Sorry if I'm gushing all over gang, but I can't ball my feelings up and move forward in this program, so it's time to let as much flow as I can. Thanks for your time, consideration and mutual support.

I knew when I started this program I would have to face some things from my past which I had suppressed, I never realized how many coping mechanisms I use to avoid the pain in my life. I went thought several bouts with suicide and one minor attempt. For one time in my life, my fear of embarrassment was a good thing; I was mortified that someone would have to clean up the mess afterward!

It's really hard to sit still through the relaxation sessions. I find myself wanting to flip on the TV (something I've often used to fill the silence and suppress the loneliness)or get a meal sized snack (food is another favorite coping mechanism - thank goodness I have a body which can cover a bit more of the 40 lbs I'm over my ideal weight). It's really difficult for me to let go of the idea that the interconnection of all the parts which contribute to my anxiety and depression (took me 15+ years to even admit to that and I'll give a little back pat to me for that and a BIG pat to everyone else here for reaching that point - I'm proud of you! ) so I tend to go round and round looking for a starting bite small enough not to choke on. I'm having a tough time just being patient and taking the program step by step.

More to come (unless I rant too much )

Bear

I'm finding hard now too to get thru the relaxation tape. I keep wanting to rush thru the beginning to get to the good part(the visualization at the water falls) I need to force myself to sit still long enough and sometimes that's not easy.

Hi. I think learning how to meditate is a difficult thing to do for pretty much every one. We all have thoughts going through our heads most of the time. Learning to clear our minds takes practice. Add anxiety to the chore and it is just that much more difficult. Not impossible though. When I was at my worst, my mind was kind of like a cage full of finches. Thoughts and ideas just jumped around, never perching for very long. I could not read a book because my attention span was nonexistant and because I just could not relax enough. I used to jump out of my skin when the phone rang. I was just wound waaayy too tight. I found I could not think my way out of this and I went to a shrink and started taking zoloft. I was very frightened to start the meds. I did not want to make my situation worse than it was. Better the heck you know as they say. I hated how my life was but I was terrified to do anything differently. I don't think this is unique to me, lots of folks are terrified to take the meds. But I did start a very low dose and increased it every week or two (slower than the doctor reccomended) till it started to work.
The interconnectedness you spoke about boggles my mind. I agree with you totally on that. But bit by bit we can learn what it is we want from life and learn how to get it. I used to want someone to scoop me up and take me home like a lost kitten and just take over for a while. That can't happen and truly I wouldn't want it to. Now I know who has to drive the bus, be the decider(!) and generally be responsible for me. Today i still take the zoloft. I still have trouble with decisions but i know what to DO when i have trouble. break things down into small manageable parts and do one little part at a time. Thanks for letting me unload!

hello liquid paper,
glad you're finding a way to relax. i like mary wago find it very difficult. i haven't been able to do it the 3x a day as recommended. i do it a night when i go to bed which has been after midnight (that's another story) but i have trouble clearing my head. i'm not sure i know what it's like to put everything out of my head...is it just a black (or white) screen? i've tried that something always replaces it in a matter of seconds.

More white I think Dawne; too much information instead of none at all.

I think Liquid Paper's description of a "cage of finches" gives a perfect image of my thought process when I get blocked. Trying to grab one and hold onto it is a challenge.

Bear

I too have problems with the relaxation tape. I go to bed and lay there and tell myself I really don't want to listen to the tape tonite but then I lay there and can't shut off my mind so I put on my headset and Just Do It. It helps me relax and then sleep is possible.