Hi everyone,

I have been debating for some time posting any topics on this board. Honestly, reading the posts has increased my anxiety slightly as I learn about how others have suffered. I start to wonder if my anxiety will get as bad, whether it will ever go away...

I got my first (and only) panic attack at age 29, about a month after a breakup from a 5 year relationship. It was the most frightening thing I've ever experienced. It was so life-shaking, I obsessed about it for about 4 months while my anxiety remained steady and constant. I took Ativan and eventually Zoloft, which helped me overcome the anxiety. After about 6 months, I stopped the medication, thinking it was a one-time crisis. From that point on, I would have occasional minor flare-ups, but I ignored them as manageable "aftershocks".

About a year later, I had a second wave of anxiety while I was traveling on a stressful business trip to India. I thought there was something physically wrong with me because I was constantly dizzy. There I was, 8000 miles away from home, laying in a hotel bed unable to sleep, closing my eyes and feeling my head spinning. I refused to take medication, mostly because of a subborn reaction to an obsession about past recreational drug use (more about that later). I cut of my trip early, returning home to start therapy. It took about 5 weeks before I started to feel better, as the therapy really helped. I got another wave a few months later, this time thinking I was going crazy, and only after reassurance from my therapist did I overcome that obsession and return to normal.

That was about a year and a half ago. During that time, I was in weekly therapy, which really opened my eyes and did good things. It helped my overcome (at least temporarily) at lot of obsessional thought. You see, when my anxiety kicks in, I immediately search for reasons why. Because I'm a perfectionist and very hard on myself, I immediately start worrying and obsessing that my recreational drug use in my 20s (mostly ecstacy, a little cocaine toward the end) had caused permanent changes in my brain chemistry, which in turn caused the anxiety. Even though I recognized many instances of anxiety through my formative years, and even though my therapist concluded my anxiety was not the result of any drug use, I continued to obsess about it. It continues to be a challenge for me, forgiving myself for past mistakes and loving myself unconditionally. Being my harshest critic doesn't help.

About 3 weeks ago, my anxiety came back after about a year and a half. I understand where it is coming from -- I'm getting married in 2 months, I'm having a child in 4 month, I had a HUGE deadline at my company, the economy is in the toilet and I own my own business. That's a lot on my plate. The anxiety was not as strong as before, but all the same obsessions came rushing back like a freight train coming full speed while I'm tied to the tracks. Worries about a serious physical problem, worries about never feeling normal again, worries that I'd be anxious for the rest of my life, worries about the past drug use...

I began to realize that "worry" was the source of the problem. All my life I've been an obsessive worrier. I decided the only way to really overcome everything was to make some significant changes. I decided to go back on medication, which is no small feat given my obsessions about the dangers of drug use. I started meditating and consistently going to yoga. And I started working on this program.

I am feeling better now--no doubt the combination of everything is starting to take effect. I'm hoping this program holds the key to confidently overcoming this anxiety that I now accept is a part of me. I want to know it, understand it, overcome it and move past it. It sounds so easy, and when I'm not anxious it seems so distant, but when I am anxious it is all-consuming, giving me feelings of depression, guilt, even self-pity (the "why me" questions).

I know this is a long post, but I have always found it cathartic to talk to others about my problems in a very open and honest manner. I possess great hope that this program is the guide I've been looking for to overcome my anxiety once and for all. If session 1 is any indication, I'm on the right track.

Hi Chada, you sound just like me except for the trips to India (scared to fly). I just started session 2. I lingered on 1 for awhile. I like you am remaining hopefull. I agree we need to find ways to detach from the stressfull lives we live. Best of success....

Hey,

Your not alone,at least the drug part has been pretty much ruled out.The pressure sounds like it's on,press back.

Best to you !

Chadahahn,

First I want to commend you for coming here & posting, I know how hard AND scarry that can be.

While reading your post I kept nodding my head, we could be twins in many ways. I relate to SO much of what your sharing & feeling, your fears, your what if's, your worries. I really do have a lot of faith in this program though, while I am facing new struggles and old struggles I also have this peace that I've not had in a long time, and when I feel I'm losing it I remind myself of all the positives. "Lucinda did it, so can I" has been a mantra that I've had in my head for the last few days.

Best of luck to you! And congrats on all the upcoming events, while I know that it's bringing on the stress & I'm sorry for that, it's also a really exciting time. I hope you have a wonderful wedding & a beautiful birth.

♥

I appreciate all the kind words and support. I am beginning to change my thoughts about this online forum. Instead focusing on everyone's struggles, people are here to rally together and walk this path with positive reinforcement.

...Chadahahn....What a great name. I like saying it over and over. Beautiful. Does it have special meaning?

I am celebrating my two-year anniversary with the StressCenter. Stay strong, Love. You are not lost. Breathe and believe. In your quiet moments visualize the light we who have gone before you are holding at the end of the tunnel. We stand in peace, in unity, in wisdom for the journey, and in support. We stand awaiting your arrival to embrace you.

Reading over your post, I was thinking: "WOWWEE!" She's super talented and who wouldn't be stressed over being self-employed (me too), expecting a bundle of joy, soon to be married, etc? I also applaud you for loving yourself enough to return from India to take care of YOU! That's loving your best friend: You.

