I wanted to "stop the madness" and make some structure for my kids, which it did, but they still missed their dad and felt bad about our split, since they were 15 and 20. Oh, yeah, while we were divorced, he proposed to a woman in Russia he had met on the Internet. Crazy, crazy stuff, affecting my 2 kids even more! Anyway, once we were back together and our son was already about 1 month into college my ex says something like "I just hope he doesn't get depressed and try to **** himself or something." Now, you have to understand that my sister committed ******* when she was 36 and I was 24, so this shot through me like a knife. And I'm back living with this guy and trying to work things out. My kids and mom are happy, so I'm happy. It's just my priorities. I feel better overall being here.... Anyway, I worry so much about my son--he's a strong kid, but a lot like me, which makes me think he could have anxiety problems like me, although he doesn't really show it. I just know he's sensitive like me. My question is, how do I not obsess about him? How do I talk to him on the phone without (almost) crying? How do I deal with it? He's not totally happy where he is, because it's a HARD school. But he says he wants to stick it out--that he likes his major. But then he tells me how he doesn't like this or that about the school where he is. I've told him that he can transfer to an in-state school that has a similar program, but he says that he'll stick it out there. But then he tells me he's concerned about the out-of-state tuition being so much higher. ---Ping-pong, ping-pong!! Any suggestions for me? I don't want to over-react, but I don't want to miss a red-flag, either. My ex has put me in overdrive, but he's not put himself in overdrive about it, which makes OUR relationship difficult, although he doesn't have a clue. Thanks for any advice. Sorry this is so long and convoluted. ---t.

Have you told him that you have no expectations of him. And that you love him regardless of whether he attends school out of state or in state, whether he majors in engineering, business or chooses to be the best trash collector in the Midwest? Have you told him that what he possess, what he acheives and what others may think of him have no bearing on your love for him and no bearing on who he is as a person? Let him know that the door is open to any possiblity and that you're always there to help him walk through it. Make it completely and utterly clear that there is NOTHIING he can do to change the fact that you love him and together, nothing that can't be overcome. Unconditional love goes a long, long way.
Choose to focus on the love and desires you have for your son and not the destructive behavior of your ex.

I know this seems brief and simple but as a mother of 4 ranging in age of 29-18, I've seen this played over many times. Sometime with my own children and sometimes with their friends. The assurance of knowing that SOMEONE will be there to help them up if (and when) they fall flat on their face, if their confused or when they hurt is really all they're looking for. It might as well be you

I believe also that as parents we need to empathize and sympathize with our children. Let them know that yes it may be hard and it may be difficult but that they can get through it. I agree that you need to support them and they need to know that your love will always be there for them. Your son seems to find out why is he not totally happy? Is it his major, or his environment, his friends? Maybe once he has found the reason then he can find peace. Keep in mind what you have learned so far in your lessons and use your knowledge to help guide you. I have a nine year old son who exhbibits behavior much like mine and I did not see it until I started with the program and learned that I have anxiety and depression. I have been using some of the techniques which have helped me on him and it is working. Thoughts and prayers to you. God Bless you in your journey. Stay the course and keep moving forward.

you have gotten so much wonderfull advice, I really can't add much. My daughter is away at school about 3 hours away. although, she is having a wonderfull time, she does have a demanding schedule. class,homework,sorority, and work.
The one way I have found to keep tabs on her, is we use AIM. she is constantly changing her away messages. updating me and her friends, on where she is, what kind of day she is haveing, even parties (yikes) but, it gives me peace of mind and I can always tell if she is having a bad day, got home safe, or just pain too busy to talk. I can check on her often and she never knows. If she is in her room on-line, I give her a quick hello.
Sorry about your sister and the situation with your husband.

In regards to your son, I have one graduating from college in May. Instead of focusing on the negative, seek to focus on the positive. Think of things to say to him which will help him believe in himself and his capabilities. My son also had a very difficult time his first two years. It's a time of adjustment of being away from home and of learning how to deal with that.

There are different reasons for people choosing to end their lives. Sometimes it's due to life difficulties which they have not learned how to deal with. Someetimes it's genetic factors. Those whose problem is life difficulties can learn how to perceive their circumstances differently, how to fail successfully as the MWC program says. I have learned how to do this from the program. There have been several times when failures seemed so painful that I didn't want to live anymore. While failing to achieve a goal can be painful and cause sadness and perhaps grief, it doesn't mean a person has to experience depression also. I see depression as an abnormal event due to how we think.

