Hello,

Sorry, but I am new to this "community," but I turn here in hope of helping to find ways to help my girlfriend overcome her anxiety, her "What if...?" thinking, and her fear of going through "an empty nest."

Let me start out to say that I am going out with a woman who is not officially divorced. He filed the papers more than 2 months ago, so it may take until the end of this year before it is official. Time will tell.

I have been divorced for nearly 3 years. I was not necessarily looking for a relationship, but when we met, I was hooked. SHe is beautiful, loving, caring and eyes that will melt you.

This woman has confided in me that she suffers from anxiety. It kicked in hard about a month ago and I was uncertain what was going on. She seemed so distant and standoff-ish. At first I thought it was ME that was doing something wrong or causing her to be not as affectionate.

When I got the nerve, I finally asked her waht was going on. I wanted to know if I did something or said something to make her so distant in throught. What she told me was that her anxiety kicked in. Her 14-year-old daughter was going to be with her ex-spose for 2 weeks and she just was not used to that. She feared the worst. She was anxious about all of this. She fretted over losing her daughter for those 2 weeks. It was like she cried at the drop of a hat.

I encouraged her to talk to a counselor about this. What she did was eventually get the "Attacking Anxiety and Depression" tape program. We watched one of the DVDs together. Unfortunately, she is not following the program as it is supposed to be followed. Yet, she admits openly to me that she fears when her 23-year-old son (who just graduated from college and is living at home because he has not found a job)finds a full-time job and lives out on his own; and when her 21-year-old daughter, who is also currently living at home, returns to college and lives on campus (which is only 15 minutes away). She also worries NOW about her 14-year-old daughter leaving the nest, eventually.

These thoughts do not crop up all the time, but lately they have -- leaving me to wonder how can I help such a person? I will take any suggestions and advice I can get because I really, really do want to help this woman. When she does not have these attacks, I can't get enough of this woman. However, when she experiences these anxiety attacks, she becomes very distant, as if I am not even there. It is difficult for me, just as I am sure it is difficult for her.

I must tell you about the latest incident, as this is what prompts me to write. Together we recently drove 3 hours to be at a lakefront condo over a Friday-Sunday time span. We met her younger sister there, along with her brother-in-law. Friday night was good, but by mid-Saturday, I could tell that my girlfriend was acting "different." She was distant. Again, I thought maybe I had done something wrong.

By Saturday evening, before going to bed, she confessed that she was going through those "What if..?" thoughts. In fact, she wanted to read a magazine article before going to bed. After reading the article, she joined me in bed, only to say she needed to go for a walk.

She has informed me before that a walk calms her down. I wanted to go along for the walk, but I opted to let her be by herself. She did not stay out long before returning to bed.

In truth, I may have been just as emotionally drained as she was, as I was trying and trying to think of what I could do to help. If I had a magic wand that could erase those crushing thoughts of hers, I'd use it. In an instant!!

By the time her sister and brother-in-law left late Sunday afternoon, she confided on the drive back that she was still struggling with the "What if...?" thoughts. I told her that I sensed something was wrong, but feared that I had done something to prompt her distance towards me. She immediately said it was not me, saying "No, I am not mad at you at all. It's just the thoughts of losing my kids..." She broke up crying again and all I could do was touch her and console her (as she was driving the car). I felt somewhat relieved that I did not do anything wrong, but I was frustrated not knowing what to do, say, or help.

During a stop for gas, she did touch me and said I was a saint for being there. I felt good, but I wanted to help her more and asked that she please talk to me when she has these horrible thoughts. Maybe, I thought, we could talk them through together.

In truth, I am STILL at a loss of what to do. Or say. Or help. I do know that the "other" woman -- the one who changes when she tosses around those mind-numbing "What if...?" thoughts -- is not exactly fun to be around, but I do know it is far more of a struggle for her. I don't want her to have these thoughts ...so, what can I do???

I do hope someone can supply me with help, ways to reach this woman so she can erase these "What if..." thoughts. Please help. Please.

