Hello everyone,
I am just wondering about myself and who I am in relation to my anxiety.I have had a major medical issue but had mild anciety due to it. It was not until my husband started traveling when I lived in a new town with a 3 year old and he traveled aobut 90% and that is when my anxiety really flared up. Even now the night before he leaves I have panic attacks or major anxiety. After I started the program it made me delve further into the reasons behind my anxiety. Initially I blamed the medical issues and my anxiety is warranted on that level but the real reason is the fear of being alone. I have never been alone. I lived at home until I got married and our first few years were fine until he started traveling. I used to pride myself on being an independant woman or I thought I was independant. I paid for my schooling on my own, my car & insurance, helped my mother with the utilities, I even prided myself on being able to fix my car-minor things thanks to my late father but could do things without the help of a man for example put together my own bookshelf or TV stand but now I feel like maybe I was not that independant because I look back and think I always had someone around. I knew my mother and husband would be home from work in the evening and well conversation was always there if needed. I feel that I am dependant on people and especially my husband. We have relocated to another state so he would have the opportunity to work out of a local office and be home more hence no more traveling like down to 10% but he had to leave this week and I had a panic attack the night before he left and just had the thought of being alone this evening and the fact that he is not coming home and I got a little anxiety and I hate it. I have 2 kids but nothing is like your husband/wife and adult conversation and even if he is working and I am in the bedroom I feel fine because he is in the house. Now and in my old city I used to wish for a cousin or friend who could come and stay with me while he was gone to keep me company and I beat myself up because I feel like I am not an independant person and just need to have someone around. Right now I am truly bored being in a new town with no family or friends I went to the library and got some books to read but I am wondering who I am as a person and hate that this anxiety has mnade me dependent on someone for self comfort. Just wanted to get this out to get my anxiety to go away -talking about it helps.

Awww Dont be so hard on yourself, be proud. You have really done alot for yourself. We do this we make ourselves feel like we need that safe person, someone we can lean on. Just moving to a new town, and new state, that would give me anxiety. I know just how you feel except I start 1 week before my husband goes thank goodness its only once a year. I have teenagers so I try to keep busy with them. Try listening to the tapes, and just relaxing. Its hard I know. You are independent, look you go out to the library and get books to keep busy be proud, If it means anything Im really proud of you. You can even get on here the support line and just talk when he is away you will feel better. Keep working at it, it will pass.
Hope you feel better soon Debbi

Hi,
I am the queen of dependency, so I know what you are talking about. I just think that without the proper coping skills, it's normal to feel alone when you move away from family and friends and have to adjust to a new environment. I understand that you hate being dependent because I'm the same way; however, it's just what is familiar for you. You are just learning a new skill, how to be alone and feel comfortable. This means that you have to be your own best friend, like Lucinda Bassett talks about. Plan some fun things while your husband is away, your favorite movies, magazines, food, activities, etc. Pay attention to your internal dialog while you are alone. For example, notice if you have a sense of humour, and really use it. I like to read In Touch magazine because it's cheap and celebrity gossip is such a distraction. I just overall wanted you to know that you are not alone. I'm trying to see Jesus as my best friend, and I am doing better, but no, I'm still dependent, but in time I am going to get better with practice. My eight year old son has autism, so right now it is very hard for me to be alone with him, but I was for an hour last week, and that's a big deal for me. I just think that you have to practice and work up slowly. Don't wait until it's time for your husband to leave. Take a walk by yourself when he's at home, or practice letting him go to the store or you go to the store, etc. Do it in little pieces, and it won't seem overwhelming. I hope this helps, and I really do understand. Also, you know, if you just want company that's O.K. It doesn't have to mean you are dependent. Sometimes, I think I have problems with attachment. For instance, I just need to admit that I like someone and want to be around them which is scary because that makes me vulnerable so a panic attack is the way to keep others around me and under my control. For example, they have to be there when I need them, and it's not just because I enjoy their company. I hope that makes sense. I'm not saying that that is what is going on with you, but it looks like you are scared to admit you need others. We are human beings who really do need each other at times. We need support sometimes, so I do think it's O.K. to invite someone to stay with you, but present it in a way that shows that you just want their company because it would be fun. I hope I'm not being too presumptuous. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless You,
luvpiggy

Debbie and luvpiggy THANK YOU SO MUCH for your kind words. It made me feel better. Diane, I thank you for saying, "If it means anything Im really proud of you" those words meant a lot because I don't hear it too often from myself or family and when they do it just does not feel right if you understand what I am saying, sometimes it takes strangers to make you see things that people around you have been saying for years! Livpiggy, you are so right in that I need to trust in the Lord and make him my best friend. I have my bible next to me in my nightstand and have scriptures that are related to worry and fear but I do not read it as often as I should. It has taken me awhile to admit that I need to have someone around and it was not a big epiphany when I was working in the handbook-I knew it but just not want to admit it out loud and when I told my husband finally he was the one who said I never was alone, I always knew he or my mom would be home even though I did things alone such as movies and museums I always depended on having someone around or knew someone would be around.Even in college I had a roomate around. I felt embarrased to feel this way in my 30's. I felt like a spoiled brat! If I had friends down here I would invite them over for dinner or to come over to just visit. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone during times of panic attacks etc I do feel alone along with embarrasment or shame but anyways, thank you so much from the bottom of my anxious heart