This is learned behavior which means we can unlearn it and learn more healthy ways of thinking. In doing so, we will no longer have so much pain that we want to end our lives. It will be manageable and not overwhelming. Learning that making mistakes is okay, that failure is okay, though not pleasant, is something I have learned and am still learning. As long as we are trying our best, succeed or fail, we have nothing to be ashamed of or be depressed about.

No matter what grade your son makes in college, as long as he's trying and doing as best he can that is all that matters. If one direction doesn't work out, then it's time to try another direction. Life's challenges are best met with a positive attitude, believing in our capabilities, with unconditional love and acceptance of ourselves whether we succeed or fail. This places us in the best emotional, mental, and physical condition to succeed. If we fail then forgiveness, letting go of the past, and creating new goals are the antidote. Believe in your son no matter what and express that confidence in him as you have opportunity. The program has the potential to teach you these life skills and in doing so you can pass them on to your son.

quote:

You need to understand, too, that I live with my ex because he totally fell apart when I left him 2 yrs. ago and it upset my 2 kids and elderly mother (she ended up in the hospital) so much that I moved back home, even after the divorce.

On a differnt note, this appears that you are living your life to please your husband and mother? What about you? Is this something you really wanted to do or is it totally to keep your husband and mother from falling apart? There is a big difference. Living our lives to please others and not ourselves never works out. We literally lose touch with ourselves, self confidence, self esteem, etc. This is much of what causes anxiety/panic/depression, by not living in touch with who we are as persons with our own purposes and goals.

My son has a girlfriend of about a year and a half. He wants to break off the relationship but wants to find the best time to do it. He's afraid she will have a breakdown. I told him that the timing is up to him but that how she reacts is not his responsibility. We all live and learn and do the best we know how. Sometimes things simply don't work out. At that point it's time to head in a new direction. The only person we can be responsible for is ourself, no one else.

I went steady with a girlfriend in college for three years, until she graduated, was in R.O.T.C. for 4 years, served two years in the military. I did all of this to please others, not based upon my own desires. I didn't have the courage to live my life as I wanted to, didn't know or realize this is the way it was designed to be lived. I couldn't make the girlfriend happy. That's totally up to her to make herself happy. She wanted something she couldn't have, me. Too bad, so sad, we all want things at times but can't have them. That's life. WE can choose how we will respond, we aren't locked into a particular way, although many think there is only one way to respond. If the other person has a break down, it reveals that something isn't functioning as it should. We were fully functioning people before a relationship, we can be after it ends.

Thanks to everyone for the great advice and support. It all makes me feel better about the way I've been handling the situation; my kids both know (I have a married daughter, too) that I love them unconditionally and am always here if they need me. When I talk to my son I keep it upbeat and express how much confidence I have in his abilities--including his ability to make good choices about life situations--and let him know that as far as grades are concerned he should "try his best and forget the rest." He's actually handling things very well from what I can tell at this point. Apparently the big thing that's been bothering him is where he's living--a fraternity which has an excellent academic reputation but shall still remain nameless. Anyway, apparently the older "brothers" aren't really as mature as they'd like to think they are and my son's been doing some soul searching about whether or not to stay in the fraternity next year. He's a very self-motivated, self-disciplined kid--played baseball, basketball and football (varsity quarterback) in high school and knows how to get things done. Apparently the fraternity has been more of a hinderance than an asset and despite discussions on how to improve things, some of the younger brothers will possibly be leaving it next year--voting with their feet--which I told him might be the only way to get the chapter to wake up and set things right before it's past the point of fixing. We've had some pretty lengthy discussions about the choices he has to make for next year. I think he's up to it.
NOW AS FOR ME!!!!! (This is for you, Don53)....
I hit lesson 10 (Obsessive, Scary Thoughts) this week. There's a question in the workbook: "Can you pinpoint what you don't want to deal with that is causing you to think obsessively?" I bet you can see where this is going already.... Of course, it's my "relationship" with my ex. When my son went to college it left just the ex and me here. I started obsessing about my son's being away at college in order to not have to deal with thinking about this messed up situation I'm living in. But that's my new focus now that I've got the obsession out of the way and am willing to face the real problem. I've already come up with 3 coping skills I will be using to help me face and resolve the problem, and I know "slow and steady" will win this race. Thanks everyone, and especially you, Don 53.