Okay, I have not been on the forum in a while because of computer virus problems, but now I'm back so here goes.
Last week I started to feel sick. It's probably just the flu but I'm obsessing about it. Every time I feel an ache or a pain I get scared and I think I have heart disease or AIDS. The only thing is is that I just had an AIDS test done and it came back negative, so what gives. Why would I be thinking about AIDS? I am a total hypochondriac. Has anyone else with OCD ever thought they were dying of a horrible disease and that somehow the doctors were not finding the results? The reason I wonder this is because I hate these hypochondriacal fears. They are stupid. They make me feel like I'm nuts. I always remember when I first got sick and I believed I was gonna die of some horrible illness. Has anyone ever felt like this? Also, at my film school I just wrote a split script for a film about schizophrenia. This required me to research the topic. It brought back some of my old fears in a way about really being schizophrenic but nobody has caught it yet. It's stupid! It's crazy! I wonder sometimes if what I felt at the beginning of OCD was really paranoia and not anxiety. The reason I say this is because my anxiety was on all the time. I've been diagnosed with OCD and the doctor continuisly tells me I'm fearing nothing, but sometimes I am struck by doubt. And I hate that doubt. Sometimes it utterly disgusts me. I just want to know if anybody with OCD has ever felt like this? Anyone with OCD on the hypochondriasis, body dysmorphic end of the problem?

If anyone can reply that would be great,

Dave

Hi modernboy~
I don`t know how long you have been suffering from anxiety but what you are going through is "CLASSIC" anxiety symptoms. I know it sucks! I have had this for 15 yrs. Medication helps tremendously. Are you currently taking any meds.? I guess some people can live without them,but for some of us the difference is like night and day. I would rather take the meds. than suffer.

Ha, it sounded like one of my posts from about 6 months ago when I was reading yours. I was the same way. At one point, I was juggling 3 different doctors because in order to get ANY kind of relief from the worry over my health, I had to have the same tests ran at least three times because, "WHAT IF THEY MISSED SOMETHING??" Man, am I glad I'm past that valley.

Listen, you are just doing the scary thought routine, and you have control over it, so use it. Did you say you have the program? If so, it's time to break out the scary thought lesson and dig in. You can and will get past it, just put up the old stop sign. You have done all you can do by seeing the doctor. Now, it's time for you to let go of this concern and start moving on.

Good luck!

You are resisting the thoughts (and the feelings) and so they stay. Practice over and over again WATCHING THE THOUGHTS. You watch like you would a passing cloud. Watch, watch and watch. You are struggling. Let go of the struggle by being the watcher. When you experience physical symptoms from your attachment to the thoughts plop your body onto a comfortable chair and sag into it like a raggedy andy doll. Let your arms hang and do your best to relax. Describe the symptoms to yourself that you are having. Dry mouth, churning stomach, sore muscles, tingling, etc. Float with these feelings as you describe them. This is allowing. (Resistance, again, is why they stay. Begin to allow them. Dive right in.) Let some time pass. Stay out of your thinking mind by focusing on the sensations in your body. Those physical feelings will not hurt you nor will those thoughts. You are simply resisting the thoughts. Because you don't want these concerns they hound you. When you begin to watch them and to allow them (without talking back to them) they'll begin to drop you. Be patient. This takes practice but is well worth the effort.

Turn an about face and look at these fears. (Do the above exercise.) Find out what you can learn about yourself. What are you avoiding perhaps? Just consider this as a possiblity. Sounds like you are simply keeping ego alive through your resistance. Allow the resistance to be there as well. It is the same as letting it go.

You may also want to consider the coaching program. It would be great support and encouragement while you are practicing these exercises.

Blessings,
Bon

IN RESPONSE TO MESSAGE BY ANDREW

Thank you for responding. I guess I just got a little stuck. In response to your cause and effect statement about the thoughts just being a distraction, I guess I have not considered that this all started after I started feeling sick, and right before a good friendship of mine was about to explode into the nether regions of no-friendship land. You've talked to Carolyn Dickman? I've talked to her on the support line before. She's a real cool chick. The possible/probable seems like a real good skill to incorporate. So, yes you are right, it is possible to have AIDS, considering I'm a human beng--but it is not probable, considering the test came back negative. Your suggestion to use possible/probable is enlightening, I've never heard of that before. I've gotten very good at just letting my thoughts float through my head, but in the last couple of weeks I guess I've gotten blown outta proportion. Ya know what the funny thing is? I think my friendship issue and other possible stressors (things I haven't been dealing with) have shown up in my dreams, whereas in everyday life I've just paid attention to these stupid worries. Oh well, nobody's perfect aye? I think I'm gonna watch a Blondie concert tonite. That ALWAYS puts me in a motivated mood.

