I have always had worries about germs and diseases. I think that once you get tested then you shouldn't worry about having it. I know that worrying about it only makes your OCD worse. I went to the Health Department and got tested because I was having to conquer my fear of needles. I got through that and then about three years later I had to get life insurance and they had to take blood and that made me feel better because this time I was getting tested for diabetes and other things that I had been worried about. I think that it would help you to get an exam done and then you could conquer your fear and you could also get the answers that you need. I now no longer worry about any of it. I don't know if you believe in God and if you are saved but with the Lord as my personal Lord and Savior I know that he will keep me safe from all of the dangers in this world. I hope that this helps.

Dear Scared and Confused,
Oh my gosh!!! I read your post and suddenly thought back to my past... You are just like the way that I used to be.

I lived the life of a HIV patient for over a year. I had the symptoms and all. I drove everyone around me nuts with it because we did not know that I had a problem. I had test after test and even after the negatives would come I was still scared. I used to call the CDC for AIDS hotline and I swear they knew my voice when i called.

I finally got over that fear when I met my husband and finally trusted him, and let my guard down. You can email me and we can chat if you would like because I just feel as though I know exactly where you are coming from because I have been there...

Hope to hear from you soon,

Candi
southernraised25@yahoo.com

Fear of HIV used to be one of my most horrible fears. Even after I gave birth to my son, I would worry that I had given him AIDS because I opted not to get tested when I was pregnant with him because I was so emotional. I was not a promiscuous person, and I only had one partner before my husband, and I tested negative before I got married.
Now, years have passed. I've been in therapy, and my son has severe autism. It's horrible, but one thing that I have learned is that I have to deal with what is real. I still have trouble, but it's hard not to look back at the time that I worried about HIV, and realize that I wasted it worrying about irrational possibilities. I do think that I had an escalated anxiety after my son's birth because there was something wrong which I do not believe is your case, but it was not what I thought it was so it was still a waste of precious time.

I do still struggle with anxiety so please don't think I am making fun of you. My main issues are that I don't drive, have trouble being alone, and depersonalization has been my main symptom but has subsided tremendously lately, so my anxiety may have just shifted, but at the same time, I really have conquered a lot with OCD so maybe some of the following tips may help you. Here are some things that are my opinion from therapy and my own personal insight.

1. OCD is never about OCD. For example, someone with a strong work ethic may not like their job. They would feel guilty to admit that because of their strong work ethic so instead they develop a habit of having to go back to the house and check to see if they left on an appliance over and over to avoid having to go to work. To them, focusing on the OCD is easier then facing the truth about their job situation. I don't know why I had my fear of HIV, but it looks like I felt guilty for having sex with anyone before I married a preacher's son so I couldn't see how God was going to let me off scott free because I saw God as an angry punishing God. In addition, I think with the anxiety with my son that it was easier for me to focus on the AIDS and something irrational then to focus on the truth that something was wrong with his development, and even if I would have focused on his development no one would have payed me any attention back then anyway. OCD can be a distraction for major and minor things that we don't want to face, and it does feel hellish. That's why cognitive therapy does work when we realize that we do have the skills to face the truth. I was also a child abuse survivor, and I'm sure I developed all of the fears to survive and to distract me from the abuse. I had to gradually learn that it was O.K. to be happy. After my son's diagnosis, eating food that I loved that I would normally throw away because I thought the food had botulism was a major step for me. I had a good therapist who showed me that many childhood survivors develop OCD because it had it's purpose as a child. Later in life when you're away from the abuse, you don't need the OCD anymore so what once helped you begins to hurt you.

2. Here are some other realizations. This is something that has helped me, and it may be because I had to face the truth or that I shifted to another form of anxiety, but I'll just try to see it as a success. If touching a pair of shoes or coming into contact with germs was going to kill you then we would all be dead. How do so many people live their daily lives if it was necessary for us to be so careful? It's just not true, and the news media and even the medical field oversensationalize these issues constantly. There was a time when I was seriously afraid that if I went out in public I would get meningitis. During that time, I was tremendously clean, etc. Guess What? My son and I got more sick during that time than ever because the stress of living that way and thinking that everything is going to kill you lowers your immune system. People who are isolated and don't go out in public are the ones who get sick the most. People who have a larger social circle are the happiest and healthiest no matter what germs they come into contact with.

