Hi everyone! During these last two weeks, i have felt better than i have in such a long time.....much more energy, calm, patience with myself, positive outlook, expectations of recovery from something that has kept me imprisoned for so many years!! AND, at the same time, ( I am saying 'and', rather than 'but', which tends to disqualify) there is so much crap going on in this head of mine (what else is knew!)...questioning the program, wondering how it fits in to another practice i do which i find essential (which is working with feelings in order to uncover ancient problems and subsequently let go of them)....anyway, on and on the mind goes, and i am thinking that all of this 'noise' in the head which only causes disruption and confusion....is there because a part of me is actually afraid of becoming well!! Can anyone relate to this? Afraid of becoming free, and being 'out there' in a way that i have always longed to be. Yet, it is the unknown, and therefore a threat. Thank's for any feedback. Linda

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Linda

Lindi, since you were kind enough to consider
my inquiry maybe I can help a bit with yours.
So here goes. I think I remember on one of the tapes Lucinda talking about how common it is for ANXIETY SYMPTOMS to act as a DISTRACTION to cover up another PROBLEM or CONFLICT in our life that we don't want to DEAL with. The anxiety becomes a GREAT EXCUSE to put our life ON HOLD rather than to have to face an ISSUE that we really don't want to face. The anxiety symptoms DISTRACT us from what is really bothering us.

One of the common symptoms of being ANXIOUS is having a whirling or racing mind. Your
THINKING becomes obsessive and you feel like you have to FIGURE OUT WHY you feel tense. It's as if we believe that we can think ourselves OUT of anxiety. It is at times like this that we need to put up that STOP SIGN and practice becoming an expert SELF-SOOTHER and understand the importance of
calming and slowing down the mind.

Hi Kenneth, i truly appreciate your reply. Sounds like you understand that part of the mind. You mentioned that we think we have to FIGURE OUT A WAY, and think ourselves out of anxiety. Oh yeah! It's such a disturbance, because i KNOW of ways, and still this mind of mine makes me go over and over it and i have to make sure i've got it right. Something in me must not TRUST the process, and i go to the place i always went (starting at a very young age)....to the mind, in order to understand, make sense of things, figure it out. I really do know it's something i don't need to do, it isn't as if it helps! This part of my mind is so stubborn that it often WON'T obey that Stop Sign you talked about. This is like a little war going on inside of me, and it's very familiar. In the past, i allowed that element to win. I was defeated by my own mind! Right now, i am looking at what this REALLY is, and doing what i can to stand up to it (so to speak) and stop engaging in the war. I am motivated to do this and finally overcome being 'run' by my own mind! Get it out of the driver's seat!! It's really something....that we (or at least I) are making efforts to change our 'minds', the very thing that has been the strongest influence until now. Not surprising it won't let go easily!! Thank's again Kenneth. Linda (Toronto)

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Linda

Hi Linda. I think I understand your question about being fearful of being "out there" in a way that you have always wanted to be. I've been battling some heightened anxiety lately and that very same question has been going through my mind. If we don't have our "anxiety" excuse for failure, what happens when we really risk doing something new. Also, every once in a while, I can see myself as someone "different" -- i.e., carefree, calm, comfortable, and panic-free. I can see myself playing music, singing, having a really great time being part of a group -- all things that I want to do but often cause me difficulty. I can get really frustrated when I shy away from opportunities to be someone I would like to be because I am fearful that I won't be successful. Being anxious can be miserable but it is at least familiar and often predictable. Letting go of the familiar can be so difficult. I'm not so sure that it is a fear of being well but instead a fear of the unfamiliar and a lack of confidence in ourselves. I want to take that leap, and sometimes I do, but it often feels like I have a rope tied around my waist, pulling me back to familiar territory.

I've been reading one of my favorite books and I ran across a quote today that I plan to type in big letters and place in strategic locations around the house. It says, "You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them." I like the thought of my real self as a playful spiritual being! Maybe I just need to play more! On that note, I think I'll go outside and swing....

