This is hard for me, but I need to talk to someone. I have always had obsessive compulsive disorder since I can remember: IT started by making sure the candles were out when I knew they were out and making sure things were straight. Well, about three years ago, I started having intrusive thoughts. I would wake up and see a knife or sharp object cutting a piece of meat. After that I don't remember what I am experiencing now. I went to two therapists then and they said it was stress. The thoughts came back strongly about a month and a half ago after my car was stolen. It started when I saw someone drinking something, eating or smoking a cigarette and I thought "I wish you would choke on that".Then it was like sentences...I could be thinking, I will fold the towels after I kill myself, but would replace the thought with "after I kill my parents" The thoughts are like broken records..I wake up with them and they haunt me everyday. IT seems that when I do research on the internet, the thoughts become worse. I also have the thought of when I am with or around somebody that says "kill her/him" It is not a voice but a thought. I have become so distraught that I wonder if it is a voice, but I know it isn't. I am scared. This has been going on for almost two months. Before this, I had extreme panic attacks and had to go to my car while at work and try to calm myself down and now I have the intrusive thoughts. I went to the dr and was diagnosed with OCD, so I am on Zoloft again, which I swore never to take medicine again, but I am desperate. I was told to give it time, but how do you give it time when you are so depressed for feeling this way. I know these symptoms sound crazy, but please don't think I am crazy.

alicia-
i'm not sure i have a response for you about this, because i have never experienced it myself, but i did want to let you know that i read your post and i don't think you're crazy. i think that you should keep the lines of communication open with your therapist/psychatrist-make sure you are very honest with them about everything you are feeling and thinking. don't be ashamed to be on medication-for some people it really helps, and the goal here is to be helped right?
i wish you luck and better days

Thank you for responding. I was hoping someone could relate to how I was feeling.

Alicia, I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something to make you feel better right away! Listen, these thoughts are just another manifestation of your anxiety. I had some pretty terrible scary and obsessive thoughts during the height of my anxiety. The program has a great CD on obsessive/scary thoughts. Remember, you are not alone. A lot of us have them to some degree or another. It does not mean you are crazy or losing your mind.

I found the obsessive thoughts escalated in time and intensity until I put a stop to them. I began saying to myself as soon as I had one "nice try, Lisa. Let's see how scary you can make these"! Then I'd have another one and I'd say, "that one was scarier than the first. Man, you are really trying to make yourself miserable, aren't you?" You are so terrified of these thoughts and your mind will continually go back to them because you have given them validity. Don't. Listen to the CD and practice putting up that big red stop sign when you begin feeling this way. It will take some time, but it took you time to start feeling this way too. It is a behavorial pattern not a mental illness! Good luck!

Alicia - I remember going through this years ago - before I ever heard of the Midwest Center. It was a tough time in my life, but it doesn't have to be in yours. Lisa has given you good advice. When you learn to not care one way or the other if you have the thoughts they will cease to exist (except perhaps as a memory with no impact on you at all) or they will not come as often and when they do they will leave as quickly as they came. You will no longer be attaching to them because you are no longer afraid.

We really take ourselves way too seriously.

Learn to watch the thoughts come and go without your attachment to them. This takes practice.

I will sometimes say: "Ok, I feel you. C'mon and do your worst and let's get this over with so I can get on with my day!" Nothing happens, Alicia. You'll be amazed at how powerful "allowing" is.

Soothe yourself. Comfort yourself and be patient with your progress. When you work on yourself it is assured.

Thank you all. Boon, were your thoughts like a broken record? Also, did you take med to help?

I had very little relief years ago from the obsessive thinking and behaviors. I drove myself nuts! Yes, the doctors I went to tried a couple of things but eventually I said, no more. I was handling things very well (altho still scared as ever)so I just kept looking for workshops, seminars, etc to see what I could do to help myself.

Broken record? Yes. That is a good way to put it because your mind is really playing tapes. Your thinking is mechanical - nothing more. It has no life of its own. Remember - it's your reaction to your thoughts, to your fears, to your feelings that is causing you stress. Practice allowing and just watching your thoughts come and go without labeling or judging.

My best to you.

Thanks Boon. I wish it were real easy to do.

I did not have the particular thoughts you had, but I had my own set of scarey thoughts. It sounds if you have intense anxiety. If you analyze it the fear comes from the way you think your thoughts. This program is set up to show you how to not fear your thoughts, your fear is giving them life; and how to change the way you think. You can control this. Even though you thougts seem grusome and scarey, they are just thoughts. You need to think about them differently. When you lose your fear of them, they go away because they do not matter. It really sounds as if you suffer as the rest of us from plain old anxiety. You are in control of your mind. I have done much better with my scarey thoughts since I started this program/ Good Luck

Alicia, I never knew what OCD was until my thyroid went bad and eventually found anxiety/OCD waiting on my front door. This has been by far my worst experience ever, the worst years of my life! Hopefully now that I know what I have I can work on getting well again and most importantly help others as they go through their struggles also. Take Care and God Bless, David

David,

Did you experience the same thoughts?

Why do you think that some of out have scary thoughts about the people that we love the must. I am scared I am going to turn into a bad person and just snap. How can I be so sure that I won't? I couldn't stop crying yesterday because I started thinking that I would go crazy and hurt someone that I love.

Alicia,
I can totally empathize with you...obsessive thoughts are so painful, regardless of the specific content of the thought. I guarantee you that you will not "snap" and turn into a bad person. If you really wanted to do any of those horrible things, your thoughts would cause you joy, not pain! Please try to remember that. Believe me, I know how hard it is to trust yourself when you are in the midst of an OCD attack, and I know it's easier said than done but you can do it! Hang in there!

Thank you so much Kay. I feel so alone!

Alicia-I know we have talked and I to get the same feelings-I have this vision of how I would hurt myself or someone and it is stuck in my mind-and I want it gone! I hate this disorder-I wish they just made a pill for obsessive thoughts and I would definatley think about taking it-I am to that point.
Believe me people say that "if you really want to do these things you wouldn't be afraid of them" I know that is easier said but then your mind begins to think "well what if I like that thought that would be horrible" I know someone is reading this now thinking "oh she knows how she would do a certain think to herself or someone-she needs help" but that is not the point the point is that this thought scares me and it is the worst possible think that I can think of that is why it is stuck in my head and plays over and over again. I WANT IT GONE. So please do not think that you are the only one-I think I have had every possible scary thought there is and the one thought that scares me the most sticks with you until you give it no more power-I am still working on this-so if anyone else has some advise I will take it- thanks