Thanx,
Dave

"My skin cries, my blood sighs--but I still owe some dread on this hide."

quote:

Originally posted by kristen:
[QB]Hi modernboy~
I don`t know how long you have been suffering from anxiety but what you are going through is "CLASSIC" anxiety symptoms. I know it sucks! I have had this for 15 yrs. Medication helps tremendously. [QUOTE]

Kristen:
Thank u for responding, I've been suffering from this for two or three years, but I do take medication which keeps it under control, except for when I am so extremely stressed that I am ready to fly through the roof. Then I get a little obsessive. My doctor even told me that that can happen. The meds I take are 300mg Luvox and .25mg of Xanax. I so agree with you that medication helps tremendously. I went through the program once on my own and I got pretty good, but I definitely think that anxiety disorder is a mental illness (the only thing I don't agree with the Midwest on) and that in some people it is biochemical and not all learned and it is going to require the help of some medicine. I'd rather take the medicine than suffer too. I'm with ya all the way on that one.

Thanx,
Dave

IN RESPONSE TO LESLIE ANNE:

Thank God! Well, I know in the program they talk a lot about fear over disease and stuff, but every once in a while I think we need to hear it from "one of us." I mean, I don't know about anyone else on here, but every once in a while I lose track of what I could be doing and I start looking into that dark abyss, but the meds I'm on pretty much take care of that. It's just I've been so stressed for the last two weeks, this time the meds couldn't help. Anyway, thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. Worrying over irrational things is something I haven't really done since I first got sick. That was when I had about six different doctors doing all these different tests on me to make sure I was okay. I even had to have about seven mental health professionals convince me I just had anxiety and not schizophrenia. Weird how we work sometimes, isn't it? Oh well, Celebrate your specialness I guess, huh?

Thanx

Dave

IN RESPONSE TO BON:

The main symptoms I feel when I decide to give these thoughts and ideas the time of day is tenseness, and a nasty feeling in my stomach. It's real quick but it goes away once the thoughts leave. However, I do like your suggestions and I thank you for responding. Sitting down like a Raggedy Andy doll just probably will be helpful. I guess our disorders are like science fiction stories: "Resistance is Futile." Ha Ha. But it's true. If ya think about it, it's only crap that's in our heads. That can't hurt you. Unless you let it. So, on that note I'm gonna make like the Jeffersons and move on up.

Sometimes, I forget that anxiety can be just as painful as any other mental disorder. That's what makes me wonder if I'm crazy sometimes. But I'm not, obviously. So, as per the thoughts, I guess it's time for them to shit or get off the pot.

thanx

Dave.

THIS IS FOR ANDREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!
UNHAPPY DAY!!!!!!
SOMEONE STOLE YOUR BLONDIE CD'S??????

I BET YOU'RE UPSET

As I read that last line of your reply, a tear fell from my eye and dripped slowly down to the keyboard without a sound.

I wish the best for you in getting those Blondie Cd's back. I can't imagine where anyone would be without Blondie. I feel everyone should listen to Blondie. I could make a faith out of it and call it Blondism. I will call the desciples of Blondie Blondists. As part of our religion we shall bleach our hair and put a big black stripe up the back and we will only listen to Blondie and/or Debbie Harry solo music. We will run a temple in New York City around where it's rumoured Debbie Harry lives, and we will chant Blondie songs and live in happiness.
Can you tell I'm a fanatic?

Talk witcha lata,
Dave

i'm soooo there! Debbie Harry is a goddess.

