i was thinking to myself today about my HOCD and wondered why i never worried about being a pedophile. since POCD and HOCD are so closely related, i just wondered how come the thought of me being a pedophile had never crossed my mind even though i admit ive had some pretty pedophilic arousals in the past.

I was racking my brain trying to figure why i was never worried about being a pedophile and then it hit me: i was never worried about being a pedophile i had wierd pedophilic arousals all my life and i knew i wasnt a pedophile.

Some with POCD suddenly gets a wierd pedo thought or gets an arousal and it sticks because it might be true, like with me, i remember being younger and picking up babies or playing with kids and i get a wierd erection. it pretty odd now that i think about it, but someone with POCD mightve had that arousal and think just because they had it means that they MUST be a pedophile and there is not way of changing it.

I dont agree.

I know im not a pedophile and coul never hurt kids. ive had a wierd arousal that can be thought as pedophilic but i know im not a pedophile because its not me and because ive gotten that arousal all my life.

I applied this logic to HOCD. My HOCD is triggered by seeing an attractive or well built male and freakin out because i think that just because i think he's nice looking or in good shape it means im gay. If i see a attractive male, there is nothing wrong or gay about agreeing that , yeah, he's attractive or well built. it doesnt make you gay to think a guy is nice looking or well dressed or in good shape. i freaked out maybe because i though that by thinking this it made me think that i was into guys and there was no other way out of it. like i was in a prison and there was no way i could think a guy was attractive and be straight.

Yet i hear guys say all the time, "he a nice looking guy" i think my nephew is a handsome young guy, it doesn make me gay for him or anybody.

its been hard to accept this but it does seem like it might be the answer to what im going through. i have a fear of finding a guy attractive because if i see a guy and i truthfully think he is nice looking i think that it MUST mean im into guys and there no possible way of me being who i want to be.

a funny thing happened while i was at work, one of the guys said he was watching some porno thing on HBO and he saw this one part about a gay pornstar who was well endowed down there. if i had to watch that i wouldve ran out the room screaming or probably would have had a panic attack, but the guy i was talking to said he was comfortable looking at a gay guy with a big penis. it didnt bother him at all. i couldnt understand how it didnt.

Ultimately, i dont think im into guys, never have been, never will be. there were times when the depression and anxiety were so bad that i wouldve been bi willingly just to make the it stop. I tires being honest with myself and tried gay things and tried coming out thinking it would make me happy. none of it did. im not surpressing anything because ive tired VERY hard to be into guys, just like im into girls and just doesnt feel right.

i hope ive helped someone