Hi Maureen,
Boy, that last post was a rambler. See if I can do better.
Do you allow people to manipulate you when you feel guilty? I see people who do that all the time. As far as the swimming goes, you did the best you could do. And it sounds like you would have stayed if the 4 year old had been OK. On the lessons they do talk about handing these skills down to ones children, but I have no experience with that. Do you see signs of anxiety and/or depression in your kids? Was the 4 year old afraid of swimming? I don't really know what to say - feel very unqualified.

I know, people who don't have a problem with depression are severely lacking in compassion. There are a couple people at work like that. Hey, at least your husband is trying. Poor guy - we don't even know what to say to OURSELVES - how's he supposed to know?

Sometimes what I want is for someone to just listen to me without making suggestions or making any demands on me (including the demand to feel better). That's one of the things that bothers me about people trying to cheer me up when I'm depressed. They get offended if it doesn't work!

Anyway, better luck next time Take care. Anita

Hi Anita,
Thanks for your posts. I didn't think the first one was rambly at all -- I followed every word! I think our brains are just wired similarly :-). So, feel free to ramble away any time.

Thanks for trying to help me out with the whole kids/swim lesson issue. I am sorry I threw that on you -- I was really just venting about how a couple things went wrong, and it ended up ruining my whole day. I thought I was prepared for stuff to go wrong, but I still got overwhelmed! What I have figured out since then is that I REALLY need to go through all the tapes and homework again! Guilt and worry are biggies for me (as you guessed -- and yes, I am easily manipulated when I feel guilty, especially by my daughter!). And that old negative thinking habit. It amazes me what a habit it truly is.

Trying to please everyone all the time -- that pretty much sums me up, especially now with my kids. When they aren't happy I feel like I need to fix it or else I have failed them in some way. I know that's not rational, and it's mostly on a subconscious level where I am feeling that way, but it is such a powerful feeling. I am sure it has a lot to do with trying to make up for what I didn't get when I was a kid ... there were no horror stories or anything, just emotional neglect which affected me very deeply. Now I see myself trying to overcompensate with my girls, and probably "over-identify" with them (there is some psycho-babble for ya!). Anyway, all that to say, I am one of those "people-pleasers."

I am sorry to hear about your marriages not working out. That must have been so hard for you. I have no doubt that I would be divorced right now if I had married any younger (I was 30 by the time I did get married). I was just plain lucky that 1) the relationships I had in my 20s fell apart before marriage, 2) I had pulled myself together by the time I got married, by going back to church and changing my perspective on things (e.g. realizing I would never be swept away by a knight in shining armor), and 3) I literally ended up marrying a saint.

And even though it's hard for me to say this, even though I love my husband and kids, there have been times I have longed to live alone, with a dog and my 2 cats. Relationships can be so draining and overwhelming for me.

I am sorry for going so long on this post -- but I wanted to mention your crawl space project. First of all, WOW, I am amazed that you would even know where to begin to insulate a crawl space! I am impressed. Second, do you find that happening often, with other projects too? Where you start out with enthusiasm and then kind of fizzle out after the novelty wears off? I do that a lot. I have been diagnosed with "Adult ADD" by several doctors ... at first I didn't believe the guy who dx'd me. It was right after I had my first daughter. Since I've had my 2nd daughter, there is no doubt in any professional's mind, or in my own mind, that I have ADD. (You should see my house, and how I turn in circles all day and get nothing accomplished!). Anyway, one of the attributes of ADD is needing to have something new to get motivated -- a sense of novelty. Needing that "feeling" to get started on something or to finish a project. I am not saying you have ADD, but I am just wondering if there might be something to that. I was never diagnosed as a kid because I was bright and flew through school with good grades -- but I also daydreamed and doodled all through my classes. I am getting off an a huge tangent here ... but just something to chew on for you.

