Well first let me apologize for not being around lately. I have OCD, a lot of it involving HOCD, or the fear of being gay. I am with a girlfriend now of about 3 months, and our sex life is great. But, the stress of HOCD seems to be getting to me and I experienced Anxiety Performance (Unable to get an erection). Now that has set off more HOCD thoughts in my head. Will I ever get an erection again? Sorry if this is a bit X-Rated, but it's for real.

Wow. I'm lost as to what to say except that my ex husband had sever antipatory anxiety and anxiety performance, some of which I take responsibility for b/c I expected to be intimate more than every few months. Have you thought about seeing a doctor? Beverly

Hi Spencer;

Does your girlfriend know about your OCD? If not, perhaps your fear is that she'll find out. Depending on how close you are and how open minded she is, you might want to open up to her and see if it helps.

You can also think about funny sitcoms that you've seen where guys were afraid of thinking about other guys during sex with a woman. I can't think of any right now but it's a common trope.

I'm a gay guy and I can tell you that I have no desire to sleep with a woman. I'm sure if I was having thoughts like yours I'd be just as upset and unable to perform.

Feel better.

well it happened again last night, I was so embarrased. After it happened we went for a cigarette and she could tell I was upset. I told her I was anxious since the first time it happened and that I was an anxious person. She was cool with it and then we were on our way back upstairs when we started kissing and ended up having great sex! So it was a good thing it happened as it brought us closer together

Yay! Good for you (and your girlfriend), Spencer.

Long, long ago when I was 18... I was about to lose my virginity to a lovely young woman... and I got performance anxiety. I made up an excuse to leave, and she had no idea what was going on. Later I called her and came clean about what happened. She said (much to my delight), "let's try again!"

So try we did. Again. And again. The more I tried, the worse it got. And she said, "maybe you're gay." No way. Not me. Not that there's anything wrong with that. ;-)

A few months later I met the girl who would be my first serious girl friend. The fateful day was inevitable when I would have to... perform. And sure enough, I couldn't. It got worse and worse until I thought I never would.

There I was, 18, with E.D. But in those days there was no Viagra, no Cialis, etc. So I worked up the courage to tell my dad about it. He set my mind at ease... told me how common it is, and sent me to a sex therapist.

The therapist informed me thus: Lots and lots of men get performance anxiety. We men are inundated with so much environmental feedback dictating that we should all be John Holmes. I was too focused on the performance... on being the best lover she'd ever had. The therapist said that when I'm in the moment, then it's okay for me to enjoy it, too; the way she feels, looks, and smells... focus on the sweet emotions... how glad I am to be with her. And then, if I'm not aroused, then don't let it be such a big deal. There are lots of things to do during sex besides the obvious.

That one session was all it took. ***WHEW!***

So I hope you'll consider what I've said, or rather what my therapist said, that set me right those many years ago. Good luck, and have fun in your quest!