I'm just posting this because I was just wondering if there are any gay people out there who ever get anxious about being gay? I don't mean just being gay in general but, ya know, like looking forward into your future and panicking over not seeing yourself with someone. It seems that every guy that I meet out here in Chicago is a total drug addict, and that frightens me. I just turned 25 and I'm a junior at the art school out here. I'm a film major and I want to make movies that tell what the gay lifestyle is really like. I haven't even met any decent guys at school. I mean, I can meet someone, and then something about their personalities, or their drug habits turn me off. Sometimes it makes me anxious, because I worry that I'm not good looking enough, or that I just have something wrong with me. I have OCD and I used to have problems with one of the spectrum disorders called body dysmorphophobia, where you constantly worry that something is wrong with your appearance. I'm not like that anymore, though. Now I just look into the future and I think of not fitting in with any other gay people and it scares me. Can anyone relate????????????????

Modernboy,

I truly feel for you and what you're going through. I'm a 22 year old lesbian from Houston, Texas. Luckily, I met the love of my life a couple of years ago and am in the process of living happily ever after, but I know how hard it is to meet people in the gay community. Coupled with anxiety, this can feel nearly impossible at times. It's tough for straight people to find "The One"---it's a thousand times harder when you narrow down your potential partners to (not sure what the right numbers are) maybe one in ten people that you meet, and even then all of them aren't guaranteed to be out of the closet...

I am a true believer in finding love when and where you least expect it. My advice? Don't sweat it. You won't find what you're looking for if you go looking for it (does that make any sense?). You're young! Enjoy life, go to school, live every moment to its fullest potential... love has a way of finding you when you least expect it. I know it's hard for you guys--a lot of the younger gay guys I know aren't looking for "forever" at this point in their lives... but I know some who are. You will find your Mr. Right.

As far as fitting in... fitting in with the gay community? Honey, in my time in Houston, I have seen SO many different aspects of the "gay community" that I don't think ANYONE really fits in, no matter how normal or how "out there" they are. The gay community is so incredibly diverse... To "fit in with the gay community"---that's like "fitting in with the world." There are all types imaginable in the community, with all sorts of talents, passions, problems and worries. Just be yourself.

Take care,
Dawn

To Andrew and Ethrdg

Thanx a lot guys for the advice and for responding. It's not something that I stress over all the time, it was just something that was bothering me on that particular night because I'm sorta involved with somebody right now who has massive drug problems and I'm trying to slowly wipe myself out of the picture and get away from him. I was just stressing that night about never finding anyone who is actually clean. And then when I worry about that, I start to worry about my appearance and getting old etc, etc, etc,. I did not know he was such a user when I met him. It all did not come out until later. Dawn I'm so happy for you that you have found the love of your life. That's really great to know. I'm guessing from the name Ethrdg that you are a big Melissa Etheridge fan. Yeah, she's got some cool shit. When I worked at the concert amphitheater out here by Chicago she came there one year, and it was awesome. It wasn't so much just the concert, it was the people. I could people watch for hours, but that was an interesting mix of people, if not the one of the coolest mixes of people that I've ever seen.
Ya know what, Dawn you're right. There are a lot of different gay types, so why am I sweating it? You should see the gay scene out here in Chicago. When I think about it, everyone is kinda just doing there own thing. So the best I can do is just do my own thing and let nature take its course. So, black roses--no tears shed.
And Andrew, please read my post in the obsessive song category, but you are right to. When I think about it, you don't do drugs for the hell of it. I guess everyone out here that does all that heavy stuff is covering up their own issues and insecurities. And we all have those, right?

Anyway, I did something really positive today. I went out and started looking for another job because I don't like the one I have now. And, I made a list in my journal (I'm calling them "MY MEMOIRS") of my top things that are bothering me right now that I can control and so I'm gonna change some of those things.

It's hard sometimes to catch yourself veering to far out of the present moment, but I'm starting to get good at it.

Well, chow babies

Dave

dave you rock!

Dear Modernboy: I am a mom with a gay son and his lifestyle causes me alot of anxiety. We have a good, loving relationship, but I have cried alot of tears over him because of his choice. I belong to a support group that meets once a month to pray for our children. We only want whats best for them. I hope that someday you will have peace. How did your family accept it. Robin

quote:

Originally posted by redhead:
[qb] We have a good, loving relationship, but I have cried alot of tears over him because of his choice. I belong to a support group that meets once a month to pray for our children. [/qb]

Robin,

I'm so glad to hear that you have come to a point where you can have a close, loving relationship with your son. To a gay child, the worst fear in the world is that because of something they cannot control, they are going to lose everyone closest to them in their lives. It means the world to me that my mother loves and accepts me, although she may not agree with me on certain aspects of my life. It took her a long time and a lot of thinking and praying, but she finally realized that there were certain aspects of my personality that had ALWAYS been there--she had just been denying them for years, just as I had. She decided that if she didn't love me for me, regardless of who I loved, she was going to lose me. It would have hurt me beyond belief if she would have dropped out of my life when I came out. Thank you for being there for your son. He is so lucky to have such a wonderful mother.

I couldn't help but notice your referring to your son's sexuality as a "choice." Believe me when I tell you, I am fiercely proud of who I am, but no person on the face of the earth would "choose" to be gay or lesbian. To "choose" to be gay in this world is to "choose" to be ridiculed, hated, treated as a second class citizen, denied basic human rights, outcast, disowned, to be made a target of violence. I grew up in a strict religious background; I was horrified when I realized that I might be "one of those people" and tried for a long time to block the thoughts and feelings--to change it. But it isn't a choice, no more than people "choose" to dislike brussel sprouts or what their eye color will be. We can mask these things; we can cover them up, but they're always there and always have been.

If your son had a girlfriend, would you say that he "chose" to be straight? I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if it were as simple as that, many, many gays and lesbians would have spared themselves a ton of sorrow caused by the world around them and would be in happily married, heterosexual relationships. A person doesn't just wake up one Saturday morning and say, "Hmmm...I think I'll be gay from here on out!" The only decision that is consciously made is the choice between being honest with yourself and those around you or living a lie. It is so much easier to cop out and live a lie...many do.

Please, applaud your son for the "choice" he made--not the "choice" of being gay, but the choice to have the courage to be himself, to open up to the people he loves and let them see what's inside, despite the fear that he could lose everything because of his honesty. Pray for him, not that he will change to conform to standards others set for him, but pray that he will be able to find peace and true happiness in a world that would rather pretend he didn't exist. I live in this world every day...it's hard and very frightening sometimes, trust me. Your son needs all the support he can get.

If you have any questions, feel free to post them or e-mail me... I'm very close to my mom and I know what you're going through--I know it's hard. My e-mail address is Ethrdg987@aol.com. I know your question was originally aimed at ModernBoy, but if I can help in any way, let me know.

Take care,
Dawn