Six months ago I came to a new company, which shortly started going out of business. I am a departmental manager that has laid off 4 employees and watched my company go from 170 employees down to 40. I am still employed luckily but for how long I do not know. Have been looking for a job but in the high tech area, which I am in its tight due to the .com layoffs. What has happened to me I can hardly explain. I have been depressed since October 99 which did not hinder my health until mid-Feb 2001. I was feeling tired so I went to the doctor for a physical. I did the standard blood work and he found out that my liver enzymes were elevated somewhat and wanted to run more test on me. The test were hepatitis (sp)and a sonogram to check my liver for cancer. I am a 30-year-old male who does not drink---ever and never have. Anyway this really freaked me out. I was sure I am going to die and something bad was wrong. After negative hepatitis test and a sonogram I was diagnosed with "Fatty Liver� which is a condition where your liver stores fat. I was told we needed to watch this and it is a common finding. Not a disease. I was about 60lbs over weight and the doctor told me to loose weight and eat better and then get rechecked in six months. A lot of anxiety started here..... Several weeks later in the beginning of March my wife made me go to the doctor about depression because I was not participating in activities that I normally enjoyed. She was right. For the last couple of months of February I did have diarriah constantly and having nightmares. Anxiety started immediately when I woke up everyday for work. It was almost like I was terrified of work. In reality I kinda was because I knew we were going to layoff more employees and I figured it was going to be me. My wife went with me to the doctor and she suggested that I try Paxel. After only two days on Paxel my anxiety got worse� way worse. I could not sit still, sleep or function. I had flight of ideas and I thought I was going crazy. Dizziness�worse dreams when I did sleep. Everyone told me to keep taking the drug and it possibly could not be causing the increased symptoms. I stopped under protest and my sanity. I was so miserable that I was wishing I was dead. After a couple of days I was feeling a little better off the meds when my wife suggest I call the doctor and try something else. So my doctor tried me on Zoloft. Two days later I was back to were I was with the Paxel.. Going crazy. No appetite and my diarriah was worse. I stopped taking it after two days and vowed never to try those drugs again. Upon suggestion by my doctor I decided to try a psychiatrist and see what he thought. He was scarred to put me on any meds due to my reaction and did not want to see my anymore if he could not put me on something. He suggested I go to a psychologist that I am currently seeing. About a week after the Zoloft my left side of my face felt numb for about a week.. I went to the doctor and got a cat scan which came back fine.. I was told it was stress related. The next week my face was fine but my scalp burned for a week and I went back to the doctor and again they told me it was stress related. Now we are in late March and I still have diarriah.. Now I am scarred that my symptoms is some type of disease. I was told by my psychologist and family doctor to exercise. I started this and by running three to four miles a day on the tredmill at home. I still have bad diarriah which is making me worry more and more each day. My appetite is very low even with all of the exercise and sleeping is not much better. However, exercising did make my depression seem less but my anxiety levels were still very high. I started to worry about my health again so a week and a half ago I stopped exercising to see if my diarriah and appetite would come back.. Big mistake. I found that I can kinda control my diarriah and it is less of a symptom now but my anxiety got worse.. way worse. I am convincied I am dying. Monday I thought I have AIDS because of the loss of appetite, diarriah and I was feeling tired. This made no sense because I have been with my wife for 7 years and we have never strayed from each other. I ran to the doctor to get an AIDS test, which came back negative later in the week. On Tuesday I had a kidney stone, which is normal for me, and I get them about once a year. This sent me back to the doctor and I got my liver enzymes checked. They were still high� I freaked out because by this time I have lost 20 lbs. They were not higher but not much better. I am convinced that my liver is failing. On Wednesday, I was convinced I have diabetes and the blood work I did with the AIDS test came back normal with no diabetes. On Thursday I saw my urologist about my kidneys and I was convinced my kidneys were failing. No indication or proof of that either. My urologist told me that I was getting to dyhydrated. Drink more fluids. On Friday, which was last week, my wife convinced me to go back to my family doctor about OCD behavior and depression. I was a wreck convinced I am dying of something they have not found. I have had on CAT scan of my head, chest x-rays, 2 abdominal CT scans and one sonogram over the past two months and at least four-blood chem. Test but I am still not convinced. My wife was getting impatient because everyday it was something else or some other disease. I feel really bad for her because I am not being rational. I know this�. So on Friday, my doctor told me that I was health and that we just need to monitor the liver enzyme levels over the next year and that I had no indication of cancer or other illness besides mental illness. This is hard for me to believe. I have always been in control and level headed� How could my mind be doing this to me? My job situation has been stressing me out for six months and my wife thinks I am avoiding that stress and putting in on my health. I have pains and real symptoms but all I get from doctors is stress. So last Friday my doctor wanted me to try Luvox, which he told me the drug, works a little differently that the Paxel and the Zoloft. I have taken it for four days now and I am feeling a little better. I am able to eat food and my diarriah has stopped. I still have anxiety under my skin but not to the level of what I had last week. It�s to early to know if the drug is going to work for me but so far I think I will be okay. I really did not want to take meds at all due to the experience I had with the others and the fear of them damaging my liver. It�s a vicious cycle�. I have a 15 month old baby girl that I love more than anything else in the world and all I want to do is live long enough to see her grow up� I want to be normal again. I talked to my psychologist yesterday and he told me that stress causes symptoms in our bodies that are real and that I need to focus on getting a new job and off my health. I hate taking the meds�.. I was told that this is a symptom of the anxiety or OCD part� I have always been successful at what I do and success has been always easy for me. This however is not �. I want to know if this is normal and if anyone else out there has similar stories. I still have a good job, wonderful wife and kids and a nice house. Why cant I just be happy? I know it�s a mindset of sorts but why is my mind doing this to me. Please reply�..