Hi there!
I would love to help you out!
I am suffered with anxiety my whole lofe. I am 23 years old. I am going through the program, I have two more lessons left. I LOVE this program! It si a saint adn just what I needed or anyone needs that suffers from anxiety or stress or depression. My biggest symptom was scary thoughts. Although Mine were that I was afraid that I would hurt or kill someone or myself. Wierd I know! I can laugh at it now but It was NOT scary at all when I was experiencing them. I now know how to handle them. She needs to not give the thought any POWER what so ever! She is worrying about something that hasn;t happened yet. Her thoughts are just a distraction from soemthing that is really bothering her, like her divorce perhaps. Maybe she subconsiously is afraid of being "alone" maybe she was so shaken by her getting a divorce, by having her husband leave her that she is afraid that her kids will do the same. So instead of handle that situation, she distracts herself, effectively I may say, with the most scary frightening thing, which to her is having her children leave, and it takes her awasy from what is really trruly bothering her.
She needs to do the program, day by day, week by week, lesson by lesson. That is extremely IMPRTANT! Do not let her skip around, make sure she does the workbook, journals, and does the relaxation tape. The greaT THING ABOIUT THIS PROGRAM IS THAT it helps people help themselves! the bad thing is that you can;t help her and she has to help herself. If she wants to! Only then can she free herself of these scary thoughts!
I hope you just keep on talking with her adn as uncomfortable and frustrating it is for you just hang in there for her! It is hard work and a process but you obviously care enough about her to write on this for help! As miuch as you don;t understand it , thats ok! MY boyfriend helped me thorhg this whole thing, AZt first he didn;t know what to say at atll!! It was extreme;y frustrating for myself and him! But he kjust kept on encouraging me! IOnce II started to learn the skills and start using them I wanted to share with him what I learned, Now even himself has benefited fromt hem!
Hang in there and write me u have any more q's!
Hope I helped a bit!
Lisa

Big O
She needs to stick with the program, do it step by step. There is no magic pill or wand for this unfortunately. Its lots of hard work and practice of the skills the programs gives you. I understand her fearing the empty nest thing. Already been there done that. But, insteand of what ifs that are bad,, tell her to do positive what ifs! Like what if she is really happy once the kids are gone. what if she has more time for herself. What if the two of you can be closer in your relationship. What if she actually feels free once the kids have thier own independence? Positive thoughts, are awesome, and they help fight the negative ones. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, so those of us with anxeity, work on JUST TODAY!!! What can we do positive for ourselves TODAY!! She is very fortunate to have someone who loves her like you do. This isnt always the case. If she is really determined to get better, she has to do the program though. Thats where the key is, and SHE has to DO IT!!!!! Take care, Nelly

Mello Nello,

Thanks ever so much for answering. I am hoping to get more insights from others.

The most difficult task I am having is steering her to the program. I know that she has talked to a "Judy" in the Customer Support area of Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety, but, according to my friend, "Judy" informed her to go through a coaching program. In truth, I do not believe she has followed up, but I DO know she has spoken to a counselor she once had, and this counselor has given her some medication (and, I am afraid I do not recall the name of it). Anyway, I did encourage her to continue seeing the counselor, as it takes counseling in addition to any medication. Right?

I am to go on a week's vacation starting Monday with this woman. She will be bringing her two daughters along, and her sister and brother-in-law will be joining in, as will their two sons. We are going to Orlando, so I am going to try to have as much fun as possible with one and all. However, I am still afraid anxiety will rear its ugly head and make the trip somewhat difficult. I just have to remember this and try to be supportive. I just hope she can continue to tell me when she experiences these anxiety attacks, because she does hide these very well.

In the end, though, I KNOW it will have to be HER who wants to suppress these attacks and not let them interfer with her life and relationships. I pray to God that He helps her see the light. I don't want to lose this woman.

Pray for me and her, will you? And, of course, please send along any other words of advice. I could use them.

Big O The only thing I can help with is to hang in there for her. When you get the anxiety, and what if thoughts, it is like an out of body experience. You are not in the present moment, so that may account for the silence, you are so into your feelings nothing else is going on around you that you can focus on. If she is having anxiety and panic attacks which are a horrible feeling. I cannot stress the word horrible enough when you are going through one. The medication will change things to so keep an eye out on those, usually they will not work right away, they have to build up in your system and your body as to get used to the changes. When I took the medications they made me feel worse in the beginning, but eventually they worked or I went off of them. I do not push medication, buy there are many out there they may work for her if this was does not. Right now you need to encourage, support, listen, and try not to taken it so personally. After my divorce was a very stressful time, it is like a another failure in your life and it can trigger all these emotions. Every little thing seems bigger than it is. I have had anxiety problems for about 35 years. Many ups and downs. I am always learning something new. I wish you all the best and put some time away for yourself, take care of you also. My husband loves golf go do something you enjoy. Come back on and let us know how things are going. It is not easy for the people on the sidelines.
God gift is called the "present". Best Wishes