As far as my expectations of the program, I didn't really expect much this time around. I had actually tried to go through the program about 5 years ago, and only made it to Lesson 5. This past November I got a call from Midwest Center telling me about their coaching program. My husband had just received a bonus so I was able to afford it, and I jumped at the opportunity. I did expect to at least get through the program with the help of a coach, but I had a good idea of what the program entailed, and I have been through so much in the line of therapy, medication, etc., that I have learned the hard way not to get my hopes up. I am pleased with all I have learned, but I have been disappointed that I went downhill so quickly once the program was over. It was hard not having my weekly coaching calls anymore. Perhaps somewhere deep inside I felt a bit "abandoned." I know that sounds corny, but I think there is some truth to that one for me.

I could keep writing but I have already rambled my way through who knows how many words!

Thanks for everything! Take care and keep in touch! I am glad you liked Tape 4.

Maureen

Hi Anita,
After re-reading that novel I just wrote to you I am even more sorry for how long I went on, and for basically telling you my life story. yikes!
maureen

Maureen,
How the heck do you get that much space to write? I always seem to run out of space. And don't bother apologizing for the novel, I love to read!
As for the crawl space project, one thing I really enjoy is researching and learning about things, so that's how I figured out what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. And yes, I'm great at starting things and not finishing them. I don't think I have ADD, but it's an interesting thought to consider. I more identified with a comment Ken made (can't remember which lesson) about us analytical types getting bored at work. He said once we learn a task, it becomes a drill. And that's exactly how I feel about my job of 11 years, totally bored. But it's the kind of work for which I'm well suited. Sure beats dealing with people all day! He went on to say we resort to obsessive thinking as a way of distracting ourselves. That made sense to me too after I thought about it. Then I cringed when I kept track of what I was obsessing about. Almost all day I fantasize about negative encounters I'd like to have with people! I spend the whole day telling people off in my mind! THAT was an eye opener, but it also emphasized the need to practice assertiveness. Apparently I have a lot of unresolved issues with a lot of people. I tend not to stand up for myself until I'm really angry, then I behave very aggressively. I even recognize the payoff - people tend to leave me alone. Still, I don't think it's healthy for me or them. And to be honest, the week I was studying assertiveness and practicing the skills, I really felt good about myself and was less annoyed with others.
One thing that I'm thrilled about is that I deal much more effectively with my dog since going through the program. I am a big fan of Cesar Millan (the Dog Whisperer on National Geographic) and he encourages dog owners to practice what he calls "calm-assertiveness" when dealing with their dogs. I always understood the concept, but could not internalize that feeling. For some reason, I can now be calm-assertive with Toby 95% of the time. And my relationship with him has improved tremendously. His behavior has improved markedly since I've done the program and I know there's a connection.
Talk to you later. Take care.
Anita

Maureen,
I just had to write again. I'm so excited. I just had a SPONTANEOUS, POSITIVE thought! I didn't have to force it, it just came to me. I was thinking about our discussion on not following through on projects, when it occurred to me "But you did finish the program". And so did you, Maureen. In fact, one of my fears about starting the program was that I wouldn't finish it. I have been greatly encouraged by that one thought.

I just pulled out the workbook, intending to read lessons 3 & 4, but it fell open at lesson 7 (coincidence? I think not.) Lesson 7 is on assertive behavior. I read it, I need it, and I will listen to that tape tomorrow on my work commute. Much of my depression stems from feeling like a victim i.e. not standing up for myself. Part of that is because I'm not much of a talker, prefer to express myself in writing. But it's mostly because I've been ridiculed so often throughout my life because I don't think like most people. Very familiar with the phrase "what's WRONG with you?" So, trying to avoid that criticism as well as conflict in general, I let people step on me without saying anything. It's my responsibility to change that, and I expect I will need help with it. Often I don't even know what to say, and I hate it when someone wants to debate with me. I am not a good off-the-cuff speaker. It takes time for me to put my thoughts into words and I end up looking slow-witted and an easy target. I really want to change this, and I'm really scared to try. The workbook suggested preparing ahead of time for the types of situations that make me feel victimized. I guess one simple phrase would be "I don't appreciate the way you're treating me right now", and I imagine I will have trouble (at least at first) keeping my voice low and calm. I'm scared, but I'm also excited. I hope I can keep this feeling of desire and determination and follow through. I know I will feel better when I do.
I really appreciate you letting me use you as a sounding board. Talking (writing) about it helps me clarify my thoughts.
Take care, and I hope you are having better days now.
Anita