Dear Yellow Gorilla,

Let me start off by welcoming to this site. I don't think we have exchange thoughts lately. So, WELCOME

I wish I had answers to all your questions. The truth is I don't. I'm not a doctor so I can not say if what you related in your story is IBS or OCD, or both. Just know that we are all struggling with this and/or trying to keep it under control. Coming to these forums is a great means of support so I invite you to continue if you haven't already.

You don't say if you have the program. I hear from everyone here how wonderful it is and how many people it has helped. I don't have it but, have read Lucinda Bassett's 2 books. That and coming here have taught me a lot. Get the program if you can, if not read the books.

I must tell you that I find you very courageous. At least you go to doctors!! I'm very afraid of them. In fact, I'm supposed to have a mole the size of a dime removed from my foot but, I'm afraid. You do what most people wont, that is deal with our health.

I'm glad the new medication is working for you. I'm also afraid of taking pills. You are doing everything to help yourself. I truly believe that the medication, therapy, exercising, and eating healthy will all benefit you in the long run.

Keep up the good work on yourself



[This message has been edited by cutufa (edited 05-15-2001).]

I am also a high achiever that has succumbed to anxiety disorder. So I can relate as well. I am stuck in my current position at work as I am afraid to take risks for fear of embarrassment. When I stress out, I end up with ibs and the whole cycle of stress an depression start up when I see my peers advancing while I stay still. I am working on the program now, and it is helping a bit.so I can relate to your stress at work as well.

There is a great bulletin board on the web for IBS. It's the Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) Self Help Group at www.ibsgroup.org . It contains a lot of good information about IBS, suggestions that have helped other people, and a lot of folks who understand what you are going through.

Quilly, thanks 4 the site.

Yes, YellowGorilla, these symptoms of Anxiety and depression are common. I have the program and tapes, and the whole time I was reading your experiences, I was feeling for you, but I was thinking, yup, the tapes cover that, they cover that, they cover the other... They're well worth the investment. I am a professional student, and through the studies and the tests, and the possibilities that I may fail my 800 dollar test, etc. The unsure future with the state of managed healthcare, changing every day. I've had many symptoms ranging from rapid heart beat causing me to almost pass out, sick feeling and throwing up, hot flashes (I'm male), Choking on nothing, crying spells, blue feeling/mood, thoughts of dying, Loss of appetite, loss of weight. All the drugs they had put me on had side effects that were worse than my slight depression at the time. My schooling escalated my stress, anxiety and depression to the point they put me on welbutrin and Psychotherapy, which have both helped. I'm on my third week of the Stress and Anxiety Program, and my symptoms have nearly disappeared by my control. There is hope, there is help, even with all the stressors in life. There's things one can control, and there's things one can't. If you focus on the former, you're OK, if you focus on the latter, you become frustrated by all means in every situation. Anxiety is not a mental disorder, it's an attitude brought on by a whole slew of addictive negative thoughts.

This and more, I've picked up from the program, ---------------------->Good luck attaining and practicing good health thoughts.