I don't know what you're personal life is like, but I do it's a possibility that there is something in your life that you are avoiding with OCD. Also, you are lying to yourself right now when you think that you are going to get AIDS by touching a pair of shoes. If you can look at it that way, maybe that will help. If you were going to get AIDS from shoes, then we would all have HIV and that's just not true. Also, please remember that when you look up medical information, that there are a lot of people with OCD in the medical profession who often exaggerate the risk themselves. Their OCD makes them good at their job, but it can also spread unnecessary fear. I've just seen that too many times.
I hope something in here helps. I just think that when you realize why you are distracting yourself with OCD that that helps tremendously, but I know that I am not an expert. I had that fear, and it was horrible so I feel for anyone who goes through that.

Take Care,
luvpiggy

This is actually very common. I've had this obsession at least three separate times in my life. Actually the second post in the thread hit the nail on the head. You could easily jump to a different obsession next month or even year. Anxiety is really defined as a fear of our own minds. So it's no wonder that we latch onto horrific thoughts such as having hiv or hurting others, ourselves, something terrible we read or heard, etc. Control the anxiety at it's core and you'll control the obsessions. Unfortunately, people all to often want to separate anxiety disorder from obsessions but in reality they are a byproduct of the anxiety. This is mentioned numerous times on the tapes. I find people make this excuse and then get stuck on tape five believing they are not getting the correct treatment. However, I can tell you from experience and the multitude of examples on the tapes/cds that recovery from anxiety disorder is what needs to happen for the obsessions to be subsided.
As far as this case, I actually have done academic studies on hiv and the likelihood you would have contracted hiv from one partner is so miniscule that it's beyond even worrying about. You need to deal with the anxiety disorder so you can recover from these irrational fears.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mr. Positive,

Hi everyone. I can't tell you how glad I am that I found this because I have been going through the exact same thing. I have been making myself insane. It is ALL I can think about. I never had this fear of HIV until a few months ago. I have since then convinced myself that just about everybody I know is HIV+ and I've somehow gotten it from all of them.

It started when I made out with some guy that I really don't know that well. We didn't do anything more than that, but I made myself believe that he had blood in his mouth and it got in mine. Then, I was out one night when I cut my finger on something. I didn't cover it up or anything. I started freaking out the day after because I was SO SURE that I somehow got somebody else's blood in my cut. After that, I gave one of my friends a goodbye peck on the lips. I got my lipgloss on him, so I wiped it off with my finger. Ever since then I've been thinking that he had could've had blood on his lips and I touched it. I am also freaked out by public bathrooms. Or even the bathrooms at my friend's house. I flush the toilet atleast two times before I use it, just to make sure there is nothing in it that could possibly get on me.

I had a fever and a bad cough one day. My friend was sick and coughing all over me before that, so I just assumed I got it from her. I also got a rash on my stomach a while after that. I wasn't really sure of what it was, but I figured it was just the lotion I was using or something. I then started searching for HIV symptoms online. A fever? Check. A cough? Check. Rash? Check. To me, that was all the proof I needed. I was convinced (and still am) that I had HIV.

This is all a bit embarrassing to me because I've never admitted this to anybody else. I found this forum, and I just felt the need to get all of this off my chest in hopes that you'd all understand and could maybe talk to me a little bit. Honestly, I don't even have fun when I go out anymore because I am constantly thinking about this. I search online frantically trying to find out about symptoms and then convincing myself I have all of them. Part of me wants to get tested just so I can get rid of all of this anxiety. But then another part of me doesn't want to because then that makes this all real and not just some irrational fear I have created in my mind. And I know if I were to get tested and it was negative, I would find another situation within minutes and convince myself the same things over and over again. I don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry this was so long! Thanks to anybody that actually reads this.