KUDOS too for "exposing" your tender underbelly to the rest of us who just happen to be in the same boat [grin].

Brick by brick, love. You are beginning a wonderful healing journey. Know you are moving forward and have the opportunity to reinvent yourself in a positive way! Similar to your opportunity to create the beautiful child within you and you are so wise and loving to yourself, your husband to be and your child to take care of yourself by being a part of this.

What especially helped me in this program was that several of us joined around the same time and then broke off onto a private chat area and have kept in contact for two years. Sometimes we "float" off but come back in to see how our family is doing. Nothing more valuable than true friends.

I am praying for you to know how deeply you are loved and acceptable and capable. It's true.

Do me a favor, 'kay? Go to the mirror, wrap your arms around you in an embrace, smile at the face of your best friend looking back at you and say, "I love you. I promise to take care of you. You will be just fine. I know it."

Peace, joy, love

Hi Chadahan and welcome! I started this program in early October and like you, I feel if anything is going to help, it is this program by teaching me the skills I need and breaking bad habits of negativity. My anxiety (panic disorder) has always been related to thinking something is wrong with me. I am the only person I know who has either been having a heart attack, a stroke, a brain tumor or going crazy for years! LOL! When I am not anxious I realize how ridiculous it sounds even to myself but in the height of a panic attack, it feels so real. What I am learning here is that the scary thoughts and negative thinking are doing this to me and thank God I am learning to stop the fear and think more positive about myself. It is exhausting to live with anxiety and depression. And I would never say to a friend the awful, detrimental things I say to myself. I love what R.T.E. suggested about looking in the mirror and saying "I love you and I promise to take care of you." What a beautiful thought! I would say that to someone else so why haven't I been saying it to myself? Stay with the program and post when you want support and encouragement or share your triumphs! I am always encouraged by something someone has written here and they are kind and compassionate people. Afterall, we all know what it feels like to battle this, but we will survive and we will get better. Hope your wedding day is wonderful and can't wait to hear about the birth of your child! Take care and remember to be kind to you.

Chada and the others,

Thank you for sharing. I am just beginning Session 1 on today and needed to hear the positive messages of hope and love shared with the group. I am suffering from anxiety and obesseive thoughts. I also beleive that since I have been home from work for a about 6 weeks due to the anxiety and nervousness I feel around people and in groups, I have been extra hard on myself. Feelings like I have let everyone done and how could this have happened to me- the person that everyone could always depend on. This is a constant struggle for me. My anxiety comes from work; everytime I get a call from the number of my work I go into shear panic. Thinking something has gone wrong, I missed something and others are having to do my work for me. What if I get fired; what if my husband leave me becasue he can no longer deal?, what if , what if What if. I have been taken Lexapro which has helped with the anxiety. I went through a phase where taking a shower was scary for me. Driving was scary for me, I bleieve becasue my sever attack happned while I was driving alone and it immobilized me. Since the medication, I have begun driving ( not on the higway and not at nights )but my husband is working iwth me on that. These days I thank God for small victories. I am not sure what happens next with me, will I ever be "normal"? I feel like my life was in my job and it has drained al the life out of me. I hope the program helps me realize who I am so I can have the courage to move forward.

Thanks for listening.

I am 29 years old and have had anxiety since I was 18. I am the youngest of five children and I first had a panick attack when I went apartment searching for college my senior year of high school. I had a boy friend who I loved and it scared me to leave him and my parents. I started having anxiety told myself I couldn't be with him and went through major depression. I ended up marrying that guy and have been with him going on 12 years if I didn't have him I think I would be crazy. I have always been a worrier and take other peoples problems and obsess about them and then think what if that happens to me or my family what would I do. Then I stress myself out and feel like running away from myself. I am a big what if thinker and ask myself why a lot. Why did I think that. Why did I say that. Why did I feel that way. When I'm not stressed and feel anxiety it's like I'm on top of the world and can't believe I thought that way. I'm trying really hard not to have negative thoughts it's when I feel stressed I don't stress about the important things I start having anxiety and obsessing about things that arn't real. Does anybody else have these thoughts or problems, comments please. I want to change my thoughts forever.

Yes, I have those thoughts every waking moment. The only time I get relief is when I am doing something that takes my concentration. Even doing the dishes or washing the car is very helpful. It's true when I don't have those feelings I feel on top of the world. I think "What could I have done with my life if I felt like this every day? Is this how other people feel?" Taking a nap is helpful because when I wake up I feel so light and the world seems so wonderful. Sometimes I wear earplugs around the house just to not hear things around me which trigger fear thoughts. I don't want to hear my 17 year-old son comment that he has a lot of homework to do. It just gives me more anxiety. I suggest not listening to the news, learn to tune-out other people's comments or stories unless they are talking to you directly and asking for help. I tend to go into "I've gotta fix them or this problem" when no one asked me. When we do that we take away the other person's power and give them a message that says "you cannot do this without my assistance or worry". The same applies to ourselves. Yes we can do this and if we can't we can move on to something else. I write this and I'm filled with worry thoughts already about my ramblings! Well I hope you know that I too have a hard time shutting off the "noise". I will have to stop now and ask myself "what is the worst that could happen?" Good luck.