Last night was one of the worst nights I ever had in such a long time. I've been friends with this girl for almost a year now, and she was always really kind to me and generous and a good friend overall. Well she had feelings for me from the get go, but I wasn't yet over my past relationship (one which almost caused me to take my own life). I told her over and over again that I wasn't ready to date anyone, yet time and time again she would say things that made me feel guilty for not dating her. Sometimes she would say that she was just content with us being friends, but other times she would try and force the opposite on me.

Well for the past few months I hardly ever call her, because well it is a sort of self-esteem thing for me. I feel not good enough to call her in a way as silly as that sounds. Well this past week we didn't talk at all, she never called me like she usually does. I finally got over my fear and called her, and I was also getting to the point where I felt I really wanted to try and date her and get past my fears. Well it turns out that within less than a week's time she already met someone and started dating them. The last two times something like this happened to me I spent the new few months hardly ever sleeping and having nightmares and panic attacks literally 24/7. I didn't have an appetite and was always sick to my stomach. The first one I even ended up in the hospital suicidal.

Well last night I begged her to come over because I desperately needed someone to talk to, I was flipping out so bad I had no idea what I would do.

She offered actually to come over before I even asked but changed her mind because she didn't want to lose the guy's trust she said. I was so bad off last night that I told her just to bring the guy over if she wanted, I didn't care I just wanted someone to be there for me if even for a brief moment.

I'm not one to fight, but I when they got to my house I said only one thing pretty much and then I punched the guy and we started fighting. They ended up leaving and my friend called 911 because she said she was scared I'd hurt myself. The cops came but I convinced them that I was OK. I know I shouldn't have hit the guy, but I was panicking so bad that I would have hit anyone sadly, and that isn't typically me. Truth is I have been panicking ever since I found out that she had someone already last night. I know what I am supposed to do to rid myself of a panic attack, but they come one after another now just like the times in my past I dealt with this. I'm scared to death honestly, so very afraid. I know that I will spend the next few weeks panicking non stop, and I don't think anything can be done about it.

Thanks so much for anyone that takes the time to read this, I appreciate any feedback also.

peace & Love
-Dustin

Dustin are you doing the program? Are you recieving help from a doctor?

It is so hard to live in a state of panic, anxiety and fear. Many years ago I tried suicide and cutting.....now I know I was screaming for help. You need a support system of more than one person. YOUR LIFE IS SOOOOO VALUABLE.My heart just breaks for you. Give yourself credit it does not sound like you are ready for another relationship. Thats a wise choice...you need to work on you for you. Be kind to yourself try to understand that you are hurt and angry as to how things ended up. Sounds like to me you admit you were wrong now you may need to apologize as well.

Know that I am thinking and praying for you today...I will pray guidance and wisdom. Please seek out some form of support for yourself..someone who can help you through this. There a lot of people here whom can relate I encourage you to Keep posting and listening to thier advice as well. Hang in there.

Dustin B

It is really awesome that you recognize this and the realization alone is a huge accomplishment.

Based on what I read in your post, you are going through some really tough times right now. Is there any particular fear right now that is more predominant than any others?

I would definately be willing to help you out. First we need to know is why you are in the position you are right now.


Mike

Its funny that you ask about the program. Truth be told I've started and restarted the program so many times, but never actually going through with it to the end. Something always ends up happening in my life that I allow to through me off track. The farthest I've ever gotten was to session 6, and to be completely honest it was the best I've ever felt as far as anxiety goes throughout the 22 years of my life so far.

Now I just can't seem to find anything to motivate me anymore like I used to be able to.

To answer your question NinjaFrodo, as ashamed I am of answering it my self-esteem is what kills me the most. I worry that she found someone more caring than me, a better kisser than me, a better everything than me. Sadly, that scares the life out of me and this isn't the first time this has happened in my life. I also feel like a horrible person because in the beginning I am always extra kind and generous to people I get close too, but in time I am somehow too afraid to show appreciation for things they do for me. I don't want to feel so badly about myself, but I do and I hate it. I don't drive or work because of my anxiety and I believe that makes my self-esteem even worse. I want o get better, I want to be able to shine through like I always thoughts I could. I want to help people, and share love and kindness with those around me. I want to improve how I feel and be the person I know I can be. Sorry for babbling on guys. I can't thank you enough for responding to me, it does help. Thanks for being so very kind to me also, it means a lot.

Peace & Love
-Dustin

Dustin B:
Please don't give up! When I read your posts, I just want to reach out and give you a hug. Can you feel my caring arms around you? Please realize that there are people who care about you. If you really want to get better, make that commitment to get better. Start the program again and we will get through it together. When you struggle, just remember how good you felt when you did the program in the past. Let that be you motivation. Maybe you need to get professional help while you are doing the program. And remember, people like you and I (and the rest of the anxious people)make the best lovers, spouses, friends, employees, parents...because we are sensitive and caring. The personality traits that make us prone to anxiety and depression are, in my opinion, the best, most positive traits to have. We just need to learn how to direct them outward and use them that way.

Try to focus on something positive. Even if it is something very small. I have to focus on even the smallest accomplishments or my tendency toward perfectionism gets the best of me. You made a huge step in just posting your thoughts and feelings. You are INCREDIBLE!!!
Let me know anyway that I can help.
Your friend, Leah

Dustin B

First of all, whatever you are right now is based upon everything you've experienced. If you were perfect, then I'd be concerned. What gives you the right to feel ashamed of yourself? How much shame do you think it will take before you overcome anxiety?

quote:

Sadly, that scares the life out of me and this isn't the first time this has happened in my life.

