Hi. I am on session 7. I should be on the last CD by now but life seems to get in the way. I have had sucess with the program and I feel better and can live my life in a more positive state of mind.

I have Pure O. They have always been about my children, more so 99% about my youngest son whom is eight. I always feel shaky around babies, afraid I may drop them on purpose ect. My thoughts are what if I lose control of my mind and hurt my son. I can say I am a great mom who loves her kids and I am raising them in a positive way to become good citizens and to bring to their lives something they one day will share with family and friends. I am told often that I am a rare kind when it comes to raising my boys. I have a 14 year old son as well and I have never had fears about him ever.

I love my kids so much and I am so against violence and even tell my boys to bring a bug outside because we have no right to kill it. That is how I see life...unless there is a killer bug...LOL, than I'll say well, go for it.

All in all my scary visions have gotton 90% better but I now see myself sitting in prision for hurting my child and see myself loosing all my freedom ect.

Every time I see something I like in a store or get happy for the coming day I have this rush of " well what if you do something stupid, why even get happy"? It is hard to explain and I wonder if any of you may know what I am saying. When those negative things come to my mind I smile and still go on with my day because I know I cannot let this get to me. I am a fighter for life and I am a strong individual so to have these feelings and thoughts are paralizing to me at times.

I have been through a very bad 3 years. My husband invited infidelity into our marriage of almost 14 years and my fears became even worse, so bad to the point I almost called the hospital to admit myself for treatment.

Now that I know what it is all about I do not have these emotions as bad as I have had. Educating myself has been the most powerful tool in getting better.

I went through some of the most tragic events in my mind from wondering who is really controlling me if it is just my brain, to wondering will my brain always protect me from doing something horrific to wondering why does everyone in the world commit such evil and than I thought if they did I will for sure. I even question how do my legs know to walk? I questioned everything and anything. I have gotten better with that, but my scary thoughts pertaining to harming my son at times and seeing myself in prision loosing all the things I love of this world is what scares me. Sometimes I feel this is a cancer and I have no control over it but I know I am too strong to allow this to get the best of me.

All in all I guess I was wondering if anyone may be able to tell me why this is the last thing to knida "hang" around my mind when all else is getting better?

Lilaclady -

Please take heart that thought is so far from what you would actually do and that is why it scares you. Boon has some really good posts on this forum for support under OCD. Please check them out.

Just know that these thoughts are not you and it's just your creative mind going overboard. I know because I am working on trying to get better myself. My thoughts are different but I know how scary they can be. Don't let you mind run the show. Don't even respond to the thought. Acknowledge it and move on.

I hope I've helped even a litte bit.

I know you can overcome this...

Jill

thank you so much for your kind words, I do appreciate it and I do feel better, for some reason just knowing that others have this makes me feel okay thanks again

quote:

,...I now see myself sitting in prision for hurting my child and see myself loosing all my freedom ect......I have been through a very bad 3 years. My husband invited infidelity into our marriage ....

I am only a traveler in this vally of shadows myself, but the infidelity, think may be the key to the ugly visions. our subconcious, can try to take over out reality when we are hurt that deeply. You can say you forgive him, and you can try to forget it, but offten times that just burryes the pain. the book "Feeling Burried Alive Never Die" helped me to dig out the rotten root that was festering and contaminating my life. Now I can truly say I have forgiven, and can forget the pain, (not the deed) but through true frogiveness, or the humanness of others can free us to forget the pain, and live well. This took a lot of jurnalling for me to do, and 15 months from when I started this course I can now, feel compleetly free from the pain, I no longer have visions of anyone dying to make it righ.

In my quest over the years from the visions of someone needing to die, to make it right, I have taken a course in dreames and visions, and the bottom line is "every thing and every one in your vision is a part of you" when you break it down and realize your deep pain, may have come from some one you hated as a child, and those types of people are attracted to you, untill you forgive them for their humaness. realizing that none are perfect, we all make mistakes and are in need of forgiveness, then we can have compassion for them, and ourselves. and just drop all that baggage, the visions will stop. They have for me. only a month ago. the vision came, but no one died. now my visions are more positive, and helpfull, and healing. I wish the same for you. "you are your own safe place, when you can accept that life happens, to every one. and we all need to forgive, each other. for the health of our body, mind and sole. Good Luck in your quarry.

that was just wonderful funny, you know, I feel this is all around what my husband did to me. I guess I just don't understand why it is around my lil' guy.

I feel did my husband cheat on me because I hurt him and now I am so afraid thinking what if I hurt my son? I never hurt my husband physically or in any way and I know that he lied to me saying that the reason why he cheated on me was my fault because I hurt him. In the end he said that he lied and that was an exuse but because I was so "nice" he thought I would beleive his reasons.

This anxiety/Pure O sucks, but, I will never let it get the best of me. It has stolen my life for almost three years now. I just wish I fully understood why it is about my youngest son when he is my love I would like to know is it maybe because he is little and I felt so helpless, so little too like my son when my husband did this to me?

Hi There -

That could be it possibly. We get these random thoughts of things we've seen on tv or heard about and since we're so sensitive and insecure about ourselves we have a hard time dismissing them. It's just thought and it can't hurt you.

Our mind can think anything it wants to and make us believe it's real but it's not.

Your a good person. I'm starting to work on my self-confidence more and I believe that will help with these inappropriate thoughts in the end.

Have a great day.