I was briefy reading threw all the posts and it made me kinda worry about the program not working. I have had the program for 4 years and i have not yet finished it i think the furthest i have went is lesson 5 and then stopped and then started over again after a long period of time went by, i guess i have been holding on so long because i am afraid that it wont work for me and then what do i have to go on? nothing?! except what i have been doing and thats taking pills and seeing a dr and therapist i mean who wants to do that their whole life, i am 21 years old i have had anxiety pretty much my entire life, i cant keep a job because of my anxeity. there are so many things thats anxiety has gotten in the way of

Dear Living for the future,
I am sorry it has taken me awhile to get back to you. I am also sorry to hear that you are feeling discouraged by reading through the posts here.

I want to assure you that this program DOES WORK. Don't give up on it! I have been on medication and in therapy for many years, and nothing has helped me as much as this program has.

Perhaps the discouragement you are feeling from reading these posts is that, even after finishing the program, people still struggle. That is normal, and Lucinda talks about this in the last Lessons -- at the end, she says that the program isn't over, it's really just the beginning.

The program works by giving us tools and skills that we can use every day of our lives, and it takes practice for those skills to become "second nature." But from all I have heard, on the tapes and from my coach who I went through the program with, the skills do eventually become second nature, and life just keeps getting better as you work on the skills you have learned.

One thing is for sure: There is no "magic bullet" out there. I used to search for that one thing that would rescue me from my depression and insecurities -- a guy, a pill, alcohol, a therapist, etc. By the time I found this program, I knew better. I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect it would "cure" me. I had hopes that it would help lead me out of my depression and anxieties, and the program has done that ... it has helped, and continues to help, as I continue to work with it.

In Lucinda's book "from Panic to Power" she talks about how all paths to recovery take time, and are like "one step forward, two steps back."

She writes:
"Anything worth having takes a considerable amount of effort... Recovery from anything is usually one step forward, two steps back. Failure is an inevitable part of the path to success... Don't be discouraged if you feel in control one day and totally anxious the next. Just as it took time to develop your fear and anxiety, it also takes time and patience to overcome them."

I just read that yesterday, and it was very encouraging to me! Anita, I wanted to share that with you too.

So, Livin 4 the Future, hang in there, and keep going ... the program is a gift, and you have so many years to enjoy the strength, hope, healing, and skills it will bring you. If only I had found it at age 21!

There is a lot of support on this forum that can help you with questions along the way.

Take care,
Maureen

Hi Anita,
Hooray -- I am finally getting back to you! I should learn not to promise anything when it comes to timing. My husband worked all day and night yesterday, and with the girls it is impossible for me to focus on something for more than a minute (that could be the ADD talking too!)

Anyway, I am glad I can respond to your posts now. On your first post, I was intrigued about Ken's comment, about us analytical types getting bored once we learn a task. THAT'S ME! Maybe my issue isn't ADD after all -- or, most likely it's a combination of ADD plus being overly analytical. The fact that you have been with your job for 11 years, even though you are bored with the work, is very comendable (I think I spelled that wrong). And it defnitely proves you DON'T have ADD!

About your obsessive thinking of telling people off ... what a great insight/revelation you had that assertiveness is the key there. It's also really good that you can recognize the payoff for getting angry. Getting all of this stuff out into the light where you can see it is such a big step. Now you can work on it; it's not embedded where you don't recognize what you are doing.

