This is something I felt the need to write after reading most of a book about OCD.

My OCD, Anxiety and Depression

23 September 2002

Unbeknownst to my own family, that is, my sister, brother, mother, father, step mother and brother-in-law, I not only HAVE OCD, but most likely have had it from early on in my childhood. I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by the Psychologist who diagnosed my clinical depression. I was, in the first year of that diagnosis, very unhappy to have such a �label� although I had suspected it for many years prior. My sister, who has no degree higher than an Associate Degree, declared I did NOT have OCD and it is just the new �trendy label� that *I* myself was applying to me. This is, she says, what happened years back when I was told I might have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) which was, as per HER perception, the then trendy label. I gather she�s never heard of misdiagnosis. How she deems herself qualified to diagnose is beyond my comprehension. How she even thinks she knows what goes on in my mind when we hardly even talk to each other escapes me. I suppose, as well as being a Doctor, in her own mind, she is also a psychic (more likely psychotic). In either case, I am primarily Obsessive (unwanted and often irrational thoughts) as I do not have any compulsions (physical actions) that I feel compelled to engage in too often to alleviate my anxieties produced by my obsessive thoughts. There are sometimes mental compulsions that I engage in however. Being compelled to repeat, in my mind, a word or phrase would be an example of this for me.



I recall, as a child, when I would turn in a circle, I would have to turn in the opposite direction to �unwind� or counterbalance the action. I knew it was odd, but no one else knew I did this. Throughout my life, there have been times when I couldn�t reach anyone I tried to call on the phone, whether it be an individual or a business. This would cause me to wonder if I really existed or if perhaps I was alone in the world suddenly.



It is painful to admit that I have thought violent, aggressive thoughts as well as morbid ones pertaining to my own child and my fianc�. These thoughts terrify me. I am unready at this point to detail or specify what these thoughts have entailed. For me, it has long been that thinking is the same as acting on something. If I think ill thoughts of someone, even if warranted, I can make it come true. This belief goes back as far as my childhood.



As of September 2002, my obsessive thoughts pertain to dirtiness, that is things that are unclean or I perceive to be unclean. While I�m not compulsive with hand washing or showering, I think often about the dirt I must have picked up on a rare outing, or how filthy the dishes are and so forth, to the point of being unable to touch the items I am considering. I often disallow myself to give into any compulsions to counter act these thoughts unless it seems logical and reasonable to do so.

When I grocery shop, if I am purchasing cleaning chemicals, I cannot have it in the same bags as any food items for fear of being poisoned. I am obsessed with being poisoned by either chemicals or spoiled foods. Even the smell of some food that is questionable will make me ill. This is even when no one else seems to find the food �off�. Even prior to my one time of food poisoning (the ham didn�t even smell bad) I had a habit of smelling dairy products every time I used them, even if I just used the item a moment ago and am using it again. If meat looks even slightly different than I think it should, I cannot eat it (this, too, is from prior to the food poisoning incident).



I cannot leave my skin alone if there is any unevenness or roughness to it. I will pick until it is no longer rough, to the point of bleeding and discomfort. This especially pertains to my scalp and blemishes anywhere on my body as well as Thom�s or Alaura�s blemishes.



Thom, my fianc�, is the first person to ever know about these things I do. I have done well to keep these odd behaviors hidden from anyone else, obviously including my family.



Another aspect of my OCD, which is a compulsive as well as obsessive behavior, is my �collecting�. That�s the polite, correct term for pack ratting. I have, in my lifetime, kept magazines, newspapers, mail, crafts items, and many other things that I couldn�t let go of for fear of throwing out something that may, someday, be useful.



At this point in time, this is all I�m ready to admit to or describe.

Well, that's all I wrote thus far. I guess out of frustration of having to explain to anyone (if I even want to do so) of what kind of behaviours I have that are OCD, I figured it's easier to write it all down cuz off the top of my head I can never remember. Also, when I tell anyone one or two of the things I do, they always try to explain it away as a "normal" thing that they too do or someone they know does. But A behaviour isn't the same thing as MANY behaviours.