Jill

liliaclady-
I am so glad that you posted this-I was wondering if anyone else got the same thoughts as me-I to have Pure-O. I also can't get excited about something that I want to purchase because my mind is like "well don't get too excited about that purchase what if you are not here to enjoy it" my thoughts are towards myself - like what if I get so depressed I take my life-which I am not depressed and love life-so yes these thoughts are VERY annoying-but I am thankful to know that I am not the only on who thinks things like this-and for you to specifically state about going shopping and stuff I was like YES! finally someone understands thanks a bunch-keep in touch with me about this-PM me if you would like.

This forum is a breath of fresh air I feel normal here..lol,I feel normal in the real world, just overwhelmed by the thoughts.

GE...I was starting to think I was the only one with the whole shopping thing :0 I have an idea...how bout everytime we go shopping we can remeber that we are not the only ones and when the thought comes to our mind, let's smile and laugh... sound good? I will give it a whirl.

liliaclady-yes girl! I will think of that too!!! sounds great!

lilaclady
You're not alone, I too suffer from the same symptoms as you!

It's my belief that when our children are small the responsibility of raising them scares us and so to not focus on this we (those who go through that) think about the worse thing possible to keep them from dealing with what really scares us. We are afraid of failure as parents. We are afraid in some way that we will "ruin" our children. We have these ideas in our heads about what makes a good parent and those ideas are often way out of line.

The answer is the same, however. This is not as complicated as our mind makes it out to be. The above is something for you to think about. If it rings true for you, you will know. If it doesn't, then dismiss it. Your goal is to learn how to be present. I mean really present. Be present with your pain as well as your happiness. Be present with how you feel when you are happy and when you are sad and afraid. Practice being present and noticing your thoughts without engaging in conversation with them. You've let your mind go wild with imagination. Put that stop sign up and ask yourself what you are doing in the present moment. When you are in thought you are always in the past or the future. Always.

When you become the observer of your thoughts (and of your feelings) you are no longer resisting them. Now they can come and go without your attachment to them. Practice this. After all, they are just thoughts. Thin air. Mechanical. When you stop giving them energy they will cease to trouble you. You will one day be able to see how ridiculous these thoughts are. Practice. Be patient with your process. Soothe yourself all the time. Comfort that little girl in you. That's the one who is scared. Replace with soothing self talk. Your peace will come.

boon, thank you your words are an inspiration.

Boon; right on!
patientence and staying in the perfect present moment. enjoying every day of you life. That is the goal. You will get there lilaclady, little by little. Lucinda tells us our fear is offten a fear of sucess, because that comes with so much responsbility. but there is also the fear of failure and all parents have that, I always remember my child was a gift to me, because I am the perfect one to raise him, mistakes happen, to all of us, and we and our child learn from them. Some times I would apolligies to my children as they grew older, and my daughter still thanks me today, (in her 30's) her fondest memories are when I had the courage to be wrong, and admit it. You can only live in the now, the future will take care of itself.

I had truble haveing a good relationship with my daugher because she reminded me so much of my brother. I fought myself all the time trying not to take out my frustrations with my brother on her because she did the things he did that made me angry with him. It was difficult for me to not react, as the little hurt sister with her. It took a few years for me to realize that is why I over reacted to her so much. Once I understood I was transferring my dissapointment with my brother to my I cuuld change it more easily. Reminding myself, she is a one of a kind modle, and she will make mistakes, and she will one day gorw up and be her, not my brother. She is now a 5th grade teacher, she does things like my borther, and things like my mother, but now affter this course, I can make allowences for all of them now that my expectations are less, learning to have a lower expectation for my family, has made much kinder, and gentler tward every one, I know they will be OK and it is not my job, to tell them how to live! I am not so stired up knowing I am the only one I can fix, the rest of them are living their lives, with out my directions, just fine, I can relax and enjoy my choices, in my life now, so much eaiser to live knowing the world will turn with out my help. I regret not understanding this when my kids were younger, so I could allow them to grow up, to be them, instead of the perfect child I tried to mold them into. what is perfect? Happy is all I ever wanted for them, and they are getting there despite my mistakes. I am finding the best way to teach is to moddle the life you want your children to grow up to emulate. As my grandmother told me they won't hear what you tell them, they will do what they see in you.
Even now they are wateching and changeing as I am changeing. I love it, so much eaiser to do than trying to make them perfect, in my sight.

Okay, we are apparently all cut from the same cloth! I have been posting to 4202 and GE and others about my scary thoughts which also involve my two precious gifts from God.

I just worry what if i snap and hurt them or myself. I had episodes of this right after they were born (and the fact that Andrea Yates did that to her kids right after my first child was born didn't help!! Scared me to death!). I'm going to give the program my 100 % to get over these useless and time-zapping thoughts. My therapist says that this type of catastrohic thinking is a habit and it's just fearing the worst possible scenario, which in my situation I was taught to be this way by my mom who is the QUEEN OF ALL WORRIERS!!! If I went to the movies I couldn't eat popcorn because I'd "choke to death" I couldn't run when I was playing with my friends because I'd "fall and crack my head open" I couldn't walk around with wet hair after a bath cuz I'd "catch my death" - she was constantly barraging me with negative and catastrophic thinking and being the good little pupil I am, I picked it right up.

I'm getting help from the program now and with a therapist because I don't want to continue the cycle with my babies. I want them to be like my husband - not a care in the world!!!

I'm sorry that you all have gone through this too, but I am thankful to have people here who speak my language!!!

Hello again Tollymom! And everybody else here!
It helps to know that there are other people out there who have scary obsessive thoughts. Mine is pretty much that I won't be able to take this anxiety anymore and will kill myself! I would never do that, I love my family so much and have a wonderful life. I also think about what if I hurt my son and that thought just makes me sick, he is the one thing I love most in this world. I just hate having these thoughts!