hey there
I experienced this anxiety too but with the fear that my food had been contaminated with a chef who had a cut or something and the thoughts kept intensifying. I knew right then I was suffering from OCD. Because the AIDS virus cannot survive for long in the air it is unlikely you contracted HIV. Firstly, was there even a prick on your finger? Without your finger drawing blood you definately did not contract anything.
SECONDLY and this is VERY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER...
because you worry about contracting the virus and have been worrying about it for a very long time the fear is in your mind so even when you arent concentrated on your fear it is still in the back of your mind waiting to emerge... and so because you are on high alert and the fear is still there you will automatically interpret all situations being related to contracting AIDS even when there are missing links. i know that at times it seems as though your thoughts are rational and u could very well contract aids but the possibility that the blood was contaminated, etc. is also another factor to consider because not every person on this planet lives with AIDS or HIV
and you may think "well what if it so happens to be that the blood i came into contact with WAS contaminated?" but i am here to tell you that that is your anxiety taking over... the what ifs... so many ppl are faced with AIDS and HIV and do not contract it and a health professional can tell you that
AIDS is also a weak disease in the sense that it is so hard to contract in the open, fluids need to be exchanged directly from body to body (i.e. sex) in most circumstances so it is unlikely that dried blood or a needle could have contaminated you because the blood (if on the needle) is likely dried and the disease has already died (AIDS and HIV cannot survive the conditions of the atmosphere)

Arose,
You can email me and we can chat anytime you want because I know exactly where you are coming from..

southernraised25@yahoo.com

I also suffer from HIV anxiety.

I am always very safe, and obsessively check to make sure condoms are on right. This being said, I still research symptoms online, and when I see that I suffer from some/all of the symptoms, I instantly believe I have it. I am terrified.

Thank God for this website...I am not sure what in God's name has happened to me or who I have become all i know is that sometimes I am so lost and afraid irrationally that I don't want to live like this?? I have always been an outgoing hispanic NYC girl always the fun of the party and the crazy one everyone loves to be with!!! And then I moved to the south GA. it's been 3yrs and I have changed so much I don't know who i am. Last year 2007 my mind starting doing odd things.

I have never been married before but decided to in 2004 our marriage got rocky quickly and I have been hanging in there since then..in 2007 we both seemed to be doing our own thing even though married. I met someone and I thought he would make me so happy and for a brief moment he did we were intimate and always protected, after a little bit he changed he said that me being married was not sitting well with him and he just didn't make me feel so good anymore but i very much cared for him. So now I have 3 kids, full time job, problem marriage & and problem affair? I was so confused and crazy I felt depressed and distorted. Anyway, my birthday was coming up and I did what I always do go for a full check up at the GYN to make sure i was doing well as always and I did my panel of everything as that has always been me whether I am with someone or not this is something that i do yearly. So, i went ahead and took an HIV test as well. And dear Jesus in heaven why did I do that? I was fine until i thought about how immoral I was for having an affair and loving this man outside of my marriage and my brain, body and soul convinced me that I was punished and will be diagnosed with HIV. MY body was in a whirl wind of emotion I got chills, vomitted, shakes, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, sweated I couldn't look at my girls. I felt dirty and every time the phone rang I thought it was the doctor ready to give me my death sentence!!! those were the worst 3 days of my life?? I got the results they were negative thank God.

I contiued to see this man, and we continued to be with each other and then he was behaving like an idiot and so i decided to give my marriage another chance and my husband decides he wants a baby? So, i thought about it and once again i thought HIV??? I thought i was with that guy again (protected) and I probably have this disease this time for sure. i was in agony for 2weeks until i went and got tested i was so paranoid and crazy at the clinic they gave me a rapid test and tried to hold me so i would stop shaking. My results came in Negative - they hugged me and said you need treatment for that anxiety you have. I didn't listen went home relaxed and enjoyed my time. When all of the sudden right before Christmas?????????? I started having thoughts about Cancer? I have never in my life thought about that? i researched symptoms, signs, cures, you name it I read it all sorts of cancers to the point that i snapped and couldn't get out of bed for 3weeks!!!!! Missed Christmas & New Years with my kids I looked like a zombie i saw a psych. and he gave me Xanax which i took for a week only and then went for CBT (therapy) and got a little better. I stopped seeing my therapist thinking I was good to go. I spoke to that guy that I was seeing and i feel right into seeing him again after 8months b/c my marriage just doesn't make me happy.