I am not much different from you in that regard, although instead of thinking about the negative encounters a lot, I vent about other people to my saint of a husband! And I used to talk about other people behind their backs to other friends, but I have stopped that now. I have actually gotten to the point where, if someone has hurt me, or if I sense that something is wrong, I will go right to that person and bring it up in a kind, calm way. I even called a neighbor who didn't invite us to her New Year's Eve party (when the rest of the neighborhood was invited) and asked her if there was some way that I offended her; I just wanted to understand why we weren't invited. (I still can't believe I did that!) I don't know her extremely well, but she lives right across the street, and we talk when we see each other, and all the kids in the neighborhood play together, so it was really painful to look across the street at the poeple and the lights and not be included. I found myself wanting to rip her apart with my other friends in the neighborhood, but decided just to tackle it on my own. This did happen as I was going through the program -- I think it was before the assertiveness chapter, but I am sure the program is what gave me the guts to do that.

I think your progress with your dog says WONDERS about what you have accomplished!! Dogs are "people" as far as I'm concerned (I adore them). They are like perpetual toddlers -- and I know how hard it can be sometimes to live with a toddler! Your ability to be "calm-assertive" with him almost all of the time is amazing!

And that leads me to your next post ... and your positive thought that even though we have trouble following through on projects, we did complete the program! I have to hand it to you the most, since you did it on your own, without the support of a coach. I truly don't think I would have made it through on my own. That is an incredible feat on your part! You deserve to feel good about that. (And you're right, I do too ... I shouldn't poo-poo my completion of it just because I had a coach.)

Getting to know you through our postings makes me feel very sad to hear that people have hurt you and ridiculed you just because you think differently. That someone would actually say "What's WRONG with you!" to you really makes me mad. I have always felt different too -- like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole -- and I am sure people think "what's wrong with me" but have never actually said that to my face. My mom used to constantly say, "You're SO SENSITIVE!!!" in a critical tone, and that in itself knocked me down a few notches every time I heard it. I often make fun of myself around people, saying things like "I'm so scattered," or "I'm a wimp" or "I'm a mess" ... stuff like that ... probably to ward off them saying it to me. And that in itself isn't healthy. I also say "I'm sorry" WAY TOO MUCH, and I need to stop that too.

I am excited for you to try the workbook suggestions about preparing ahead of time for situations where you feel you are being treated poorly. Have you had any opportunity for that yet? I can imagine the mixed feelings you have, of being scared and excited ... it is exciting just to have a plan! I am happy for you, and look forward to hearing how things go for you in that regard.

Thanks for sharing so much with me -- you are really helping me recall the things I learned in the program, and you are inspiring me to get going again on the areas where I really need to focus. I still know that Tape 3 is a biggie for me, and I think my next step is to type out those notes. I also want to go through my workbook and type out notes I wrote from my coach, and the highlighted areas that really spoke to me.

Keep on posting -- I love "chatting" with you and walking along with you!

