First post here... hello, friends! I'm afraid this is going to be a long one, please bear with me...

First of all, I'll admit that I've been jumping around between the lessons because of the urgency of my needs, and i need to not do that.

That being said, here's my immediate question: I play the piano in theatre for a living--- for shows and also for auditions. I currently have a job playing a show and we have about 14 performances left.... I am in the middle of the worst anxiety/obsessive thinking bout of my life so far, and I have been thinking of this job as sort of a boot camp.... I have shown up on time every day and done absolutely everything, in spite of a growing list of obsessive thoughts and body feelings.

Isn't it weird when from the outside you're functioning at an extremely high level, when all the while you're entertaining the most maddening thoughts and sensations inside yourself?

This week, I started to feel like I can't take it anymore. I had started to be okay-ish with rehearsals, i'd sort of adapted, ish.... but now performances have started and that takes it to a whole other level, and there's just a LOT of me thinking that i'm about to walk off the stage! You must know what i mean.... Of course most nights i get to the end of the show and feel good about having made it through and almost forget what hell it's going to be the next day all over again. The life of performing in a show is just so ritualized, it makes it extremely hard to break a pattern within the context of that daily life! I am developing exercises for my situation... I actually have been forcing myself to do the relaxation tape sitting in a chair instead of in bed, in order to teach my body to think of a chair as a place i can feel safe so that i can transfer that to the show, so i don't sit there thinking "If only I could just lie down!" I'm working really hard at this, but I AM TIRED and i am short on WILL and HOPE.

So, I am thinking of quitting the show... aside from all the other aspects, what I'm most scared of is, if i quit now, will it make it even harder to come back to playing the piano, because I gave in to the "disorder"? I guess my feeling is, if you avoid anything, then you lose major points in this WAR... and I can't afford to.... but it's now affecting my stomach too, the IBS has returned and it's sent me over the edge.

Any thoughts about this?

Thank you so much in advance... I applaud all of you for what you're doing!

Morning Timshel,

First of all, I applaud you for having the courage to go onstage and deal with your anxiety. It sounds like you have anticipatory anxiety and once you make it through your performance, you feel so good. Having some anxiety is normal. When I was in High School, I was a part of the bandfront and we performed in front of thousands of people when our band would make it to state finals. I would get a "rush" just standing there waiting for our performance to start. Now, I couldn't imagine standing in front of 10 people!!! The anxiety has changed my thinking and has made me feel like I can't do much of anything. I am tired of fighting this disorder and at times, feel defeated when it wins but I am going to continue to move forward and win the war!

I think you are doing great and if this career is what you want to do, keep pushing yourself through those obsessive thoughts and eventually you will change the way you think and will once again enjoy performing instead of dreading it.

My son has some anxiety (guess he gets it from his mom) and is currently seeking help with a therapist. She has been wonderful with him (he is 10)and just Friday night she told him that when he gets anxious before going to summer camp or doing anything he has never done before, he needs to turn of the "stinkin thinkin" and think positive thoughts. Don't we all have that "stinkin thinkin" going on and need to learn how to change our negative thoughts into positive.

Yesterday, I had to drive the interstate with my son in the car because my husband sold his truck and we needed to drive into the city. I was very anxious because I have agoraphobia on top of the anxiety but the whole way there, my son kept repeating to me, "no stinkin thinkin mom, you can do this". I made it through the anxiety but it was hard.

I think that is a great idea of doing your relaxation sitting up because your mind will "learn" how to relax while sitting there during your performance.

Don't let this anxiety beat you. Just keep telling yourself that you CAN do this and push yourself through those thoughts. We are all here to support you!!

Good luck and I wish you the best!!!

Cherie