And so........... after gaining some composure with Hiv & cancer. I went to see this Plastic Surgeon for some under eye work and i was so excited so so excited and he gave me pricing and then told me the day before surgery i will do some blood work to check for Anemia, and what have you and HIV. The moment that man said HIV testing my hands got very cold, I started sweating and I felt as if i was having small heart attacks? He was talking but i tuned him out and started obssessing once again about HIV and now I am at square one again. All i do is google everything about HIV and i am driving myself insane! Excpet I am growing very tired of this sh***t to be honest and I just don't know what to do?

I think about testing and i can't breathe - i think about getting horrible news and i just can't live like this people I just can't. i am only 35 years old and I never thought this would be happeneing to me but I put myself in worst case scenarios all the time! I even think about testing and the test be defective and they give me a false positive and me go over the deep end. I have researched HIV so much that i know it's not an easy STD to transmit. I know alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll about it yet i am constantly putting myself in the 1 and a million situations.

Who can live like this? My girls must wonder what in the hell happened to there mother? what a failure I have become. On top of trying to find ridiculous love outside my marriage I am CRAZY. Why has this happened to me?

I can't even pray b/c I feel like I am sinner and what do i tell God???????????????????

Wow, I wrote a lot. Sorry - I have never been able to vent like this b/c i don't know anyone that feel like me.

Ps. This OCD that i have going on???? Is limiting my joy for life, so not like me. So, so not like me. I am scared to even get the damn surgery done b/c i have to test for this crap. And I haven't even made my annual GYN appointment b/c I fear that i have everything??? Especially HIV.

Hello I can understand where you are coming from with the affair and wanting to be loved and understood by someone. I hope that someone is out there that I can talk to I know that this post was put out in February. Just wondering if anyone feels the way I do about having an affair and then trying to work out a marriage?? Need Help!!!

I HAVE THIS FEAR TOO! I thought it was only me! It also started with a guy who was verbally abusive, mean, cruel, disrespectful to me. He gave me anxiety and made me scared of him. I had an "issue" down there and right away just assumed it was HIV. I stayed in my room for weeks. Couldnt move, I was lifeless. I cannot believe what we do to ourselves. I finally got the courage to go to the Dr's. My gyno thought I was nuts! Cus there wasnt anything wrong with me. at all. So I slept with him again, like a dummy, after my anxiety went away, protected of course, but somehow still put it in my head that he prolly met some other girl who had it and contracted it and gave it to me. When in reality, he never cheated and still calls EVERYDAY to try to get me to come over. I know deep deep down that I am ok. I cannot come to terms with that deep down feeling yet. Its so stupid. I find myself reading about it as much as I can, its so dumb. Im scared to have sex, when I shouldnt be. I keep thinking to myself "how did u let it get so bad" Ive struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. I felt I let myself get worse and left my dep and anx untreated. I got stubborn and thought it would go away and I didnt need anymore meds or therapy.

YOUR NOT ALONE!!!! This is me too, every minute of everyday.

But I can say with confidence that we are OK! this is just OCD.

WOW your all just like me. I also thought I was very alone in this. Im also so embarrassed to talk about it. My best friend knows about it, but she thought I got over it. I cant continue to tell her because I know exactly what she will say. WILL U STOP! lol...I told her I wish she could understand and she wants to as well. I am SO GLAD I found this forum!!! We will all get through this!!!

Hi thanks for responding, I have to been checked by a doctor and they think I am crazy. Glad I am not alone. Are you married??? Please write back to me or eamil me I would love to chat with you. Thanks

Not married! Happily single!!!