Take care,
Maureen

Maureen,
Great to hear from you, and thanks so much for your response to L4TF. I'm learning a lot from you. I especially like the quote from Ludinda's book about taking one step forward and then two steps back. How wonderful to know that it's NORMAL to experience that during recovery. Seldom in my life have I ever felt Normal. Hey, there's a first time for everything! It made a lot of sense to me when she said not to be surprised if you feel totally in control one day and totally off your rocker the next. I have definately experienced that.
I began taking notes on Session 3 this weekend. It's going to take me awhile, because there are a LOT of good insights and information there. Seems like every 30 seconds I was hitting the pause button so I could write down something else. This is a good way to help me focus.
Are you sure you have ADD? How could you possibly put together such well thought out and thought-provoking posts if you weren't able to concentrate? Or maybe I don't really understand what ADD is.
Know why I've been at my job 11 years? I can't find another one! The past few years I have made application to several positions and have even had some interviews, but no luck so far. I came real close to getting a job I could have walked to (would have been nice considering increasing fuel prices), but the company's needs changed unexpectedly and it fell through. I'm being picky. Any new job would have to have definate advantages over the one I have, because I usually run into personality conflicts no matter where I go. I can't base my need for change on the people I work with (although that's certainly tempting). I'd like to do something different, but given the current financial climate it may be best for me to stay put for now. There are a limited number of places that will even consider hiring a 51 year old woman with no particular education. Yes, I have experience, but a number of times my lack of educational credentials has been cited as the reason I was not considered a competitive candidate. The positive slant I can choose is - at least I have a job, and it allows me to have some things that are very precious to me. Like my own home where I can have a dog and I don't have to listen to other people's noise through the walls. (I LOVE having my own home, despite the extra work and responsibility).
I am very impressed you confronted your neighbor that way. I would have been afraid to ask the question for fear of what the answer would be. Did you feel good about yourself after you accomplished that? I hope you did. That took a lot of guts.
Oh no, Maureen, we're about to have our first disagreement! Dogs are not "people", that's why I get along with them so well! Seriously, though, one of the reasons people have so many behavior problems with their dogs is that they view them as people, attributing human motives and emotions to their pets that just don't exist. A dog who is not properly exercised or disciplined in a calm assertive manner, will develop all kinds of issues like chewing, digging, barking. Their human says "He's mad..or jealous...or getting revenge." The reality is he has pent up energy he's not allowed to expend, so he finds an activity to release his frustration. Sorry, I get into the dog behavior thing and forget not everybody is as interested in it as I am. I like dogs because they live in the present moment; they don't hold grudges; they are totally non-judgemental, and they are more than happy to accept my affection even though I may not dress a certain way, speak a certain way or make a certain salary.
No - I don't get any more credit for finishing the program than you do. I'm glad you caught yourself at the end of your paragraph and finally took some credit for your own accomplishment. One of the points in Session 3 was that we need to not only gradually replace and eliminate our negative thoughts, but we also need to recognize and praise ourselves for every little accomplishment, no matter how small, that brings us closer to our goals. She said "If you're going to blow something up out of proportion, why not take the positive things you do and blow them up out of proportion." I don't know about you, but a lot of the negative things I dwell on and exaggerate are really pretty miniscule. So it made sense to me when she said to take some small, positive things and exaggerate them. I've even done that a little. Felt a bit silly walking around the house thanking myself for the household chores and yard work I'd accomplished that day, but you know what? It was kind of fun. I often feel underappreciated at work etc. so why not appreciate myself? That's another point made: stop looking outside myself for positive reinforcement. I need to give these things to myself. Yeah, it feels a bit uncomfortable. But who am I hurting? And it certainly gives me a boost.
Oh my word! That was another phrase I have heard a million times. "You're SO sensitive." Like having them say that will make us less so? It was a relief for me to hear that there are lot of sensitive people out there. We are not freaks of nature. Even in the animal world some individuals are more sensitive than others. We are merely individuals, and a lot of people aren't comfortable with that.
Isn't it interesting to notice yourself saying those negative things? "I'm a mess..I'm a wimp." I think that's one of the greatest gifts the program gives us - self-awareness. Without that, we wouldn't know what to work on. But it doesn't stop there. It also gives us the tools to improve our lives after we become aware of the areas that need work.
Until next time. Take care.
Anita

Hi Anita,
I am pretty wiped out, but just wanted to type a quick note saying that I am more and more impressed with you every time you post. You are amazingly strong, and a true inspiration to me. You have every reason to hold your head high and be treated with respect. I will expand more on that soon! But I wanted you to know that.

Also, thank you for correcting me on the "dogs are people too" comment! Ouch! That must have made you cringe. I am glad that you educated me a bit about dogs -- I love them, as well as all animals, but I must confess I am very guilty of "humanizing" my pets! Everything you said makes such sense ... I would love to hear more someday.

And I wanted to thank you as well for sharing some of the points that are grabbing your attention in Lesson 3. The part about taking our positive traits and blowing them out of proportion -- that really hit home with me from reading your post. I never really "got" that one before. I love how you walked around and patted yourself on the back for all you accomplished today! I am going to do the same ... Wow, what a great mom to run all over town trying to find a bathing suit that fits my hard-to-fit 4 year old! How great that was of me to color with my 8 year old when I would really rather have done something else. And good for me for resting when I knew I needed it! (That all feels a little awkward, but I love the idea, and I GET IT now! THANK YOU!)

