Posted April 05, 2007 09:47 AM
I dont know what is happening to me. I feel like I'm doing well for a while and then something happens and it just makes me go into a rage not out loud but internally. I know practically I am being unreasonable but deep down in my gut I'm thinking Why cant I get some sympathy? I cant even think clearly anymore. I havent done anything for me as of late and I feel sorry for myself. Honestly I dont know how to change that feeling and really I dont have anything to complain about. That is the problem. What's the matter with me anyway? Why cant I just get over it or myself and move on?
Actually I am feeling really lonely even though there are people everywhere around me. I am shouting on the inside but no one can hear me and Im scared.

hey there tm, it is such a bad feeling. those around us don't know the misery this put's us in. this forum is a godsend. we have been there. some are still there. don't be angry with you . i have had those feelings many time's do what you have to. are you doing the program? if you are keep doing it . get some self help books. if you are not on meds don't rule them out. peace be with ya, kp

TM - Raging inside is not going to help you. Raging is resistance. When you resist the feelings they get more intense. Get a TM doll - truly - hold that little doll on your lap and soothe and nuture it. This is where you start. Love yourself instead of being angry with yourself. Besides, you are not really angry with you. You are angry with how you feel and your present situation. Turn it around. Love it instead. Let yourself know that "if this is as good as it gets, I can live with this."

Don't look at this as a way to eliminate what is going on. You are learning how to live with, how to move through, how to embrace and love yourself every step of the way - even if you don't get any better than this. Do you see what I'm saying?

Honor the raging feelings by not resisting them but at the same time replace them with love for yourself, support. "I will not abandon myself anymore." "I'll go through this with you, no matter what." "We can get through this."

Let your inner child know that you are angry with the situation, not her. (I'm assuming you are a woman.)

Follow the program's schedule. You can do this!

Thanks KP and Boon for your support and advice. Maybe I am being hard on myself. I just feel like I am getting up from the rut with such a struggle every day and it I thought by now it would be getting somewhat easier but it's not. And this struggle is too much to bear sometimes. I thought I had a pretty good job but the further I get into the program the more I hate the thought of going to work and my anger builds up while Im there. I cant figure out if I should leave or wait or what is really happening for me but it is keeping me stuck it seems.
I know I am writing all over the map and may not make sense but that is what is happening. I am trying to work the program but with great resistance- I am not motivated to do it at all and before hearing Lucinda's voice was great and now I feel irritated by all the stuff I have to do and change. It is so exhausting.
Everyday now I awaken with this lump in my chest and it sometimes goes away but always comes back. It feels like pent up emotion that I cant get out or something. I dont know - my sister keeps telling me I am doing so well. Inside I dont feel so well. The thought of meds are crossing my mind but I sooo.. hate them and I am afraid of them.
God Bless You
TM

Wow Boon, What a truly great idea! Can I get an src doll or do I need to get a tm doll too? All joking aside, I am going to try this.


Bumper sticker "My inner child is beating up my gremlins"