i used to cut myself.i havent for a few months now,but the urge to is coming back. this is really hard to talk about.
i didnt stop because i wanted to,i stoped because everyone else wanted me to.and i am very bitter about this.my mother drinks but she will stop when SHE is ready despite how much she is hurting herself AND those around her.when i stoped cutting myself it was because my fiance said he would leave me,he couldnt take seeing me do that to myself.
i didnt see anything wrong with what i did.the cuts were never deep and i was very carefull.it was just my way of letting out the pain,by making it real on my skin and not hidden in my head.
im hurting again and the urge has come back.its like i can feel an ache in my arms where i know i could just leave a little papper cut and let the pain run out.i dont know what to do.

Huntress,

The idea of giving into this urge would be a CHOICE!

I think you should make the right CHOICE no matter what type of urge you feel. You don't have to give in to those negative ways of expressing your pain.

Try positive ways of letting out your pain. Crying, writing/journaling, stimulating exercise can all be ways of letting out your pain. These are healthy ways of expression compared to cutting.

Cutting creates pain and this pain becomes addicting. It creates a release of chemicals in your brain when you do it and it's very dangerous. This type of pain helps you from being so focused on your internal pain and becomes an outlet for expression.

I would really encourage you to make the right choice and find better ways to deal with your emotional pain.

Create better habits for yourself.

You might also consider a program called "Recovery Inc.".... it's a free program and they have meetings all over. You might even find one near you. http://www.recovery-inc.com

Treat yourself as you would a good friend!! Would you cut a friend if you were upset? NO!!
So don't do it to yourself.

Drag out a journal and just write.................

Hey Huntie,
I got this off a website. Hope these suggestions are helpful to ya!
(Many of SMears' suggestions are in there! )
-------------------------

Disclaimer: Listed below is a list of things to do instead of cutting, burning, bruising, or other forms of self-inflicted violence. Please remember, that not everything on this list will work for everyone, feel free to pick and choose. The more options we have the better our choices of finding healthy alternatives. Some of these choices are complicated, and you might want to utilize the help of your therapist or trusted friend in undertaking them. Recovery is not a process that can be walked through alone� please don't be afraid to reach out for help.

ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-INJURIOUS BEHAVIORS

Use washable red markers to "cut" on your skin

Place your hands in freezing cold water

Listen to music/relaxation tapes

Repetitive reality checking (It's April two thousand, and I'm going to be ok)

Negotiate with yourself

Get to know others

Recognize and acknowledge the choices you have NOW

Offer options

Carry tokens to remind you of peaceful comforting things/people

Create and use mental safe places (beach, cabin in the woods, peaceful mountain)

Get out on your own, get away from the stress

Help someone around you (reach out on a bb, newsgroup, phone list etc.)

Pay attention to the changes needed to make you feel safe

Count yourself down (ten...nine...eight...seven...)

Take a different perspective (different vantage point)

"I'm aware"; Repeat five things you see, smell, touch, taste in your present surroundings to help ground you in the present

Pay attention to your breathing (breath slowly, in through your nose and out through your mouth)

Pay attention to the rhythmic motions of your body (walking, stretching, etc.)

Move to music

ASK FOR HELP

Ask yourself inside, what YOU need

Make affirmation tapes inside you that are good, kind, gentle (Sometimes you can do this by writing down the negative thoughts and then physically re-writing them into positive messages)

Journal

Touch Something familiar/safe

Draw

Put your feet firmly on the floor

Make something (craft, needlework, etc.)

Accept a gift from a friend

Meditate

Make a phone list of people you can call for support. Allow yourself to use it

Learn HALT signals (hungry, angry, lonely, tired)

Identify what is causing you pain (other than food)

Accept where you are in the process. Beating yourself up, only makes it worse.

Do something FUN!!!

Take a break from mental processing

Take a SAFE risk

Tear up paper (old phonebooks, newspapers, etc.)

Honor your present anger

Throw ice cubes at the bathtub wall, at a tree, etc.

Give yourself permission to.... do something else (Keep it safe)

Lose the "should-could-have to "words. Try... "What if" with a positive ending

Choose your way of thinking, try to resist following old thinking patterns

Put memories in air tight containers with air tight lids

Notice black and white thinking

Connect with others around you. Call a therapist or friend.

Notice "choices" versus "dilemmas"

Keep in touch with others who are fighting the same fight

Check in with yourself and others frequently (try not to isolate)

Make yourself as comfortable as possible (Without using food)

Take a bath or a shower

Color in coloring books

Hold a stuffed animal

Write a poem

Leave the room

Leave the premises

Write a letter, NOT mailed, to the person or problem upsetting you

Play a musical instrument

Plan regular activities for your most difficult time of day

Call a hotline or support group

Listen to a comedy tape or video

Reality check old messages (Those you supply and those you hear others tell you)

Clean the house

Get out a fine tooth comb and vigorously brush the fur of a stuffed animal (but use gentle vigor )

Pull weeds in a garden

Plant flowers

The best way to utilize this list is to print it out and keep it handy. When the urge to self-abuse hits, we are often easily overwhelmed. This is not the best time to try and remember what our healthy choices are. If they are already written out and on hand, all we have to do is read down the list until we find something safe and helpful. That works better than trying to put more pressure on an already overtaxed mind. Eventually, the choices that work best become as natural as walking and talking, and you no longer have to keep the list as near to you.

This list was compiled from various hospitalization experiences, personal struggles, and many on-line conversations/bulletin board postings. (� Nineteen-Ninety-Seven)

thank you SMears
i do and always have had many outlets for my pain/anger etc. but they have never been enough.i do cry(alot) i write songs,poetry and in a diary.i draw alot too.but its like there is always this nagging pain that cant get out any other way.please dont worry about im not going to do it.but i still really want to.

