Did any of you anxiety sufferers decide NOT to have children as a result of your anxiety?

I did.

I knew I couldn't be a good parent with the problems I was suffering through. I felt overwhelmed by life as it was...I knew I couldn't have handled a child.

Now that I'm feeling better, I'm rethinking this decision.

My husband and I are not young. I'm 37 and he's 42.

One of my biggest fears (fear is a signal I'm avoiding!) was being a bad mother. So I just didn't do it.

I'd love some input or thoughts on this topic!

I'm 27 and have always known that when the time was right, I would have children. I have always been somewhat of an "overachiever" so people have expressed great surprise when they would ask what my dreams where, or what I wanted out of life and I always answered, "to be a Mom". I have been struggling with anxiety for about 5 years now, and one of my biggest fears is exactly what you're describing. What if I can't go to school concerts or piano recitals or hockey games? What if I can't be there for my children the way my parents were there for me, and the way I know I NEED to be. I have struggled with this, and this is the first time I've heard someone else express these feelings. I received my program (Attacking Anxiety & Depression) today and that is what prompted me to check out this forum. I will certainly talk about these feelings of fear with you, and the decision making process of this - and would love an understanding "ear" as well. BTW - my wonderful mother and father had their last child when they were both 40 and she is now a competely awesome 19 year old University student with plenty to offer the world. When we've talked about being "raised" by older parents, she always said she felt fortunate because they were in a position to give her many of the things some other younger parents were unable to give, such as life experience and financial security. And THAT was nearly 20 years ago, when 40 was not a common age to have a child.

Miss Molly:

My wife figured some of this out when I was about midway through the Program. We're about your age, have been together for 16 yrs, and have talked about children every so often. Thankfully, she's been indecisive on this issue and so it's never created a relationship problem...but I've always secretly felt incapable and terrified of the prospect. Until the Program, I never knew what I had, I've just always known that I didn't want to bring a person into this world feeling the way I've always felt and if by chance they were 'normal', my negative, depressed thinking precluded me from seeing the point of bringing someone into my perspective of the world we live in. Of course, I didn't really understand any of my reasons or fears until this Program.

I am doing better and learning much, and am beginning to see possibilities where I saw none. I don't know if this will translate into parenthood, but I'm definately a YES to your question.

I have 3 boys and my husband and i always wanted to try for a girl. I have recently decided not to have anymore because of the anxiety. For one thing i think i would totally freak being in labor, and another thing is i have a hard enough time with the children i have. Sunday i had to pull my son out of church 15 minutes through because i had a panic attack and had to go home.
I think though being a mother is a wonderful gift and if not for my children i dont know where i would be right now. So if you really want one, find a way its a true gift from god. I really wish i could have another one but its just better if i dont.
Jennifer

P.S Dont ever feel guilty if you decide not to.

This is certainly a personal decision to be made. It is a life long commitment and a big job. But if the anxiety is making this decision for you then I would really explore ways to get thru the anxiety so you can make a decision not based on fear. Even without anxiety it is a fearful thing to go thru. Those without anxiety feel it too and know it is part of the process of being a mom. We are just afraid of the fear. I had my last child at 33 and she is now 4. We decided to stop because we have 4 now and figure thats enough. Remember that pregnancy and giving birth are the most natural thing to do. Our bodies are made to handle it. I had anxiety thru my last pregnancy (I didnt realize that is what it was at the time) but I managed to get thru it and have a healthy child. Whatever you decide dont feel guilty either way. You are the one that has to feel right about your decision.

Reena

What an interesting and tough topic...it is a very personal decision and I can see points on either side. I had 3 before my life changing anxiety and 1 after, 7 months ago.

First off, no matter how anxious you are, I assure you that labor will happen anyway. IT is normal to have fears, but when you are having the baby, the feel good hormones tend to make the kind of anxiety we deal with go away....in labor...your body takes its own course and it gets the job done. I was horrified when I found out I was pregnant again..worried like crazy over the labor, blood work, etc...but I was able to do things I haven't done in a long time. Nature finds a way to take good are of you.

Now, I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. They are everything to me. I feel I am the best mom for my kids, with one exception. This started when my daughter was in kindergaden. My boys were 9 and 11, so they had the best of me for those important years, but when it hit and it is new..it was very hard times for me. I feel my daughter has missed out on some things because I wasn't always comfortable driving...but you have to look at what she does have. She went everywhere all the other kids went and I was right there with her, but anxiety was probably the biggest thing on my mind, so at times I felt distracted and that made me feel bad.

What she wants the most is for us to go on a shopping trip, go to the movies and spend a whole day together...just her and I. I haven't been able to do that all in one day. We have seen a movie and did some limited shopping on the same day, but never a morning til night kind of thing. I used to feel so guilty about that. but then I realized it is what kids do...don't they always ask for the one thing you can't afford or the one thing that is over the top?