Hi Zoe and thank you for the welcome. I have posted in a few other threads about two weeks ago.
The book I'm reading is "Over and Over Again-Understanding Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder" by Fugen Neziroglu, Ph.D. and Jose A. Yaryura-Tobias, M.D. The book is more of an understanding OCD and the treatment options available. It has been very informative and the first place, thus far, that I have found my own OCD addressed.

Oddly enough, what I posted initially in this thread was only meant to be for me, but I decided to share it after all because I know how much it has helped me knowing there are others who share my anxiety, depression and symptoms. I noticed there wasn't much posted here on OCD and thought it would benefit others to know they have company in this.

The book mentions much use of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy in addition to other therapies and medications where necessary.

Although my family isn't supportive at all, my fiance and 12 year old daughter understand and are very supportive. I try not to lean too much on my daughter for understanding. She is still a child and I don't feel it's her place to have to be there for me as much. Also, I think that her understanding is limited even though she has greater compassion than the rest of my family. My fiance is wonderfully encouraging and is willing to read anything I wish to share with him. He is also a great reality check for me with the OCD.

I have received the program, as of two and a half weeks ago. I'm only on lesson 2 but have found the program so fantastically helpful even from day one. My fiance noticed a difference in the easing of my worry lines the first night. We both believe that was due to my coming here to the message board and finding peers. Although we really can't afford the program we're going to keep it and make the payments. My fiance says it's well worth it even if it only helps a little. I am truly blessed to have him and my daughter by my side.

Hi check out .www.ocdonline.com

Hey Xintara,

I wanted to share with you some books on OCD. I am on the obsessional side of the disorder and also have scary thoughts similar to yours.

"Brian Lock" by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz epmhasizes "it's not me, it's my OCD" and relabelling the symptoms of the disorder as "I have these thoughts/compulsions because I have a medical disorder called OCD."

"The OCD Workbook" by Bruce M. Hyman and Cherry Pedrick. I read the part on obsessions. It suggests exposure therapy (which I am "prepping" myself for.)

"The Imp of The Mind" by Dr. Lee Baer offers relief to sufferers of obsessive thoughts that they are just thoughts. Also: aggressive thinking is part of being human; unfortunately because of biochemical and environmental factors the thoughts get stuck like a broken record.

Hope these help. :0)

Hello there,

I to deal with ocd, anxiety and depression. I have recently found some relife for the anxiety and depression through meds but the thoughts, though lessened, still pursist. The hardest thing is that you know they are totally irrational and that you are doing it to yourself but yet it feels so real and out of your control.Fortunately for me I have been able to lead a pretty normal life though I have been dealing with this for 2.5 years. I have orders that book "Imp of the mind" and am hoping to gain even more insight. I pray that eventually I will be rid of this. Good luck to you as well and feel free to e-mail me.
michelle

Iluvjjep,

"eventually I will be rid of this" Amen to that!!

"The Imp" is a very helpful book.

God's speed.

Hi, I am a newbie and very happy to be one. I am excited and hopeful that this program will help my 13 yr old daughter. She was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as well as OCD in the 4th grade. Her OCD consists of Trichotillomania or in other words hair pulling. When she was in the 4th grade she nearly pulled out all her hair to the point we had to shave her head close to a half inch high. She went to Psych therapy as well as went on Prozac. She went into remission and grew her hair half way down her back. Recently last summer she slowly started having anxiety again and pulling her hair. With in a few short months she has many bald spots and has to wear her hair a certain way in fear kids will notice. I have done extensive research on this issue and have been hopeless in the past. It is heart breaking to watch your beautiful daughter do such terrible things to herself. I to had this when I was little but pulled at my eye lashes instead. I wasn't aware that I had this until she started. I have not done this since high school and can not figure out what made me stop. I am saddened at how this is affecting her self esteem. It has affected every aspect of her life including her relationship with God. She often askes why won't he help me? I have a strong faith in the Lord but through the pain have even questioned why? Does anyone know of this disorder and is this program worth it and will it work? I am desperate to find help for her. I refuse to give in until I get her back to the happy healthy person she once was. Thanks for listening!! I will keep you all in my prayers!!

