I didn't know what to call this. I don't have a lot sorted out, just some thoughts. It seems in my own experience that my fear of God is about not knowing or being sure of my actual spiritual state and relationship with God. There is an uncertainty. I feel trapped between living in a world which requires so much of my time and energy for earthly matters so I can support myself and help support my family, and spending time with God to get to know Him as He reveals Himself to me. My own experience has been that if I will put in the time with Him, seeking Him by just being still and waiting in silence for Him, He eventually arrives. And it's so wonderful to know when this happens that Christ is more than knowledge of the Bible and knowledge about Him, the Father, and the Holy Spirit. He is real. His love and mercy are real. I've experienced Christ's presence to the point of being filled with His presence. But it's been sixteen years since the last time this occurred. I feel guilty about my life to some degree and the fact that I have struggled most of it to just take care of me. In 1972 I first experienced Ephesians 3:19. But, I never put my experience and Ephesians 3:19 together until about five years ago. The amplified Bible says so much more than any other translation about the meaning of this verse and I did not read the amplified translation until about five years ago. One night in April, 1972, frustrated with college and ministry and personal spiritual life and how to put it all together, I went to a place by myself where I could pray and voice my frustration to God. Before I could get anything out audibly Christ filled my body with His presence. With it came intimate knowledge and sensing of His unconditional love, the peace that passes all understanding (Phillipians 4:6,7) and absolute security and sense of well being. I had no doubt as to my relationship with Him and no doubt that if I had died that I would have gone to be with Him. He didn't do this just for myself. This experience impacted and may have changed the course of two other lives, at least, besides my own.

Then, at the start of 1987, feeling defeated, tremendous sense of loss of self esteem and security and unemployed and just lost in understanding life, I began to seek God again. Within three weeks I knew that He was showing up when I just sat there waiting for Him. And again I could sense His presence within me. But this time it was different. This time it was not as intense, but it lasted into the afternoon. And these times ocurred every day as I would meet with Him. The time spent with Christ gave me energy for my work day. My son was only 2 and a half then and talking about God to him was as natural as breathing. Talking to anyone about God was as natural as breathing. God was with me continually, I didn't have to remind myself that He was with me, I could sense Him with me for most of the day. But, then I started my own business and over time lost my way.

I wish I knew and understood how to put it all together, but I don't. All I know to do is try and keep on trying. I've heard some people say, "Try as if it all depended upon you and pray as if it all depended upon God." Jesus said to seek His kingdom and righteousness first and then our earthly needs would be provided as well. But, I am going about it the opposite. I am trying to keep things going from an earthly perspective, hoping that as I get better I'll have the time to incorporate more spiritual things. Wouldn't it be irresponsible to just let earthly matters go and seek God? Is it really as simple as Jesus seems to say? Can I really just seek Him and His kingdom and let these earthly responsibilities wait? Is it like Mary sitting at Christ's feet and Martha busily taking care of earthly matters? Jesus said that Mary had chosen the good portion, and that Martha was worried about many things. But only one thing was needful. And that was to sit at His feet. Does anyone understand what I am trying to say? It just seems irresponsible to me to apply Matthew 6:33 and just expect, majically, that God is going to take care of all the rest. Some things are my responsibility. God is not going to majically deposit money into my bank account so I can continue to wait for him. Does anyone understand what I am saying? Maybe I need to be more disciplined with my time. Anyway, I keep hoping that I'll continie to recover and get the point where I'm hitting on all eight cylinders instead of just four.

So, I don't feel that I am fulfilling God's will for my life, and thus, I am unsure of my eternal destiny. Does this strike a cord with anyone else?