Thank you Mountaingirl! What a beautiful message! That is absolutely right....it's a fear of living an unknown life (the one that is authentically me) BECAUSE of a lack of confidence, or belief in myself on some level. That is WHY i never made manifest in this world.... what and who i truly am. In so many ways, nobody could ever imagine that, because in so many areas of my life, my personality shines and i DO feel confident! This type of confidence we're talking about goes much, much deeper. I think it's the place we covered up with our personalities. It's so fundamental. So yeah...if i couldn't trust it then, why would i suddenly be able to trust it now??!! That is why we have to be very loving and very patient with ourselves. One of the many talents given to me was a good singing voice...so i too LOVE to sing!!!! When i was young, i got all the lead roles in musicals, singing, acting, dancing,etc.. I've always been an artist, and still do the fine art....the more introverted aspect of all of that. At some point, i refused all those 'roles' on stage, the anxiety was just too much. So, i have not become the singer i always wanted to be, more than any other thing. And i haven't gone near so much of what i am, and what i have to offer. The good thing is that i am not sitting here regretting it all. I accept where i am right now, and for the first time in a long while, actually believe i can recover and get my life back. I doubt that i'll be singing, and i may not fulfill many of those desires i once had. But i do receive alot of satisfaction in facilitating others (i am a certified therapist and addiction counsellor) and i'm also thinking of organizing a day for inspirational speakers......a HUGE endeavour, but it came to me the other night after watching an amazing PBS production on Women and Their Wisdom....and it feels right. (i've been organizing arts and crafts shows for years, so i know a bit about that) Anyway, didn't plan to go on and on here. I will return to your reply to me again...just for a reminder. Going this alone vs. using this Forum is a huge difference, isn't it! All the best to you, Linda

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Linda

Linda, I have found that just becoming aware of your internal "observer" that
is continually commenting on your experience is VERY USEFUL. Once you see how your thoughts are often CREATING anxious feelings you can MONITOR your observer and make sure it is working FOR YOU intead of AGAINST YOU.

The way you think also has a lot to do with
how you were raised. Many people who suffer
with anxiety grew up on the emotional rollercoaster of having to deal with an alcholic parent(s) or in some other dysfunctional circumstances. We developed an anxious way of thinking in reaction to our situation. Now we need to learn skills to undo that damage.

And this is Linda back to Kenneth.... thank's for the continuing dialogue. Yes, it is so important to develop an internal observer or witness, that can stand back and see what is going on in there! THIS kind of detachment is invaluable, i find. (i learned alot of this through Buddhist practice) And yes, i became a pretty nervous and watchful little girl very early on. Always vigilent! My father injected fear into me regularly, and my mother was pretty 'cold' back then. I am very grateful that i've grown through alot of that, though of course...the habitual reactions in so many areas still have to be changed. I'm also grateful for the relationship i have with my parents today, especially my mother. We don't see each other very much (3 yrs. now) because i haven't been able to travel. My home is Montreal, and that is very close...but they are old now and not able to get here so easily. Let's keep on working this thing...i look forward to the day we write to each other, celebrating our Freedom!! Regards, Linda

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Linda

Linda, one of your statements really hit home with me as something that continues to cause me some difficulty. I'm talking about the confidence issue and how so many people "see" me as confident and yet I can second-guess myself to death. True, I feel confident in some areas, but the experience with the panic attacks left me questioning my ability to perform and react in a confident, assertive way. I can still look confident and therefore most people think that I am. Realizing that, at times, only heightens the anxiety because I start feeling as if I have to live up to others expectations, i.e., I have to be strong, confident, etc. Can you relate to this?

Confidence has to come from deep within ourselves and, I feel, it has to resonate within our very being. We have to be confident in who we are, not what we are. I think that this is a big issue. I am a living, breathing human being with likes, dislikes, talents, etc. I am part of the larger picture known as "life." I have a place in the same way that every other human being has a place. That's where confidence lies. I'm also a daughter, sister, aunt, an editor, friend, etc. Sometimes those roles come with added expectations that tend to get in the way of me being "me." I know there is a healthy balance between the two but it can be difficult to maintain. And when I don't do a good job at maintaining the balance, I start to give into unrealistic expectations, the anxiety level starts to increase, and my confidence level diminishes. Does this make sense to anyone else?