Some parents don't take there kids anywhere or pay much attention to them at all...and they have the ability to do anything. So, yes, it is a trade off because we may have rough times where we aren't doing everything we wish we could, but sometimes that is our high expections of ourselves taking over. Overall, I know I am being the best mom I can be and maybe someday the kids will mention that i had to drive alone on occasion or that I was too anxious to make a long trip, but if that is the worst they can say about me, then I think I have done a fabulous job regardless.

Also, having the baby has changed my life in so many ways, including my anxiety. Talk about build in distraction, I am too busy loving her and taking care of her to dwell on my every feeling. I have actually had the beginnings of panic some mornings and there she is smiling at me and it is time to get her bottle and do our morning routine and it vanishes in an instant. I tell my husband, she is my little xanax pill..LMAO!

If you want to have a child, I would not let anxiety be the only reason not to....anxiety has already taken so much from me before I learned the skills to handle it better....but take parenthood from me...not on your life!

Hi Molly,

I'm 40 and have two children, one is four and the other is 18months. I have had some anxiety issues my whole life but didn't know it was anxiety until this past May. My anxiety started to get worse after my first child was born and I became a stay-at-home mom. I didn't realize until recently that my self-esteem was tied up in my job. I had the start of physical symptoms during my second pregnancy and they continued to get worse until I started the midwest program. I think you are ahead of the game since you already know about the anxiety and have the skills to help you. Although it isn't easy, there is nothing more amazing than watching my babies play and learn. I wish you good luck whatever you decide. I truly believe you can have a great life even if you decide you don't want to have children.

Curly

Well, I'm four months pregnant with my first child, and while I didn't decide to put off having kids because of anxiety, it was something I considered. I waited until I felt well enough to be off of medication to get pregnant, and I've been doing lots and lots of reading about raising emotionally healthy children so that I can feel assured that I will not pass on anxiety to them (since it is extremely common in my family). I come from a family of negative thinkers and obsessive worriers, and I want to make sure that my kids don't grow up emulating those traits.

It's hard, though. I've had a relapse of panic disorder for the last few weeks, and it brought up all sorts of "What was I thinking? I'll be a terrible mother! I can't do this!" feelings. I've been thinking really rationally about it, and my husband has been very supportive, and we've realized that my panic attacks are easily accounted for by the enormous amount of stress in my life right now--I had some spotting at the beginning of the pregnancy, as well as terrible morning sickness, so I couldn't exercise and was sick enough that I got behind in my school work; I have a student who is a total nightmare; I have reached the point where I'm having lots of physical pregnancy symptoms like an increased heart rate and frequent fatigue and some shortness of breath and dizzy spells, all of which are so similar to anxiety symptoms that they cause them for me; and I've been struggling to "prove" that I'm capable of doing good work in school even though I'm pregnant. Once I listed what was going on in my life, the relapse didn't seem so mysterious and I felt much more capable of handling it!

It's also been very useful for me because for the first time in my life I have gone to people and said, "Look, I can only do so much right now. I need to set some limits." Which I've done, and it was an enormous weight off my shoulders. It's really helpful for me to know that, when things get really stressful, you can go to other people for help and they will actually work with you rather than punishing you for not being perfect, which is what I've always feared would happen. I've also decided to enroll in a structured CBT program at the university I attend, which is designed for people with panic disorder, which is something I've never done and probably wouldn't have done without the relapse, but which I know is a really good idea for me. So, in some ways, I think having this anxiety at this time in my life has been a good thing, since it really showed me that I was not dealing well alone with everything that was going on and needed to get some outside help.

But I'm really not worried about my anxiety making me a bad mother. That's probably because I have panic disorder, so my anxiety is limited to the periods when I have panic attacks and some persistant but limited fears about my health, and other than that I'm usually a relatively calm person. My fear was more that I'd pass panic disorder on to my children. And I still think it's a possibility that my children will be more prone to having physical manifestations of stress than other people, but I know now that that doesn't have to be a bad thing at all. I feel pretty confident that I will be able to show my children enough healthy ways to deal with anxiety and negative emotions that any anxiety they do have (which of course they will, because everyone does!) will not be caused by me. I think that initially I had hoped that my children would just be totally laid-back and anxiety-free, but that is unrealistic for anyone. Now I hope that I can model and teach skills to my kids that will make handling negative feelings and thoughts easier for them, rather than (as was the case with my mother and me) feeding them negative thoughts and feelings that will make them feel worse rather than better.

Lori

I have had panic attacks for 11 years now, I have a 12 yr old and a 17 yr old & both my boys understand what happens to me and they both understand that it will go away just as it came.They also understand sometimes they have to be patient with me as I do with them. I am not just Mom I am also human with all the faults anyone else has. My kids are a wonderful source of support and because I have raised them to understand they are much more tolerant of all people and the faults of not only others but themselves. After my 12 yr old was born I had a tubal and in May of this year at 37 I had the tubes undone. My 2nd husband and I would like to have a child that we share. He loves my boys but would like one of his own. The whole concept scares me and excites me at the same time, but I figure at this point I have survived 11 years with the anxiety and God has seen me through and if I get pregnant God will see me through that too. Nothing I have ever worried about has ever happened so I am trying to keep that in my mind.