Charity,

Cognitive-behavioral therapy has a good chance of working or at least making things better for your daughter. I understand her questions towards God, however, she has to do her part first and then God will take care of the rest.

This program offers good cognitive-behavioral methods. I am positive you can use this program for a 30 day trial or get your money back.

There is a non-profit, free cognitive-behavioral program out there available to people of all types of problems and it's called Recovery.Inc.
It's been around since the 1940's and they offer weekly meetings around the US and some other countries where people can learn this type of therapy. You can visit their website, most likely there is a meeting near you. http://www.recovery-inc.com

I wish you well.

Smears,
Have you gone to the recovery meetings?If so,what did you think of them?
sky

wow,all your postes are realy amazeing.as a result i have realized my obsessiveness.
xintara,yet another wow!i do all the things you discribed.i mean to the detail,the counteracting,the inperfection picking,the "scary thoughts",the unclaen fear(that one was fun when i was working for a house cleaning service)and the "collecting".
aside of all this i used to be what is affectionatly called a "cutter"i used to cut myself to release tention,anxiety,whatever.
i never thout i had or could have ocd.
thank you all,very very very much.i dont know that any of you know what this means to me.
thank you again,
lindsey

hi Charity it breaks my heart to hear about a child with ocd I have it and it is a horrible thing to live with I am currently seeking therapy with ocdonline they have some information on their website aabout this the website is www.ocdonline.com
I hope it helps beacuse I really feel for your daughter I go through the same thing.

Hi Everyone, Thank you for the replies and support. I am going to try this pogram as well as every other thing anyone can suggest. It is comforting to know we are not alone. I really don't want to put her on meds and I have read for the most part meds don't work. I'm not sure about behavioral thereapy but I will try anything. The reason I am unsure is because for the most part she does not know when she is doing this. She usually does it watching TV, or on the computer, on the phone, almost in places where her mind is some where else. Some times I have stopped her and she was unaware she was even doing it. With OCD alot of people have the misconception that anger leads to her hair pulling. She may feel stress prior and it is relieved when she pulls but it is not a tantrum. She explains it as if she goes into a transe and she can't snap out. Does anyone know if teens use this program and do you think it would be hard to follow?

Charity!i am a teen,and i use the program.but first i just want to comment on what you said about your daughter describing it as being in a trance.i know what that is like.thats what it was like for me when i would cut.but the cutting its self was a product of pain,anger,stress and other pent op emotion,the picking at the cuts after i made them was a comfort impulse.im not trying to scare you but this is how it would go:
my emotions (which had been repressed)would build up then erupt like a volcaino,i would have a brake down of sorts and some time durning it i would sort of black out in which time i would cut myself(i know it is different for your daughter but bare with me).most of the time i would wake up and not remember having done it.once they were there if i was just idle,watching tv or in the car i would pick at the cuts,i didnt ever realy consiousaly register the feeling of pain b/c subconsiousaly it was a comfort like a child that sucks it thumb,it was just a reaction.i no longer cut myself but i still pick,when im board and thinking about other things i will scratch at a bump on my arm,an old scar or a blemish on my face and never once realize im doing it untill someone tells me im bleeding. i never knew or thought it may be OCD untill reading xintaras post.
anyway,moving on,the program,i think every teen with these problems should have acsses to the program.its not hard to fallow,but if your daughter is like me("ooo!distracted by a shiny object!)she my need to listen to the tapes a few times and keep going over the work book.i know i need to listen to a tape at least twice befor it realy sinks in.something else that i think is very important is that you stay involved.do it with her,talk about what you just heard and how she feels about it,although from the sound of it this wont be a problem.you seem very involved and it seems like the two of you comunicate very well.
some other stuff:
dose she know why she dose it?once she herself understands it may become easyer for her to stop.
allso in my expirance i found that becoming more aware of myself was a great help in my recovery.this, how ever is not easy,well none of this is easy but you know what i am saying.
anyway,im babbling,if you would like more of a rambling teens perspective on this kind of thing please fell free to email me at lindseykitten23@hotmail.com
i hope i have and can help/helped
good luck,best wishes and lots of love,
lindsey