Hi Mountaingirl! I read your writing earlier today and what i wanted to say was so clear to me! But i had to go out.....well, that's a strange thing to say for someone with agoraphobia!!! But i do go out, like about 5 blocks here and there. Only today i ventured further, with a friend....Yeah!!! Anyway, back to the topic. Now, it's 1:30 a.m. and i'm kinda sleepy, but wanted to reply. About Confidence, and all that 'second guessing'...oh yeah, that's me too. Second guessing and watching myself and all that irritating, annoying mental 'stuff'. This is definately not all the time! But with certain people and sometimes, just being with myself. Although wouldn't want to give the wrong impression here, i like spending quite alot of time on my own, though i am fortunate in having many wonderful friends. (i must be tired, i'm going off in all directions!) I am quite sure that all that badgering we do to ourselves with our minds is there in order to NOT ALLOW US to be ourselves....the authentic and quite wonderful 'selves' that we started out being...the selves we somehow could not feel confident with.(for so many reasons) What i found the most interesting was what you wrote regarding being confident in 'who you are' and not 'what you are'. It's not in front of me now, i think that's how you said it....but i got the drift. About the 'roles' we play....daughter, sister, lover, mother,etc... For me, to realize that the 'roles' truly are not who i REALLY am in essence, is essential. That's how i have come to see this...that our Essence is spiritual, and that there is a place in each one of us that is unencumbered and untainted by all that we have become....all the neurosis and habits and beliefs which limit us, etc... All this is learned, and needs to be disassembled and that's the work. We don't need to learn anything, we need to unlearn it. Carl Jung said, "we don't have to go searching for beings of light, we only have to go through the darkness... the light is already there!" And Michelangelo said something which meant the same thing, When asked how he created the statue of David, he replied "Oh, i didn't...i simply had to chip away at the stone, the image was already there". So, it's about facing what's inside, in order to let go. And as we let go, our true selves emerge, back into the light of our lives! It makes sense that we encounter obstacles on this path, the biggest one being our minds! Because that's the refuge we went to when we didn't know how to handle emotions. So, the mind became our 'protector' so to speak, the place we go to 'figure it all out', and it never works! And that mind is not going to be so quick to relinquish it's 'job' just cause we've decided we want our freedom! I hope i am not making this sound too complicated! In understanding why i have so much difficulty in letting go of these thoughts which try to hold me back from growth and freedom, it allows me to be more patient. And to stop fighting that part of my mind. I have been practicing spiritual growth and been in therapy on and off for years, and still have this mind of mine left to change! (it actually seems to be working lately) Some people tend to 'hide out' in their spirituality and don't want to work through the psychological and emotional stuff. Doesn't work. Others only concentrate on the latter, with no comprehension of their spiritual natures, and that makes it so hard. (i think i'm rambling on too much, forgive me. Let me know if this makes any sense to you. Listening to tapes (for years) by one of my favourite teachers, Ram Dass, has kept me on a path i wouldn't want to give up for anything, and it works well with this recovery program at the Midwest. Okay, that's it, i'm off! God bless and have a great Monday. Linda

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Linda

Lindi:

You didn't mention how far into the program you are.

I thought I wasn't doing so good (one day when I wasn't feeling that great) so I went back to re-start the program (thoroughly this time). I covered up my answers to the questionnaire in the introdction area of our workbook and reanswered all the questions. Much to my delight I scored a 34. When I first started the program I scored a 47.

I saw how much better I had gotten and realized I am improving and buckled under to re-do the program as we're supposed to.

Originally, I did it half-a**ed. I basically just listened to the tapes and when I started to feel better and starting getting out into restaurants, etc., I quit listening to the relaxation tape (unless I was having a particularly stressful day), and did very little journaling (maybe once every week or two).



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Always Hopeful, Betsy H.
Marietta, GA (East Cobb)

Hi Linda! All I can say is WOW! YES!! I understand! So much of what you said makes sense. I especially liked your comment about our essence being spiritual. I think that is so true. Its as if a part of me knows how to be happy, free, peaceful and it struggles to come to the surface.

I loved the quote about Michaelangelo. It reminded me of playing music. I've had experiences as a musician where I couldn't remember how to play a song on my piano but once I closed my eyes and stopped trying to dictate which notes my fingers played, I would be able to play the song. All I had to do was close my eyes and "feel" the music. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here. It just seems so hard to let go -- I've become really good at being "perfect," anxious, a good worker, etc. Now if I could only learn to close my eyes and "feel" life without anxiety.

Hi again Mountaingirl! I just happened to open the computer about 20 minutes after your posting here, and i am so glad that you received what i said in the way you did! (you never know if that sort of thing could sound 'off the wall' to someone else!) From what you had written, it seemed that you viewed things in a similar way. I love what you said about playing the piano! One of the things i always LONGED to do in life, was to sing...it always filled me with tremendous joy....and when my mind wasn't in the way, it was like going to heaven!! (my vocal chords aren't in good shape right now, so cannot sing very well.....i am still a smoker, and that is one addiction i am dreading facing. Though i am planning on it, and hopefully can develop a much better attitude!) That's it for now...thank's again. God bless, Linda P.S. Yes, that feeling that happens when you play the piano in a way that just emerges from all your feelings being present....that is what it is to be Totally Present. I hope we learn to give ourselves that gift, that is ours inherently.

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Linda