I suffered with EXACTLY the same fears. I was so convinced that I was schizophrenic and they just were not catching it. I mean, I would freak myself out all of the time. One word of advice, do not read about schizophrenia! Okay (smile) I also had the fear of aids. I was so certain I had contracted it from something-a bathroom-something. I got tested though and I made the firm decision to believe the tests were accurate. You know what is so funny-is if I were to see you on the street I would probably have no idea that you were thinking the same thing as me-"Am I schizo?" I would just say "Hi" and you would say "
Hi" and I would think to myself "Well, I wish I could be normal like him"

hi,

no you are okay, many people with anxiety think they are sick; I personaly don't think this is OCD or hypochondriacal. It's just anxiety - a disorder which everone here suffers from. Guess what - It does get better and your fears are no different from anyone else! Afterall that's what anxiety is. Don't worry about a disease that you don't have, if you want a second opion, get a free test done. It will come back negative too.
Just practice safe (well you know what I meen)).
I'm sorry you are suffering; I hate panic attacks - I would not wish them on any one.
trust your doctor and believe.

Hope you are feeling better - I used to worry about my health, but now it's all gone.

Just worry I'm going insane! Just kidding
Take care, it is anxiety

TO MODERNBOY,

I couldnt help but think that your post was me talking. I have gone through much of the similar symptoms. I have been in between degrees. I am currently getting ready to start on my Masters in film but have benn going through a trying time financially. A year ago, I started having pains in my abdomen which I thought was a hernia. I fought with going to the doctor for a couple of weeks because I didn't wnat to hear "you need surgery". Meanwhile, the anxiety and panic attacks were making me feel worse. Not being able to sort out the original pain from the panic attack, I was going downhill fast. I lost about 10 pounds and then my partner said, we're going to the doctor. I agreed. Well, right off the bat he diagnosed diverticulosis. He scheduled me for a barium enema which this caused more stress and embarassement, especially since I already had a medical phobia (double whammy).

Well guess what, the xrays showed minor diverticulosis which occurs with age. The recommendation was to just increase fiber. It took a couple of months but I began to feel better.

I did something unusual, I requested my xrays. I was hesitant to look at my insides but I'm glad I did. Months later, I began to have "what ifs" when I would feel a pain. The panic attacks would accentuate the feelings in my abdomen. I would just pull out my xrays along with the prognosis from the doctor saying that everything was fine. That helped me tremendously.

One word to everyone reading including Modernboy. I am at the point to where I am about to let go, not in a bad sense but in a good sense. There was a story I read about a man who went in for surgical remove of a polyp in his colon that was cancerous. The doctor was sure he got everything but just wanted the man to take radiation treatments to make sure it was gone. Well, over the course of a few weeks, the man's colon was doing just fine. However, he worried about his colon to the extent that within a few weeks his heart gave out because of fear. This is not to cause fear of being afraid but just to make it clear that there is no benefit to worry. I know we all know this but there comes a time when we just have to let go. SO WHAT! People feel pains in their bodies all the time. If the doctor tells you your fine, trust the doc! After all, he knows more about you than you do, hopefully.

Consider it medicine for your body. Releasing all of your negative emotions on a daily basis is like medicine for your body. We must be willing to accept change. Sure, our bodies will die someday but wouldn't it be great if we could release the fear of death from our lives. I'm sure going to try. I'm saying this to you because this is where I am at this moment. LIVE your life. You will feel pains in your body. Sometimes this is just a part of life. Sometimes you may need to go to the doc for persistent pain for a diagnosis. Not because you're dying but because you want to increase your quality of life.

I sure appreciate everyone's input because in the end we see that we are all NORMAL. Isn't that great.

I do believe that many of your fears are related to OCD but OCD falls into the same category as anxiety so they are very inter-related. OCD does not pertain only to those who wash their hands repeatedly. There are people, like me, who only have obsessive thoughts w/out compulsions. The good news is you can get over this!

What do you do when all the coping mechanisms and medicines fail? My OCD is what my therapist calls "mental gymnastics"... although we're not sure yet that I have OCD or just anxiety.

Last night I couldn't stop the irrational thoughts, relaxation didn't do it, the meds didn't do it, going outside and praying didn't do it, taking my mind off by doing other things didn't do it, so I stayed up all night.

This happens very often to me. I hate it. Usually I just "give up" and pace and pace and pace, and smoke and smoke and smoke (please no lectures about the smoking)

I hear over and over again it gets worse before it gets better, and I think I'm really hitting that "worse" part, and I'm struggling to get through each day, because even this excellent program isn't helping me because my intrusive thoughts make it impossible for me to relax.