I have SO MUCH more that I want to write, and I will probably break it up into a few separate posts so it doesn't get too long. I will get to that soon (don't want to promise tomorrow, since who knows what tomorrow will bring? But that is my hope!)

Take care, and good luck and work tomorrow. You deserve to be treated kindly and fairly. I know that you will do a great job using your assertiveness skills ... I am excited for you, and pulling for you!

Thinking of you,
Maureen

Hi Anita,
If only you could see me today you would have no doubt I have ADD. I just go from one thing to the next, getting distracted while I'm doing something, leaving it there, doing something else, getting distracted, leaving it there, etc. It's like I am standing with a nail in my shoe and turning in circles. I have logged into the forum about 5 times, hit "reply" to write to you, lost my train of thought, and logged out. That in itself causes a lot of stress, because it is very hard for me to accomplish anything. Then I get anxious and overwhelmed because I have so much to do. It's one plain viscious circle.

Writing helps me focus. I can organize my thoughts so much better when I am writing. So, I think I am pulling the wool over your eyes as far as being orderly! I see a therapist who specializes in chronic illness, depression, and Adult ADD. She gave me a 20-page "ADD inventory" to fill out. I scored about as high as the graph went for having "Inattentive ADD." In a way it helps to explain why I am the way I am ... why keeping up with housework is next to impossible -- laundry, bills, groceries, cooking, cleaning -- it's all one big blur, and only gets done when it gets to crisis mode. The fact that I don't have one domestic bone in my body doesn't help much! They say people with ADD can focus if it's something they like to do or have some interest in, and when it comes to anything domestic, I have no interest at all.

I will have to post again because I spent what little time I had bemoaning my ADD status, and now I have to run out and get money for my babysitter -- which is a HUGE assertiveness issue I need help with!!! She comes twice a week. We really can't afford her anymore, and I have been doing better with my health so we really don't need her that much anymore (but it's nice to have her). I just don't have the guts to TELL her this! I keep putting it off. We have become friends, and she has confided in me that she has financial issues (her car was even repossessed recently), and I am just wimping out with this whole thing.

So sorry to vent -- I will post again and get in touch with you later ... but I have been thinking of you today!

Thanks for listening,
Maureen

Maureen,

OK. Now I have a better picture of ADD. I'm kind of the opposite of that. I need structure and routine. I also need time to organize my work and then execute my plan in a methodical, orderly manner. In fact, if people try to hurry me, my mind goes blank and I can't function. I can certainly see how that would be stressful. Is it always the same? Or are there times when it's barely noticeable alternating with times when it's really prevalent? Have you noticed any triggers?

Hey, that's another thing we have in common. I don't like domestic chores either. I'd rather be out mowing the yard than cleaning house. And I don't like to cook either. I do what I have to do, and that's it.

What other things beside writing do you enjoy and are able to focus on?

I hesitate to mention this next thought, because I don't want to sound like I'm pressuring you in any way. One of the short phrases that helped me a lot was "Slow down in all ways." It sounds like it would be hard for you to do that. It's even hard for me, but when I can do it, it results in a more peaceful, "in-the-now" feeling. Although I don't have ADD, I do have a tendency to want to be too busy. I want to be doing three things at once, thinking I'm being "efficient". What I usually end up doing is feeling harried and stressed. I had to sit up and take note when I read that being too busy is a type of avoidance behavior. I think it was in the lesson on time management.

Another thought goes back to the comment you made in an earlier post implying you somehow didn't deserve credit for finishing the program because you had a coach. I see it this way - having ADD made it hard for you to stay focused on the program, but you knew it was important. So you got the help you needed to ensure you would succeed. You did what you had to do. I'd like to see you give yourself credit for that instead of comparing yourself with someone else.

The babysitter issue is a tough one. What does your husband think? Let's play the positive "what-if" game. What if you let her go and it releases her to secure an even better job? Are you concerned that telling her the truth about your family's present needs will jeapordize your friendship? I don't know what else to say. Well, yes I do, but I'm afraid you won't like it. It may sound harsh, but her financial situation is her responsibility, not yours. You are a kind-hearted person, but you can't take care of everybody.