Andrew,what you heard is in fact true in some cases,but not in mine.
i think i was about nine or ten years old when i started cutting.i started doing it as a way of handling surplus pain.the pain i couldnt cry out or talk to someone about or my anger tward someone,it i couldnt hurt them i would hurt myself.(pretty messed up logic)
this is really hard to explain.cutting was a way for me to externalize the pain.since people tend to only see the "happy" me cutting was a way of saing "HEY!LOOK,IM HURTING TOO!"
the really funny part was even though the cuts were on my arms no one ever saw them untill i showed them.
it was also very much like i was traped in my own little dark world in my head and the pain made things clear,brought me back to reality.there were times i would have panic attacks and go in to a "trance" or "black out" and cut myself.the pain would bring me back and i would calm down.
so really,in my case its not that i cut to feel,i cut not to feel.i used to cut to avoid the internal pain/anger and sadness caused by my mothers drinking to avoid her pain/anger and sadness.what a twisted web we weave.

thank you Auntie Craw!i had never heard/thought of some of those!that is a great list and i will try some of them,but the struggel will continue 'till' i can beat and burie it.(i cant really see...what the heck did i just type?)

quote:

but its like there is always this nagging pain that cant get out any other way.

We hold ourselves in certain patterns and behaviours by what we tell ourselves. You can get them out other ways, you are just used to this one inparticular being the most effective or should I say dramatic. Try some of those other suggestions and make the choice to not cut because you dont want to. Not becuase anyone else wants it. Then you may feel like getting back at them the wrong way. Part of getting over our anxiety is learning to care for ourselves. Cutting is never ok nor is it caring. But you are learning to not beat yourself up , but to learn instead. ANd that you are doing. Give yourself credit for how far you've come. You are talking about a problem and looking for support and answers. Keep it up. Thats the way to get thru a rough time.
Hugs and more hugs, Reena

quote:

Originally posted by huntress:
[qb]i used to cut myself.i havent for a few months now,but the urge to is coming back. this is really hard to talk about.
i didnt stop because i wanted to,i stoped because everyone else wanted me to.and i am very bitter about this.my mother drinks but she will stop when SHE is ready despite how much she is hurting herself AND those around her.when i stoped cutting myself it was because my fiance said he would leave me,he couldnt take seeing me do that to myself.
i didnt see anything wrong with what i did.the cuts were never deep and i was very carefull.it was just my way of letting out the pain,by making it real on my skin and not hidden in my head.
im hurting again and the urge has come back.its like i can feel an ache in my arms where i know i could just leave a little papper cut and let the pain run out.i dont know what to do.[/qb]

Sounds like you stopped out of respect for your fiance and the pain you caused him by hurting yourself. Is that reason still valid? Is the love & respect still there? Is that a good enough reason to fight the urge to cut yourself? Just asking. I'm not sure how you feel.
Tammy

good question tammy! yes, it is still there.but its one of those things that i have a voice in the back of going "hes in japan,he'll never know."that and i have a lot of anger and resentment right now.toward him and my mother.i know i need to chanel that energy in to something else,its just hard to find a release with the same effect.im thinking of getting a punching bag.

quote:

Originally posted by huntress:
[qb]good question tammy! yes, it is still there.but its one of those things that i have a voice in the back of going "hes in japan,he'll never know."that and i have a lot of anger and resentment right now.toward him and my mother.i know i need to chanel that energy in to something else,its just hard to find a release with the same effect.im thinking of getting a punching bag.[/qb]

Huntress
The same effect is what you DON'T want!!!
If you always do what you've always done... you'll always get what you've always gotten. You want to be free of your anger and resentment. Cutting yourself has not accomplished that. You want to be free of the self hate. Cutting yourself has not accomplished that. The opposite of self hate is self love. If you always do what you've always done (cut) then you'll always get what you've always gotten (self hate). If you do something healthy and healing (get a punching bag) then you will begin to feel self love.

As SMears said, it's a choice.

I know it's not an easy choice, but give it a try.
Tammy

I'm just reading this thread right now and I'm sorry that you feel this way, huntress.
Are you currently getting therapy? I think it could help you deal with all of this pain that you're feeling inside.
If something did happen to you your family and loved ones would be devastated. They just want you to be safe, but I can feel the pain that you have inside and how you want to release it.
I hope that you will seek some additional help so that one day you can love yourself and your body, rather than wanting to hurt it.
Take care and keep us posted.

Huntress
You are feeling very unhappy, angry right now. you are the only one who truly knows why this anger has appeared. It is your choice weather you want to share your anger with the ones who have caused it. The important thing to remember however is that it's OK to be angry. Things happen to people in their lives which thru no fault of their own, they become the victim. You know the truth, you know whats happened to you. Now you must decide what your going to do about it, if anything. This decision does not come easily, you must weigh the consenquence of your actions. It's esp. hard when the people involved are close to you. Sometimes it involves breaking relationships with them, if that is what you feel you must do. We tend to use ourselves as punching bags for problems which affect us, but are really not our fault. It seems easier to do this then place the blame on those who are truly at fault. Do you think by cutting yourself, you are avoiding confronting the real source of the problem?. I know how hard it can be. I chose not to confront the people who were causing my problems, instead I decided that my life is importand to me, and I must try and chose the path which will cause me the lest grief, and the most happiness. This is said in the Serenity Pray
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference." If you can realize that what you want to do to yourself, is a reflection of how desperate a situation appears to you, it may help you understand that you come to a point in your life where you need to make the decision on what road to take. Resolve or dissolve it.
With blessings
Sander