Is it really about her? You said, this has happened before and you almost became suicidal. You also stated that this girl really liked you but you weren't ready for a relationship right now and now she found someone else. There is something deeper than this.

Here is one last question for this post. How do you relate with people in general?

Mike

I could so much use a hug right now, and the thought of you wanting to give me a hug is comforting in itself Leah.

It is very true that we are some of the most caring, considerate people, but like others I'm sure I focus way too much on what makes me a bad person.

I am restarting the program today and I will do my best to follow through to the end. I'm tired of being miserable all the time. I'm sick of always worrying what will happen next that will send me on a weekly panic spree. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, and feeling like I'm not worth anyone's time. Most of all though I'm tired of not doing anything about it. So I'm starting the program today and I plan on going for a drive to get over my fears. I know I'm supposed to wait later on into the program to face my fears, but I've done it before early on I can do it again. I might as well make the best of it.


In response to NinjaFrodo:

I suppose in reality I shouldn't be ashamed of what I mentioned. Its is mostly a, "I'm a horrible person" kinda thing.

I think what it is for me is that I don't like to let members of the opposite sex close to me, the 3 times I did in my life it all ended so badly. When I get close to someone like I did with her recently I become attached. I feel as if they are my lifeline I suppose you could say.
The only times I've ever really questioned hurting myself in my life were the few times I lost that certain person at the time. It isn't so much the depression that destroys me as it is the seemingly non-stop panic attacks that come and go so frequently.

I may seem like a moron but I'm not sure how to answer your last question, I am not sure exactly what you mean by it. :u/

Dustin, I only skimmed through this thread, but if I could give you one bit of advice, it would be to get through this program - all the way through - at all costs.

I am twice your age and wish I had this at my fingertips back in my 20's, there'd be so much more freedom in my life. I won't allow myself regret because I have a beautiful family and believe that God lead me this way, but I still think of all that I could have done and all the freedom I would have had, had I done this program earlier.

I know things seem intense right now to you, but taking care of yourself at this point is your priority and so very critical - since you are single what better time to take advantage of this than right now. Take the bull by the horns!

Dustin, I am also much older than you and it makes me so very sad to see so much pain in someone so young. I hope that you can get started again and stick with the program. You have alot of wonderful years ahead of you and you will enjoy them so much more if you conquer your fears and anxiety. Work on that self esteem! That is a major element,and once you learn to love yourself and be kind to yourself, the rest will follow much easier.
I wish you the best,dear, keep going, no matter what.
Pam

You said you focus way too much on what makes you a horrible person. Is it what you've done that makes you think you're a bad person? Or is it the things that people expect you to do that because of where you are in life, they are difficult or impossible to do?

quote:

I am restarting the program today and I will do my best to follow through to the end. I'm tired of being miserable all the time. I'm sick of always worrying what will happen next that will send me on a weekly panic spree. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, and feeling like I'm not worth anyone's time. Most of all though I'm tired of not doing anything about it. So I'm starting the program today and I plan on going for a drive to get over my fears. I know I'm supposed to wait later on into the program to face my fears, but I've done it before early on I can do it again. I might as well make the best of it.

Great! You know the purpose of doing the program now. It is very common to start and stop the program for many people but as long as you can remember the "Purpose" (what you will have if you stop trying). Well this is part of the purpose but since your still pretty green, this is good enough for now.

Now you said you don't like to let members of the opposite sex close to you, you get attached and they become their lifeline. You also said you thought of hurting yourself when you had lost that person. So are you afraid of getting attached because of the ending?

You should really look up the definition to moron.

How would you say your friendships are like? How do you relate to your friends?


Mike

Dustin I am sorry to hear that you are going thorough such a rough patch right now. But please try to be kind and patient with yourself.

Yes panic attacks are horrible and they do a number on your self esteem. You are so young with so much of your life ahead of you. You are a caring sensitive person who is having a tough time right now. Maybe it might help to reach out to someone professionally. The program can definitely help you so please restart it. The support on these forums are wonderful. It is full of so many kind and compassionate people. Know that you are not alone.

I will say a prayer for you. Take care and God Bless you.

Thank God for my wife. She is a saint.

Paulatpet2

I'm greatful that you're relieved and not having to deal with Dustin's situation but do you think that was really appropriate to say that here? Do you think that kind of comment is going to make him feel any better?

What I see is you're putting yourself about Dustin. It's not nice.


Mike

Dustin,
I've read this thread as well as most of the wisdom quotes on your Myspace page. You have a beautiful spirit, and I hope you find your joy, sooner, rather than later. I really appreciate your openness and honesty -- in my experience those two traits are usually lead to comfort and peace. Keep working the programs. At 49, I'm roughly twice your age, but I do remember the trials of my early 20's. I have to share a thought about the distress you've had with members of the opposite sex. I had these too, and I always felt that to be normal, I had to have a girlfriend and someday a wife. Well, 20's years later, I figured out the problem, which is that I can only form emotional intimacy with another man. Call me gay or bi or tri -- but for years I looked in the wrong places for intimacy, and the despair and loneliness nearly killed me. I'm not trying to recruit you to any way of life. But maybe you're looking in the wrong place for intimacy. Godspeed, Adam

Dude I know how you feel this has cost me a previous relationship in the past in fall 06...i'm pretty paranoid right now since the only significat things that have changed are that I am of legal age (19 going on 20), I have my driver's license, and I have a car. The stifling anxiety and depression are still there if not worse. I may have picked up OCD, and I definitely panic in most situations now...