I have more I'd like to say, but it's late, I'm tired, and I'm feeling a bit down. I need sleep.

Take care,
Anita

Hi Anita,
Finally getting back to your post! As far as the ADD goes, it is worse when I am with my two girls ... just being there for them is the most I can do ... if I try to email or clean or something, I always end up getting distracted and either 1) abandon the half-done task or 2) get irritable at them. By now, they and my husband both know that they will get snapped at if they interrupt me too much when I am trying to email someone. Once my train of thought is interrupted I have to go back to the beginning and read through the whole thing to get back on track.

Experts say that many adult women who weren't diagnosed as children find out they have ADD after their second child. That's pretty much what happened to me. All of a sudden I couldn't focus on anything, accomplish anything, etc. -- everything was so overwhelming I just shut down.

Some of the things I enjoy that I can focus on (aside from writing) are:

1. Doing anything creative -- designing something on the computer, compiling a CD, drawing, even coloring with my daughter. It is very hard for me to get started on those things for some reason, but once I do, I am very focused (sometimes too much, like if I am designing something on the computer -- I get lost in the detail, and an hour could feel like only a minute. They call it "micro-focusing" -- an ADD paradox!)

2. Learning -- researching something, studying, etc. I always loved school, and would have stayed in college forever if I could have because I loved the classes and the learning! If only I could get paid to be a student, I would be in luck :-)

3. I used to really enjoy exercising -- mostly aerobics, running, rollerblading, activities that were "high impact" and invigorating. I got away from that after having kids, but now I am trying to start exercising again. I have to start very slow due to the Fibromyalgia, and I have tried to get in the habit of walking daily. I love to have music on as I walk (or, in the past, run) -- it motivates me. I haven't been good at sticking with any type of walking program though. Seems like I'll do well for a week or so, feel great, and then get sick and have to stop and start all over again. I tried yoga, but it was way too slow and boring for me!

That brings me to the "slow down in all ways" quote you brought up! That really is so important, and it is a tricky one for me since I am often so tired that I feel like I am stuck in molasses and can't get my brain or body moving at all. So, in order to function for my kids, I drink coffee. I take my ADD medicine (which is a stimulant). And then I often get too revved up. It is hard to find a good balance. I know that caffeine is really bad, and I need to stop it. I also know that being exhausted with 2 kids to care for is sheer hell. So, I am kind of stuck on that one.

You don't need to hesitate mentioning things with me -- I appreciate your insights very much, and I don't take offense easily. I had a hard time with the Stress Management (or was it Time Management?) Lesson, because I don't like being too busy. I like to play solitaire, read, watch TV, color, hang out. I have to push myself to do things that need to get done! And multi-tasker I am not! I can only do one thing at a time, or I self-destruct! It was kind of hard for me to go through those Lessons when I felt so different and distant from them. But you know, I read somewhere that NOT being busy is also an avoidance behavior. Not getting chores done, etc. That was a wake-up call for me.

Thanks for the encouragement about me getting through the program, and doing what I needed to do by getting a coach -- that was really comforting. I had never thought of it that way before. I do need to watch myself when it comes to comparing myself with others -- I do that often, and it doesn't do me any good at all.

As far as the babysitter issue, my husband would be glad not to have her anymore because of the finances. And I was afraid of it jeapordizing our friendship, by me telling her we couldn't afford her anymore. But I finally got the courage up last night and emailed her (so I was a bit cowardly that I didn't do it in person, but at least I did it!). She was understanding about it, and we did work it out that she will come once a week for awhile, until the end of the summer. I feel better that that is off my chest.

By the way, you didn't sound harsh saying that her finances are her responsibility and not mine -- you are so right, and I really need to hear that kind of thing. A friend of mine said it even more strongly, especially when she heard about my sitter's car getting repossessed. She had no sympathy for my sitter whatsoever and told me exactly what you did, but in much stronger language! She tells it like it is, and that is always okay with me!

Tomorrow is Friday -- how did the past couple days go for you? I haven't typed up any notes yet, but began looking through Chapter 5 ... just felt in my heart that I need to delve into that lesson further and get motivated to take better care of my health through exercise, cutting out caffeine, eating better. Maybe I will walk tonight. You can hold me accountable on the walking thing if you'd like!

Take care and keep me posted on how you are doing. Thinking of you,
Maureen

Hi Maureen,

I'm glad you mentioned the exercising. I wasn't sure how your fibromyalgia affected that, but I thought it probably made it hard. That would be frustrating for me too, having to stop and then start over again. All through my life I have known the value of exercise, but once my routine is interrupted it's hard to get back on track. I LOVE to walk and having a powerful dog that needs a lot of exercise himself works perfectly for me. Especially in the evening after I get home from work. Sitting at a desk all day is tiring, and I'm often stiff and don't feel like walking. But I know if I don't drain some of Toby's energy (he's been sleeping all day) I will reap the rewards of a hard to deal with dog. So I go for him, and 5 minutes into it I am feeling much better myself. I also found that if I don't have a dog at all, I don't walk. When Zoe died last year (my doberman) I tried to walk by myself. I felt very uncomfortable, very conspicuous. A week later I adopted Toby and started walking again. It sounds like you had a lot of energy at one point - the exercise you enjoyed would be too intense for me. Another activity I enjoy, but haven't practiced for some time, is slow dance movements with light free weights. I like the types of stretches dancers do also - very relaxing. I borrowed a Tae-Bo tape from a friend once, but the movements were too fast for me. I was afraid I would over extend an arm or a leg. But just the fact that I didn't enjoy it was the clue I needed to discontinue. If I don't like it, I certainly won't do it.

I, too, really enjoyed school. I love learning and I enjoyed the controlled atmosphere of the classroom. I only spent 3 semesters at college though. Couldn't decide on a major, and HATED living in a dorm with all the noise and distractions.

The last couple of days I have done pretty well with the "slow down in all ways" approach. Another way to say it for me is "focus on one thing at a time." There were a number of times I felt myself getting agitated and irritable and was able to discern that I was trying to tackle too many things at once. I went back to the ONE thing, and felt myself falling into a more balanced feeling. For some reason I've been better able to identify what I was doing wrong and correct it more quickly this week. I'm going to say it's because I've been practicing (with your help and encouragement) AND that the hormones must be lined up just right this week!

I'm glad I never started drinking coffee, because I see a lot of people struggle with that. I'm also glad I never smoked or drank. I have enough problems as it is and I think I could have easily fallen into the alcoholism trap. I have quite a time sometimes just limiting my sugar intake. I love sweets, but sugar is definately bad for me. I am more irritable when I eat it (or I should say OVER eat it), and it also depresses me and leaves me exhausted.

Good job on confronting the baby sitter issue! I don't like doing that kind of stuff either, but it's always so freeing once it's over. Such a sense of relief. And you can add that to the list of things you've accomplished this week.

Gotta go for now. Take care

Anita

Maureen and Anita,

Hello ladies. I just read every word of both of your posts - and that was a lot of words! I think I was just drawn to the similarities that I have with both of you, even though I'm a guy. That's actually one thing I've struggled with for a long time - just the fact that I struggle with issues that many people tend to label as "a woman thing". I don't mean to sound sexist - I am not! But someone even mentioned this to me once, when I was looking for a clinic or something to go to way back - they said "you might want to search for one that deals with women issues"! I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. And yes, it is a total tangent, and has nothing to do with what I wanted to really say.

What I wanted to say is that I think it is GREAT the way you guys found each other on here, and were both able to help each other out the way you did - I think it obviously helps when the person on the other side can relate, as you both could to each other. It was just great to see that dynamic come alive on a forum like this - I never even thought anything like that was possible with a medium like this. I've recently started trying to gather the locations of members on here, in an effort to form local support groups, because I simply thought that was the only real way we could gain support from one another, but obviously not!

Anyway, thanks for showing me that light. And I loved your posts. I have many similarities with you both.

Take care.

John